Take a gap year and join Americorps or something.
Reread your posts here, OP. You’ve put yourself under huge pressure, selling it to yourself as you’re not “average,” have bigger dreams. You say you’re a perfectionist and we see you paying that cost. You would have benefited from counseling before the 11th hour deadline to decide.
I took time off. More because college wasn’t making sense. But if you can, do it as a leave of absence, so the door remains open. And use the time wisely, both to work on yourself/the perfectionism and its burdens and to catch up in your studies.
I returned after a semester, was fortunate to discover my acafemic passion then. All major decisions have risks.
We’re all average, in ways. It helps to learn to accept that, then pick the few key areas where and how you want to excel. As we grow, we even develop respect for those others, how their work , their endurance, even their “good” benefits them…and us.
But even among high strivers, perfectionism is a heavy load.
You could stay, change to an easier major, continue to take a few STEM courses. Make the best decision you can, then don’t fault yourself.
I can see where you’re coming from. Going to school full time while working 60 hours is not easy. In fact, it’s probably not healthy at all. This is going to break you if you keep doing this. You need to either cut your work hours or lighten your course load. If not, you’re going to end up in a hospital. College is about priorities. Maybe what you need is a semester off. Then go back into school part time. You have a job, which is good.
For Americorps and similar, the deadlines are past. But during a break, I agree it’s good to do something for others, gain perspective, and feel the good from climbing out of your own head, so to say. There’s value, imo, in doing hard work that benefits others. It can be its own success lesson, without the pressures of perfectionism.
I am not certain, but I think that loan payments do not start when you are on an approved leave of absence but six months after you stop. HOWEVER, I would check that out with the financial aid office asap. They can tell you what the correct story is. If they continue to defer during a leave of absence, take that year, work to earn money to live AND to pay the loans back and really think about what you want to do.
Also, are you at the right school? You talk about hating classes with 300 students and not fitting in but you are at what I have always heard is a gigantic, sports rah rah, frat school. If you take a break now, while you have a 3.2, you could think about a transfer to a different school. Plus, if your family isn’t helping you, your school is VERY expensive. I didn’t even let my own kids apply there because there was no way we could pay for it.
Another thought, maybe try some career counseling or testing to see if there is anything else you might want to do as a career or a job. Last thought, maybe try some counseling with someone who specializes in young adults.
Good luck.
Perfect is the enemy of Done.
If you spend too much thinking about being perfect, consider talking to a psychologist. Perhaps there is some OCD type thing going on.
Thanks for the responses.
@lookingforward I know, my perfectionism is unhealthy. I’ve known that for a while, but have no idea how to change it. My mind has always told me that if I can’t do something to near perfection, retreat and don’t do it at all. There are definitely times where that is unhealthy, but when it comes to my situation today, I really can’t go on, because I would fail these classes.
@techmom99 I will talk to the office today to find out whether a leave of absence is right for me and whether the loan repayments would kick in or not.
And now, yeah, I realize that perhaps Penn State wasn’t right for me. I only applied to two colleges after high school because no one in my family knew anything about college and I was afraid to take the next step in my life, honestly. I thought that Penn State was an affordable public school, and I started at my local branch. But after being here 3 years, I realize it’s not that affordable because only around 50% of student tuition is covered on average.
I’m in a bad financial situation and that makes this entire thing so much worse. Federal loans didn’t even cover all my tuition so I’ve had to take out a few Sallie Mae loans, too. And now I came out here to main campus, got my own apartment, and have to pay $680 a month of my own money that I only have in my bank account because I worked at my job for the past 5 years and saved it up.
I don’t understand how so many other students are doing it. They must either have family help or more government help. I seem to fall in that range where I get not much of either.
So, I would definitely consider other schools that might be better for my learning styles. But right now…today…I need to decide what to do.
I can either
- Drop my classes and add one easy online course just to stay enrolled
- Take a leave of absence, return home, work, and come up with a new plan
So I talked to academic and financial aid advisers today. Went well.
Adviser told me that I should be proud of myself for recognizing that I don’t feel comfortable with my classes right now and for realizing that stepping away for a while could help me. She told me I can simply drop all my classes before Saturday with no penalty (the regular course drop deadline is Saturday night) and then proceed to “withdraw.” This will cancel everything for this semester, including tuition, for which I be will refunded most of (they calculate the exact # of days I had class and only keep that much). I could sign up for an easy online course in order to stay enrolled if I chose, but there really is no benefit to me doing that, and I’d still be below full time. So I might as well just drop them all and withdraw entirely.
If I decide to return to Penn State in the future, I can re-enroll at any time, and would have no issues doing so because I am in good academic standing.
The federal and private student loans I have likely all carry a 6-month period until they start requiring repayment, but the financial aid office said if I enroll in any academic institution within those 6 months, they should go back into deferment. And if not, if I am financially unable to start repaying them and then proceed to enroll in an institution within 9-12 months from now, that I should contact the loan companies and they may work with me. (The summer semester may not be counted in this timeline since students don’t typically have to take classes in the summer).
So really, it’s more straightforward than I thought. There’s a lot of scary things about it. But I really know that I need some time off to reevaluate everything, so I plan to go ahead with the withdraw.
Unfortunately, I already signed my lease to stay in my apartment for next school year (2018-2019), but I’ve head of people being allowed to cancel their leases if they demonstrate that they are unable to fulfill it, especially if it’s this far out from when the lease begins. So I will contact them and see if they will allow me to cancel.
Through the ups and downs, I always intended to stick it out and graduate from Penn State. Also, I was scared to look elsewhere and just accepted where I was. But now I know a lot more, am a lot more mature, and realize how unaffordable it is for me, and also because it’s so huge and I don’t feel engaged in what I’m doing. So my plan is to spend the next few months determining what to do. I will likely take some classes at my local community college, for which I may not end up having to pay anything, for a semester or two. And then look at other 4-year colleges that have my major, are more affordable, and better suit my learning styles.
@bopper I’ve felt like I always had some level of OCD, but probably not diagnosable. However, my mental habits at times have caused me to live my life in a way that ends up causing me distress and anxiety and unhappiness. I’m not sure if that’s a diagnosable condition, though. I may just have to work on my ways.
Have you tried using CAPS at Penn State? They can see students on an emergency basis. I’m not sure if I could post the link but just google it. I know a few students who used them and had great success
I’m sorry you are going through all of this. Penn State is expensive and can be a hard school to pay for without your parent’s help. I think what a lot of PSU students don’t know is that many of the hard weed out classes can be taken at a community college. I know Calc 1 and 2 are in that category. It really helps salvage your gpa. There is a great transfer tool you can use on lionpath to see what schools near you offer equivalent courses.
Also, if you need help paying for food, Penn State does have a pantry. You can go there for help. I am part of another group that just helped fund $8,000 for some of their necessities. Look up Penn State Lion’s Pantry.
Good luck to you!
The kids I know in your situation wait until they are 24, when financial aid is based on their own income and assets, not those of their parents. There are adult learner, continuing ed, extension, low residency and online programs that will allow you to finish a degree with one or two classes at a time (two for financial aid) while you work. And community colleges are great too- lots of support and you can get gen eds done.
If you have been a good worker, I would try to use that experience, and recommendations, to try out some jobs that are more satisfying in the meantime- and better paid.
There are many ways to follow a passion. It does not have to be in school or for your degree. It can be a hobby, you can take classes forever, you can read, you can volunteer. If you really want to be involved with work in NASA or the like, the military might be a way to go.
I think you need awhile out of school. Getting a counselor who can sort out goals would be a good idea too.
One of mine had a similar story and is doing fine now, a few years later.
You have major debt already. I think the main thing, along with preserving your transcript from W’s and bad grades, is to avoid more debt. It will hang on your neck for years. So yes, step out, and things will get better - I promise!
@japsmom I actually scheduled a phone appointment with CAPS, but cancelled it after I determined most of my worry is due to academic and financial concerns, not necessarily mental or psychological problems. Yeah I’m stressed and have anxiety, but it’s never really gone beyond what I can’t handle myself within a few days. I’ll keep it in mind if I need future help.
I just hate the college financial system too as a whole. I live only with my mom, so I have to report her info on the FAFSA. But she doesn’t make enough to help me. She has a solid middle class job, but all her money goes to her own necessities including paying the mortgage on the house. Since my dad moved out a few years ago, it’s been really tough for her to handle everything. I mean, technically she does help me because she pays the cell phone bill, all my insurance, etc. But I mean she has no money to give me for college tuition.
So factually speaking, I’m almost independent. But I’m not allowed to say that on the FAFSA until I’m 24. So that results in me getting less aid too since they think my mom is able to help me.
If I could do it over again, I would absolutely make a college choice that is better for me financially. I learned the hard way, not understanding that stuff at the time. But I figure I can step away now and get on a better path, rather than continue to chug along while accomplishing nothing and going deeper and deeper into debt.
And maybe I’ll decide, during my break, that I want to major in something else entirely. I have a friend here who was going to major in a science too but determined it was too difficult for him and he switched to IST/SRA, which he ended up liking and doing great in.
One of the toughest parts is going to be explaining all this to my family, simply because I’m a very reserved person and don’t like to talk about things much. They will be worried initially, but they love me and know what I’m capable of. I’m not giving up, I’m not dropping out for good. I’m not a bum. My GPA is 3.2; that’s decent. There are a lot of people doing much worse than me academically. But I’m aware enough to know that I’m not retaining/mastering material like I know I have to. The actual grades don’t matter as much as feeling like I understand what I’m doing.
I have dreams and goals, but I need to change the situation I’m in and reevaluate my future plans. I will absolutely return to college; but I want to do so with a firm plan that I’m confident in.
@comp100 Any idea where I can talk to a “counselor”?
I feel like what I really need is a general life counselor because now, if I step away, my future could involve so many different possible institutions or options, so it’s not like I can go to one institution’s office per say.
On another note, I’ve taken all my gen eds here at Penn State. They’re all done. So I would hope that, down the line, if I choose to go to another college to get a bachelor’s, that they would transfer, so that way I can just focus on core classes.
I think you should take a break and perhaps work full time and maybe move into a house with other young adults because as you have said, you spend so much time by yourself.
I’m concerned that the graduate school plans may never come to fruition (especially with funding) given your grades and your slow progress.
You might work full time and take one class (calc 2) at night. Did you know that you sometimes can get a discount on tuition if you work at a university full time or even 30 hours a week? Finally I suggest there are other ways you can work in space studies such as in public policy or writing that won’t necessarily involve a science degree.
I always say, and another poster did here, I think: find a counselor who specializes with the college age group. Trust us. Many of those deal with kids not realizing their full potential. A psychiatrist can deal with your feelings, planning, diagnose any issue and prescribe, if needed. This did my D so much good.
“…but it’s never really gone beyond what I can’t handle myself within a few days.” One of the signs is sometimes this “I can handle it” idea, especially with a perfectionist. It’s ok to need help getting your wheels back on track.
And do try to find a way to volunteer while out of school.
Stay in touch.
Adding, sometimes the best way to find a good counselor for college age kids is through the college. Get in touch with your school center now and ask. You’d be a private patient on your insurance. If the first one isn’t a fit, try another.
@CheddarcheeseMN The Astronomy professor who looked at my grades this week (albeit before I decided to consider withdrawing) said that I look fine for a graduate program. Maybe not at Penn State, which is incredibly selective, but he said there are tons of schools out there, many that accept more students into the program than PSU does, and that the program would be completely funded, and I may even get paid to do research,
But that’s too far in the future right now; like I said, if I take this break, I’m going to look at all majors again and see what I truly want to do.
The only thing that I’m really questioning is…I do like Penn State for the most part.
Yeah, it’s a very big “sports” “party” school, but I’ve found a group of people who are not into that culture and that’s good. And I feel comfortable on campus for the most part. I’m an active part of a few clubs now. And leaving all this feels scary.
But perhaps that’s just another mental struggle I’m facing. Having a few cool friends and “liking” your campus aren’t really that important of things compared to finances and your academic path. Deep down I know that, but it’s hard to accept.
There are benefits to being here. I enjoy being around more people, whereas at my home with mom, we live in a rural area, and I hate the quietness. And here, I don’t have to drive nearly as far to the store or the gym, which saves gas.
But on the other side of the equation, there’s the financial issues. I thought I would be fine, but it’s just hard to say. This is getting into personal details now, but I don’t mind sharing them:
9 months ago I had over $15,000 in my own bank account of my OWN money. Not bad for a 20 year old. Today, I have $4,000. All of that has gone to paying my rent for my apartment every month, other school fees, food, gas, textbooks, etc.
Last month I renewed my apartment lease for next school year (2018-2019) because I assumed I would be staying. But just calculate that…$680/month, for a 12-month lease = over $8,000. I recently learned that I CAN take out private Sallie Mae loans to pay for that so I don’t use up all of my own money, but that’s just more debt I put myself in for the future. This doesn’t feel right.
It just sucks so bad. I worked hard the last few years to make that money of my own; saved it all up. And it’s almost all gone already, used for only things that I needed to pay for.
I’m just spiraling out of control in my head trying to figure the future out. As much as I don’t want to go back home, it looks like I’m going to have to, and see if I can either cancel my lease or get someone to take it over. That way I can work, make money again, and take community college classes (and maybe not have to pay anything at all there).
Taking a break away is definitely going to have to happen. I don’t know for how long. I need to reset and more importantly, work on myself and get my mindset right.
The other worry I have is about my gen eds. I have completed them all here at Penn State. If I end up transferring to another college, will they transfer? They better, because otherwise I went $60,000 into debt for literally no reason at all, which would be horrific.
Yes, the gen eds will transfer. Maybe not every single credit will be useful ( ex. Some schools require a public speaking or ethnic studies course and some don’t) but most will.