My FIL’s chronic pain from Parkinson’s and spinal stenosis were not manageable. It could be lessened a bit, but it was always there. Watching him suffer was horrible. He worked so hard to stay positive, to stay mobile. Even at the end, after he broke 3 vertabrae & had excruciating pain, he kept trying to walk. He wanted to get better for his wife. It was heartbreaking, but he went down fighting. The first hospice service failed to properly medicate him, so we switched. Not sure why a hospice doctor was worried about possibly overmedicating a dying man. The second service helped take away his pain … but it could only be done because he was on his deathbed. Chronic pain is the worst.
My dad had a lot of pain with cancer, but he only took as much to take enough of the edge off as he did want to function and absorb all around him. He would say when he was hurting too much to have the baby on his lap for example.
So it is a double edged sword.
Now there is quite a lot that can be done if spinal stenosis is not too advanced for example or if the person can endure the procedure given their age and co-morbidities.
Trying to walk with the severe back issues, and maybe w/o a proper brace or enough pain medication. Even with use of a wheel chair. Absolutely right to get the right Hospice to manage the pain.
Please do not judge the pain, suffering and physical debilitation of people, who despite all possible efforts by top-notch, well-respected doctors, over a number of years, have issues that just aren’t fixable. Sometimes one’s body rejects all attempts at repair.
The funeral I attended last week was brutal.
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I am not saying anything about what a person has to manage in their own circumstances - I do not walk in their shoes.
I just know my dad would limit the pain medication so he could be more clear thinking. That is what a double edged sword I am talking about with the pain medication.
I do not have any ‘judging’ in my comments.
I was affirming it is right to seek out other Hospice when one is not doing the job to the satisfaction of the patient and/or the family.
There are many conditions which don’t qualify for hospice that still can leave one with unresolvable pain that revision surgeries, extensive PT and meds can’t fix. Won’t share details here other than it’s not me or my family, and it was excruciating.
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Question … In all my cleaning, I came across two credit cards. I’ve don’t believe I’ve ever used them and, truthfully, not sure why I have them.
One is Sears. I think maybe back in the day (card expired in 2008) dh opened this in order to get 5% off a fridge or something. I don’t think we ever activated it. The second card is something called Citgo Plus. I have no idea why I have it. My name and a number are on it, but there’s no expiration date or things you would find on a regular credit card. Any phone number on the Citgo card or paper work I find is a bad number; it has one of those fast busy signals.
I have tried calling both companies, and they say they don’t have a record of my account so I should just get rid of these and not worry, right?
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Are they listed in your credit report?
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I haven’t pulled a credit report in forever. I don’t remember them there the last time I saw one.
That leads to another question … How often do people see their credit reports?
My credit card (Capital One) provides it to me whenever I click on the link. Which I do maybe every quarter or so.
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I used to rotate through the free ones every 4 months, but several years ago I got one of those free monitoring things because of a hack. And then after that it happened again. So while I’m out of the habit I get a monthly statement that says good news, nothing new to report and I check my score every month and it’s always roughly the same.
The citgo card sound like one of those reward programs like they have at gas stations/grocery stores/pharmacies.
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I used to check our credit report every three to six months. Then, like @ClassicMom98 mentioned, we got free monitoring after some hacks. Now I look maybe once a year, although I do review our credit card activity and bank accounts online more often.
Right now, one is able to get them more frequently. I also used to alternate getting the 3 major ones, once a quarter. I do have several free credit monitoring services through one credit union, and two credit cards. I do try to get them through annualcreditreport.com to stay on top of what’s on there.
This is very much like what H and I have discussed. So far my chronic pain can be tolerated, as can some other issues, but my activities were curtailed even before the pandemic. Most of the doctors I’ve dealt with, for myself and for family members, have been so afraid of addiction that adequate pain relief was rarely provided. Pain management specialists are not always an option for people in some communities.
I hope to be able to make my own final choices before things get too bad for me or for my family. I’ve seen loved ones suffer with Alzheimer’s when it’s far beyond simple memory loss. My older siblings were in denial for too long, as were my sisters-in-law and brothers-in law, so optimal care was not always provided.
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Often said by Jesus “Do not be afraid”.
Another quote “there is nothing to fear but fear itself”.
Information is power. Keep up on medical conditions, medical care. Seek out the health care and alternative options.
My daughter’s father in law has had Parkinson’s for maybe the past 10 years. He is in his mid-60’s. It is affecting their QOL some. It is progressing. They are very devout Catholics. I have had stage III cancer turn around with intercessory prayer by my aunt who did a pilgrimage to Lourdes – my hope was to see my DDs through to adulthood if that was God’s plan – they were in 8th and 10th grades at the time. I was weak and through a lot of treatments – but my dad had radiation burns due to the less controlled radiation available in the mid 1990’s. Now I am around to help with the 3 grandchildren and help DDs in adulthood in their 20’s. I am around to help DH. We have faith with our suffering and offer it up to God. The power of prayer. Some may think this is hokey, but it is my/our perspective.
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@Colorado_mom - actually, close! Meeting with finance folks on charting out next steps!
The lowdown I got from tax preparer/finanicial person - buying healthcare would cost me and hub and 20 year old daughter something like $2800 a month ($30k a year). 
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Having lived through the decline of my parents (in-home aids, various stints in rehabs, visits to potential nursing homes, talking to private aides about nursing home care in the local area) - the options are pretty disconcerting/frightening and the choice of facility (within very limited options, usually) is important. The care that elders receive in some very expensive places is shocking. I also saw it with friends’ parents.
So my thought is - even if I don’t know who I am or anyone else is - it’s important to be in a place with good care, since there are so very many place that (really!) neglect the people there and those folks cannot advocate for themselves.
I absolutely wouldn’t want to burden my kids, but I would like it if they were close enough to stop in once and a while to let people know someone cared and inquire as to status!
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This is where we are with my in-laws. For MIL the decline has been painfully slow. I first started noticing odd memory issues when the kids were in middle school. (They are now in their early 20s.). With her strong family history you knew what it was. And it’s just been so awful. I knew it was bad but since she went to live with SIL, I’ve heard more stories. And it took a week before falling and breaking her hip. She’s now in a rehab place where with covid visits are so limited H hasn’t been able to visit and I don’t even know when he will be able. (We are < 2 miles away) And she doesn’t answer she phone. And pain? FIL has a horribly bulging disk they can’t operate on because of his other issues, of which there are too many to list. The worst are leukemia & an almost non functional heart. He is on so many meds and still in pain every day for years. He is depressed. Again, it’s awful. I know 20+ years ago when MIL had finished dealing with her dad (in a nursing home 4 hours away) and her only sibling was going through it, she would remark to me how Dr K was a saint and she wished she would have that option some day. She would be horrified to see how it’s turned out.
I would suggest making sure your kids/family members know your intentions. Dealing with the issue right now with my father. He has significant memory/cognitive issues. Occasionally able to have a reasoned discussion with him but he doesn’t remember any of it an hour later. Makes decisions a challenge. Ultimately I know what he (and my mother – who passed away a couple years ago) wants. Because I talked with them over the years about it.
Siblings can definitely be a problem. Getting everyone on the same page can be a big problem. Saw it with my mother. I could see clearly that she was dying but my siblings were cheering her rehab processes. I viewed them as torture. Her death was a total surprise to them (and my dad but I think he just didn’t want to think about it). I am sure it will be the same with my dad when it comes to my siblings.
What lies ahead for my dad scares me. Know where its headed and its not a good place (at least not in the near term).
It all gives me a perspective on aging my parents never had. Both of them lived several hours away from their respective parents and had siblings living in the same town as their parents. And in some ways this is a warm up for my wife’s parents who are 5-10 years behind. But all of this will lead to discussions with my kids (that have already begun) about what my wife and I want. Which is a good thing.
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This is EXACTLY how I feel.
I want good care and as much dignity as is feasible. I don’t want to be a financial burden to my ds, but I feel that if I am close to where he lives the monitoring of those things will be much easier on him. Perhaps not easy, but I don’t think periodically checking in on the well-being of his parents is a lot to ask.
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Dealing with my uncle and dementia. I’m his POA. He has no other family but 6 nieces and nephews. Mom (his SIL) is in independent living at same place. My dad died last March and we hate that my mom feels somewhat responsible because he’s my dads younger brother (by 10 years). He is well care for, but the things that have come out of blue for us have been how he now doesn’t care about hygiene or being dressed. Lots of toilet accidents. His willingness to sleep in soiled sheets really alerted us that he couldn’t handle independent living any more. He hid extent of problems well until pandemic. So sad…so exhausting.
Hard also to not be slightly resentful since I should be spending time with my mom who lost the love of her life. Instead I’m on the phone trying to work with staff to figure out how to get him to shower