Well, @one1ofeach still has both kids at home every night so I don’t really see much need for parenting adjustment, unless the commute is very long it is pretty much same old in terms of family dynamics. For people whose kids actually live at the school it is different. And I would say there is pretty large difference between the local boarders who see parents and get off campus all the time and kids from far away who pretty much never get to leave or see parents aside from the breaks…
Both of my kids spend the majority of their time at school and often sleep there as well.
But what I was truly referring to was not the physical separation but the metaphoric distance that many (most?) boarding schools create. They have a “we’ve got it from here, thanks parents, please see yourselves out of the process” vibe for the most part. And I don’t mean that we don’t know what’s going on or that communication isn’t good. It’s more a very real mandate for parents to step back and let their kids take the lead, or let the school step in when necessary instead of parents doing so.
To the OP and other prospective parents: There is great variability in so many aspects of boarding school (even the ones often mentioned in the NE). Yes - variability of rigor, size of student body, focus on sports, residential life, weekend experience, and overall “vibe”. I will say this to you - be honest with yourself and your student about your expectations. Here are some things to consider:
I apologize in advance if this seems harsh. Here are Questions to help you define expectations beyond the usual ones @ college placement & SSAT scores.
- First, determine how much of a control freak you are. Why? Because when you send your kid away to BS (especially far away), you relinquish control in many ways. There are just some things you cant control and you have to be able to be ok with that.
- There are some schools that offer/provide more personalization than others.
- Some schools are more rigid than others in terms of ‘This is how we do it here” or “You change yourself to fit our school, we don’t make changes for you”. There are some schools that are more “student centered” and others that are more “school centered”.
- Does your student need accommodations or interventions/tutoring ? If so, it is crucial that you get honest answers about what the school realistically delivers. There are dedicated threads on this and parents on CC who can give advice.
- There is variability in how much schools want parent involvement or even communicate with parents.
*Some schools have a competitive vibe across all domains of the BS experience - sports, academics, EC’s, what you wear, where you vacation, who you hang with, etc. By contrast, some schools are more casual and socially inclusive. Not judging, just suggesting you really think about where you see yourself or think your kid will be happy.
- How much involvement of faculty in your kid’s life at BS are you expecting?
- What are your expectations for weekends at BS? Some have Saturday classes then sports. Some offer more activities than others. Some schools have more kids that leave for NY or Boston on the weekends.
- Is the “moral compass” or value set of the school important to you? Religious or spiritual involvement?
- What kind of social & emotional supports, as well as counseling are you expecting?
- There is great variability among residential dorms within each school and between schools. My kid had a room and a living situation worse than Gitmo (I know this for a fact because a friend worked there). So, if this is an issue for you - be prepared. Your kid will most likely not live in a nice dorm or have their own room Freshman or even Sophomore year. Maybe you want a school where students from all grades are in the same dorm.
- Your kid will be uncomfortable at some point - hopefully for not too long, or for a whole year. But they will be uncomfortable about something, experience disappointments and have to deal with it. You, as the parent, need to decide if you can deal with it also.
- How will you feel when the HOS or Dean tells you next September, “Parents, you have 10 minutes to say your goodbyes then all parents must leave campus”. Because that scenario (give or take a half-hour) will happen , so you have to feel comfortable driving away from your kid.
I am the OP and have really enjoyed the discussion and the insights. It has validated my apprehensions a bit so will have to play it depending on where DS gets in and then let HIM make the call. we are going to offer a “get out of jail free” card to him. i.e. anytime you want to come back let us know and we can get you back into the local school. My suspicion is that he will enjoy BS more than we may to start with.
I am excited by the prospect and also a bit apprehensive. But this is such a crap shoot one just doesn’t know.
To the folks who are have kids in BS I have a v specific question… How do the schools manage the ridiculous amount of time kids spend nowadays on their phones texting, redditting, instagramming, youtubing, etc. We have rules around that at home (no texting during dinners, or before sleeping etc.) How do schools manage that. or is it a sink or swim issue?
We are new to BS applications but wanted to say: visiting schools this year for interviews — we were really surprised by how much phone/device culture varied by school. Some schools the kids literally had their noses in their devices as they walked to class, tripping over each other (and us several times). Others, the kids had them in their hands but still talked to each other. And still other schools the phones were all but invisible. We were actually shocked by how prominent an attribute this ended being. My DD eliminated 2 schools based largely on phone culture (and she loves her phone and social media).
All that to say: phone culture is a real differentiator in my opinion and I had no idea to look for it until we visited.
@IntTraveller I have to agree with @Calliemomofgirls in that each school is different and it will show during visits. At SMS, the culture is minimal phone use for kids when in groups/during the day. Phones are not allowed in the dining hall nor in classes. Gaming systems are not allowed in rooms for Iii - V forms. There is a WiFi silent period after lights out. Each school will be different and these are questions you can also ask while you interview.
DD has also picked up on this and notices when she visits schools whether phones are the main focus of the students. Of course, her current school has a no phone out policy for the entire day. So, she’s used to not seeing phones at all.
As a parent of a day student for the first two years, we did experience some of the responsibility hand-off @one1ofeach described but, for us, it was more than that. Even though ds slept at home, it is a totally different lifestyle and greatly affects the rhythm of family life and the quality/amount of face-time with your kid. Later, when he switched to boarding, it was far less of an adjustment to go from ds sleeping at home to ds sleeping in the dorms.
We are nearby, of course the adjustment is different/greater for those far away but it is still quite the adjustment for parents.
When nearby friends are debating between enrolling their child in a local private day school and a local boarding school, one thing I always suggest they consider is the lifestyle. Boarding school, even as a day student, is a commitment to a 24/7 lifestyle.
*I suppose this varies by boarding school as they all have different personalities. And, at some, depending on the requirements, I suppose your kid can arrive just in time for class, attend class, attend sports, go home. And some may not have Sat. classes.
So, still 100% agree with @one1ofeach about the adjustment for the parents…whether day, boarding, near or far.
(edited to correct typo)
Haha. I think it actually says this in our handbook.
Great post in general! I feel like this should be saved for every parent considering bs to read.
So well said. For both my kids they are 100% part of their school allllll the time.
My son has already said he wants to board. It wouldn’t be any different for us at this point.
Re: the phone culture. Hotchkiss shuts down social media sites during study hall (8-10 pm) so kids literally cannot get on FB, or FB messenger then for example. And they shut down the internet after lights out, at least for the younger 2 years. Hotchkiss does not have cell reception, so the school really can exert this much control.
I don’t see kids with their noses buried in phones walking on campus or in the dining room.
At SPS:
No cell phone usage while walking outside. Should a student need to call or text, they should find a place to sit.
No headphones while walking on the paths (not limited to cell phones)
No phone usage in the Dining Halls and Common Room
No phone conversations inside academic buildings
In one of her school talks last year, the interim rector told that a few days after she arrived at SPS, she was on her phone while walking outside, and a student stopped her and told her she cannot do that on school grounds. She was embarrassed but grateful to be corrected. The way she told it was very funny though.
The phone thing is funny and I think needs to be observed. For example, at my sons school, phones will be taken if they are seen out and kids have to write an essay to get them back. At the same time you get into the buildings with an app…And they use their phones in math class…
The one time my son got his phone taken I tried to convince him to write about that hypocrisy in his essay. He refused.
I’m general both my kids went to school and had a little epiphany of “I don’t have time to be on my phone and I’m so much happier”.
We also toured schools where phones were out. Neither of my kids liked those.
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Thanks @one1ofeach for your comments (see above).
Our school is phone free in academic buildings, dining hall, library, and in between classes. I think the students can be on their phone in one of the snack places. If your caught on the phone while walking between buildings, a faculty member will shout at you (so all can hear), “Get off your phone!”…I had this done to ME last year!
@one1ofeach @carpoolingma it seems that there is a lot of variation between schools in how they manage the boarding vs day student population. My son is a day student at a small school with about 25% boarding students, the vast majority from China (very few domestic boarders). It’s essentially a day school with a couple of dorms. It doesn’t feel any different than the day school he’s been attending since kindergarten. There is no integration between day and boarding students, and he hates hanging at school after classes because there’s nothing to do. Even when he has a late afternoon/evening activity at school, he insists on coming home first and going back later. This constant driving back and forth is the only lifestyle change we’ve experienced.
Putting this out there so people are aware that not all BS are equal, and one’s experience as a boarding or day student may be vastly different depending on the school.
in light of the interesting insights about cell phone culture at different BS, I wonder if there are major variances in what I am terming the Kardashain culture (I literally just made this up- but hope it simplifies what I am trying to convey.) At our daughters BS very few girls wear makeup and if they do it is done so rarely. When they do wear makeup it looks very natural. Most dress for comfort vs super trendy or sexy. Very few tattoos or piercings (unless it is a committed personal style).
This varies wildly from the PS styles we regularly encounter. Our older daughter finished high school at our local public school in a relatively affluent small town in MA and our younger daughter has many friends who attended this same high school. The trend seems to be to wear full face makeup, dress sexy and many girls have embraced the Kardashian look. (Heavy makeup , crazy eyelashes etc…). This isn’t meant to be judgmental, as I actually find the BS style to be more unusual. (my daughter literally wouldn’t wear mascara to Prom -super weird for this Vegas girl!) Just wondering if this is a quirk of our kids BS vs PS or a wider trend?
@GoatMama , I think your post is an important one, especially for potential BS day student parents. Parents (and kids) should take a look at the percentage boarding (both students and faculty!), class schedule (Sat?), weekend trips/activites offered, level of day student/boarder integration, etc.
DS’s school is majority boarding for both faculty and students and, as such, aims for full integration of day students and boarders and makes available all meals, “free” weekend activities/trips, building access, advisory groups, bonding nights, out-of-class hours study sessions/clinics, etc.
Is there a thread somewhere about BS day student vs boarder experiences at different boarding schools?
I appreciate @GoatMama ’s comments about the major differences in boarding culture among schools. My 2 kids may end up having similar experiences as her kids.
My 10th grader is in his second year at Mercersburg. 85% boarding, many activities and opportunities on campus that keep kids there and occupied on the weekends. Day students integrate well from what I can see. School is well endowed, and it shows in its facilities and student opportunities. Cell phone policy is also pretty strict, I don’t know all the details, but I don’t see kids with phones out when I am on campus. (I was there quite a bit this year to attend football games.)
In contrast, my 8th grader has no interest in boarding. Next year he will choose between the public high school and a local boarding school as a day student (the only private school that is commutable for us AND will bus him). That BS is never mentioned on this board, is not very competitive, and has about a 40% boarding population. However, most of those are Chinese students, who often do not integrate well into the community.
We’ve purposely attended weekend sports games to get a sense of the boarding community, and the campus was DEAD on every occasion. Clearly not many day students come to campus on weekends to support teams or attend activities. That was disappointing.
The school is also not well endowed, and is probably struggling financially. This shows in many ways. It is night and day when you compare Mercersburg to this local BS. In the end it will be his decision whether he wants to attend. However right now I am not sure if the small class sizes outweigh the cost of sending him there and having a 45 minute bus ride every day. I guess we’ll decide in April.
@vegas1 I don’t think it’s BS vs LPS based on my observation. Mascara is the most the kids do at our BS. Girls adhere to the dress code about 50% of the time and the rest of the time it’s leggings and sweatpants. Although I guess the boys stick to dress code almost all the time. LPS, Boston area, is the same. Girls are not dressing up for school (sweatpants & leggings is normal) and they are not wearing makeup on the regular.
I wonder if this goes more in cycles/groups of kids.
Plus geography. Southern BS (episcopal) girls are definitely dressing up and wearing makeup every day.
Hotchkiss is 92% boarders, 8% day students. I’ve had 7 years of having a day student attend, and one year of boarding. The day students are assigned a room with their own desk but not bed. They are really well integrated with the school.
The day student experience varies wildly! It was one of the key things we looked at. A couple of the schools we looked at didn’t do as good a job in that day students had no place to call their own.
Millbrook does a good job too, with day students also being assigned a room, and a bed (but no desk).