High school stats –
GPA: 3.3
SAT: 1350
Extracurriculars: Model UN, Debate, HOSA, FHL, Research program at GMU
Leadership: President of HOSA and Co- Vice President of FHL
100+ volunteer hours
College stats –
GPA: 3.7-3.8 (depending on spring semester as well) , Biology major, 25 credits from H.S and 32 college credits by the time of application deadline in March
Extracurriculars: Tutoring, Tennis club, Student media, American Sign language club, shadowing during winter break at a clinic, Gamma phi beta (social sorority)
Leadership: Gamma phi beta education Vice president
Please don’t post your entire essays on here. It might get stolen/plagiarized or your own essay will be marked as plagiarized as if will be hard to prove you wrote this- there are many threads in the essay section that explains why this is not a good idea, please read those.
However, I’ll offer my personal opinion on your essay-
The kind of 4th-wall break in the intro is very risky. One reader might love it, another might think you’re trying too hard to be clever/outsmart the prompt. This also goes for other 4th wall breaks . You can talk about the school being your dream school or your accomplishments without modifying it with phrases like “Although this is the epitome of college essay cliques…” etc. And things like “With average high school stats…” feels a bit much. Own what you’ve been able to accomplish, the school will decide if it’s good enough for them. Even though I think you are trying to be unique, the theme comes off as paradoxically cliche (it’s about the whole picture, not just academics and activites, etc).
show, not tell. Show how and why you are passionate about the things you are passionate about, and that matters to you, not just say it. Show why.
When talking about challenges you’ve faced, it’s important to focus more on the lesson learned over the challenge. If you do mention challenges, you should elaborate more.
I think you did a good job tying yourself to the school and showing how you would be a good fit.
I hope this helps-- but please be aware of the risks of posting your essays on the internet.
You’ve got the right idea in asking for help to nail down clarity. I’d also remind you to pay attention to the other aspects of an essay: thesis statement, topic sentences, analysis, use of evidence, organization, etc.
For this essay you’ve got the thesis and topic sentences, but could use more analysis in the first body paragraph (where you’re explaining the Tribe Transfer Event). I’d also like to see a better summary of your argument in the conclusion. You want to leave the admissions officer with something memorable.
If you were one of my students and I was grading your paper, I’d likely give you a “B” on this writing. With your 3.7 College GPA, I’d assume that you’d like to polish this to become more of an “A” essay - especially since this for an application.