Sorry (and THANK YOU!!!) everyone who’s given me their valuable opinions. Not home at the moment, but will be back in a few hours to read through your comments!
@JHS I haven’t had time to read through yours either, but the choice of words that you pointed out (“dumbing down”) was theirs, not mine! They told me specifically, in these exact words, to “dumb it down.”
I mentioned in one of my replies to gibby (or someone else), but I re-read the feedbacks and they were mostly pointing out the slightly long sentences that were overly descriptive, I think. It’s a cross I have to bear as a fiction writer. As for the vocabs, they are completely mine (I’ve used them for years) and none of the readers pointed out the incorrect use of words. Just so there isn’t any misunderstanding! Thank you for your reply, and I’ll get back in a few hours to read your comment. Thank you, thank you!
In the meantime, if there’s anyone who could take a look at my essay and tell me what’s wrong with it, I’d really appreciate it I’ll be back to you as soon as I’ve returned home!
IMO revising isn’t “dumbing it down” as much as “smartening it up.” Writing is rewriting and rewriting again. If you read your essay and ever get the feeling that it’s spinning a little, then it isn’t what it could be.
If you’re in your 20s, you don’t want to come across sounding like a flowery (and spinny) 17 year old.
I’m not sure your natural voice is full of advanced verbiage (as you claim). I can only go by how you’ve written this post. This post is probably your natural voice. Is it not? How does it compare with your essay?
I have read countless essays and the number one piece of advice has been to stop overwriting, pretend you are conversing, be straightforward. Many young people try to be “unique” in their essays, pushing the creative approach when Harvard really just wants to get to know you.
However, in your case, it seems that “being yourself” does involve some embellishments and that is not a case of trying to hard, that simplifying would actually be the greater effort.
I’ll be back to you as soon as I’ve returned home!