Please do not make this a pity party. I just wanted to know if anyone felt the same way as I did about transfer anxiety.
Last year in November I applied for a transfer, was denied at every in-state school (CSU/UC) I applied to. It really took a lot for me to not completely quit and I still experience issues with the thought that I may be wasting my time, and have wasted my time for the past 5 years. This is my 5th year at a CCC and most/all of my friends have graduated from their 4 year already.
Now, I realize the reason that I was denied because of the fact that I was likely unqualified to transfer (lack of certain classes that are min requirements, plus GPA issues definitely played a huge role as well).
Now here I am almost a year later from the biggest rejection of my life. And I just feel so much anxiety. Anxiety to the point that I do not even want to apply to transfer again because I have a crippling fear of being rejected again, this time as a qualified applicant, which I am scared will truly destroy me, permanently. I am crying as I am typing this and I honestly have no idea why because it is truly nothing I should be this emotional talking about. I do not even feel sad, but thinking about it just makes me cry (and I very rarely cry about anything, even things that are extremely sad like deaths). I talked to some friends about it and they are saying I should talk about this in my essay responses but it honestly makes me so upset and takes so much life out of me that I really do not want to discuss this at all. Even more so if I drain all of my emotional energy into this to end up in the same rejection pile I fell in last year. I’m only able to write this because it’s not attached to my name.
Now this is absolutely not the first time i’ve experienced rejection in my life, and it certainly will not be the last. I really don’t understand why this is so different for me. I have told several people that this is my last semester or school because I am dropping out, but just the thought of dropping out after spending 5 years in hell to no positive end tears me apart. But for some reason, I keep trying to protect my emotions from the rejection again to the point where I would rather quit than continue and be forced to quit (if I don’t transfer next fall, that’s it. there is nothing else to do, no additional classes to take). I feel like my emotions are childish in nature, and I usually not think or behave like this about anything else.
I know this post is honestly all over the place, but I truly wanted to know if anyone has felt/experienced the kind of anxiety that leads to self-sabotage.
I am generally a rational, non-emotional person and also a realist and I know the deal about this. And I do not want to have my head in the clouds about this and thinking that things will somehow work out perfectly when the odds say otherwise. I really haven’t been able to get out of this mental state since I got all those rejection letters around May. And it has honestly made me a lot colder than usual to everyone.
If anyone has anyway they think I can get out of this funk, for my own sake, please offer advice. If you have gotten this far, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read my nonsense.