Idea for common app essay - advice appreciated

College Essays
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<p>I'm planning for my common application essay, and I would like to do something creative. I came up with a basic theme/structure/narrative/whatever, but I'm not sure it would be appropriate. Perhaps you guys could offer some input. </p>

<p>My intended majors are philosophy and filmmaking, and I see them as two sides to the same coin. Long story short, a family death lead to my eventual interest in philosophy, and I figure this might make for good essay material. I also had this nightmare I've been wanting to capture in prose for a while, and I may or may not want to smuggle it in here. Here's what I was thinking.</p>

<p>The essay will follow two separate threads: a naturalistic, matter-of-fact, somewhat jagged narrative following the day my grandfather died. The day he died, I was at the mall with my mom and friend shopping for clothes for a new school year, and it was a sort of detached and selfish day upon reflection. The merrymaking chanced upon a phone call, and before I knew it, we were on our way to the hospital. I could follow this story in the essay, with each paragraph of the narrative beginning with the time (e.g., "Three o'clock. The phone rings.") and then moving the story along.</p>

<p>In between these paragraphs I can include present day reflection. I can explain how, as a religious individual, this death caused me to seek guidance in scripture; this, in turn, opened the doors to philosophical thinking and a fascination with knowledge.</p>

<p>Then maybe somewhere in here I can randomly interject the dream, link it to my grandfather's death, and draw an analogy between this dream and the desires of an artist or filmmaker (e.g., to make real an image that yearns for actualization or something like that).</p>

<p>As a whole, the essay would follow a sort of structure like this:</p>

<p>A) Death narrative. Fast-paced writing style.</p>

<p>B) Present day reflection. Lyrical writing style.</p>

<p>C) Death narrative continued. </p>

<p>etc.</p>

<p>D) Dream</p>

<p>E) Explanation (where I tie it together)</p>

<p>The essay should ultimately present a personal reflection on the importance of philosophy and art to my life. Hopefully I'll be able to adequately explain with what little space I have left why an education is significant to the next stage in my life. </p>

<p>What could elevate this essay above the typical "boohoo, someone died, now I want to revolutionize the world" sort of essay is the storytelling, but I'm afraid it could be a bit too out there for app reviewers.</p>

<p>What do you guys think? Could this be a good starting point? Any input?</p>

<p>P.S. Though elements to this have been floating around in my head for a while now, I basically thought this up today, so it needs a bunch of working out. But I'm just looking for some general input, suggestions, or ideas based on the rough idea - before I start trying to write it.</p>

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<p>Anyone have any input?</p>

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<p>Roll with it! It sounds quite compelling. Deadline is coming thought isnt it? This sounds tough to write so start writing! Good luck.</p>

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<p>Here’s a free write I did quite quickly (drawing on bits and pieces of written material I had sitting around over the course of months). This should be the basic structure. However, I had a hard time ending it (that probably needs the most work), and I’m not sure if this is specific enough for the common application. Before I start sculpting this into a new image, any initial advice or impressions? Here it is:</p>

<p>I awoke from a dream. It was my grandparents’ house—and nowhere. Then, an animal—a small dog—came into view. Its head propped up through the hole, its body not visible. A blade moved in the direction of its neck with no origin but with intent just as much. Then weightlessness. Crinkling of wallpaper, dull brown like some long-abandoned lodge. Water began to leak through the walls and in the room it began to rain, plaster slowly following behind; falling in distorted chunks to the dampening floor, falling again one after another. </p>

<p>2:30 P.M. We walk the crowded mall. School is soon to arrive, so we repeat the ritual: new clothing, new shoes, new backpacks. I try on a new jacket. </p>

<p>Since childhood, my life was ruled by arbitrariness and fear. I followed the moral codes of my parents not because I understood their significance but because I feared their damnation. God was close to my mind—so it seemed—but far from my heart. I hadn’t opened a Bible with dedicated eyes, yet I lived my life by its supposed edicts. </p>

<p>3:00 P.M. We walk to another store: there is still much left to do. Then the phone rings. She answers it in indifference but responds in trepidation. This is it: he is dying.</p>

<p>I don’t remember the news of his cancer. The memory has become a myth for me and its meaning—kneaded like dough with the passage of time—overshadows the details. But I remember its effects. I yearned for God’s salvation—for a healing—but I felt unworthy. For the first time in my life, I opened a Bible. Yet, this turn to religion yielded an experience of words much more than an experience of God. I discovered the intellectual tradition of my religious roots, and—still in faith—I began questioning some of my beliefs. I developed a thirst for knowledge.</p>

<p>3:20 P.M. Trees rapidly fade from the window’s view. Fallen leaves rustle across the sides of the road, painting the landscape with colors of yellow and red. Another mile marker passes. I divert my gaze and catch glimpses of barren limbs in the passenger mirror, and I follow them until they fade into the horizon. We reach an intersection and come to a stop. Left and right. The trees are now motionless and silent. It has been months at this point. The car resumes motion. I again divert my gaze to the window and continue to trace the history of the trees. Through elapsed time, the car makes a turn, and a curve of warped trees passes through the mirror.</p>

<p>The Bible became a fountainhead for new possibilities. Soon I discovered philosophy and realized that this method provided the best tools for probing life’s questions. I realized what I wanted out of life, and I recognized education as the first step toward a continual and evolving goal. </p>

<p>3:30 P.M. The room is sterile and dreary. It smells like bleach mingled with latex. I watch liquid drip into the chamber. I hear the music of illness: beeps indicate a transient stability. The liquid continues to drip like sand in an hourglass, the precise hour not yet known but its end never far from mind. I try to divert my gaze from the parched individual in the bed: he longs for water, but he can only manage ice-chips. Another drop of liquid descends. It fell from his forehead. </p>

<p>I once awoke from a dream. I do not know what it means; perhaps it means nothing. But it has an unusual affinity with the loss of my grandfather to cancer—a loss which in a dark irony signaled a new beginning for my own life. Yet, the general feeling of loss serves as a fitting analogue to my eventual departure from faith. However, for me, the dream signifies a new direction in my life—one which has enriched my original goals and shaped my educational plans. The dream embodies images that haunt me and long for some sort of realization. Now I recognize the experiential is just as important to knowledge as the propositional, and art is one of the most splendid manifestations of this. Film, for instance, carries the potential to replicate life as a reflection and as a dream. </p>

<p>That’s what life is for me: a blurry reflection, a dream. I move through the fog in search for new knowledge, but all the way I desire to recreate a dream—my past, my future, and life as I perceive it.</p>

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<p>love it. Good Job! I would love to see the final. </p>

<p>Does it answer the question?</p>

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<p>It’s not really a personal statement essay for the CA. Is it for a prompt which asks for a creative writing sample? Please run this by your GC. It’s well written and somewhat profound. But…</p>

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<p>The CommonApp essay can be on any subject. I don’t think this topic would be problematic.</p>

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<p>The common ap writing prompt is pretty generic:</p>

<p>"Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.</p>

<p>Note: The Common Application essay should be the same for all colleges. Members that wish to review custom essay responses will request them on their Supplement form."</p>

<p>I’m hoping my essay won’t be too “out there” for the purposes of this prompt. It’s a fine line between creativity and pretentious - and I often have trouble judging on which side I fall.</p>

<p>I showed my essay to a friend of mine and he responded: “You can barely tell you want to major in philosophy. You didn’t mention anything about your fields of interests or anything like that.” Maybe he’s right, but it sounds like he’s viewing this essay as a post-grad essay rather than an undergrad essay. I’m not sure the guys reading the aps want to hear a detailed summation of what I plan to do in philosophy (or filmmaking); I would think they are looking for a more “heart of the issue” approach that gets at why I want to do what I want to do. Plus, it’d be hard to get really detailed when I plan to pursue two degrees. </p>

<p>Maybe you guys can speak to this complaint?</p>

<p>Anyways, I’ve read it over a few times now, and each time I haven’t found much to alter (maybe a word here, a sentence there, but nothing major). However, here are a few things I’m wondering about.</p>

<p>First, I wonder if the sort of “A-B-A-B” rhythm becomes a bit gimmicky and predictable by the time the essay is about halfway through. Maybe I should try to mix it up a little bit?</p>

<p>Second, some paragraphs feel either superfluous, barren, or both. I think I need to work at making sure each word counts or that each paragraph builds upon a previous or overall theme or image.</p>

<p>Third, it sounds like I might want to unwind the two main threads of the essay and work on them individually at first. For example, take the main “narrative” and write it as a self-contained piece. Then I can go back and work on having the two threads flow together.</p>

<p>Fourth, maybe I could get a little more specific about my plans for a degree.</p>

<p>Fifth, I wonder if it might be better to remove some of the first-person reflections on the past and religion. Instead, perhaps I can reveal these details more subtly through images and third person narration. I feel really preachy by saying how I viewed religion; perhaps I would be better off trying to hint at this instead of actually saying it - you know, show rather than tell.</p>

<p>Anyone else have any ideas? Right now I feel a bit overwhelmed. I have ideas to fix it, but I don’t really know where to start.</p>

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<p>btw, @lookingforward: I attend a community college and–to be brutally honest–my GC is next to useless. I have an English teacher who is really helpful, so I plan to send it to him. I already sent him the rough draft.</p>

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<p>It wasn’t clear you are applying as a transfer student.
Don’t know where you are applying. Don’t know your stats and etc.</p>

<p>The core of the CA shows those stats and experiences. The essays are a chance to focus on something more- strengths, what inspires you and how you operate. (As well as how you think and your writing skills.) While it’s true an applicant can often choose to write anything the he/she wants, adcoms are charged with identifying kids who will fit and thrive, academically and socially, at this university. Have you shown this? </p>

<p>Is it the appropriate essay for an adcom? I’ve read essays- and I am torn. It may depend on the schools you’re interested in. For now, I’d say, take a hard look at the qualities sought by your target schools. Good luck. Clearly you’re smart- and bold.</p>

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<p>I’m still trying to decide where to apply, but NYU is one of my top choices. But if I’m applying to multiple (and perhaps differing schools), and the Common Ap prompt is supposed to be generic for all of them, how exactly does the school selection matter here? </p>

<p>Thanks for the compliment.</p>

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<p>By the way, guys, I read some “how to write college essay” advice websites, and now I’m starting to think my rough draft above is a bit too experimental for an application essay. I just took the heart of the essay and re-wrote it in a more straight forward (and probably more honest and less assaulting) way.</p>

<p>I’m still looking for advice, but I’m a bit afraid to keep posting these things for all to see on the Internet. If anyone would like to offer me continued advice, please email me: <a href="mailto:zblaesi@comcast.net">zblaesi@comcast.net</a> I’ll offer my input on any writing samples you guys need to complete.</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

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<p>Still trying to decide? You are a Junior?</p>

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<p><a href=“https://www.commonapp.org/commonapp/docs/alternateversiontechnologyfaq.pdf[/url]”>https://www.commonapp.org/commonapp/docs/alternateversiontechnologyfaq.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>There is a way to revise- the keyword is “replicate.” I am not sure if there are any pitfalls.</p>

<p>Do not post your essay anywhere.</p>

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<p>Too bad I can’t edit my post.</p>

<p>Imontoya: I will be graduating from community college with an A.S.</p>