But you said you’re writing the essay about running the business. The traits they want to see (not resume descriptions or explanations) are best handled as, “Show, not just tell.” And now you mention “philanthropic intentions?” They aren’t looking for post grad plans, they’re looking for the 4 years. And they make some measure of how you’d fit there based on what you’ve done so far, those choices. Plus what you choose to emphasize in the app and supps will show an inherent understanding of what they do want to learn. Or Not. Add to that, other than sports andmusic, you’re nearly unilateral.
Not to mention how “educating minorities on how to be fiscally responsible” sounds so cocky. What experience with others, what shows your humility? And a present record of doing for others, rolling up your sleeves and doing for the needy in your community, first hand?
“Some of the things I talked about, for example, included my eventual philanthropic intentions, and an essay about educating minorities on how to be fiscally responsible.”
Oh heavens, no. Just no. Drop these ideas and start from scratch. You do not want to write an essay about some future day’s “philanthropic intentions” when you could have gotten that ball rolling well before application season. Many folks in this country, young and old, could use some financial education, but the “minority” factor is cringe worthy.
@Groundwork2022 Thanks for the feedback. I didn’t mean educating as in full-on teaching (implying they are incompetent) but rather how to maximize advantages and understand other loopholes which many wealthy people use to stay wealthy, but many minorities/middle-class people are not aware of. But as I said, these are the essays I’m not sure about and are replaceable, I have other drafts to replace this with.
@lookingforward I wrote about my businesses for two of the Common App prompts that asked about my accomplishments/something I am very passionate about. I tried my best to provide an image of myself that showed my interest in interdisciplinary studies, with my other interests in computer science, technology, and physics. I’m not sure if I have much more to give in terms of creating an even more rounded image of myself? I think the number of credits on my transcript can somewhat apply to speak for my academic interest; other than that, if you could provide examples of what a student in my position (huge one-dimensional “spike”) should do then that would be great.
Sorry if I came off as cocky, that completely wasn’t my intention, nor do I have any superiority complex regarding that. Now that I look at it the wording makes it sound really wrong, but I was referring more to teaching some of the tricks and tips that many extremely wealthy individuals and institutions use to maintain their wealth. This is actually one of my current community service projects. I volunteer along with other members of my investment club at school with a local bank’s educational department and we go around to middle schools and libraries, just teaching basic budgeting and personal finance. In my personal experience, I advised my own parents on money management even before running my own business, and I can say these years of experience really helped out my family. I did not word it like my response on here in the essay (UC “How will you give back/contribute to your community”) and I will most likely scrap it and replace it.
I will admit that I am lacking severely in the community service area and I don’t have 5 years of 500+ hours of community service, but I do have a good amount and it was meaningful (imo) as I gave back by offering some of the knowledge I have gained with my education, rather than deliberately stacking mindless soup kitchen hours for the presidential award, like many of my peers.
No one looks for 500 hours. Rather, other factors associated with comm service. Or not.
I think you’re missing some of the reasoning behind what Groundwork and I are saying. Unfortunately, we can only go on the phrasing you do choose here. Same as adcoms reading.
We can’t instruct you what to do, specifically. That’s unfair to the process. When one aims high, there’s a responsibility to learn what you can.
I suggest you apply caution. Step back from the notion your skills offer superiority for admissions. This is not a hierarchical game, who’s better or fancy lingo or whom you “advise” or make money for.
"I will admit that I am lacking severely in the community service area and I don’t have 5 years of 500+ hours of community service, but I do have a good amount and it was meaningful (imo) as I gave back by offering some of the knowledge I have gained with my education, rather than deliberately stacking mindless soup kitchen hours for the presidential award, like many of my peers. "
Still cringin’ over here. Please don’t make the argument (especially to an AO) that your time spent “offering some knowledge” is more valuable than the time your peers spent meeting the single most basic and essential need of their fellow humans.
You used your talents. Excellent. That is the minimum colleges expect to see of their graduates.
Google “Hacking the College Essay 2017” and read it.
Write the Essay No One Else Could Write
“It boils down to this: the essay that gets you in is the essay that no other applicant could write. Is this a trick? The rest of this guide gives you the best strategies to accomplish this single most important thing: write the essay no one else could write.
If someone reading your essay gets the feeling some other applicant could have written it, then you’re in trouble.
Why is this so important? Because most essays sound like they could have been written by
anyone. Remember that most essays fail to do what they should: replace numbers (SAT/GPA) with the real you.
Put yourself in the shoes of an admissions officer. She’s got limited time and a stack of
applications. Each application is mostly numbers and other stuff that looks the same. Then she picks
up your essay. Sixty seconds later, what is her impression of you? Will she know something specifically
about you? Or will you still be indistinguishable from the hundreds of other applicants she has been
reading about?”
You could say “Business Consulting, 2 years, Revenues of $20K”
Or you could talk about how you got into this…did you have a store you liked that you felt was missing out on online sales/ Advertising…and you didn’t want it to go out of business so you started talking to that owner…they did what you suggested and now their revenues are up X% so you thought you should talk to other business owners.
So not just "look at what I did " but why I did this and how it helped the community.
“Local Business Consulting, 2 years, resulting in customer sales increase of 20%”