@Iglooo not sure what you mean about guests…and not knowing them. We had 125 at our daughter’s wedding. There were about 20 guests I had never met before (friends Of the grooms parents). The bride and groom had met everyone who was at the wedding…it was one of their criteria. No work associates they had never met. No parent family friends they had never met. In other words, we did not invite anyone who was a stranger to the bride and groom, and really us for the most part.
We were happy to host this event with our family and friends, and those friends and family of the bride and groom, and the friends if the bride and groom (we had met most of them as well).
We did not use retirement monies or loans for this wedding. Paid out of current earnings.
@thumper1 I am nowhere near a wedding. It’s just a guess. I am guessing there will be groom’s family and friends and my D’s friends and family/friends. I don’t think we will socialize much with groom’s family before the wedding or after. I know my family/friends and my D’s high school friends. That will be about it. My D will know groom’s close family and many of groom’s friends as well as her family and her friends. So that will make up a little more than half. Among those, I am not sure how many she will keep in touch after the wedding. Cousins’ of the groom? May be some of them, Aunts and uncles of the groom? Probably not, etc.
You might have been disappointed in not having the opportunity to share in the occasion, but IMO, you should be really proud of your daughter and her choices.
If our two sons want a wedding, we’d fund it. My wife would over-fund it ?. I have long said that I’d happily give 2x the cost of a wedding if they elope. The only son with a long-term GF has a MIL that we all get along with, so it probably isn’t a danger with them, but I’ve seen frictions and fractures develop between families during wedding planning.
That son attended a couple of weddings this year. Besides being amazed that contemporaries get married (he’s 23 yo), one was an over the top merger of two dynasties and the other was a small humble wedding between two people very much in love. You can imagine which was more touching.
I would be surprised if our kids wanted a large wedding. One son has enough money to self-fund, and a strong sense that he wants to be the captain of his voyage. The other son is a private type person, and would probably hate to have a lot of fuss made over him.
My kids and their partners (not married and nothing planned currently) see each other’s cousins, aunts, uncles with some regularity already at holidays and family celebrations.
I’m hoping both of my kids will keep in touch with “our” side of the extended family and their significant other’s side. (D doesn’t yet have another in her life.)
Will vary. For some people, family is very important. Including extended family. Spend a lot of time together. For others family isn’t a big thing. Some don’t have big families. Others don’t spend much time with them. Social time for them is spent with friends. And others don’t spend much time with family or have big circles of friends. Many different paths.
We have always told our kids we would give them a certain amount at wedding time and they could spend less and keep the difference, spend more and make up the difference themselves, etc. One of mine eloped and we cheered that decision, her ‘wedding’ money went into the house down payment fund.
We are very fortunate. Our son-in-law’s parents, sister and her husband and kids, live fairly close to us. We are like extended family and we are close friends with them all. And they adore our daughter as we do their son. Before the kids got married, she was going on their family vacations, he was coming on ours and we did joint vacations together. His aunts, uncles and cousins welcomed our daughter with open arms and she was a part of all of their family events. After the kids got married, all of this has continued. We have also vacationed in Greece with his parents. And our son, his wife and their almost 4 year old daughter are treated similarly by them. An added bonus is that our granddaughter gets along fabulously with our in-law’s three grandchildren. My son and daughter-law have their own friendship with our in-law’s daughter and her family. So pre-wedding and post-wedding, I guess my daughter has always intended to have a close relationship with her husband’s family.
This is a good reminder that I still have one to get married, with retirement on the horizon. My kids knew that I was not of the big wedding ilk, and though I would help, we have not lived extravagantly and that includes weddings. So they paid for some of their events, and finances dictated creative approaches.
S got married on the coast of Vietnam, where elegance is well done and less expensive than in the USA. There were perhaps 30 guests and it was an easy trip for her family and friends in China as well as the Australians and Thai residents in mine.
D and SIL figured a national park was her best bet for price and interesting location, and got married in one of the lodges at Shenandoah. It was close enough to the DC airports that travel was easy enough and we kept costs down by doing a lot of the decorating and details ourselves.
Despite my raised eyebrow at the cost of weddings, I rarely have extended family around and these weddings were a precious chance to gather family and friends in one location. Those who cared enough traveled to the venue, and it became a perhaps more intimate event than what we would have had at home.
H and my wedding was in 1978. My dad owned a business in a small town, and we don’t have a lot of family in the US. Meanwhile H’s mom is the youngest girl of 13, and 60 first cousins just on that side of his family. Our wedding was really more of mom/dad and MIL/FIL big celebration, and a few of our college friends. We knew and enjoyed the aunts/uncles/cousins (although you would be appalled at the one family showing up w/o RSVP and bringing along their oldest daughter’s boyfriend as well, 7 people in all, to see about a wedding - their wedding gift was $20 cash - they didn’t come to the wedding, just to the dinner and entertainment portion - H’s father’s brother and his family). A cousin (MIL’s side) bragged to me about how they got the wedding gift almost free (it was an OK gift, but she didn’t realize how tacky her comments were). 300 at the wedding. I knew the people my parents invited and most of H’s relatives, at least knew who they were. MIL’s bridge folks - who I knew by their names. In both small towns, this was the wedding of the year - and it was a nice event - but nothing compared to the wedding my niece will have the end of this year. She lives in Chicago with the wedding in Milwaukee (to save money, with really having a very nice wedding probably at half of what it would cost in Chicago). A year or two later, H’s brother married in NY and her family had saved for her wedding - and it cost $50,000 more than our wedding - a lot due to the east coast higher costs, and very high $ per plate from our wedding.
Thankfully we didn’t need an ‘exact count’ as our dinner venue was buffet and the restaurant was use to handling the variation (we had the whole main part of the restaurant, but folks later could come in for the band portion - dancing until midnight). The only thing my dad thought was out of line was the floral costs. My parents wanted to put on a big wedding. The year before they had their 25th wedding anniversary celebration (my parents had eloped and so this fulfilled something my mom really wanted) - unfortunately it pushed out H and my wedding another year (parents would not have finished my college costs if married before finishing, and it would have goofed up H’s financial aid package). My mom and my sister kind of finalized things as I was out of state with my job, but H and I were in state the whole week before because we should have gotten the wedding license the prior time we were in state, and we needed to get the license at least 5 days before the wedding… MIL/FIL paid for rehearsal dinner which was just the wedding party - it was very nice, at a nice restaurant in my home town just after the rehearsal.
DD1 got married in the city she went to college. She married a year out of college, and had a lot of connections. They did a great job planning their event. We gave them a chunk of money, but modest by most standards - but they are not in an expensive city. SIL’s parents paid for the fun rehearsal dinner - very good southern BBQ dinner with banana pudding dessert (where all out of town guests were invited, and also we had a table of clergy invited by the couple) - their wedding had three priest celebrants along with two Deacons (one a permanent Deacon and the other a year from being a priest). Several others in seminary were there. Also a number of the groom’s friends were heavily involved with the church so it was a planned increase with rehearsal dinner. Due to DD’s college involvement with the church, she got the rehearsal dinner hall use free of charge. She also didn’t have to pay the extra charge for using the Cathedral since she was a member and we contributed to her ‘tithe’ for the previous year to benefit as a paying church member. DD/SIL chose the wedding date based on a saint feast day and church availability.
For DD’s wedding, we were only able to invite a few people outside of relatives (and a few of the out of state relatives did come). DD/SIL invited more of their friends when they knew some out of state relatives couldn’t make it. The reception hall was the limiting factor with their wedding - 150. We ended up having about 160 there. We had some of the tables marked ‘reserved’ so all the older people had a table. They had chairs along the one side for the young folks, some of those cocktail tall tables too. It was buffet, so easy to get all fed with the food hot. They splurged on a 20 piece jazz band who did a fab job. DD2 was lead alto sax in another jazz band with the lead tenor sax with this jazz band (made up of college students and just graduated college students) - DD2 was able to play lead alto sax on the finale song - and she did a great job with them. One of the other musicians said to DD2 “you are pretty good” to which DD2 said “I use to be better” (she just looked over the basics of the song and warmed up a little - she had played this song in the other jazz group so lead tenor sax and her had this song down - her musical chops were good as she was consistently playing clarinet in college and was good enough to pursue music if she wanted to).
SEE PART 2 - limit on number of characters in a message!
After the rehearsal dinner, some went to the bar at our hotel. I went to the bar, and H and his family went to our suite - we hosted in our suite gathering food/drinks both on the Friday night and the Saturday night after the wedding (which I had brought and set up - some of what delayed me but needed to be done). H was miffed at me because I ran a little late and missed the rehearsal (which I didn’t need to be at) and came in just as people were sitting down for the rehearsal dinner (I went around to all the tables and said hello). I was in a separate vehicle (H went with earlier group and I took one later person with me who was undergoing chemo and needed extra rest at my house - I had to host relatives at our home before and after the wedding, so I had clean up and set up – I should have packed myself the night before or gotten up at 3 am, but in the end I was rested enough and didn’t miss anything. I was at our suite Saturday night, and told people to drop by. Our hotel also had a lovely hot breakfast (included) - very high business class (who use the hotel during the week) 6 a - 10 a, so we got a chance to talk to a lot of relatives who were there. My sister and her H from out of state had an early Sunday flight, so I got there at 6 am to have coffee while they had breakfast. All at the hotel had free shuttle to the airport, and it was an easy 15 minute trip.
We could not have asked for a better wedding. The church portion was central in their planning. The out of town folks had not been to this Cathedral, and it is very beautiful. Very ‘high church’ ceremony - lots of smells and bells. Excellent organist and musicians. Our hotel had 3 wedding parties, and another party was having their wedding at a neighboring Catholic Church - she wanted the Cathedral but we had already booked it…Our wedding party was the largest at the hotel, and SIL’s parents had negotiated a hotel deal before (for their older son a few years before in another city) - and they did a great job. We got concierge parking free thanks to their negotiations, (normally $10 each time you come and go). I encouraged heavy tipping of the parking crew and we kept them busy. The food for the wedding dinner was from a family restaurant/catering group that had reasonable charge for really nice food. Nice job on the flowers - floral lady works out of her home, and my Master Gardener friend was very complimentary on the flowers. DD ordered a wedding dress directly from the Italian Designer, and wedding dress and veil was under $2,000 but it could have been 3, 4 or 5X the cost and one wouldn’t know - it was very beautiful and fit perfect to the measurements we gave - required no alteration.
DD2 has expensive tastes. She also needed a car, and she got one that was equivalent to what we contributed to DD1’s wedding. DD2 really likes control. For her wedding DD2 - we have no idea when she will get married. She makes a good living and her future H and she can fund, or maybe his family will want to help fund, IDK. DD1/SIL had the wedding they wanted, and it was terrific.
I think a wedding plays a couple of roles. There is the formal linkage of the couple. That can easily be done at City Hall or with a Justice of the Peace. But, thinking like an anthropologist for a moment, the wedding is a linking of two clans that a) introduces them to each other while they witness the bonding; and 2) increase the perceived costs of an early divorce.
I would have liked a small wedding, but we ended up with a much bigger one as our parents wanted to invite friends and relatives. Money was not really an issue for ShawWife’s family and it was a lovely wedding.
But, the most important parts of the event are not the food but the bonding. We have good friends who lost one of their two sons to suicide. The other likely moved up his wedding plans to help the parents. They had food trucks with gourmet pizzas as the dinner; you just walked up to the trucks, waited in line and got your food. I think there was a buffet for a salad. The couple were obviously deeply committed to each other (and great people) and it was a wonderful wedding. Much less expensive than my niece’s and nephew’s weddings and no less lovely.
As much as I am up for thread drift, this is getting excessive. How about we shift back to retirement?
Has anyone found an adequate health care plan after retirement (before Medicare age), that doesn’t cost an arm an a leg? I just found out our current plan costs $24K, and goes up every year.? We can get a high deductible plan for 12K, but good Lord…we use a lot of medical, and these plans keep going up in cost.
@busdriver11 We have not had group health insurance in 32 years so have to buy on the individual market. This year I’m 59 and I pay $950 a month for a Blue Shield policy with a $1650 deductible. My H is two years younger and has a policy with a $6500 deductible and I think his premium is around $650. We buy our insurance through an agent. It doesn’t cost us anything. If you know an agent you like you might ask for some suggestions.
On the subject of wedding costs. We are two down with likely one more to go. My H wishes it will be an elopement but I know it won’t. We have covered the majority of the coat for both weddings. Not extravagant 130 people with a coat of around 35,000-40,000. This is Ca. Where the venues are costly. What I love about the family weddings is the opportunity to see family that we don’t normally see.
Whoa, 24K for a high deductible plan? I’m hoping at least that’s for two people.
Good idea about talking to an agent, @mom60, I should do that. Honestly, I knew medical insurance was going to be a huge added cost for retiring early, but I didn’t realize how large. And the fact that they can raise prices excessively every year, makes it a huge unknown.
Maybe people can keep their wedding posts focused on costs. Lots of details about weddings and wedding planning definitely is better geared to the other thread.
As far as healthcare costs after retirement, $24K per couple seems like its in the ballpark of going rates, unfortunately. Unless you qualify for subsidies under ACA.
The high cost of healthcare (before we are Medicare eligible) is one of the things that keeps H and I working. We can do some great traveling on $24K a year and would rather continue to work (we both like our jobs) than pay that amount for healthcare at this point in our lives (H is 62 and I am 59).