As we go through the process, meet alums, campus tour guides, see youtube videos, etc. almost everyone seems to validate the BS experience is awesome, great, transformative, etc. I understand that we are looking at a biased sample but is it really everything most students hope for? Maybe its the cynic (realist) in me but there have to be kids who are not always positive about their experience? And i don’t mean the extremes where kids got expelled or absolutely thought it was terrible. I mean those parents/kids who thought the BS option was not all that it was cracked up to be and regret the decision. Just curious to hear non conforming opinions (if they exist on this board which itself maybe a biased sample). And why was it not everything you thought it would be?
Want to make decisions with our eyes open.
Thanks
I think yours is a good question, but you are probably right that this board is disproportionately populated by bs true believers. I am for MY kid, but there are plenty (most?) kids who wouldn’t fit for bs for all kinds of reasons.
There are some threads here that reflect the parental concern of stress and homework load, and general disappointment that the experience wasn’t meeting expectations. So hopefully you will get some good answers.
I think you have to keep in mind that no matter how bright and shiny these schools are, they are still just high schools, populated by fallible adults and students alike. That isn’t a bad thing. But if a parent’s expectation is that a school is going to magically change who the kid is at her core, or that all the students are destined for greatness, or that all teachers are going to be brilliant, or that you will be kept 100% informed 100% of the time, or that the academic choices made are always pitch perfect, you will be disappointed. Just be realistic in your expectations. Kids will grouse. Teachers won’t click. Mistakes will be made.
That’s is all part of the experience- learning to navigate life’s challenges. If the kid wants to be at bs, and you find one that aligns with your family’s priorities and the kid’s needs, it can be life-changing. No question in my mind.
For my kid, it exceeded our expectations. By a lot. This may have been because I was hoping for a superior academic experience and a positive social environment that included a lot of kids from different backgrounds. It was that, for sure, but so much more. It was really transformative, and I remain so grateful for how that experience allowed my kid to grow.
But he had a classmate who chose to withdraw because he missed his friends at home. Another friend had 2 older siblings at another BS who had very disappointing college outcomes (having believed that coming from a "big name " BS would open different doors for them and I know his parents were very unhappy with that school). There are kids every year who don’t have the desire to do the work, and even if they don’t flunk out, it’s not the "love of learning " experience everyone had hoped for. And I have known a couple of girls who have withdrawn for mental health reasons (which the school environment almost certainly played a role in creating.) So no, it’s not terrific for everyone!
People on these boards who have kids in BS who love it as also got the fit right. All of these schools have great academics, so it’s more a matter of finding the place where your kid will thrive. The environments at these schools differ- sometimes enormously! Some really work at creating community and do a fair amount of intentional work around this. Others let things evolve on their own. Some provide lots of structure to keep kids on track. Others try to foster independence by providing less of that and simply providing advice (including how to fix things when you are off track.) Some schools are very comfortable for some demographics and much less so for others.
I can say in hindsight that without really understanding fit then as well as I do now that we were really lucky that acceptances turned out the way they did, both in where DS ended up but also in where he did not (thanks to the AO who realized that although his stats made him an academic fit, he really was not otherwise. )
And for the record, although I love my kid’s school, there were definitely things they could have done better (some of which they are doing differently now). So even when it’s great, it won’t always be perfect.
@IntTraveller we can say as a family overall the experience was transformative for our 4 kids and they would not be the people they are today without having attended. (this holds true even for our daughter who ultimately left BS).
Like many we wanted our kids to attend BS to continue to develop their love of learning surrounded by like minded peers, but got so much more. I could literally wax poetic on the people, academics, cool experiences and general uniqueness of it all- but it would take way to long to type or read. Of course, it wasn’t all lollipops and rainbows- it was also extremely challenging, stressful and lonely at times as well for our kids. Like any great experience in life, you accept the lows in order to experience the highs. All 3 kids who loved it at BS are convinced their future kids will attend their alma mater as well, which speaks to how satisfied they were with their decision to attend BS.
I am a BS alum, I have taught at a BS, and now my child attends BS, so I have the perspective of student, teacher, alum, and parent.
I agree with the previous posters. I believe that BS is an awesome experience for the right kid going to the right school. It was a transformative experience for me and it had a huge impact on me developing into the person I am today. I look back and am so thankful to have had the opportunity to attend.
But I have seen myself many times that it is not necessarily a great experience for all kids, including kids who do not withdraw or who are not expelled. And I have friends who do not look back at their BS experience so fondly and some that have regrets.
I think that the parents here are asking the right questions about the schools, and it helps give them more insight into the schools. Back in my day as a student, well before the internet and revisit days, parents just didn’t have as many opportunities to learn about the details of the schools as they do now. My parents certainly didn’t ask the right questions and I think it was sheer luck that it turned out well for me.
I think the other thing parents have to do is to really, really do an honest assessment of your kid. For example, how will your child handle being the small fish in the big pond at BS, which is most likely for most kids? Your child may not have been in that situation before for you to actually know. So what evidence do you have to support your feelings? What does your kid really need to thrive? Also recognize that what you think your kid needs now as a 13 yo 8th grader may be very different from what your future 18 yo senior needs - in a way that you may or may not be able to predict.
Other questions to ask: how independent is your kid? How much structure does your child need? How much emotional support does your child need? How does your child handle stress? Does your child have any signs of anxiety or depression, or otherwise shown that s/he does not handle stress well? Mental health issues may become evident in the teen years, and some kids may find BS to be a “furnace” of sorts that can exacerbate mental health issues. There is a lot in the news about mental health issues in high school and college students these days, and of course mental health issues can develop for kids who stay home for high school as well, but the big difference is that they will be home and you will be there to see it and perhaps intervene faster and in a more hands-on way as opposed to kids at BS. And yes, communication is very different now between parents and kids with texting and FaceTime compared to my day as a student, but still, it isn’t the same as having your child at home.
There are some unicorn kids who are extremely flexible and can truly thrive in any environment. Maybe you have one of those.
I will also add that the admissions offices don’t always get it right. They can’t, as they’re honestly faced with an impossible task. Kids and parents are putting their best foot forward, which is natural in this highly competitive process. Plus the AOs have to take into account yields, etc. Sometimes a child might be accepted for what the child can bring to the school but that does not necessarily mean the school is the right fit for the kid.
It’s complicated. I think the best that you can do as a parent is to get as much information about the school and their students and figure out as much as you can about your kid, apply, and figure it out from there.
Think of it in terms of college…would you/your child rather attend Yale or local State U? Can you be successful and happy at both? Sure. Is State U a better fit for many? Yes. Is there a right answer for every student? No.
If you think acceptance to an Ivy would be amazing (for whatever reasons) the “elite” schools offer that type of prep and campus experience.
If you think (in general) people are insane to drop 240K for a (sometimes) useless BA vs getting a business degree for half the price, well you can roll that into the BS world.
I went to local public HS and then State U and LOVED it all; it worked out well for my career. Couldn’t be happier with the experiences.
My son is at a “top” TSAO school. It brings it to another level I had no idea existed. In hindsight, holy God, did I miss out on both schooling, life experiences, and career opportunities.
So, I have lived or seen up close both worlds, and the simple answer is YES, it is ABSOLUTELY worth it with the caveats noted above in other posts.
Best family decision (and investment) ever.
Not just referring to people in this forum, but in general, we have noticed some parents wear rose-colored glasses when it comes to their kids’ happiness at BS. At times they think their kids are having the time of their lives, when in fact some are under tremendous pressure to succeed academically, socially and athletically, accentuated by the fact their parents have invested so much time and money in the process.
I also note parents saying “my kid would not be the person he/she is if it weren’t for boarding school”. I think this is an extreme sentiment. A child is a result of some combination of nurture and nature, and parents shouldn’t sell themselves short in terms of their child and teen-raising skills. We are really happy with our family’s BS experience, but our kid(s) are who they are, and BS is only a part of the growth and maturing process, not the whole shebang.
Compared to our local private school, the advantages we have found are - less driving around (therefore less familial stress); kids get to hang out with their friends a lot more; more efficient time usage and scheduling for athletics, clubs, social activities; top-notch faculty that is very available after hours; less helicopter parenting (by us). It’s been nice to learn to let go, and kid likes that aspect.
Lastly, there is a lot of focus on the “top 10-15” schools here on this Forum. The famous BSs do have a very strong student peer group, which may benefit the strongest students in a myriad of ways, for example, in classroom discussions and in ECs. But there are also strong students at less famous schools. “Fit” is infinitely more important than “prestige”, and sometimes fit can be found in proximity/geography, or sports, or music/arts/drama specialties, or culture, or level of intensity and competition, or any number of things.
Good luck with your journey!
I think it depends, too, on why you are thinking of BS.
If you are just thinking BS is a springboard to the “elite” colleges, then I think you may need to reconsider. Your local HS may be a better option (ours was definitely not, but there are plenty of those who have quality public options).
I have to echo what most have said above. We are mostly biased in our opinions because our kids are thriving at BS. Not all kids will…no matter where they go because the BS environment is not a good fit for them.
We also were lucky that DS ended up in the perfect school for him ( No, his school isn’t perfect -there’s been minor dislikes or issues) and it has provided him a growth that can only be described as the X factor because it’s intangible and indescribable but yet oh so amazing.
DS has tried things he never would have tried or been exposed to at home. He’s navigated airports, flight delays, reroutes, Uber and train rides alone. He’s developed relationships with peers and adults he never would have in any other situation because his parental unit is so far away. He’s had to depend on “strangers” (read non-family) to help him in tough situations. He may end up at a state school…or a non-“elite” college (can you tell I hate that word? What does it really even mean?) but it will be because he’s figured out who he is as an individual and where he best belongs. I think much of that is attributed to his experiences at BS.
I cringe every time I pay the tuition bill. I cringe sometimes when I see his face tired or sick on FaceTime. But those moments are far outweighed by the many many times my heart swells and my eyes shine with the pride of seeing him thrive. For us, it’s a no-brainer.
Is it worth it? Yes, it is, if you get the right fit. As a family we struggled with this very question given the excellent public schools available in our town. We decided to send our kids after visiting the various schools. The resources were so much better than anything we saw in local public school. What ultimately convinced our family was the depth of learning. The public had loads of AP’s ( and rote learning) to go along with it. My kid compares notes with friends at public. What they are learning and how they are learning is not the same as at BS. Not to even begin with additional BS offerings.
It’s quite a gift to give your kids. We could give them $ or more stuff, but honestly, giving them a love of learning and an environment that supports them as a whole person is really the best we can do.
I also cringe when paying the bills. But I am paying it forward and hope my kids will one day do the same.
If you have a kid who is a good student, interested in life ( and others) and wants to be around other motivated kids then it’s likely a good fit. If you are motivated by college acceptance, you will likely be disappointed. ( re: grades are not inflated and class rank might ge lower) If your kid has to be the biggest fish or doesn’t love being a member of a team/community it’s also likely not going to work. For the right kid and family-it’s awesome. For the first time ever my kid is working hard in school and stretching to learn. My kid is with other eager learners who care about doing their best. To us, that’s really something we always wanted. Glad we found it before collegr.
I am very heartened by the responses to my question. It makes clear that it is a topic you too thought about a lot. So thanks a lot.
The responses have made me feel more confident in the decision to apply (though I do understand, that you are all a biased sample). Indeed our motivation is less about the college he will get into (though, I’d be lying if I didn’t expect him to go to a competitive school) but it is indeed the desire to instill the curiosity and love of learning and the confidence. Also I always remember this quote - “You will be the average of the five friends you mostly spend time with”. I presume these schools for the most part have good ‘stock’.
The fit question is a real one as intuitively I believe he will thrive in a certain type but it all depends where he gets in, so maybe the decision will be made easier by the schools themselves. I hope he has the luxury of choice.
we are now deep in essays. it is a lot of work! but thankfully grades/interviews/tests are all done so laser focus in the TG holidays!
The responses above are excellent. I agree with all of it.
DS is the first in the family to go to private school of any sort. We got SO lucky in terms of fit - really couldn’t ask for better! Yes, ds has had a great education, but… The mentorship! The relationships! The opportunity! The personal growth! The community! The emotional support! The exposure to different backgrounds! I can’t say enough. (and all of this has gotten ds through the stress, the workload, the lack of sleep.)
DS looks forward to school starting each semester. When he was a day student, he wanted to go hang out with his friends on Sundays and he petitioned to switch to boarding. Now, in his Senior year, he is concerned about how much he will miss his school and is already talking about ways to keep in touch with both kids and adults. (and there are kids that can’t wait to get out of there and move on!)
For ds, this has been an amazing journey. I am soooo glad that he pulled us in this direction and that we were able to provide it for him.
I think I am more on the fence than most about this and I know parents in real life who feel the same way. Many of the parents I talk to feel the way I do. Our kids are at great schools but everyone I know also has an excellent public option so it’s tricky to say “it’s worth it.” None of those people are on CC however!
I was just talking to a dad the other day who wished his son had transferred. He didn’t think the extreme rigor was worth it and his kid was kept out of his first choices due to the grade deflation. (A kid with an almost perfect sat and 4 years of two varsity sports)
It’s a LOT of money. It’s a lot of stress. If my kids could have gone to their first choice colleges from our public highschool but are kept out of that because of their BS that is a negative for me. I recognize that’s an unpopular opinion on CC but I stand by it. I guess I’ll just stick my foot in it and say I just don’t think Washington and Lee is a good choice for a kid with academics in line with an Ivy. (That kid is doing no work and getting all A’s in college so I don’t see how that’s a good fit I guess)
I understand the argument that it’s all about the “experience” but I think experience should be balanced with planning your next step.
There are great things. Access to teachers is fantastic. The community of smart kids is great. But there are bad teachers everywhere - don’t think prestigious BS avoid that.
So, I’m rambling, sorry about that but I am conflicted about your question.
I have not read all of the responses in this thread.
Everything is relative. What are your other options locally ?
Parents miss out on attending kids school events on a weekly basis.
Why boarding school ?
In our case, we had great local options, but they all came with long commutes in very congested traffic. Not a good way to begin each day. Reasoned that the 45 minute to one hour commute each way everyday could be put to better use at boarding school.
If you have an only child, then it may be attractive to have them grow up with a larger family of brothers & sisters.
A double sided coin with respect to academics & the most selective boarding schools. Kid is no longer the smartest in the class & may develop an unrealistic view of others’ intellect.
Kids need time to enjoy being a kid with the security of a home, neighborhood, parents, relatives & childhood friends nearby.
Boarding school is an artificial world, not a real world environment.
Unless the family needs boarding school & the student is ready for advanced independence, high quality, meets needs of student & family, local options are better in my opinion.
Of course, for families in New England, boarding schools are almost the equivalent of a local option if the boarding school is just an hour or two drive from home.
Everything is relative to a family’s situation & to the student’s needs.
Yes, there are pros and cons. One child simply loved it, despite a few rocky moments. Mixed experience for the other. But such is life. I’m sure if they had attended our local public school, there would have been ups and downs as well - just a different set.
However, no one can predict these BS kids would have gone to Ivies if they just went to their local public schools. Our local public is strong but few go to Ivies. And for high achieving students, the LPS comes with plenty of stress, sometimes even more.
Regarding the situation with the father and his student in the above post, perfect SATs and playing varsity sports does not get one an Ivy guarantee. Remember, these most selective colleges are taking 5-6% of students and that includes students with hooks. Playing varsity sports doesn’t really help one’s application if you are not recruitable. Tons of applicants with perfect SATs get rejected every year.
I can promise you that Ivies factor in BS rigor.
But, again, the reasons to send your children to BS shouldn’t be an end game of Ivy admissions.
People like to blame their choice when their dream doesn’t pan out. That’s human nature but often failed logic.
I am with @one1ofeach. It totally depends, and I think it is highly disingenuous to say it is always worth it assuming you find the right ‘fit’, which is an elusive thing in and of itself. And you never know how things would have turned out had you not done the boarding school route.
Now if your local public schools are terrible and you qualify for almost full financial aid the calculation is much different than for kids who have access to good local schools and families have to pay all or most of the boarding school costs.
In any event, when my kid expressed interest in going I talked extensively to the number of adults i know who have gone to boarding school, and the answers ranged greatly from ‘best time of my life’ through ‘eh’ to ‘hated it and would never send my kids’. And now that my kid is home for the break and got together with friends at a number of other boarding school he also reports mixed things, some kids love it while others barely like it or pretty much hate it and think of going back home.
So it is definitely not worth it to everyone, and the whole independence thing is totally overblown on this board, few kids have real need for this at 14 and they all will get it at 18 when they go off to college so where is the big rush? Do you really need to deal with crappy roommate, subpar dining hall food, and constant lack of sleep at 14? The academic and social challenges of high school are enough to deal with for most kids in my opinion.
Now there are academic and athletic opportunities at boarding school that are better than most day schools so yes if your child can take advantage of them it can be awesome. But again your kid may struggle if they suddenly realize they struggle in a math class and are not the superstar they thought they were. And in terms of sports, some of the elite BS recruit heavily so even if you are good you may not even make JV as a freshman, forget varsity. A friend of my kid just learned last week he did not make the hockey team at all, a crushing blow to a boy who has loved playing hockey since he was 6.
Also keep in my that most of the elite ‘acronym’ boarding schools are large are operate more or less like a small college, you really need to be able to advocate for yourself. And large portion of the kids are either day students or local boarders, with parents close enough to be on campus weekly to schlep their kids to serious extracurricular activities and keep an eye on things on campus. If you cannot be one of those parents it can make things a lot harder for your kid.
Reading this it may sound unnecessarily negative as my kid does love the BS but the people above made it sound very rosy and it definitely isn’t, especially at the beginning. Going into it with open eyes and realistic expectations is a key in my opinion.
That actually doesn’t sound too local!
When you are going through it, it can be hard. With my oldest (now out of college) I too would have been on the fence. There are kids who crash and burn at these schools.
Having said that, with 2 out of BS (one in college, one in the workforce) and one BS junior, I can say this: boarding school made them who they are, and allowed them to become the best possible version of themselves.
It hasn’t necessarily been a smooth path, the one out of college was a bit of a wild child/rule breaker. But BS gave him a direction I’m not sure he would have had otherwise. He’s now working in the field he set his eyes on in BS and working at a place that supposedly is harder to get a job in than it is to get admitted to Harvard (according to Vanity Fair). This is after him doing ok but not amazingly grade wise at BS and attending his safety school (which barely cracks the top 50 in most rankings).
I’d write about my other two, but this is getting too long.
One important point, though, is to not focus on college placement as the measure of success. When I asked about college placement at Millbrook’s revisit day, the Head of School answered with “I will talk about that, but you are asking the wrong question. What you should be asking is, are the kids happy, engaged in meaningful work, and successful. as they define success.” In other words, has the school set them up to be happy and successful (again, as they define it) in life. Think about it – being happy and successful in life is SO much more important than the prestige of your college. Going to Harvard will not make up for being unhappy and/or unsuccessful. And of course the reverse is true too.
We live in an area where the top public schools send 10ish kids to Ivies each year. I don’t think that the stress would not be there, that is an intrinsic thing for my second kid. However, he would be stressed, doing great work and getting top grades (95+). Instead he is stressed, doing top work and scraping in a 90. To me the biggest difference is really the grade inflation vs deflation. And I acknowledge that my son’s school is on the extreme end of this and I did not realize that when he applied.
The dad I was talking to was not blaming anyone or anything, simply relaying facts. He is wealthy enough that his kids won’t have to work ever and I think that brings a certain confidence in the future. His kids will be fine literally no matter what and he is very very chill about their future. His kid was asked at every school he interviewed at why his test scores were so high and grades so low (“low” GPA a 90). So, while it is the common wisdom on CC that Ivies factor in BS rigor, I’d say that they are not actually on top of that at all.
While I agree with part of this I also see some of it as BS hubris. There is definitely a vibe at BSs that the BS is the most important educational experience a child gets so college is more an after thought and not that important. I just don’t agree with that.
Forgive me, but you have a 9th grader, correct? I have the benefit of 3 kids farther along and thus have the benefit of hindsight. And believe me, when my oldest was in 9th grade I would have been saying the same things you are 
What I wrote wasn’t from the boarding schools, it was my own opinion. And let me emphasize that the boarding school experience is not all sunshine and Rose’s and the path isn’t completely smooth.
But another example. My oldest struggled in French, and had to work with the teacher and get tutoring and put in HOURS of work, in order to get a C+. If it were me in high school, I would have run as far as I could from French. And if you talked to me then I would have grumbled about grade deflation, and stress at BS., etc etc.
But here’s how the story turned out: my son kept taking French classes in college, got straight A’s in them, did an immersion programme, became a French minor and is now fluent in French. He is now positioned to be a top candidate to be moved to his firm’s European office, one of his goals. Can you see that in this small area he is positioned to be happy and successful?
Now, it’s not the French teaching at boarding school that gets the credit. But it is the emphasis on hard work, stretching oneself, resiliency, setting a difficult goal that absolutely does get the credit.