Best thing that could have happened for my dad would have been for my mom to hang on another couple months. It was clear she was dying (though he had no clue) but we didn’t expect it would be as soon as it was. She was in rehab stay at nursing facility and we had a meeting the following day to discuss her next steps. Play was to move her and my dad into assisted living/nursing home. He may have been able to help her with assistance of assisted living. She was clearly masking his memory issues (we didn’t know by how much but they were a good pair–he was fine physically and she was fine mentally). But my mom showed us all an passed away the evening before that meeting.
He literally believes that senior living centers are where wives go when their husbands die. Couldn’t convince him to try one even on a short term basis. Then 2 months ago he hurt his back (compression fracture). Needed a nursing home rehab stay. Turns out, he loves the place. Very social. Rarely is he in his room when I visit. Always talking to staff members or other residents. Increased social activities (he knew only a couple people there when he arrived but now knows 20+) and eating 3 meals a day (on his own he often forgot to eat), he is doing well. As I told him prior to the stay I got the sense he was just existing rather than living.
Cost of assisted living will not be cheap. But looking at home care isn’t cheap either. Depending on hours of care/assistance he needs each day and it would cost more for home care. And social aspects would not be as good at home.
Never easy. Interesting to realize that both my parents lived a couple hours away from their respective parents as adults and each had siblings living in the same city as their parents. So they didn’t see the day to day issues of aging of their parents. My parents had no idea how it would work out and the issues involved. In some ways I am in a worse spot of not living in same city but also not living hours/plane flight away. I can help run errands/doctors appts/etc but its pretty much at least a 1/2 day event.
I really like aMacMom’s post! I especially agree with the part I made bold.
“My mom bloomed in her independent living facility (with assisted living, skilled nursing and memory care as needed). We didn’t realize how isolated she had become caring for my dad in his last years. Her advice is that you need to make the move before you need to make the move to embrace the change.
H’s mom aged at home until she passed away last year. It was rough (and expensive) at the end. Covid certainly complicated things.
H & I prefer my mom’s path. Hopefully we’re decades away from that move.”
We moved my parents into a senior community near us when my siblings and I saw changes in our dad’s physical well-being. My parents lived an hour’s drive away in the city (Chicago) and loved their walkable neighborhood. However my dad started showing signs where crossing the street at intersections began to look unsafe. Both my mom and dad didn’t want to move. But we persisted from a loving place. We started to research options and appealed to their common sense that they should prepare “in case something happens”. At the time they were around 80 yrs of age.
There were bumps along the road but in the long run it worked out very well. Here are some of the reasons:
My parents were in a much safer place. (No stairs, there were wide hallways with chair rail, pull cords for assistance in the living room, bedroom and bathroom and a daily safety check…if they didn’t open their apt door by 10am, someone would knock and check to see if all was well.)
My parents were eating much better. Cooking for 2 can be challenging and we had noticed they were relying on Lean Cuisines and other easy to prepare meals. Grocery shopping in the winter would only become more challenging. At their senior community they had a nice selection of healthy options AND ate their meals with other people.
Socializing was/is a huge plus. In the city, even though they had lived in the same neighborhood for 50 yrs, people were moving, passing, etc. The senior community we chose (in part) because of its proximity to me, was a great fit. Many of the seniors there were former professionals…principals, engineers, etc. My parents were able to socialize at meals/movie nights/entertainment performances as a couple…and for the first time, in a long time, make friends with members of the same gender that didn’t involve the other. (Independence!) In the beginning, to sell them on the idea, I would compare their new living arrangement to a college dorm or a cruise ship.
I’ve seen people laud the benefits of a diverse community with respect to age. We saw the benefit of having my parents with people their own age. When my dad eventually needed to use a walker there was no stigma attached to it. People were eager to share their opinions/experience. The walker kept him active in his safe space. In the city it would have been very difficult to exercise.
My mom and MIL live in different senior communities with different levels of care…my mom has a yearly contract, my MIL is at a buy-in facility. Both have allowed us to transition to the doctors that do on-site appts, which has proven very helpful with Covid.
If you look for a senior community before you need it, there are 2 huge benefits. The first is it gives the family time to find a “best fit” scenario. My parents’ community had a variety of age appropriate activities…Wii bowling, crafts, game nights, bingo, guest speakers, exercise classes, concerts (I liked the fact that they worked with local school districts to bring in children to perform…sometimes they were grade school, other times middle and high school kids) etc. Even transportation to churches, stores and group outings was provided pre-Covid.
The second big benefit for us was cost. There are a lot of intricacies when dealing with financing (for lack of a better phrase) ‘end of life’ living. Researching and having to organize “stuff” before an event happens was so much less stressful than if we had procrastinated. By anticipating and facing future needs that come with decline, we were able to assist our parents. Being proactive, eased some of the pain for our moms when their respective husbands of 50-plus years passed.
My husband and I, if we are fortunate to live long enough, will try to be proactive. Lessons have been learned…hopefully.
The other benefit for moving early is the staff get to know you while you are still well. My mom became non verba towards the end but the staff knew her likes/dislikes, knew how to make her smile, etc….
Another benefit to moving before they need it: If one passes away, it is a blessing to have a community to lean on … with more than a few who understand exactly what the surviving spouse is going through. My MIL didn’t want to go out of her room after my FIL passed away, but the staff got her out & about. If she had been in her own home, she would have been more isolated. Yes, she has friends outside the facility, and they would have visited … but the act of going to the dining room for communal meals has been important for her.
We tried to get my mother to move to an independent living situation for a number of years (my father died in 2002) and she said, “That is where old people go to die.” She was very plugged in to the local Jewish community and many of her friends had transitioned to a local place that was very expensive. I think it was pretty nice. One of the places where you buy in and get 90% back when you die or have to leave.
Flash forward 10 years or so and she moved to be near my sister and moved into an independent facility. She is no longer cooking for herself. Doesn’t love the food there(because she keeps kosher, she won’t eat the chicken or meat so they giver her overcooked salmon several times a week. For the first year, which started in the summer before COVID, she complained (and cried) every day. She held out against socializing. Post COVID, she is going to dinner with friends. At age 97, she goes to exercise class every day it is offered, walks the halls, reads books, and seems genuinely much happier. The loneliness from COVID isolation was really difficult for her.
As she has declined, we have added help (to ensure she takes her pills, etc.) rather than move her to a more intensive situation, but she can make that move if needed. I can only say good things about the place (other than making good food for vegetarian or pescatarian or kosher folks).
Seventh Day Adventists are very good with making good vegetarian food - IDK if their cooking staff can incorporate any good veg dishes with a little searching for recipes/ideas.
I had not heard of Pescatarian diet until you mentioned it - and it must be a relatively ‘new’ concept as no form of the word is in my 2100+ page 1983 version Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary - I had to google it. Does sound interesting.
Fish isn’t meat, LOL. But glad Websters did pick up what is becoming a popular concept.
And since aging and health are on this thread - a caution to always use tongs when handling raw chicken. They instruct not to even rinse off the chicken after getting it out of grocery wrap. Last month, for several weeks I had lower GI issues that culminated to needing lots of lab in order to diagnose and treat – it turns out I had campylobacter (which could have come from the chicken) - since it had gone on for weeks before getting bad enough to getting medical involvement it was tough to pinpoint. Even the Health Dept. called me to follow up discussing the possible source. 5 days of antibiotic, so easy cure once the culture and sensitivity was done.
I have a number of friends whose parents are in the will kick you out if you run out of $$ facilities. I can’t quite grasp that when there are other facilities that will let the person stay once they run out of $$. I would not like to be shopping an elderly, destitute, frail person around for a new cheap place to stay!
Dumb question, I’m sure. How do you determine which places will kick you out if you run out of funds and which ones won’t? And, then somewhere upthread, someone talked about the timing of getting in when you DO have funds so you can’t be kicked out later??
All this confusion and the whole SS running out of money in 2034 drives me to drink.
While I agree in theory, my father was so worried about making sure there was an inheritance that he skimped on care for himself and my mom for years and year. It made our lives so much more stressful than it needed to be. I would have much rather they have spent their money on caregivers so I could have been the daughter instead of the nurse and the aide. It would have improved our relationship.
Then you need to talk to an elder care lawyer now, in order to understand how the laws work. It might be a good idea to gift your kids a lot of $$$ through the years, rather than holding onto it yourself. Obviously everyone’s circumstances are different, but it could save you and your kids lots of money. In order to get on Medicaid, you need to have gotten rid of your $$$ years before you need Medicaid, or they know you’re gaming the system.
I am gifting ds some cash now, but not above the yearly limits. I am more keen on gifting to ds than dh is.
Someone upthread talked about the concept of, “family wealth.” I like that idea very much. Dh’s mom has some resources - not what we have but not insignificant either. He does not like discussing any potential inheritance from her at all.
We are likely gifting one of our kids an amount over the yearly limit and will do the extra tax form when we file next year. In the big scheme of things, we would rather give this gift now when we are alive and can see our kid(s) enjoy it.
It’s not some facility getting all your money - it is you getting a safe place to live, healthy food, social interaction, an enjoyable retirement, etc. That is what you saved for.
Personally, I would prefer my parents to have a good quality of life (and they will probably also live longer) than get their money.