<p>Who cares whether or not your friends let their sons in the kitchen, if you had a son would you play by the same rules? She should learn because everyone should learn to be self sufficient and home cooking beats eating out every day anytime, as does the pride and satisfaction from being able to cook and feed oneself. Sure it is nice to eat out and have that luxury but knowing how to cook, even the basics, is something everyone should know male or female. I have a son and I have 2 girls - my son actually cooks more than my girls and he’s the youngest because that is where his interests are but my girls could survive on their own and slowly are adding to their skills. With each new item they cook or bake they gain more pride and confidence which I feel is a great lesson for them. So don’t worry or get upset about what anyone else is doing but prepare your daughter and if you had a son I’d be saying the exact same thing.</p>
<p>I totally agree with Momof10of13of15. Just because other people have ridiculous opinions about boys cooking doesn’t mean you have to let it influence you in any way.</p>
<p>"I always get furious because most of my friends won’t let their boys of DD age go into kitchen. "
Oh good grief!! And you wonder WHY your DD hasn’t learned how to cook?? You are giving her psychologically mixed messages about being in the kitchen!! You want her to cook but you don’t think she should have to??? No wonder she would rather eat out!</p>
<p>This isn’t a gender issue. Everyone needs to know basic life skills such as the ability to create simple and nutritious meals, stay on budget, personal hygiene, how to pay pills,
how to act appropriately during a job interview, how to clean one’s living space, how to do the laundry, how to call a doctor to make an appointment, etc.</p>
<p>Unless you plan on your daughter spending her life being dependent on others for her basic day to day responsibilities, it’s time to expect her to take responsibility for some of these normal life skills.</p>
<p>Our oldest college son lives in a apartment this year. If he doesn’t cook, he doesn’t eat.
We give him $1000/semester towards his grocery bill. He budgets that and creates his own nutritious simple meals. A lot of his efforts have been trial and error but he is very proud of his newfound cooking skills. His meals consist of a combination of lots of vegetables,
salmon, chicken, small steaks, burgers, eggs, rice, and pasta. He also bought himself a coffeemaker and cut down on his Starbuck’s expense. Believe me, he’s not starving.</p>
<p>His entertainment and personal expenses are on his dime. He works very hard during the summers and academic breaks and earns enough money to buy his college books, gas for the car, and personal and entertainment expenses.</p>
<p>I also don’t get the mixed messages in your posts. You complain that she’s spending too much money, yet you’ve never set a limit. You complain that she doesn’t cook, yet you suggest that it’s sexist to expect her to cook her own meals.</p>
<p>PS–He lives in an apt. with 5 other guys. They all cook their own food.</p>
<p>POIH, is there some tension between you and your wife regarding how much should be given to your daughter? I sense that maybe your wife thinks it should be unlimited (or at least pretty large, with few restraints) and you want to rein it in, but you are afraid of causing trouble and so that’s why you don’t want to explicitly tell her “it’s $750/month and that’s it”?</p>
<p>So you would raise a boy to have no sense of budget limits and no ability to cook? </p>
<p>Would you like your daughter to meet a guy like that?</p>
<p>Momof10of13of15:
I’m not against the cooking as said before both DW and I are quite good cook.
I would like to teach DD how to cook but on her own willingness, that is why I was so in favor of her choosing MIT over Stanford, so that she remain away from DW cooking.
She is trying to learn but I prefer to not impose anything on her specially not because she is a girl.</p>
<p>For reference, I budget by using my credit card and reviewing my statement several times a month. I also am working three jobs, so money isn’t <em>that</em> big of an issue for me, but if I notice I’m spending a lot, I’ll cut it back. I spend an average of $250 on food and about $100 on misc. entertainment per month, but I also cook almost every day. If you’re already paying for the house dining plan, everything that your daughter will buy is half-price, so it makes sense to give her half as much money for food if she’s going to eat there all the time!</p>
<p>It’s definitely an interesting thread and mirrors what you generally find here…that some parents want to give their kids everything they can possibly give and others have fixed boundaries and rules about the kids. The one takeaway that I’m hearing is that it is certainly acceptable for POIH to put a monthly spending limit that he is comfortable with on his daughter and to let her manage from there. My son really disliked the food in the food service at his school freshman year. It upset his stomach and made him ill (so he claimed), it was heavy, greasy food for the most part (improved with the opening of a new cafeteria and new food service.) There was a mandatory highest cost cost for freshman. We did not give him extra money but he managed in his room with a George Foreman and friends off campus with grills. He certainly could have lived on salads and non-heavy/greasy foods if he tried hard enough, but it was his choice. We did not “supplement” that choice with money for groceries. I can also understand other parents who have that position.</p>
<p>PizzaGirl:
</p>
<p>No, DW never bother about talking finances to DD. She gets worried for other reasons.
She always pester her to cook on her own for health reasons. She becomes restless when DD goes out on a concert not because she spent $100 but because she worried whether or not she survive the grueling academics.
She wants me to talk about the finances. But When I think through then I realize that during the same duration DW and I went to two concerts with an average price tag of $200/person. So If DD was here then we would have incurred $400 instead of $100 she spent on the concert.
Hence I didn’t find any reason to talk to her about it.</p>
<p>The key though is she need to learn because she won’t always have your income as the basis of her finances. $100 to a young adult is a larger sum than $200 to someone with an established career and disposable income. It doesn’t matter what you would have paid if she were home, but she needs to know how to budget for her life and her choices and she won’t always have your cash to do that with, although it sounds like you’ll fund her if she gets in a bind.</p>
<p>It actually sounds more like you don’t want her to do or learn anything she doesn’t want to but the best lessons we can give our children as parents are those that enable them to be self-sufficient and often that involves things they may not want to learn or do but again, who loves everything about the day to day life of running a house, cooking, working, cleaning, entertainment, etc.</p>
<p>She’s at a demanding school, I’m sure she’s learning how to budget her time for her classes, give her some credit that she is smart enough to also learn how to budget her finances. You aren’t doing her any service by not talking about finances or setting limits.</p>
<p>Momof10of13of15:
I do understand that DD won’t have the financial backup and will need to understand the process of making a budget.
But I need to first make sure that she is not doing it. Unless I understand what is the right amount required I can’t make out if she is going over board.
It is not that I’ve to fund her entertainments because if I don’t she will fall back on her savings. In both cases she won’t be learning the lessons or she will learn only when she will exhaust her savings.
But I would like to understand prior to that if she is on any kind of budget or not. And to make her understand without confrontation.</p>
<p>I don’t think it ever has to be confrontation based, I just also don’t think you will find the “right amount” either because whatever you give can be the right amount. And like I said, it doesn’t have to be a confrontation, it can simply be “I think it will work better for me to give you $xxx at the beginning of each month for your needs, if you find that isn’t enough, write down all your expenses so we can determine if we need to make a change” and that way if she doesn’t come to you seeking more funds you can assume she’s doing fine (with the caveat that we all know what assume means!) or if she asks for more you can ask that she detail what she spends so you can see whether she is actually budgeting and has valid needs to get an increase or if she is just blowing through the money. And, if she has to dip into her savings to keep up her lifestyle well so be it. The issue is she doesn’t have any skin in the game so she may not know what to do with money. However by setting an allotted amount and leaving it at that you may find she does know what to do and then you’ll know. It seems what you really want right know is to know if she knows how to budget without asking her or having to require it so unless you change your approach you won’t get your answer.</p>
<p>Momof10of13of15:
I’ve thought through all possibilities and with access to her savings and unsecured CC it might not be possible to prevent anything unless it is too late.
What my intentions are to find out if she is operating on any kind of budget or not? For the first semester I was unable to find any anomaly but this semester there have been expenses that she incurred that were self explanatory but exceeded her first semester bar.
So wanted to make sure what should be the bar for the monthly expenses taken over the whole semester ~5 months.</p>
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</p>
<p>I strongly agree with this statement, and also subscribe to this overall philosophy- about money and other tricky things in life. Setting limits work in the short term- but some day your kids will find themselves in a situation where the limits are lifted often to unrealistic levels - and that is how they can end up maxing out on credit cards or buying more house than they need. They have to learn how to spend (and save) money wisely regardless of whether or not there is an actual limit.</p>
<p>I think POIH is handling this issue is a very thoughtful, sensitive and loving way. I also admire his willingness to take good advice given to him despite the often condescending tone in which it is offered to him.</p>
<p>If she’s already exceeding what she spent first semester though, don’t let her determine the amount, set one for her. Can you limit her access to savings and the CC? THe issue seems to be though if she continues as she is now she won’t have the foundation she needs for when she is on her own with her own money and you don’t want to be then when you find out too late. You need to get this established now, while you do have some control, to prevent that. Just because she is spending more doesn’t mean she’s doing it wisely. Is there an amount she’s have to exceed before you’d say that was too much? What if she comes back and says I need $50 a day? More?</p>
<p>POIH:</p>
<p>I learned to cook from my H. He is a few years older than I, and during the first summer after freshman year, he was living on his own in an apartment. He bought himself a cookbook and learned to cook. No gender stereotypes in our family! We taught our Ss some cooking recipes and other kitchen techniques. They regularly come into the kitchen before mealtime to help me cook, and in the process, learn how to cook different dishes. They’re pro at washing up and stacking the dishwasher. While neither likes to cook, they are self-reliant in their respective kitchen.
I think that $20 a day for someone on a meal plan is excessive, but it’s up to you to decide what is appropriate. I would hope that she does not spend $100 on concerts every week or even every month, and that when she does attend a $100 concert, she curtails on some other expense.</p>
<p>vicariousparent: Thanks for the support. I do really believe it is not how much you earn or have but how you spend is the key to successful financial life.</p>
<p>Everything in its time. </p>
<p>We handled DS money needs until he graduated. He just wasn’t ready to take on the full responsibility-we monitored everything through joint accounts. As he progressed in grad school and postgrad internships did he become more aware of his available cashflow. </p>
<p>Now that he is has a good income & positions for the next couple of years, he is spending relatively freely. As #111 says, $200 in college is different from $200 with job. Did I mention that he’s now on the plane to Chile and environs for 14 days, because he can do so without vacation time or pay?</p>
<p>Momof10of13of15:
</p>
<p>There was no limit ever set and the limit I thought in my mind never reached during the first semester, it was way too low. But since her 2 months of second semester came way above the first semester that I thought to bring this out to find what should be a reasonable limit so that I can better track and make sure DD is learning the budget process properly.</p>