Help with my Loyola Marymount essay

<p>What do you think of this essay? How do you think it can improve?</p>

<p>PROMPT:
STATEMENT 1: In his homily at the Class of 2005’s Baccalaureate Mass, LMU’s President Fr. Robert Lawton, S.J., said: ‘‘So what is the answer to this deep insecurity we all feel? The answer, I think, is to embrace the adventure of becoming deeply, and fully, ourselves. This is what God is really calling us to. It seems like the riskiest of all journeys, this journey to be one self. But it’s ultimately the journey that leads us to happiness, that leads us into God’s dreams for us.’’</p>

<p>QUESTION 1: Why do you think Fr. Lawton says the ‘‘journey to be oneself’’ seems the riskiest of all journeys? What risks lie ahead in your college career as you embark on the ‘‘adventure’’ of discovering and becoming yourself?</p>

<pre><code>In order to find happiness and inner-peace, humanity must first understand ourselves at the deepest and most personal levels. This realization is one of the most difficult things to attain, and for some is unattainable. College is a place where people are frequently capable of discovering themselves in more personal extents. Living away from home for the first time in their lives often has a stimulating affect on a college student. Some chose to party and engage in reckless behavior, however, many college students are given the opportunity to explore their inner-self and thrive. Many individuals establish interests in a plethora of different activities and subkects that stay with them for life. College is a time of endless opportunity to explore the options that life beholds.

Acceptance of the open road ahead is a key factor for self-examination. The journey to find oneself is often so demanding in account of people surrendering to close-mindedness. Life is such a miraculous gift in that we may encounter so many different paths to embark on along the way. While some may chose to approach a constant monotonous path their entire lives, others discover fresh opportunities and seek out new undertakings.

When I was fifteen years old, I reluctantly agreed to go to a one-week video production course at Stanford University. Although I was not aware of it at the time this class would drastically change my life. At first I was hesitant to go to the class at Stanford, as I did not want to step away from the customary flow of my life, but I slowly recognized how beneficial the course would be to my growth and education in film. Looking back on it now, I am extraordinarily delighted that I stepped out of my comfort zone. The course gave me a strong foundation in filmmaking and stirred my interest in media. Having an open mind allowed me to unearth an interest that I will possess for life. Had I not accepted this great opportunity, I likely never would have made the several films that I have produced, one of which appeared at three Bay Area film festivals.

While some view college as a time to party and escape from parents, others lucidly have the foresight to realize that college is a new world containing a breadth of opportunities. Many people discover their true identity during their college years. College offers an array of options to those who seek self-discovery, as students are able to chose from an multitude of clubs, sports, and classes. Many students have the insight to take classes that they would not have normally taken if they had not been in college.

The journey to find oneself is also encountered on a spiritual level. Finding oneself is not only based on what we do in life, but also what we think. Although one may have negative views on certain issues, people, and situations, acknowledging the world with an open mind will eventually lead to true inner peace. Once people step away from the self-indulgent ego, and realize that each individual and creature has a special place on earth, they will experience satisfaction.

There are obvious risks that accommodate the journey to self. However talented or accomplished one is, they will never be able to avoid failure. Failure is a part of life, and eventually leads to success. In order to reach the personal journey, one must always strive for dream without fearing failure.

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<p>The journey to find oneself is the riskiest of all journeys because of the uncertainty of the future. Life is an adventure, and the only way to positively approach it is by having an open mind. One should always have dreams and aspirations; but should also keep an open mind by never simply saying no.</p>

<p>Your essay needs some revisions. You begin with an overly monotonous discussion that is far too technically detached and philosophical. Then you sort of transition to a personal story, before going back to the same wordy commentary. College admissions officers want to know who you are as a person. They don’t care about some academic dissertation explicating the given question. You need to personalize it more and make it more about how the “journey to one’s self” relates to you personally.</p>