My Batchelor uncle passed recently leaving a good sized estate. About half going to charities Remaining half is distributed among friends and relatives. I am one of his three nieces. We are the only close relatives. We all do well financially with or without the inheritance. I am the youngest. I thought everything is going to charities. I wasn’t expecting anything. I did expect it will be distributed evenly among three of us if there’s something. Except it wasn’t. One cousin got 1 piece, the other got half of that, and I got a 1/8, not even half of the half the other got. It hurts more than I expected. It feels as if I don’t count. Just ranting.
I’m sorry you are feeling badly about this. Family is…well, family. We like to think we are secure in our position within it but we are sometimes caught off guard and it hurts.
I have a great uncle who was a widower, and they didn’t have any children. When he passed, he left everything to his wife’s niece and left out his own sister and nieces and nephews. It wasn’t like he wasn’t sure where it was going, either, because after his wife died, he went to his lawyer and drew up another will, just his so his estate didn’t rely on the one they had written jointly. It reinforced what the original will said but he didn’t want there to be any question about his intentions.
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I know how you feel. My mother passed away having been manipulated by my oldest sister who has robbed a good portion, while one of my brother’s has managed to get my father to say that he is leaving his house just to him. He already has a house! He is also the trustee of the rest of the estate but won’t do anything to resolve what the older sister is doing because he can’t be organized or part with his money for a lawyer. Meanwhile 2 other siblings can’t be bothered and we, the last three have no money for a lawyer and have very demanding family situations.
I’m just disgusted.
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Igloo- hugs to you.
One way to reframe this is to think about the charitable bequests as coming out of 'your share" of the inheritance. Is there a particular organization or cause on the list that resonates with you? If so- thank you for your generosity! Thanks to YOU, your uncle left X dollars to Y cause which will help so many people. Because you are in a position where you don’t need the money (thankfully!), he was able to give your piece of his estate to charity.
You are a philanthropist!
Hugs. This stings- but it would be 100 times worse if you actually needed the money and were in a position to resent the other heirs for the next 20 years…
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I am about to resent the others, trying hard not to. I am definitely resenting the uncle. He is no longer a nice guy. There was no indication of ill will. He was always nice, sending presents when he didn’t have to, etc. I don’t see how I can remember him fondly after this. If you are working on your estate plans, be careful. Money isn’t worth to cause resentment after you are gone. Better be stingy than hurt.
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Maybe there were some things going on “behind the scenes” you were not aware of. Maybe one of the other family members talked to the uncle about some financial difficulties not known to others (we can look “all set” with $ , but can be hiding some real problems). Maybe the others had a history of helping your uncle out with issues in the past you didn’t know about.
It’s all unknown, and probably never known - while I get how you feel and feel slighted, bitterness doesn’t get you far and I also agree it is wonderful that he gave his fair share to charity.
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I can’t decide if it would cause more or less hurt if we knew exactly why people divided their estates the way they do.
For example, if you knew that your uncle did it based on how needy he determined each niece was when he wrote the will (maybe you were the most well off or had the fewest children then), would it make a difference? Or if you knew it was because of how important he felt he was to each of you during life, based on visits and thank you cards received, etc., would that make it hurt less because you knew the reason? Or would it hurt more because he didn’t tell you in life?
I think people are discouraged from putting too much detail into wills to keep people from contesting them based on changed circumstances. But when they don’t provide detail, people can feel hurt.
I am sorry you were one of the hurt people.
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I don’t mind getting less. If I got a quarter rather than 1/8, I’d be ok with it. 1/8 makes no sense. I am not bitter but I’d like to let others know it is not ok. There is no graceful way to do it tho. Don’t worry no plan to contest.
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I’m sorry! I would feel hurt too.
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Remember…the others didn’t write this will. They didn’t make the decisions about who would get what.
Fair doesn’t always mean equal.
I love that your uncle thought of all of you…and his charities.
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@Iglooo - we had a similar situation in our family, except we were the beneficiaries. Possibly your cousin’s had closer relationships with your uncle? In our case, the elderly relative was very kind to our generation, but most of our siblings didn’t really reciprocate or reach out to the elderly relative very often with thank you’s or invitations or just phone conversations. We found out later that the elderly relative found that very hurtful. My spouse and I didn’t do all that much - holiday cards and invitations, a visit when elderly relative’s spouse died during Covid to help them, checking in on the phone once a month - but at the end the elderly relative said we were only people who showed up for them. And we really didn’t do all that much.My heart hurts that I didn’t do more to be honest. My husband is also the executor of the estate which is a lot of work. It is all still a big gift that we appreciate, but…it comes with a lot of work.
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Igloo. Are you financially better off than the other two cousins? (Did ‘unc’ think perhaps that the others needed it more?)
fwiw: I’m the executor of my folk’s estate, and at teh last minute, two sisters were cut out of half of the will so I had the ‘pleasure’ of telling them. I understand how it happened – it was petty, and dad got mad – but still, it sucked for them and me. (One of those two sister’s I’m really close to.) Stuff happens for little reason, and its all out of your control, so let this go.
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No one is saying equal. I am saying 1, 1/2, and 1/4, instead of 1, 1/2, 1/8. 1/8 looks more like a singling out, a bit petty in my book. I liked this uncle. He was looking out for my interest, or so I thought. The lesson is just be careful. It is not worth it. Now, my memory of him is tainted. I wouldn’t be speaking of him fondly as I used to. He tumbled from a generous and gracious uncle to a petty one in my mind. I don’t respect him anymore.
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I have wondered this also. The uncle might have thought this whether it was true or not.
Old people can get petty for reasons that most of us would not even notice. If you remove the word “old”, the sentence is still true.
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My H’s aunt/uncle had no children so were going to leave everything they had to H and his brother since they all did a bit together growing up and she considered them “her” kids.
Then the uncle died leaving everything to the aunt. No biggie. Then a (married) pastor of a church her twin sister belonged to, but not her, came along and weaseled his way into her heart - spending hours at her house according to the car parked there. He got her to give him 100K outright, buy some expensive dogs from him (4!), turn away all of her relatives (including her twin sister who she’d been super close to her whole life), and change her will giving everything to him and his wife - not a good cause, not his church, nope, him and his wife.
She passed away last year and left the pastor as executor. He sent H a letter implying he was named in the will. H asked for a copy of the will and received that (he wasn’t in it at all) and the amount of the estate - fairly substantial. He asked the pastor why he was even notified if he wasn’t in the will, and the pastor more or less said, “oops.” We’re pretty sure he was rubbing salt in the wound - as he returned from an extremely nice vacation.
I’m glad my faith in God is solid, because if all I knew about religion was from this con artist (there are more stories than just this), I’d have no interest at all.
All we can hope for is when he reaches the Pearly Gates, God tells him, “depart from me I never knew you” as he does in the sheep and goats story in Matthew.
Don’t hold your uncle in poor esteem. You don’t really know what happened, and he did still think of you. Like you, we didn’t need the money, so there’s that, but horrible people are out there.
Favoritism in families can be toxic. Though sometimes there are reasons for it. I have a good friend with 5 siblings. Some have done well financially and others struggle. Parents have told everyone that the struggling kids will get all inheritances; nothing to the successful siblings. Parents said that is their wish and what they will do; live with it. No one should have an expectation of an inheritance. Its their money and they can do what they want with it.
Sometimes its also a matter of who took care of/spend time with the deceased. Common to leave all (or more) to those you have with a stronger connection. But sometimes that is artificial. You can move near someone (further from others) and say the ones close to you stop by more, do more for me, their kids see me more, etc. Sure but had you moved closed to another of your children/nephews/nieces, she/he and their family likely would have spent more time with you and the first kid/nieces/nephews not.
I am dealing with the situation now. But my dad is still alive with significant memory issues. I was helping him at one point but now I handle everything. Parents played huge favorites. I was never one of them. But they did put me in charge of everything. Thanks a lot. In the end, I figure there is less than a 50/50 chance my siblings will talk to each other by the time my dad passes. Horrible hand to be dealt but playing it the best I can.
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@saillakeerie That’s what I mean. No amount of money is worth that Imo. We need to be careful how you leave the inheritance. I believe in straight even steven.
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Phew. I understand the hurt. My guess is that he thought you were better off than the others so didn’t “need” the money.
I don’t have an inheritance story, but I do have a story of treating kids differently. When my siblings bought a house, my parents gave them money for a down payment. Not tons, but just a little helping hand. I’m the youngest by many years. When it came my time, they gave me nothing. I was incredibly hurt. I didn’t ask about it, but looking back who knows what their deal was. I was the only who bought out of our hometown so were they being petty? I was the only one who went to college and, even though I mostly was on scholarship, that was money that came my way that my siblings didn’t get. Because my siblings were close to them, they did get things that I didn’t get – lots of free babysitting, for instance.
All that to say I get how it hurts.
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Unfortunately, you cannot know why your uncle did what he did.
I have an aunt who had planned to leave me everything and asked me to distribute it to my cousins because she felt I would be fair. Yikes! Beyond the tax implications, what a mess that would have been. Her intentions were good, just misguided.
Your uncle may have felt you had less need. He may have felt he’d been more generous with you in life.
As the one who is the executor of everyone’s wills in our family, I ask that each person write a letter explaining their thoughts. It’s not part of the will, so no worries about complicating the legality of that, but “Sam has never had a newer car so I want him to have mine and to gift his to one of his kids”, and “Dan got his inheritance when I paid for grad school” and “Lindsey’s so well off she wouldn’t notice the $ but she’s sentimental so she gets the xyz jewelry”. Folks may not agree but they understand the care and thought that went into the decision.
OP, I am sorry that the way your uncle remembered you has caused you pain. I’m going to guess that wasn’t his intention. And I really doubt his goal was to poison your family relationships. You will have to decide going forward if you want this to leave you bitter or better. Grace is so dang hard…
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Iglooo, I understand you and I would feel the same way. It would have been better if your uncle had told you his plans ahead of time and his reasons for bequeathing you less than the others.
My dad has gifted two of his grandchildren significant amounts of money and the other three very little. I have told him he needs to treat all his grandchildren equally. I hope the message sinks in. But I haven’t told the grandchildren who haven’t gotten much the news and the amounts the other two got. That would just cause very hurt feelings.
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