@blossom Are you from Philly? I am and I remember how in awe I was when I went to the original Barnes museum which was a house not far from where my parents lived.
Not from Philly but I remember the old Barnes very well. You opened a linen closet and there was a Picasso hanging over some ratty towels!!! Got to say though- the new museum (post lawsuits) is gorgeous!!!
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I havenât been to the new museum but the original was quite amazing. I really enjoyed my visits there.
Just from experience. If you have a relative with dementia of some sort then gather those sentimental objects or those with great value and put them somewhere safe. My grandmother just started to âgive awayâ things to neighbors or care givers. I refrain from saying stolen. My mom never wanted to âtake things away from herâ which I totally understand but way too many things of great value disappeared and it wasnât realized until too late.
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I second this. My mom âlostâ a number of pieces of jewelry, some very sentimental.
I would also suggest looking in every nook and cranny when sorting through possessions before giving things away. I found a diamond studded watch stuffed in a sock in a lingerie drawer. My grandparents hid cash around the house (including taped to the top of the inside of the oven).
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ASK NOW! Where is the âhidden stashâ for lack of a better term. Maybe there isnât one. Or maybe itâs all over in places youâd never know. My aunt (long ago) said itâs in the oatmeal box in a cabinet (all removed now of course since she moved) but so easy to have been thrown out if something had happened to her. Donât make your relatives have to open EVERY envelope to find stuff. At least put a treasure map in with the will. Maybe you donât need a treasure map to your stuff. But the older (than us) generation did. Just saying.
My dad made my sister and I (different towns) write down our own stashes and exchange that info just with at least each other. At first we were hesitant but honestly itâs the best safeguard you have. If you have anything of value around your house or property and itâs not written down somewhere or very apparent as to value then it may never be discovered.
Just adding that dementia isnât the only cause. Your loved one (might be you) could get a stroke, be hospital bound, have a car accident etc. Itâs hard when these things happen and you never expect anything awful. At some point write down your own stuff and tell someone where to find the info even if itâs only a note in the safety deposit box as to where to go find the info.
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We askedâŠ.the response we got was âlook in everything because I hid thingsâ. At that pointâŠthe parent had moved and also couldnât remember anything. Asking didnât help.
Luckily I was the only child of my mother. I found little treasures in very odd places. Gold chains in an envelope. A Diamond pendant in a coin purse. We looked in everythingâŠ.and there were 44 moving boxes of âeverythingâ to look through.
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True! My dad hid cash in books, or so he told me. He had many books. Due to a sudden stroke before affairs were put in order, who knows what may or may not have been given away with the piles of books.
YesâŠ.where I volunteer, we found $500 in a donated book. Have no idea who made the donation. Itâs a charitable place so the money went to the charity. Clearly, the family had no idea money was in the book.
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My dad would get angry when he forgot things. As he aged, this happened more and more and just made him increasingly unpleasant to be around.
High functioning people hide dementia better by adopting coping mechanisms. When they canât compensate enough it all comes crashing down and seems to have happened suddenly when itâs really been a process, often covering a very extended period of time.
My dad had lots of things he thought were âtreasures.â My Sis had her friend who is a professional at appraising valuable items for through their house She sadly said there was nothing of value there, surprising no one.
Mom does have a fairly large safety deposit box stuffed full of jewelry that sheâs never worn and honestly doesnât care about. Some of those items were expensive to acquire and gifts from my dadâs wealthy clients.
We have talked about distributing the items but most of us arenât very interested. It will eventually be done.
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My grandfather had tons of books and I was very certain that heâd hidden cash there. He ended up in the hospital unable to speak and my poor parents spent MONTHS at his home taking care of him and everything else. We begged my parents to come let us help especially after he had died. They were SO tired (canât blame them) that they wanted the all scenario done. But I think with some new eyes and fresh bodies it would have been worth thousands.
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When I travel I hide some jewelry etc., I text photos of hiding places to one another of my kids.
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WellâŠjust remember to take the family jewels out of the hiding places. A former colleague hid all of her and her husbandâs jewelry in her boots. Forgot she did thatâŠand donated the boots to Goodwill.
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Ha, I bought my husband a fairly valuable old map of Alaska when we hadnât been married long. We didnât have money to frame it at the time, so we stuck it behind a cheap print in a frame. When we needed to jettison stuff before moving to Maine, we took that print to Goodwill. That was the end of the map. I hope somebody got a pleasant surprise!
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My patient told me she hid all her jewelry before going into the hospital. She didnât share where it was hidden. I reported all this to her son, after her death. He found her stash on top shelf in garage, with the Christmas ornaments. He was grateful for my hint, or he wouldnât have looked thru everything.
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There is plenty of âwillâ and inheritance wisdom on this page, but having dealt with the loss of 3 parents and a childless aunt (pseudo mother) in the past 2 years, I would suggest the following:
- Throw away the crap youâve collected over a lifetime. Itâs hard enough dealing with value, having to donate your moth-eaten letterman sweater from the 50s is just extra work for your heirs.
- Give items of value to those you want to have them⊠so you can share the experience.
- Donât use your will as a final opportunity for revenge, use it as a final expression of caring and forgiveness.
- Simplify your holdings into a few accounts, donât leave bank or investment accounts open with small holdings âjust in caseâ⊠you wonât need it.
- Empower one person to make decisions, not a committee.
- Explain your wishes while you can. ManyâŠMANY people deal with cognitive issues in the end. Donât wait until itâs too late to document your real intentions, for medical directives as well. Itâs really hard to feel good about signing a DNR if the person never truly agreed.
- For brothers and sisters without heirs, get them to plan. They donât have the same sense of urgency or responsibility on their way out and often create an administrative nightmare for their living relatives.
- Be strategic with taxes. This isnât only for the rich. For example, if you have very high healthcare bills, increase your tax-deferred withdrawals so they are offset by high deductions. Empty the 401(k) and leave post-tax investments alone.
Last thing. If things are happening quickly near the endâŠfocus on the people, not the money. There is very little you can do in the short term to impact finances. Plan early, and spend the time you have left focused on each other, not paperwork.
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My brothers and I discussed our final wishes in terms of medical intervention, but one bachelor brother never weighed in. He had two strokes within a couple weeks just about this time four years ago, and I ended up having to make the final decision about medical intervention after the second stroke. It was horrible, awful, gut wrenching, etc. I donât regret the decisions I made that day, but it was a nightmare to make them in those very frenzied minutes. Adults need to have difficult conversations with their loved ones before things happen.
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That last part about focus on each other not paperwork really got me.
My dad tried his best to wrap up a million loose ends before he left us but what we really wanted was quality time with him I spent half my time saying âquit worryingâweâll figure it out. Leave it to us. Itâll be okay no matter what. It might not be perfect but weâll manage. Now about thatâŠâ(just kidding sort of).
DO get questions answered however. Whereâs the insurance files? Make sure you can get in the safety deposit box. Whereâs the key? Whereâs the money youâve hid? Car title? What subscriptions do you have (that might not be readily apparent). W
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This is exactly what happened to my parentsâ neighbor. Even went one step further when the floozie died and her daughter got it. Kids of original parents did not get one thing from the house, and they lived very near and had to watch their home place go through that. Grrrr