I am deployed/I need somone to proof read, and give feedback on my transfer essay

Student Lounge Veterans
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<p>Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.</p>

<p>Beep, beep, beep! After only a measly four hours of sleep, it’s time to prepare for another strenuous day. I found myself juggling three jobs after high school to make ends meet, and also help my parents. With my nose to the grindstone, I was hardly satisfied. I opted for college, but did not have the time or money. I felt like my intelligence was going a waste. One day, I talked to an Air Force recruiter and from there on out, I knew I wanted to be an Airman in the U.S. Air Force. I admired the thought to serve my country, leave the nest, and to explore the world to take on new challenges in life. I answered the call to serve! The military has opened many windows of opportunity. None, more important than helping me earn a college degree! I will transfer all my hard work from my military endeavors into my academic endeavors and I will succeed.
My military endeavors have taken me to some extraordinary places, but New England will always be a place I call home. Being close to family and childhood friends, I can’t think of a better place to earn my degree. Northwest Florida State College is a fine institution that accommodated all of my military obligations, but I will be moving back to New England after I separate from the Air Force. Distance learning is out of the question for me. I prefer the face to face feel of a traditional classroom setting. A transition to Merrimack College will lead to not only a brighter career, but also to provide preparation to face life’s obstacles along the way.
A core value we live by in the Air Force is “service before self.” We hold the service’s needs above our own. This is a value I plan to translate into my every day study habits. I will do anything and everything in my power to achieve academic excellence. I have been involved with various volunteering opportunities while in the service. This is something I aim to continue, along with participating in many extracurricular activities. It feels self fulfilling to give back to a community that has supported me over the years.
With the economy as awful as it has been, it’s getting difficult to find a good job. Employers are seeking unique well educated professionals. The military has taught me many intangibles that are deemed valuable in the civilian work force. A college degree in conjunction with these values will be evident to the employers that I am the distinctive candidate they’re seeking. Furthermore, I plan on participating in ROTC to possibly assume a military future as a commissioned officer.
I am always aspiring to be better than I was yesterday. Completing my college degree is next up in line. My eagerness to learn is truly unparalleled. With the thought of continuing my college education, I wake up with an enormous grin of excitement each and every morning. The road ahead will surely be a difficult one, but I am confident that an education combined with my military experiences will make me a thorough individual able to tackle any challenge. Having been a New England resident for 20 years, I am very familiar with Merrimack’s excellent reputation, and I would be honored to be a part of your institution. As a potential student I hope that you will see my drive, dedication, and eagerness to succeed. Thank you for your consideration.</p>

<pre><code> -James Hardy
</code></pre>

<p>Thanks!
-SRA JAMES HARDY
1 SOAMXS</p>

2

<p>Disclaimer: I am a student waiting to transfer and my opinion is just that :slight_smile: I did get accepted to my third choice and am waiting to hear from the others!</p>

<p>I think your letter is full of energy and certainly shows your willingness to succeed no matter what challenge. The only question that remains in my mind is what interests you academically? 250 words is so hard to work with! Maybe instead of blandly saying a college degree you can say a degree in X or maybe highlight your personal academic interests. </p>

<p>Instead of saying your intelligence was going to waste, you can say your skills were or reword it altogether to state that you had few options and felt like you shouldn’t squander your abilities (and highlight one or two in particular). I say that because it struck me as pretentious. </p>

<p>You say that you admired the thought of serving your country. Instead you could say you admire those who have served and wanted to honor them though sacrifice. I think this way you will sound humble.</p>

<p>I like that you are motivated to serve your community and do volunteer work. You show a desire and ability to continue with the armed services as an officer and ROTC member.</p>

<p>Your grammar is good, but you switched tenses from present to past in the first two sentences. Maybe you can break up your topics by beginning with everything past, followed by present, and subsequently the future tense.</p>

<p>Overall, I think your essay highlights your motivation, optimism, and a desire to work within the local community. These are very strong and compelling characteristics. </p>

<p>Great work and good luck!!! :D</p>