I prefer the last name of my professor, I find it more respectful, but there are some professors that like to be called by using their first name.
I went to a community college first and then transferred to a university, and using your professors first name seems to be more acceptable at the community college level than at the university level. This may just be that community colleges are more laid back than universities. It may also potentially have to do with the type and age range of students at community colleges. Community colleges tend to have students of all ages, and a lot of the students at community colleges are older than their professors. On the other hand, universities tend to trend more toward traditional age college students who are straight out of high school.
I usually address them as Professor/Dr Lastname, except if we’re particularly close or if they’ve said it’s fine to call them by their first name. Better to be safe than to come off as impudent or something lol.
However, from my experience if you’re working in a PI’s lab, once you’ve actually gotten the job, you can generally refer to them with their first name—I remember I felt very awkward calling my PI “Bob” at first, but if everyone else in the lab is calling them by their first name, it’s even more awkward to continue referring to them in a formal manner.
Back in the stone ages when I was at school, there were only two professors who I addressed by first name and it was because I worked for one, and did undergrad research in the other’s lab (and she was my advisor). Both insisted on the first name.
Doesn’t matter how “you” feel - it’s about how the prof feels, and most of them will let you know how they would like to be addressed.
That reminds me of when my son was nine years old and went to a friend’s house that he had been going to many times thoughout the past couple of years. He had never had occasion/need to call the mother by name before. But whenever we had spoken about her at home to our son, we had referred to her by her first name. We always had our son’s friends call us by our first names and never ever would have thought anyone would do otherwise. My son was quite surprised when one day he used her name and then she told him, “You should call me Mrs. ____.” We all laughed at the stuffiness of that approach.
But in a classroom— better to start out formal and then use first names if and when the professor tells you to do so.
A lot of my new hires start out by calling me something like “Mrs.” or “Principal” or “Director__”, and then I just tell them to call me by my first name. I have never been offended by their attempt to be respectful, even if it came off as a little overly formal. I know they were trying to show respect, and who can fault someone for that?!!
Using a formal title almost never gives offense. Using a first name can offend officious or insecure types. Why take the risk?
I might has phrased the response differently, but my mother would have boxed my 9-year-old ears had I addressed an adult by her first name without said adult asking to be addressed as such, which for the adults around my parents’ age anyway, they invariably did ask to be called by their first names. Again, better to start formal and move to less formal than the other way around.
“Stuffy” might be used to describe Dame Maggie Smith’s character’s approach on Downton Abbey.
There are professors who feel they “earned the privilege” of being called Dr. or Professor. My D was friendly with a prof. that she did research with and he once told her that there are certain professors who get upset if a student calls them Mr. or Ms. instead of Dr. or Professor.
There is no reason to start off on the wrong foot. I’d always begin with the more formal Dr. or Professor and if the person invites you to call them by their first name that is perfectly fine.
I’ve had a handful of professors allow students to call them by their first names but I’ve never done it. They are not my peers, so I avoid using informality at all costs. I usually refer to them by their last names only at that point.
Though, I had a professor who insisted we call him by his first name because he just completed his PhD (first semester teaching) and the thought of going by Dr. or Professor freaked him out cause that meant he was old. He was barely 30.
We taught our children to be wary of adults who wanted to be their friends, especially those who ridiculed us for the way we chose to raise them, so we wouldn’t have been laughing if an adult wanted our 9-year-old to address them by their first name. We’d be wondering why they wanted to be friendly enough with a grade school child to be on a first name basis.
Many of my husband’s friends are people he grew up with. Their parents are in their 80’s, so he and his friends aren’t 20. None of them would dream of calling the parents by their first names. I’ve heard them discuss this trend several times over the years. They aren’t impressed when aquaintances’ children, students, or prospective employees address them informally. They don’t always say anything though. So just because people don’t comment on it doesn’t mean they think it’s okay. That may not matter unless that person is someone who you may want to recommend you for a college, a competitive internship, or a job. Then it can matter a lot.
@skieurope and @austinmshauri -
“Adultism” is defined as behaviors and attitudes based on the assumption that adults are better than young people, and entitled to act upon young people without their agreement.
Here is a quote from John Bell’s “Understanding Adultism: A Key to Developing Positive Youth-Adult Relationships.”
Yes, @austinmshauri, my son’s friends at age nine were his friends, not mine. But we treated them with respect and considered them our equals, not inferior beings. We did not require titles of respect. Respect is shown through listening to what someone has to say, considering their opinions, being kind and courteous to them, etc. I must say that my son and his friends qualify as extremely respectful!
Adults who want to be treated with respect need to treat children with respect. I am so proud that, when I was a principal, all the aides in my cafeteria and recess and duties knew that “because I said so” was NEVER an acceptable response to a child’s question. In a time of hurry, they knew it would be okay to say something like, “I need you to obey now for safety, but when all is calm, I will explain to you why,” and then follow up. And grabbing something out of a child’s hand, etc. would be a no-no unless the child was about to injure someone and was not compliant to a verbal direction. We did use the conventional last name approach in that building, but way back when, I did my student teaching at a great school where all the adults went by their first names. And the children were given respect and treated adults with respect.
Compliance is necessary at some times in a school setting for safety. (As it is in society: there are laws.) But the ultimate goal is to develop confident human beings who care about other human beings and treat them the way they would want to be treated themselves, and learners who are engaged and in control of their own learning. As my current assistant superintendent always reminds us, “The goal is engagement, not compliance.”
Just saying!
But yes, as I noted earlier, I agree with the consensus on this thread that it is always wisest to call a Professor “Professor” until invited to do otherwise. It is what is conventional, so why risk giving offense?
I fail to see how asking children to address adults using titles is not respectful of the child. All though the school years, my children addressed their teachers as Mr. or Ms. As did my husband and I. And the teachers addressed us as Mr. and Mrs. LastName. And yet (almost all of) the teachers treated the children with respect and courtesy.
Adults in informal settings were typically addressed with Mr. FirstName and Miss FirstName. The pediatrician was Dr. FirstName. The Priest - Father FirstName.
I fail to see how this is being disrespectful or discourteous. Children are not the equals of adults. They need to learn and mature, and adults are there to set an example and help guide children. Using someone’s title does not necessarily imply you respect them. Not using titles also doesn’t necessarily mean you respect someone. Respecting harmless norms and conventions, such as how people prefer to be addressed, is a sign of maturity and respect, as is not interrupting people (something else most children need to learn).
@InigoMontoya - I absolutely agree with everything you said, except for this line, with which I adamantly disagree: “Children are not the equals of adults.”
@TheGreyKing I figure some would object to that, but I see children as future adults that need shaping. I don’t think a two-year old is the equal of an adult. I believe the role of the adult is to shape that two-year old into a productive adult. Left to their own, those future adults would not likely be as productive or respectful.
There are certain things I consider part of transitioning to adulthood, such as knowing how to behave in public, having a means of supporting yourself, being able to get yourself from one location to another on your own, being able to prepare your own food and such. An infant that needs care and feeding cannot do that. Most 5 year olds are not capable of preparing their own meals, calling an Uber, or managing their way on public bus lines.
I’m not necessarily defining adulthood as magically begin conferred at age 18, however an adult should know certain societal norms. Children are not born with that inherent knowledge. That doesn’t mean I don’t respect children, just that I see their need for guidance.
I guess to me childhood is a long apprenticeship to adulthood. You wouldn’t call someone who just started training an electrician. They need to learn, experience, and grow before earning that title.
To each their own.
Tried to edit my prior response, but was too late. By saying adults and children are not equal, I’m not saying one is better or worse than the other. But I do see some significant differences:
I speak to adults in full sentences. Babies benefit from being spoken to in higher pitch nonsense words
Most adults are capable of getting and preparing their own meals. Children need someone to do that for them.
Most adults can go to the bathroom unaided. Children need to be taught.
Most adults know not to touch fire. Children instinctively try to do that.
Most adults are capable of dressing themselves. Young children and infants are not.
So no, I don’t see these as equals. Doesn’t mean one is more deserving of respect than the other, just means that I don’t look at a 6 week old and call them an adult, I call them a baby. There are different terms for different stages of life for a reason.
@InigoMontoya - I agree with what you wrote in #33 about the role of adults in guiding and teaching children, and that you can be respectful of children while guiding them along the journey to adulthood.
For me, it is not “shaping” but rather teaching them to think for themselves and to be equipped to make thoughtful, informed, and caring decisions in any situation that may arise.
There was a substitute teacher who worked at the middle school and high school I went to, that referred to students as Mr. Lastname and Miss Lastname. While some of my classmates thought it was overly formal, I liked it because it seemed like he was respecting us as individuals in transition to being adults, and also as clients (which is sort of what students are in my mind). So often in school it feels like teachers don’t return the respect that they demand of students. While using honorifics or not doesn’t always indicate your respect for someone, using the appropriate formality, or the formality requested by a person, in a given situation usually does.
In my family, I called family friends Mr. and Ms Lastname unless they were particularly close family friends, in which case I used “Aunt” and “Uncle”. Starting when I was a young teenager (which is when I also stopped going to bed before the dinner party was over) I transitioned to calling adult family friends by their first names as they were comfortable with it, but still called the parents of friends my age Mr. and Ms (I wasn’t friends with the parents, after all).
I have always called my PCP and my kids’ psychiatrist by “Doctor ___” but I noticed that DH uses their first names. I can’t bring myself to do that!
This is crazy on so many levels. Giving a younger kid the freedom of an adult, even on something minor like walking to the park alone, will get child protective services called in many places. You can’t talk to a nine-year-old the same way as an adult because the interests, background knowledge, and vocabulary are different. Scratch that, the whole situation where you’re even friendly enough with a young kid, not a relative, to be having conversations is extremely creepy.
@TheGreyKing, Treating children with respect and using formal terms of address aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s unfortunate if the adults you know habitually grab things from children and speak to them in a rude tone, but not everyone behaves that way. It must be challenging to be surrounded by such an environment.
I have a passing familiarity with education and self-directed learners. Using formal terms of address doesn’t preclude raising confident, engaged, self-directed learners, and it doesn’t make parents rude authoritarians who demand compliance from their children either. OP asked how people would feel about using first names without being invited to use them. I think children who’ve been taught that they can address people however they want may be in for a shock if they try that in college or the workplace. They’re welcome to do it, of course, but I wouldn’t recommend it.