There is a huge difference in costs today. My husband spent less than $20,000 all in on our state flagship, it cost my daughter over $120,000 for the exact same education. The cheapest possible 4 year degree here will cost $50,000+ (that’s 2 years CC, 2 years local college commuting, provided every credit transfers). The majority of people I know choose colleges based on affordability.
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It is clear that there is consensus around one answer here.
I say this with kindness, you might consider therapy to figure out why you are putting yourself in the position of passive, helpless victim here, without the ability to take a decision clearly in your best interest.
I’ve had friends divorce from narcissists, and I see many similarities with your situation (notably neither ever wants to “rock the boat”).
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Because rage is so frightening, not wanting to rock the boat is trying to create peace. Hence rage is a powerful tool of compliance.
Don’t feel bad from this thread, OP. Hope you can feel empowered. Healing from a Narc marriage and having kids with a Narc (male or female) is an emotionally-draining experience.
A variety of respondents here agree with you. Now you must find the energy, allies and new plan to move forward. With your son learning something in the process.
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I’ve never heard that term. Interesting term these past few comments (Narc marriage)
It sounds like OP is going ahead today so as to not rock the boat. Unfortunately, that means they start in a deeper hole tomorrow.
I hope it all works out for them.
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In the case of our friend, it was actually narc in-laws who remote-controlled ex-husband’s attitude towards college funding. It was painful to watch, even for an outsider.
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Yes, this unhealthy and unwinnable dynamic can spike a marriage regardless of the sex of the spouse or in-laws. The other party often caves, with personally disastrous consequences, until they divorce (with ruined credit and debts) or illness or, in extreme but not that uncommon circumstances, death.
This thread is no joke and the OP deserves support, which has been given - in various tones from kind to no-nonsense.
If the OP has indeed moved forward, she still needs allies to move forward with a plan to pay this debt down while it’s being incurred. Meaning that the son needs an outsider being clear to him about what the debt is, how it will grow, and what salary he needs to earn to pay it back. He needs to be responsible for this, starting now.
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If your son wants to study film with a pile of debt, that’s financial suicide, and your answer should be a hard no, for his own good.
Here’s what I told my daughter who is about your son’s age. You can major in anything you want, but you have to support yourself with it. And we’re not co-signing any additional debt. We gave her the option of having zero debt for the first 2 years if she lives here and goes to community college. If she so chooses, she can begin at a university and we can afford to pay the difference minus the student loan debt of $27,000…assuming it’s an in-state school or a private school with comparable financial aid.
My fear is that the debt mixed with the lack of job opportunity is putting him on a self-destructive path. You’re going to need to reign that in and say no.
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@Sarah899, I totally agree with @coolguy40. No matter how much you love your son, you are an adult here. Tell your son, that if he wants filmmaking- it can be a second major or a minor. Major should feed him. I think your son needs gap year, work for a year, apply to another college and perform a reality check. Your approach now to go with the flow is suicidal for your family and your son’s future. Excuse me, but he is young and immature; he does not understand the implications of his choices.
My oldest daughter wanted a theater major - I said no problem. You go to Community College and do theater major, I am not paying for it… She was extremely upset. Then she suggested major in theater and minor in engineering. I said no again. Engineering is a major - minor anything you want. Guess what, 3 years down the road? Now she is not interested in theater at all. She loves dancing in college and finally she does love her Engineering major and happy with her choice. Please act like a parent, not like a friend even if you will be hated for a while. I was hated; I was presented like a bad parent. I do not care…
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Well said. I think that a vaguely related example might be appropriate.
Our older daughter wanted to apply ED to a university that would have required quite a bit of debt. I gave a hard “no” to taking on any debt. We told her what we could afford without debt, and that was the budget. She did not apply ED anywhere. She got accepted to several universities that would fit the budget (and two that would not fit the budget), and attended the one that she felt was the best fit of the ones that were within budget. After graduating university (with two bachelor’s degrees, no debt, and almost nothing left in her 529) she got a dream job. This was a job that she absolutely loved. It set her up well for a second job, that set her up well for the graduate program where she is studying right now. However, the “dream job” paid really badly (it could, because it was that attractive of a job). She could only take the dream job because she had no debt. She could just barely make ends meet and pay the bills with the (low) income from her dream job. She has since thanked me for not allowing her to take on any debt for her bachelor’s degree.
I understand that “no debt” is simply not possible for some students. However, if debt is needed, it is important to be cautious and take on as little as is reasonably possible. Sometimes a parent has to be the bad guy (aka responsible adult) and say “no”.
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We never had to give a hard no…because my kids knew the budget before the college search started.
Love my kids to pieces, but we were not taking on debt and we did not allow them too.
Regarding the film major - some people seem to think it is not a major worth funding. Now, I don’t know anything about the major, but there is more to it than making movies!
We know a kid who just graduated with it and he has done a lot - worked sporting events at his school, interned at a convention visitors bureau over the summer, worked for a professional sports team, videoed presentations at professional conference. There is also editing, marketing, sound, lighting, etc.
Not everyone wants to be or can be an engineer or doctor…
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How did it go? Did the other (toxic) parent come through?
I know several students who graduated with film majors, and all are doing well … more than just supporting their basic needs. I agree that there is more to education than just studying for a job others consider “worth it.” Of course, I worked at an art school (and yes, our grads are able to pay their own bills).
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My daughter was majoring in Theater and I thought the major was fine. She’d learn speech, communications, some salesmanship, etc. Well she switched to History, and I also saw the benefit of that major. However, I didn’t want her to borrow a lot of money as while she can pay her own bills, adding a big student loan payment to her minimal salary is tough.
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