<p>Keep in mind this is a peer edit so it might not be perfect. All of my comments are in ( ), but not all of the ( ) are my comments. What do you think?</p>
<p>I am very grateful that you have taken the time to look over my application and I hope you see me as a student worthy of admission to your university. I would like to take this opportunity to discuss and elaborate on an event during my junior year of which I believe I should explain. (Don't say elaborate twice)</p>
<p>During the first five days of my junior year, (just get to the point) I was suspended for possession of a knife. However, the knife they found on me was not a large kitchen or switchblade knife. The knife they found on me was part of a Swiss Army Knife I purchased from a local dollar store. Leading up to my suspension, I was assigned with a group to make a large exhibit about Charlie Parker to put on display in the school library. (Here I would put details about the display so they can visualize it and understand why you carried the supplies inc. the knife.) In case there was a need to make emergency repairs (Someone had vandalized it before in the library.), I carried several supplies such as Super Glue, X-Acto Blades, and the aforementioned Swiss Army Knife. One day, during my history class, I was cutting out comic strips with the scissor attachment of the Swiss Army Knife…….. (Add in why you were cutting out comic strips.) During which I was caught with the Swiss Army Knife. I was taken to the Dean's Office where I was searched. Among the Swiss Army Knife, they also found the X-Acto Blades in my backpack. Under the school's "Zero Tolerance Policy," I was suspended for five days for possession of what they considered "weapons." The days I was suspension were counted as unexcused absences. Because of this, I was not allowed to have the same benefits that students with excused absences had to make up the work they missed. As a result of the unexcused absences, I received reduced marks on my make-up work from my teachers with some teachers giving me zeroes for some assignments I missed. Because of the lower grades I received from those assignments, my first semester G.P.A. dropped. To this day I disagree with what I believe was a very harsh punishment, but I now understand that my school had an obligation to protect its' students from potential harm and I gained more respect for school rules. (At the end, put what you learned)</p>
<p>When you first mention the "knife," I would rather put "folding pocketknife." I would omit the sentence about how they searched you, and simply say that they suspended you for having the pocketknife and the X-acto blades.</p>
<p>My opinion is that it is too wordy and detailed. Anything that doesn't go right to the point needs to come out. Agree that you need to put what you learned and that you appreciate the need to enforce rules, although you feel this was unfortunately harsh. I would not mention cutting out comic strips.</p>
<p>I am very grateful that you have taken the time to look over my application and I hope you see a student worthy of admission to your university. I would like to take this opportunity <a href="remove">to explain</a> and elaborate on a few things <a href="redundant-%20you%20wouldn't%20be%20elaborating%20on%20them%20if%20you%20didn't%20think%20they%20needed%20to%20be%20elaborated%20upon">I believe should be elaborated on</a>.</p>
<p>-<a href="put%20this%20in%20more%20formal%20wording,%20or%20it%20sounds%20like%20you're%20thinking%20on%20paper%20and%20writing%20what%20doesn't%20need%20to%20be%20written.%20Consider,%20Because%20this%20issue%20may%20have%20caught%20your%20attention,%20I%20would%20like%20to%20explain...%20or%20something%20similiar">I'm not sure if you are aware of this at all</a>, but I was suspended for five days in the first semester of my junior year for possession of a knife. In actuality, the knife was part of a Swiss army knife from the local dollar store. Shortly before my suspension, my group made a very large exhibit <a href="unnecessary...%20colleges%20don't%20want%20to%20take%20time%20to%20read%20things%20they%20don't%20need%20to%20read">about Charlie Parker</a> and it was on display in the school library. I carried several supplies such as super glue, X-acto blades, and the <a href="not%20necessary.%20Colleges%20don't%20like%20lengthy%20without%20reason-%20cut%20words%20where%20you%20can,%20such%20as%20here.%20Aforementioned%20only%20needs%20to%20be%20written%20when%20a%20different%20issue%20has%20been%20discussed%20and%20a%20return%20to%20this%20issue%20is%20being%20made%20and%20may%20cause%20confusion">aforementioned</a> Swiss army knife <a href="Again,%20length.%20These%20can%20be%20combined%20into%20one%20more%20crisp,%20less%20distracting%20sentence">just in case our project was in need of emergency repairs. Someone had vandalized it before in the library.</a>.I was caught with the knife in my history class, where I was cutting out comic strips with the scissor attachment of the Swiss army knife. When I was searched more thoroughly in the deans office, they found the X-acto blades in my backpack. (Paragraph break)</p>
<p>To this day I disagree with the very harsh punishment (my school follows a zero-tolerance policy on weapons), but I now understand that my school had an obligation to protect its students from potential harm and I gained more respect for school rules. (If you still disagree with the punishment, then you don't (seem to) in fact realize what you claim to now. Consider changing this to something similiar to, While I was inclined at first to view this punishment as unnecessarily harsh, I was soon able to see that it was necessary to enact strict zero-tolerance rules in the interest of student safety.) This suspension took me out for an entire school week (confusing and borderline colloquial with "took me out": consider Forced me to miss school for an entire week... school week is redundant) [and was a large reason for my GPA drop for that semester because many of my teachers counted my absences as unexcused and this I got reduced marks on my make-up work and some teachers just gave me zeroes for the assignments] Big run-on. Try: Because suspended students are not permitted to make up missed work, my GPA for the semester suffered greatly).</p>
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[quote]
What are you doing bringing a knife to school period? Have some common sense and don't even THINK about bringing incriminating crap to school.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I've got to agree with llpitch here. Schools have zero tolerance policies for a reason, although they are ridiculously strict.</p>
<p>But as you cannot, in fact, go into your time machine, my suggestion echos a few others- make sure that letter to the adcoms is pretty succint... they probably don't want some another page to read.</p>
<p>I was in a similar situation (airsoft gun and a Rube Goldberg project) and got 26 days my frosh year. I put in a personal message saying, "Hey I'm stupid, I get it, but I'm not a threat" essentially, then my assistant principal sent a letter saying how awesome I am, and how it was only because of the zero-tolerance anything happened.</p>
<p>So yeah, it sucks, you hope it doesn't screw you over, but move on and work with it.</p>
<p>I would leave out the part about your punishment being unfair. If your reader is a huge supporter of zero tolerance, then they may see you as a kid who didn't learn his lesson. You don't have to say you agree with the punishment, just don't tell your opinion one way or the other so that you don't offend anyone.</p>
<p>I am very grateful that you have taken the time to look over my application and I hope you see a student worthy of admission to your university. I would like to take this opportunity elaborate on a few things.</p>
<p>Because this issue may have caught your attention, I would like to explain the drop in my GPA during the first semester of my junior year. I was suspended for five days during that semester for possession of a “weapon”. In actuality, the blade was part of a Swiss army knife from the local dollar store. Shortly before my suspension, my group made a very large exhibit on display in the school library. I carried several supplies such as super glue, X-acto blades, and the Swiss army knife for emergency repairs. (Our project had been vandalized a day before the incident.) A dean of the school saw the knife in history class and I was soon suspended. The suspension forced me to miss out on an entire week of school, and because suspended students are not permitted to make up missed work, my GPA for the semester suffered greatly.</p>
<p>While I was inclined at first to view this punishment as unnecessarily harsh, I was soon able to see that it was necessary to enact strict zero-tolerance rules in the interest of student safety, especially in the wake of tragedies such as Columbine and Virginia Tech. School’s simply cannot afford to take chances with matters like these. Bringing the knife to school was a foolish decision, and I have definitely gained much more respect for rules and the administration.</p>
<p>I would edit out the "because this may have caught your attention" It sounds like you are telling them only because they found out and not because you thought it was something important to mention.</p>
<p>Since your spelling/grammar needs to be perfect, I'll mention that it should be "Schools" and not "School's" in the last sentence before the close.</p>
<p>This is a business letter, so you must treat it like one. "Hello Admissions Committee!" has got to go. Use a proper salutation. I'm not sure what to use, but you can research it. You cannot afford to sound like a wise-axx ever, at all, in this letter. Also the VTech shootings must have occurred after your suspension, so better to use a different example. My suggestions follow, but do follow your own instincts, and if you use any of mine, proofread it, as I'm sure it is not perfect.</p>
<p>Dear xixix,</p>
<p>Thank you for taking the time to look over my application and I hope you see me as a student worthy of admission to your university. I would like to take this opportunity elaborate on a situation that occured at the beginning of my junior year. </p>
<p>In the process of working on a salkdsfjas project, I used the scissors tool (was it the scissors?) of a small (was it small?) Swiss Army knife to aldkjflsakf. Because my school has zero tolerance policy regarding objects that could conceivably be used as weapons, and although that was clearly not my intention, I was suspended for five days. This lapse in judgement on my part led to a decrease in my GPA for that year, which of course carried over to my overall GPA. It also led to a great deal of self examination.</p>
<p>While I was initially inclined to view this punishment as unnecessarily harsh, I came to see the necessity of zero-tolerance rules in the interest of student safety. In the wake of tragedies such as Columbine and xxxxx, schools cannot afford to take chances. Needless to say, I regret my actions deeply. </p>
<p>The weakness in my and your letter is the "decision to bring the knife to school." It brings up the "why DID you decide to bring it" question. Not sure how to handle this.</p>