Help with private student loans

Paying for College
81

If his primary goal is to be able to leave town, he could explore employment opportunities that include housing.

Disney College (requires students to have completed one college semester before starting a position - but not before applying) is one such program, but there are other similar programs.

These programs have early applications, often applicants need to be thinking several months ahead.

Besides money in the pocket it fills out a young person’s resume and demonstrates to other potential employers that the student is a hard worker and can adapt.

https://jobs.disneycareers.com/disney-programs#college

82

Ugh. Yes. But … the FAFSA Simplification Act did away with gathering that information. Schools will now be required to manually enter that information for all of their students. And a student who transfers from another college will not automatically have the amount they earned at the previous school available to the new school … meaning that the student will need to talk to the financial aid office at the new school to let them know that they worked in a FWS job at the other school. What they will need to provide is up to the school - and how the student will even know is up to the school to put on its website & the student to read, I guess. Just one example of FAFSA Simplification being a bit of an oxymoron.

Updating: it looks like the FWS earnings are entered by the schools into a federal system before the FAFSA is released. The information will be matched to the student at the federal processor level, eliminating the issue of switching schools (because the information from the old school will get populated into the FAFSA when it’s processed). Still work for the school, but not more work for the student.

83

Two things. First, if you are not familiar, start reading Chump Lady - The Archives (look it up online). There, you will find many divorced parents who have had similar ex experiences.

Two - rage is a common Narc tactic. Your son using rage to get his way and court financial disaster helps no one. (I’m sure he’s a good kid, but as the kid of a Narc, they can mimic some behaviors, no matter how much they also see it as being a bad trait of the Narc parent.)

If your ex co-signs for anything financial, be prepared to be controlled by this. Not good.

You need allies STAT that can present the financials to your kid, and tell them why as of right now, things are bad. If he hasn’t come up with enough money for school without incurring major debt, it’s not your job to do so. “Just want to get away” when he hasn’t put enough skin in the game isn’t acceptable. “Starting over” doesn’t mean going into life-sapping debt.

And you have other kids? You can’t afford his tuition now!

Your kid needs to make this work, not you. If he ruins your credit with his loans, what are your other kids going to do?

Sometimes hitting pause and saying no is the most important way to avoid a calamity.

You need allies in this. In a way, you’re “just mom” to your kid. This debt is not a disagreement over something minor - it has long-term financial implications for you and your son.

Read Chump Lady - so many women have been led to financial ruin by the actions of male family members (and vice-versa). You can’t afford to cave to bad loans.

Find allies to have these conversations with him (not his dad, obviously). He is taking things out on you, when you are the voice of reason. Even if this is all coming in at the last minute, it’s not that uncommon.

You’ve got this.

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84

OP- sending you a big hug. I know a few women in situations like yours- I am sure you are trying to do right by your son and your other kids. And it is hard to take the long view (you would be taking on ruinous debt) when you want to wave a magic wand and fix things for one of your kids.

I just want to promise you that film and college and getting away will all still be there a year from now. The world is not running out of college. I’m sure right now- today- it feels like if your son doesn’t “get out of dodge and start college already” his life is over. But it’s not.

Is there a family member- sympathetic aunt, cousin, grandparent- who lives out of town who would agree to house and feed your son for a semester while he gets a full time job and socks away enough money to pay for next semester’s gap?

Perhaps once you shift the dialogue away from “why won’t you take out a loan to help me” and towards “Let’s find you a place to live so you can get a job away from here for a bit” your son will be able to listen to what you are saying.

And if your son’s dad is willing to take out a loan- as long as he’s current on child support (if he’s paying it for the younger kids) try and ignore the little dance the two of them are playing with each other. Yes, it’s a ploy for you to be the bad parent and for him to be the good parent. But who cares- he’s the one who will suffer financially, not you. And maybe he’s got more money than you think (not uncommon in a divorce- one party just got real busy stashing assets a lot earlier than the other). In which case- god bless. At least some of it is going to your son and not to Vegas or a local casino…

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85

Yeah, but other spouses in this situation have noted: depending on the Narc parent to make timely loan payments is risky. They use money like a cudgel. And then the kid gets stressed because they keep checking the school portal to see if everything’s in order.

I will also be blunt. Sometimes there’s a need to have other men stand with you and help you make your case - it’s sexist as hell and maybe not needed in this situation. However, the rage is meant to keep another person (often female) in check.

Do you have an accountant friend, or someone in finance, that can sit down and tell your kid the way it is? That this would be a loan for him that he cannot afford, that would wreck family finances, and mess with the options the upcoming kids have?

Your kid is behaving emotionally, and not rationally. Loans don’t care about emotions. The payments keep coming each month. Is your kid suddenly going to develop maturity when the financial picture starts to focus, or will another tantrum happen - this time with non-dischargeable payments attached to it?

Notice how some other family members are also refusing to loan the money? And Narc dad may not come through with the loan - he could be jerking everyone’s chain. Or not.

There are some excellent suggestions on this thread. And the advice is telling you that no, you are not wrong in seeing the negative consequences of this situation.

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86

Is commuting an option?

One of my S’s classmates was a very talented student that ended up commuting 3 hours (one way) twice a week to a regional campus for his first semester when he had to pivot to an in state option at the last minute for an affordable option.

Perhaps he could look to schedule classes that are only M,W,F or T,R or online?

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87

But if the dad signs for the loan (either parent-plus or co-signing a student loan), the school gets the money right away-- at least for that semester. The student doesn’t need to keep checking the portal to see if it’s been paid – the rest of it is between the dad and the loan company.

Of course, that may only work for semester 1.

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88

But if the student earns less than 12,950, per the IRS that isn’t considered taxable and he/she doesn’t have to file a tax return. So isn’t that money also exempt from counting as “income” for FAFSA? Since FAFSA is only looking at the 1040 and is no longer looking at untaxed income? Or do I have this wrong?

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89

Also colleges will usually let a student defer enrollment for a semester or a year. Just double-check that any scholarships will defer as well, if this is something you would consider pursuing.

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90

Earned income equal to or less than the standard deduction is still taxable income, it just means that the taxpayer may have no tax liability. But FAFSA (at least the soon-to-be “old” version) doesn’t care, because FAFSA wants to know the student’s Adjusted Gross Income (AGI), which is a figure derived before a standard deduction is applied.

By the way, the standard deduction in 2023 for a single filer is $13,850.

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92

FAFSA will still ask dependent students who don’t file a tax return to report their earned income.

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93

Thanks!

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Anyone with earned income should file a tax return. There may be state or federal benefits that go out to filers. The Covid rebates were pretty nice, and my state has had a sales tax rebate that last few years and some other fairly large rebate. The student may also have had some payroll taxes withheld and could get those back.

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95

Tell me how to get my kids back their payroll taxes - i.e. social security and medicare. Those don’t seem refundable - or at least turbo tax has never refunded them.

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96

There can be state and federal taxes withheld too if they don’t fill out the W4 with the correct withholding designation.

You can get some social security back if you had two or more jobs and make over the max. Probably won’t apply to most college kids, but it’s possible for them to max out.

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ahhhh - but nothing off the first $160K or so.

My kids aren’t making that kind of bank!!

OK - i’m not missing anything.

98

If the kid is trying to get away from the broken family dynamic, having the parent that has been a large part of the stress attached to student loans doesn’t exactly break the chains.

If the father can pay, which there is no guarantee when the dynamic is broken and he wants to behave in a controlling manner.

The money does not seem to be there right now. Hopefully a deferral with scholarships will work. If not, the kid doesn’t have a workable college right now. More options should have been on the table earlier in the spring from a wider application process. Since this isn’t the case, the kid might have to start anew. It sucks. But onerous student loans suck more.

Recovering from a Narc family situation doesn’t have to include going into ruinous debt.

The thing is, we are at least 20 years (if not more) into this new, terrible paradigm where some college choices cost way more than most families can afford (let’s face it, this is not an Ivy the kid has been accepted to, and the cost is still too high for the family). Saying no - not right now without an affordable financial plan - is the only way to save your family in the long term.

Other kids? Health emergencies? This kid is part of a family, and if he didn’t get an affordable college option right this go 'round, then that should be the lesson learned. Not financial penury. Why? Because that is actual love. Not giving in to rapidly-changing teen emotions, with no sense of long-term family peril.

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99

I started college 45 years ago, and my college choice was based on affordability. I could not even afford a state school. It’s always been expensive for most families to send their kids to college. The difference is that people expect to be able to go to college now, and people are increasingly expecting to be able to go to the college of their choosing.

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100

It’s pretty simple. He doesn’t have the credit to take out these loans. And if you don’t have the ability to do that, you can’t afford to send him there. Are there any other schools that are more affordable or offer a better scholarship? The other option is to live at home and start at community college, then transfer to a local university.

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