I have been studying for my certification exam for about a year. I passed on the first try! I was very difficult and it brought something out of me that I never thought I would do. The test was 200 questions and it was graded on a pass or fail (no A/B/C grading scale). I literally got stuck on these two questions. I’m so mad at myself because I practiced these same two questions an hour before the exam. I literally wrote out the equations and converted all of the numbers as well. I wasn’t getting what I wanted to get so I turned to my phone to see what I was doing wrong. I literally got so mad because I didn’t have to do what I did. I felt that if I could have figured the questions out with the phone. I literally had no malice in my heart to cheat on that exam going in! I purposely left my phone/wallet in my car on purpose. I only went back for them because I was afraid someone would break into my car and take my things (not the safest neighborhood I was in). I ended up seeing my score when I finished and it turns out I could have just got those two wrong and still passed. I have been very disturbed ever since that day. I just want to take the test again to prove that I can answer those two questions without any guidance. I feel that I didn’t earn it and my passing is not legit. It’s like a built this certification up to this mythical being that would solve all financial problems but it hasn’t. And I feel even more bad because of that. Not even going to try to rationalize my actions.
I have talked to my former professor and therapist. They both told me to don’t say anything and that I’ve earned it. My professor said “you don’t ever think if you don’t know something, you’ll never look it up on the job?”. I get what he’s saying but I just don’t ever want to have to cheat to get something that I value. I hate myself everyday for what I did. My professor told me that I need to start using my IEP accommodations but I still feel like it wouldn’t have helped with my anxiety. Everybody always empathized how hard I studied and work for this but I can’t celebrate this accomplishment ever. Some people say I’m being to hard on myself. I don’t know what to do at this point.