How do you -- do you? -- arrange extended family/holiday time once the kids are grown?

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
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I am one of three siblings, and dh is one of four. Once the older nieces and nephews in dh’s family began to get married (they are a dozen years older than the rest of the cousins), we instituted an every-other-year “family” Christmas – Every other year, everyone (dh’s siblings’ and our kids) would get together for a big holiday gathering in Houston. Totally fun, especially once the older nieces and nephews started having babies. On the “off” year, people were welcome to go the oldest sibling’s home in Houston, but his kids may or may not be there because they likely would be with their in-laws in Chicago or Nashville or wherever. This setup guaranteed that at least every other year we would all be together.

This worked well until another sibling’s kids got older and there always seemed to be a conflict with why this sister and her family couldn’t make it (she lives about three hours away in the Dallas area). The rest of us proceeded as usual, but it was a bummer when they didn’t make it. And with Covid things really broke down.

This sister has proposed that we all meet, like a reunion, some other time of the year. Like, pick a weekend and we all convene then, at a time apart from the holidays when there aren’t the added time pressures and obligations. I’m OK with that, too.

Just wondering what others do and what’s been successful/not successful. TIA for any ideas/thoughts. Between the three remaining siblings, our seven kids plus five spouses and the nine grandchildren, we are looking at about two dozen people total.

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Dh is one of five siblings. We are the only family who lives on the East Coast. Three are in CA and one in WA State. With the exception of the year FIL passed away, which was nearly 22 years ago, we have never traveled there for Christmas. We have four kids, less than six years apart, and it was just too much trying to travel at that time of year. It was never a big deal. Two live in the same city with MIL so they are together for every holiday. The other two usually go other times of year, not Christmas. A couple of times, MIL has actually flown here and spent Christmas with us.

I am one of three. We live near my parents and my brother’s family. My sister’s family lives halfway b/w us and her in-laws (6 hrs from us and 6 hours from her in-laws). Her husband is an only child. In the early part of their marriage, they would spend Thanksgiving with one side and Christmas with the other, then swap the following year. Eventually they wanted to spend Christmas in their own home and stopped traveling at all. My brother’s family and mine spend Christmas Day at my parents. No hard feelings against anyone who can’t make it. My oldest daughter and one of my brother’s daughters live in southern CA. Neither will be here for Christmas this year (my D is going to her fiance’s parents, first time not coming home for Christmas).

I think for some families it is just rather impossible, especially for large families, to expect everyone to be able to make it, esp once kids marry/have significant others who have their own traditions with extended families. While I would love to be able to have an every other year thing with my own kids and their eventual families some day, knowing they might be spread across the country, I don’t think it’s realistic.

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This topic is really on my mind! I LOVE big holidays with loads of family, and I love both attending and hosting those festivities. But we are probably going to face a generation shift on both my husband’s and my side in the next 10 years. My husband recently lost his last parent, and I only have one parent left, not well. Likely within 5 years, there will be no grandparents.

In the short-term, I believe the families will keep getting together. But on his side, there are 20 first cousins (our kids and their cousins). That will be 40 cousins when they are all married! Plus they’ve started babies–4 so far, but ultimately, those 20 cousins may have around 60 kids among them! Plus our generation–that’s 10 aunts and uncles. So far, our holidays are often around 30 people, which is manageable. But ultimately 10 aunt/uncles, 40 cousins, 60 grandkids–that’s over 100! Clearly we will not all be getting together at this generation level forever.

That will break my heart. We only have 2 kids. If we start holiday-ing just among ourselves, even if they get married, it will be a puny gathering compared to what we’ve had. That will be really hard for me. Will we incorporate friends? Maybe that will be the solution.

My side is similar but smaller. But ultimately, after my mom is gone, I think it’s likely we won’t ALL gather. I am not ready for this!! Really wishing I had a bunch more kids ;-).

Our tradition, by the way, has been to rotate Christmas and Thanksgiving (one year we have Thxgiving with my family and Xmas with his, then next year we flip that). We sync up with my siblings, so my poor parents had all of us for Xmas some years, but none the next! They were always invited to come celebrate with the in-laws or other relatives, but obviously that’s not the same.

This stuff gets complicated, especially if kids (or our generation) move away from home. Easy to see parents and inlaws both if they all live in the same community, but that’s less common these days.

I’m looking forward to seeing the solutions that others have come up with! I want to ensure I maintain festive, full holidays, but I"m nervous…

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I am an only child and an “orphan,” so there is nothing to worry about for me. Husband is one of 4 kids, and they are orphans too.
We TRY to get together once a year, but it only works out maybe once every other year. We usually pick a non-holiday time, and an interesting location, and the 4 siblings commit to going. Then we sometimes invite the kids/next generation. It’s usually 3 or 4 nights. We are all on the east coast, and we’ve done places from SC to NY.

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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. My kids, who live in other states, really love the opportunity to see everyone at the same time as it’s so difficult for them to make many trips home. I’m willing to go the extra mile because my kids are so spread out. None of dh’s siblings’ kids live no more than 20 mins from their parents.

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So interesting that you mentioned the older generation. When I told ds2 about this proposal, he said that part of the issue is that after my MIL died a few years ago (FIL died more than 20 years ago) no one has stepped up to assume the matriach/patriach mantle. This is a non-Houston year for us so ds2 and dh and I will all be gathering at my mom’s house. He pointed out that it’s obvious what will happen while my mom is living. We no longer have that with dh’s family.

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I’m beginning to think that that’s what we will end up doing – let the siblings commit to a place and if our kids can make it then great. It’s just kind of sad, to me, because at one point we were so “close” despite not being in the same cities. A niece and nephew were my flower girl and ring bearer, for instance. We’ve been to the little ones ball games, etc. With my kids being the only ones out of state, I think the connections are more important to them. They don’t take any of it for granted.

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OP, we have done exactly this – lots of our family are teachers, so we decided to have our holiday in late June. Everyone who was able to , came, and it was wonderful — moreso than the actual holiday, because it was easier on everyone. We chose the date in January.

My folks aren’t able to withstand all of us, all at once, anymore, so for Christmas we all " book" a December visit with them. They get to see everyone, I can pick the days that work for us, and those travelling far always get deferred to. We all take a group photo when we are with them, and then in January someone collages them, prints it, and we all get a copy.

Christmas Day, we set aside an hour and do a group Zoom. During covid, we actually had a whole day of Zoom activities planned , with a schedule to check in and all that.

For our kids and SO’s, this is the first year we wont all be together at some point — it is a little weird, but we are all being flexible and trying to not be sad. Spring is coming, and we rent an Airbnb to get everyone together, then.

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@Youdon_tsay I’d certainly be willing to “go the extra mile” but I can’t guarantee my kids will be in a position to necessarily come home the same year as their siblings once they have their own families. So many variables. Ideally, I would love to have a plan where every other year we were all together, but I also wouldn’t want to pressure them if it was too difficult to make it happen.

Editing to add, I think it’s wonderful that your kids and their cousins are all so close they want to make the effort to be together. My kids are not close with any of their cousins due to distance and age differences. I mean, they like each other, but rarely see each other.

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Yes, when the older generation passes, it gets tricky. Do you still try to gather at that level, or does it mean you start moving down a level (so that people who used to be the “aunts” are now the grandmas/matriarchs of their own families). I mean, at some point that has to happen, we all take our turn as the matriarch/patriarch. But does it happen immediately when the older generation dies off? Or do you try to keep the extended family together for a while before splitting into your own families? It’s not easy to decide!

ETA my kids and their cousins on both sides are quite close, so it will be tough for us when we drop down a level in family holidays :weary:

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Running into this. It’s hard to get excited about celebrating Christmas when there are so few people around. It’s a tough year. I didn’t understand years ago why older friends would schedule trips over Christmas but now I do.

My first boss had “Christmas in July” at his home for his kids–all grown with families. And they went all out–Christmas trees, all the lights, decorations, presents, turkey, Christmas carols. I guess the kids got two Christmas celebrations that way but it was important for them. It was such a love filled celebration that I learned it’s not about the actual date but about the people you love.

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We don’t live close to any of either my or my husband’s families. Each of our families has a summer family gathering every year closest to where the most people live. It works out well. If you can come…fine. If not…well…that’s fine too.

For Christmas, we went to my in-laws Christmas Eve for years until we had kids. It was just way too many people on Christmas morning (DH is one of 6…and everyone came). They had a tradition of opening presents one at a time and passing them around…sort of like a shower. We did it once with our kids old enough to want to open their gifts…and decided it wasn’t a good plan.

Really, we enjoy getting together when it’s NOT a holiday with our large extended families. We don’t have holiday “stuff” to consider, and we really can relax and have more fun.

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We have a fairly small family but we still do the big get togethers during non holiday times.

I actually like the years where it’s just my immediate family for xmas. It’s so much more relaxed for me than when I’m traveling or hosting.

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This Christmas, only my husband, daughter, and me will be around to celebrate Christmas since my son will be in the hospital. Not sure what we will do.

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Both H and I are one of four kids. I don’t recommend this, but the thing that has “solved” this problem is that unfortunately, H and his sibs had a falling out when his last parent died and none of them make an effort to get together even though 3 of the 4 live within an hour of each other. I’ve tried to get H to mend the fence but his other sibs seem ok with NOT mending. Like I said, I don’t recommend it. :pensive:

Recently -Thanksgiving in fact - was our first breaking tradition holiday. In our immediately family of 3 kids, only one was “home” and participated in the traditional T-Day they all have known since they were born - dinner at my brothers. D1 was spending (with my blessing!) the day with her BF’s family. S was having dinner with his wife’s family - and the timing didn’t work for him to do both. And the first real T-Day without my mom who died a year ago.

All my kids expressed a discomfort with NOT having the T-Day they all have known all their life! Just a weird feeling of un-normalcy. Some guilt I think to not have us all together and for them to make alternative plans.

I told them that the way I look at it, these “changes” are because we are all living life! Someone has a new partner. Someone has gotten married. Someone has their first job, lives out of town and has limited time off. Relationships, new careers, new extended family - that is all wonderful - it is life in progress! Things to be happy about and to welcome enriching lives!

Traditions may evolve. Attendance may not be 100%. Time together may be shorter or less frequent or at alternative times. New traditions are ok! The memories of the old ones live on.

Do what you can to be with those you love but be flexible with The Who/what/where/when. :blush:

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Then:
I am one of 4, H is one of 3 and our parents lived about 10 miles from each other. So the logical thing would be for us to go there (we were 800 miles away) for Christmas. Except work schedules and finances and lack of PTO were issues for us. Two of my siblings were not married then and they were the closest so my folks felt obligated to them. H’s siblings were there so no chance of them going anywhere The few times we went were a nightmare of scheduling with 2 families, etc.(I will not tell the stories , but after one disastrous holiday it took until my oldest sibling was literally dying for us to go back).
My parents did come out a few times after the holiday and they actually came once for Christmas. My kids were teens by then and actually thrilled to have family there. My inlaws - never.

I told D and SIL before they married that one of the gifts we would give them is to be flexible. This goes for S too. Sometimes they come to us, sometimes we go where they are and and sometimes SIL’s parents do the same. There is no schedule, rotating or anything. We go year to year.

Now for the first time, H and I live in the same city as D, SIL and new GD. S is coming here. But we may/may not do this next year, we will see what happens. We do not want our kids to have to feel as if they have to be with us and we want to be fair to SIL’s family. S is in grad school and doesn’t know where he will end up living after that so it’s possible we may go to see him at some point.

In other words: having had families who were very inflexible, we will not do that to our kids.

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That’s a brilliant idea. I wish we’d done something like that when my in-laws were alive.

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I’m an only whose parents died before I married. Dh only has one sister. My fil was also an only but my mil was one of six.

When we first married all six siblings (mil’s group) and their parents gathered the weekend before Christmas at one of the siblings’ homes with their own families. Almost everyone was always there as all lived within the same state and no more than a couple of hours away. It was always a lunch potluck. After mil’s parents were gone the tradition continued for a couple of years, but as the cousins (my dh’s group) started having more kids and as those kids got older, it pretty much fizzled out. The mil’s tier of siblings (five of the six are still living) still get together maybe once a year, but not on Christmas.

We went to my in-laws’ for Christmas proper until our ds was two and then we had two years abroad when we did not come to the states for Christmas. When our expat assignment was over, dh told his folks we would come up the weekend before or after Christmas but not ON Christmas because Santa came to our house. That worked well as none of us were hung up on THE day. Those gatherings were eight people - mil, fil, and dh and his sister’s little families of three. The last couple of ds’s college years we wound up going to in-laws’ ON Christmas proper as that always seemed to work best for ds’s winter breaks. We moved away from dh’s home state in 2018, and fil died unexpectedly later that same year. Since then (except for 2020) we continue to go to mil’s ON Christmas. We are the ones who, “moved away.”

All that to say, that since the large extended gatherings of mil’s family ceased, things have not been complicated since we are a small family.

If it weren’t for our ds, I would have ZERO interest in going to mil’s for Christmas, but I have a lot of baggage associated with that. We have ALWAYS spent Christmas with dh’s family - with my parents dead and my having no siblings, there was nowhere else to go. But, ds loves his grandmother, and we go so we can, “all” be together. Even though our, “all,” is quite small. This year, ds will travel to see us for a few days, and then we will all travel together to mil’s home.

I imagine my mil misses the large gatherings that once occurred back in our early marriage and when ds was really little. That was historically was she was used to - the whole clan being together. I will say this - for those of you who have multiple siblings and who all love everyone altogether for holidays at gatherings with 40-50 family members - it is a LOT for those of us who aren’t used to that.

I guess it all comes down to what you are used to. It is a pain to travel for the holidays. I would much rather not, but it is, “expected.” I hate that.

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For the last 7 years, my mother has been in assisted living. My CA daughter visited and we had lunch with my more local daughter, then visited my mother with lots of small presents. My son visits other times of the year: he finds holiday travel too stressful. We have not gathered with siblings and families since my mother went into the facility. My mother died recently so Christmas will be my visiting daughter (now in NYC) and my MA daughter and me. We like it small and quiet. I will miss shopping for my mother who was in her “second childhood” and got so much joy out of our little offerings.

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So far, we have always been in HNL. Often we would fly to SF earlier in December and celebrate with H’s brother and sister who loved there and H’s dad who also lives there for some years. We’d pick out the tree with H’s sister and help decorate it and give them gifts.

When H’s mom was alive, his dad lived with her and her we would have a small celebration with them at their place in Honolulu as well.

S and D have always flown home. S’s fiancée had strong ties with her family, especially for Christmas so they’ve never been together for it as she’s in SC with her family and he’s in Hi with us. They do make a point to celebrating New Years together.