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Those of you who don't want your children to know the details of family finances, why not?
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<p>Because I don't want them to think that they (or their future spouses, or future spouse's relatives) can sponge off us rather than make their own ways in life. You can say "no can do" easily if the asker doesn't know the answer could be "yes." My children will be picking my nursing home someday, and I don't want any avoidable resentment.</p>
<p>Just learned the details of my parents' finances--and I'm 50+.</p>
<p>We haven't shared with our Ds our family finances--but would share with them the amount and the progress of their college funds ("Bad day in the market today--community college for you.")</p>
<p>And a variation of the OP Question: Have any of you considered discussing some of the finances with Boyfriend? </p>
<p>Daughter auditioned at five schools, and received five rejection letters. By the time she auditioned and was accepted into the sixth school, it was mid-April, her self-confidence was totally shot and the tension around here was unbelievable. There is no way we could have discussed finances with her.</p>
<p>She is at a private college that is costing is a bit more than we had hoped for. We have taken out college loans and are paying on them, but we've also told her that when she graduates, these are her loans. She is basically ignoring us. She has no real concept as far as how much in debt she/we are. Husband and I both worked full time in the summers, and we figured she would too. Nope, she has a part time job, and no plans to do anything else. She works during the school year, but all that money, and all her summer money, goes to visiting boyfriend out of state. We have tried to talk to her, but you can see her mentally putting her fingers in her ears and going "La la la la." Besides, she has implied that it's all our fault that we didn't save enough money to put her through college, ignoring the cost of years of dance lessons, pointe shoes and Propels. As it sits now, at the end of her sophomore year, her savings account has $21 in it.</p>
<p>Boyfriend is going to a $43,000 a year college with no financial aid or loans. They are talking engagement rings.</p>
<p>At what point do I say "Hey, boyfriend, here's the situation. You are about to marry into a five-digit debt!"</p>
<p>My D actually brought it up, once. "How much do you make?" When I told her, she was impressed, "wow, that's a lot"</p>
<p>Then I broke it down...</p>
<p>minus X for taxes = Y
minus X for rent = Y
minus X for utilities = Y
minus X for my student loans = Y</p>
<p>Etc.</p>
<p>I didn't embellish, but was honest and straightforward. When it came right down to it, she wasn't so impressed anymore, but now appreciates her part-time job a whole lot more!</p>
<p>Ellemenope---I learned the details of my mother's finances after she died at age 84. Two weeks after her death, I received my last letter from her, asking for money for the first time in her life. I'm still convinced that having to ask for money is what killed her. My sisters and I would have been happy to make her last years easier if she'd been willing to accept help.</p>
<p>DT123: what makes you think your children would sponge of you if they thought you had money? Have you taught them those values? Our children KNOW we have money and are nonetheless anxiously looking forward to financial independence--partly because they don't want us telling them what to do with their money! (I would also point out that you can refuse to allow them to sponge by saying "I need that money to pay for my nursing home so I don't have to sponge off you.")</p>
<p>Nceph: yes, there are incredibly nosy people out there. I suggest, however, that nosy questions are not just about money, and that your children can--and should--learn answers to all sorts of nosy questions, like: "Have you lost weight?" ("Do I need to?") "How much financial aid did you get? ("Enough.") "What do your parents make?" ("Dinner.") </p>
<p>And generally, yes, I agree that what a near-adult needs to know is different from what a ten or 12 year old needs to know---but I also know that many of my D's friends were very anxious about how their parents were going to pay for college, and could have used more information.</p>
<p>And a variation of the OP Question: Have any of you considered discussing some of the finances with Boyfriend? </p>
<p>Daughter auditioned at five schools, and received five rejection letters. By the time she auditioned and was accepted into the sixth school, it was mid-April, her self-confidence was totally shot and the tension around here was unbelievable. There is no way we could have discussed finances with her.</p>
<p>She is at a private college that is costing is a bit more than we had hoped for. We have taken out college loans and are paying on them, but we've also told her that when she graduates, these are her loans. She is basically ignoring us. She has no real concept as far as how much in debt she/we are. Husband and I both worked full time in the summers, and we figured she would too. Nope, she has a part time job, and no plans to do anything else. She works during the school year, but all that money, and all her summer money, goes to visiting boyfriend out of state. We have tried to talk to her, but you can see her mentally putting her fingers in her ears and going "La la la la." Besides, she has implied that it's all our fault that we didn't save enough money to put her through college, ignoring the cost of years of dance lessons, pointe shoes and Propels. As it sits now, at the end of her sophomore year, her savings account has $21 in it.</p>
<p>Boyfriend is going to a $43,000 a year college with no financial aid or loans. They are talking engagement rings.</p>
<p>At what point do I say "Hey, boyfriend, here's the situation. You are about to marry into a five-digit debt!"</p>
<p>Sounds to me like it's time not to send in that tuition payment!!!!</p>
<p>Unfortunately, she sounds like a very spoiled child and that it is time to cut her off. </p>
<p>At the minimum she should work full-time in the summers. Because our child is also going private next year with no FA, we have told her that a Saturday position in addition to her 40 hr/wk position might be in her best interests during the summer.</p>
<p>All we tell our kids about our financial situation is that we can afford their private school now, and will continue to be able to pay for college and grad school if need be. Beyond that, it's none of their business. They need to know that their needs are taken care of, but they don't need to know all the details. I want them to respect and value money and not take it for granted. We've lived in the same house for almost ten years and my husband drives a clunker (literally, it just started making those clunking noises when it hit the 150,000 miles point) and refuses to shop without coupons. We don't order drinks at restaurants because they're not worth it (high profit item for the restaurants) and we go to matinees, not full price movies. Our kids go to the same school as movie star kids and mega multi-millionaires and I know they must think we're poor, because their classmates get diamonds for half-birthdays (not kidding) and designer handbags "just because." But we just happen to value education and not that other stuff. Not eveyone with money flaunts it. If your parents say they can pay for school, then take them at their word and don't worry about it.</p>
<p>It is interesting to see the different points of view about money here. To our family, money has always just been another fact of life that we discuss honestly whenever the topic comes up, just like s*x or whatever other topics come up. We have never gone into more detail than our boys asked for, but have also never denied them answers to any questions or hidden anything from them. Perhaps the fact that we don't have a lot of money makes me feel differently. I feel it is important for them to know how much we can afford and what things we give up so they can have a good education. (not in a "Look at what martyrs we are" way, but just showing that we value education and their future more than nice vacations or new cars, etc.) I never realized it was so personal to some people.</p>
<p>We have told S everything and where everything is. I even made a file for him on his jump drive. As a precaution to if something happens to both of us.</p>
<p>We took this step after hearing from many of my friends who said it was almost impossible to re-construct their parent's financial affairs after their death.</p>
<p>As Susan said, it has been interesting hearing others' attitudes. I'm not at all sorry for how we raised our kids, but I also hear the message that it is time to teach them more specifics about finances, now that we have imparted our values.
By the way, I always knew roughly what my parents made. We lived in a very poor area, but they both had jobs, which was unusual, so we were relatively well off. We took a 1 week driving vacation every summer, which made us quite unusual. I did not learn specifics about my parents' finances until I was a "complete" adult - or as adult as I have ever gotten, and my father became ill, about age 30. My Mom still runs her financial business very well, thank you, but my name is on all her accounts, CDs, etc, I just play no role in the day to day management of her affairs. I guess I always thought we would treat our kids the same. the difference is that I grew up with a lot of extended family, and if anything had happened to both my parents, I would not have really had to do anything. My D, though, would have to manage on her own at least for awhile, until the extended family could move into action - makes a difference.</p>
<p>Peggy, Are those loans in your daughter's name? If not, when she graduates, they will be your loans.</p>
<p>Our financial situation is a complete open book to our kids. We think letting the kids see the whole picture is a good teaching tool. It would never occur to them that just because we "can" afford something, we would be likely to buy it. Every spending decision from haircuts to houses undergoes an informal cost/benefit analysis. Earnings decisions, such as high salary/high stress versus lower salary/lower stress, raises/promotions, job offers in other cities, etc. have also been shared with the kids just because we hash these things out openly around the house. We do know many parents who believe letting kids in on this kind of uncertainty raises their stress level unnecessarily and they should be sheilded until a decision is reached.</p>
<p>heartcross,</p>
<p>We told our D her before her first year that we would pay tuition and dorm fees (room and board) and she was responsible for books and whatever else she would spend, including clothing. (she discovered resale...)</p>
<p>Fortunately, we did not need to use tough love. She saw the writing on the wall, so to speak, and spent responsibly.</p>
<p>You are still paying your own student loans?</p>
<p>from a hs junior perspective, since about 10th grade, ive pretty much known my family's finances. i think that financial literacy is an extremely important thing to learn from your parents. I think the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad is about this although i haven't read it. Knowing the work and discipline it takes to run a household and build a nest egg is very motivating and helps put things into perspective. also, going over investments, stocks, taxes, etc. with my dad has sparked in me an interest in finance that i plan to pursue in college. if nosy people ask, i have no problem w/ telling them that things like that are private.</p>
<p>rorosen: I returned to school 5 years ago, and yes, I am paying off my student loans. I'd paid off my original ones (from the "olden days") nearly 20 years ago.</p>
<p>I'm with the "open book" camp. My kids learned to garage sale young, and we lived a tightwadder's gazette type lifestyle to make ends meet. The kids drank "earth juice" (i.e. water) instead of soda, and they knew why they were doing so! Now we are fairly comfortable, since we live within our means, and we spend a little more freely. Our kids have an awareness, though, that many of their friends do not. They "weigh" their purchases - they know the value of a dollar, and how to maximize their "bang for the buck". I'm GLAD we raised them this way, because they will not feel deprived living on a poor grad student's income. (Mommy and Daddy will NOT be paying for grad school :) )</p>
<p>Peggy--I'm sorry, but you created the situation you now find yourself in. Ballet isn't cheap. If you willing forked over all that money over all those years without clueing your daughter in then don't blame her for being in la-la land. The world of dance is incredibly unrealistic and distorted--it's like a boy thinking he'll be a pro basketball or football player and his parent s not insisting he have a backup plan because the odds of achieving a pro career are in line with the odds of winning the lottery.</p>
<p>I'm somewhere in between on this -- my kids have a general idea of what my finances are & what I earn, but not detailed. Partly this is because I am self-employed -- what I earn one year is no guarantee of the next -so there is no point in going into much detail unless we are talking about a specific task I am taking on. The other issue is that my comfort level with paying money out for college and taking on debt is subjective; it is not related to an objective determination of what I can "afford." I am worried about all sorts of intangibles & what if's -- and I honestly don't want to burden my kids with those worries, since they aren't always grounded in objective reality. That is, for example, I might be worried about how illness would affect my income when I happen to be in perfect health: I've got a normal worry for a 50-something person, but why should my kids stress out over that? </p>
<p>So the bottom line isn't really what I can or can't pay, it is what I am willing to pay and how much debt I am willing to carry. I've got a pretty good idea in my mind of what that is. </p>
<p>I think an objective, professional financial advisor might tell me that my thresshold for spending & debt is too high: the professional might be horrified by the balance of funds in my retirement account. On the other hand, to a kid that looks like a lot of money. </p>
<p>So basically -- I've got no secrets from my kids and I will answer questions when they ask, but what they need to know is what I will pay, not what I can pay or what I wish I could pay. My kids are comfortable with this.</p>