In the process of writing the Common App essay - should I dumb it down?

Colleges and Universities A-Z Harvard University
1

Hello,

I’m applying to Harvard this month, and I’ve been frantically running around and asking people to read my essays. I’ve had four readers read my essay and received their thorough feedbacks: while the first two (a current UChicago student and a former editor at one of the Big Five publishers) felt that the crux of my essay was getting lost in extravagant language and told me to “take a page out of Hemingway rather than Fitzgerald,” the other two (a current Columbia student and a current Harvard student) gave just the exact opposite reaction to the lines that the former pair didn’t like, saying the essay was phenomenal and a real treat to read. I really appreciate both perspectives, so I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I keep asking around, or should I just dumb it down a bit?

The problem I have with the idea of “dumbing it down” is that the current version of my essay is exactly the way I normally write. The vocabulary in the essay is completely my own (I didn’t look them up in the dic), and honestly, I think they’re not even advanced vocabulary. They want me to dumb it down so they can see the real me, but the real me is right there for them to see – the real me wrote this essay! But since I love criticism, I can’t get the thought out of my head that I must dumb it down. I’m trying so hard to figure out a way to do this without losing the real me in the essay. So the questions I have are the following:

  1. Should I dumb it down even though that's the way I normally write?
  2. ...and even though I'm applying as an English Lit/Creative Writing major and have nothing else to show off (I'm a writer, even though my writing skills aren't that good to even show off) other than my writing? My extracurriculars (work, internship, volunteer, etc.) are all related to English language and literature, and I'm not much of a "well-rounded" student, so much more of a spike, just a concern. I'm not a traditional high school student, either... so I don't have a solid academic record.
  3. Does Harvard appreciate simple language in essays?
  4. How about that essay about Costco a 17-year-old (if my memory serves correctly) wrote to get into 5 Ivies? Would you say the language of the essay is rather simple, or heavy? It's for my reference, just so I can set up a comparison - especially because I can't post mine here!

Thanks all in advance! :slight_smile:

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  1. Should I dumb it down even though that's the way I normally write?

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I think the big thing is that the vocabulary and the essay itself may be “you”, but it may need to be cut down. If 2/3 of three people liked it, that’s good, but remember that in an admissions office you’re depending on the discretion of two people, maybe 3, 4, 5 at most. From what I can understand, the central idea of the essay may be good, but you may just be adding unnecessary detail or embellishment, which is common of teenage writers and especially in essays; editing and trimming does not necessarily entail dumbing down, and if you can get the same message across in less time you can only improve your essay. This is all extrapolation and speculation without actually seeing the essay, of course.


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…and even though I’m applying as an English Lit/Creative Writing major and have nothing else to show off (I’m a writer, even though my writing skills aren’t that good to even show off) other than my writing? My extracurriculars (work, internship, volunteer, etc.) are all related to English language and literature, and I’m not much of a “well-rounded” student, so much more of a spike, just a concern. I’m not a traditional high school student, either… so I don’t have a solid academic record.

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I’m going to need more detail to really be able to say anything here: the point I think still applies that more concise writing is by no means intrinsically “simpler”, and if your essay is your only venue to impress it’s important to make each word have gravity. What do you mean by “not a solid academic record” and nontraditional student- homeschooled? There are some extra things you could do in that case, but it’ll depend.


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Does Harvard appreciate simple language in essays?
They appreciate whatever is the most genuine, and catering directly to the office beyond some basic editing and consideration of audience is, in the immortal words of the Borg, FUTILE. :stuck_out_tongue:

How about that essay about Costco a 17-year-old (if my memory serves correctly) wrote to get into 5 Ivies? Would you say the language of the essay is rather simple, or heavy? It’s for my reference, just so I can set up a comparison - especially because I can’t post mine here!

[/QUOTE]

Haven’t seen it so I can’t comment, but generally try not to consider and mark against other essays IMO.

3

Instead of thinking “dumb it down” think “Ted Talk.” Your essay should SOUND the way YOU TALK in everyday life, as if you were actually standing in front of an Admissions Committee giving a “Ted Talk.” Think “conversational.”

My first inclination, without even reading your essay, is that your readers thought that it didn’t SOUND like you. It may have sounded like the “academic” you, or the overly “made-up vocabulary” you, but that’s NOT the goal of this exercise. You can’t be there to read your essay in front of the Admissions Committed, so you need to use your own voice. My suggestion, put down your essay, pull out your cell phone, hit the record button, and try talking through your essay from memory and seeing if the words you use talking it through are different than the words you have on paper. If so, I would go with the words you use talking in though.

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@VeckaTmiest

Hello! Thanks so much for the prompt response! I really appreciate it. (I’m actually in my 20s, trying to start college next year :slight_smile: I was mostly homeschooled throughout high school, and then took years off after college.)

The way I write is that I “word-bomb” the blank sheet of paper, polish the rough draft to come up with the first draft, and read through it a few days later to remove all unnecessary details and embellishments. So at first I had about 900 words and have cut it down to 650(ish) words after rewording almost every sentence in order to tell more with less. They specifically pointed out the heavy language, and one of the first two readers told me to “dumb it down” with particular regards to some lines and vocabs, which, ironically, the other two readers loved. I’M JUST SO CONFUSED D: I did write the most genuine piece, but I’m worried that it might not come across as genuine to the admissions officers if my readers are saying the vocab (or the language - they advised me to use shorter, simpler “I-statements”) is too much.

5

Then I would go with your gut (and that of your fellow readers) and completely scrap the approach you have taken and try again for something that is more accessible and genuine. That is what AO’s are gong to respond to!

6

Oh, thanks @gibby, time to have dinner, so I’ll be back within an hour to read your comment! So sorry! (But with a short read-through, my readers were complete strangers who happened to be my friends’ friends, etc., so maybe that’s why they were confused as to whether that was the real me talking or not!) I’ll be right back!

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Conversational approach is best. I’ve been reading some stuff with pretty flowery language, and painstakingly high count in vocab to the point of toxic. Stand out and write in a more straight forward manner. Use some humor if you can. But for Harvard, be interesting.

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@gibby and @preppedparent Thank you so much again for the replies!

Would it be the best idea then to try to rewrite it? I meant that I did think it was the most genuine me talking in the essay, but I can’t prove to the readers or the admissions officers that it’s the way I normally write. I do have all my novels and all (and heck, even birthday cards for my friends!! I used to worry as a teen wanting to fit in that it might freak some people out but they were surprisingly receptive) that are in the same writing style, but I’ve seen (in other threads) many people who strongly advised against submitting writing portfolios/samples… I doubt I can “fake” a new writing style, and that’s seriously stressing me out. :frowning:

I don’t think it’s the more “academic” me since I’ve strongly reiterated in other parts of the application that I’m the opposite of “well-rounded” if that’s what you mean, and as I mentioned, the vocab is completely mine.

I re-read those feedbacks, and while there were lots of words highlighted, I think they mostly want me to write as if I’m talking, as gibby (GARGHH, autocorrection! It’s gibby, not Gabby!!!) and everyone else suggested. That’s what one of the readers actually meant by taking a page out of Hemingway. I actually kept in mind before getting down to write it that I had to make it readable, and that was the result. GOD, I’M HOPELESS. Do you think I should write in simpler “I-statements” as the first readers suggested?

By the way, has anyone of you read the Costco essay? I don’t think mine’s any difficult to digest than hers, in terms of sentence structures and vocabulary.

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I have inconsistent thoughts. Part of me says that simpler writing is generally preferable but another part of me says to be true to who you are. For the latter reason I’d advise that you stick with the essay the way you wrote it. Even if this is a case where @gibby and I might disagree, I’d also recommend you take gibby’s advice very seriously. He knows more about successful essays than I do.

10

If you’re talking about something like philosophy or economics or something geeky with a lot of different ideas in it, it might benefit to just stick to one aspect about that thing. Like if you’re talking about capitalism and individual choice, don’t worry so much about the Fed’s open market securities trading as much as buying your favorite brand of shampoo from your favorite grocery store. Keep your discussion concrete, if you’re introducing a vocabulary word or an idea (economic freedom), bring in a real life way it manifests itself (buying shampoo). And keeping this analogy throughout the essay makes it really understandable. Eg. All the shampoo companies compete to get your business. Try to avoid going into ‘when oil prices rise, plastic prices rise, causing the shampoo bottle to become more expensive’ kind of things (an offshoot of your economic freedom idea) so much as ‘shampoo companies hire graphic design teams to make their shampoo catch your attention and look good’ (that’s focused on the idea of winning your business). hopefully this analogy makes sense, I’m just writing at this point.

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So I guess I haven’t answered whether you should cut down / dumb down or try to keep it the way it is. The way I see it, if you can make it more concrete and understandable then people get it more and the reader gets more of an idea of how the smart sounding things you wrote are actually smart and that you know your way around them.

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@sherpa Thank you! :slight_smile:

@fmasroor My essay is about my phobias and love of writing. I had them slowly converge toward the end. (I hope I haven’t disclosed too much?) But I definitely see your point! That was an interesting read, thank you!! :slight_smile:

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Not sure if this is relevant to the conversation, but do you guys happen to know whom exactly I should ask to read my essay, other than teachers (because I’m an adult applicant), friends, and parents? Strangers or acquaintances?

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Ah alright. If that’s the case, I have confidence and would just say stick with your gut after some edits. Just read it out loud to make sure it all flows but if it works for you, go for it!

15

You should have your recommendation writers read your essay so they can understand how you are presenting yourself to the Admissions committee. This will allow them to reinforce certain aspects of who you are in their LoR’s. Be open to their comments – and take whatever they say to heart as they know you the best. If they think your essay needs more work, or needs to be more conversational, I would listen and heed their advice.

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Stick with one person. Trying to incorporate feedback from multiple readers will drive you crazy (as it seems to be doing now) and result in a weak, watered down, written-by-committee essay. Your Big Five Editor friend sounds like a good choice to help you

The vocab may be a little heavy, but she did it well. For example she writes “as I jettisoned my churro; the cinnamon­sugar rocket gracefully sliced its way through the air while I continued my spree”. So “jettison” is a somewhat heavy word, but perfect for that sentence and the image she creates.

I liked her essay. In very few words It told me she was funny, smart, grounded in family life, well-read and intellectually curious. It also followed the “slice-of-life” pattern that seems to work so well for application essays. Google the squirrel essay from ‘A is for Admission’ and the paint brush essay from the MIT Admissions Blog.

Best of luck with your essay!

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two divergent thoughts:

  1. If you are going to have second thoughts and have conflicting opinions, succeed or fail based on your convictions rather than a finger in the wind.
  2. Could you give us a few of the vocab words in question so we can say offer an opinion? There is a difference in dumbing down and being clear.
18

This is a little off topic, but are you exploring programs for non-traditional students? For example: the Harvard Extension school https://www.extension.harvard.edu/ or Brown’s RUE program https://www.brown.edu/admission/undergraduate/apply/resumed-undergraduate-education-applicants

19

I don’t read a lot of college essays, but when I do read them – and also when I have judged essays for Academic Decathlon, which I used to do – one of the most common flaws I saw was inappropriate, over-elaborate vocabulary. Smart high school students tend to like to show off the words they know, but that doesn’t make for good writing. That’s not to say that good writers can’t make used of elaborate vocabulary (and its first cousin, my personal vice, elaborate syntax). But it’s really hard to do well, and trying to pull it off is a big risk. If you don’t succeed, you get lots of points off. You may get lots of points off even if you do succeed, if a particular reader isn’t paying close enough attention. (If you open James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake, and you know it’s James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake, you are likely to appreciate its musicality and inventive use of language. If you got a random paragraph from Finnegan’s Wake on a single page from a high school student, you might well think double-u tee eff and move quickly on to the next application.)

As for letting you be you: That’s not quite accurate. Of course, the current draft of the essay reflects you and your natural tendencies, because you wrote it. But does it reflect the best you possible, the best you are capable of doing? The best you is the one that starts with your natural tendencies and then edits to make what you wrote better. Probably one edit is good enough for high school, but is it good enough for one of the most important pieces of writing you have ever done? Be you, but be better than your first or second draft!

Two more things. First, it’s a horrible mistake to describe what your readers are suggesting as “dumbing down” your essay. Really, they are asking you to smarten it up. Trust me, it’s much easier to use elaborate vocabulary as a crutch than to hone your writing so that you are conveying complex, nuanced ideas in language that’s clear and easy to understand. The people I know who can do that regularly are people I admire greatly. For all of them, their simple voice takes hard work.

Second: Your original post here is written quite clearly and without elaborate vocabulary. It’s clear you are capable of doing that.

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OP, you should rent the movie “Genius” with Jude Law (Thomas Wolfe) and Colin Firth (Maxwell Perkins).

Wolfe is a “word-bomber” as you put it and Perkins guides him toward trimming the unnecessary.

I would also recommend William Strunk’s Elements of Style - a great little book dedicated to brevity in writing. It will take you an hour to read cover to cover.