<p>This just made my day: Why</a> I Want to Go to Columbia Law School</p>
<p>Why I Want to Go to Columbia Law School: An Essay in Three Parts by [Redacted Candidate ####]:</p>
<p>Greed is Good Gordon Gekko</p>
<p>Part 1: First Comes the Money. [1]</p>
<p>I want to go to Columbia Law School for one reason plain and simple: I want money. I dont think this should come as yeahany surprise to you my gracious reader.[2] After all, if I wanted to be a judge then this would read Why I Want to Go to Yale Law. If I wanted to help some poor, suffering urchins that cling to the bottom of the American Industrial Steamship then I would probably either (A) not be going to law school and instead go to a Sociology Masters Program so that I could spend the next 8 years ****ing and moaning to (who else but!) lawyers about how no one actually does anything for these poor, unfortunate souls (so sad; so true)[3] or<a href="B">4</a> go to a worse law school that would give me a scholarship because Im sure I could out-compete the low lives at a Michigan or a Texas and then still land a comfy little position with the SPLC.</p>
<p>So, as I was saying, I want to go to Columbia mostly to secure a nice job at a prestigious firm in order to maximize my earnings. The average salary coming out of Columbia is easily going to break 150,000 and will have benefits including, but not limited to: overtime pay, free lunches and dinners, car rides home, discounts at gyms (if not a free gym), vacation time and an excuse to wear clothing that serves no purpose to this day other than to remind us that we are the elite and they (oh that proverbial they!) in their clearance rack Polos and Izod slacks are nothing but the filth clinging to the tire treads on my BMW 7 series. All I have to do for this money is endure 3 years of lectures that pretend to teach me theory about a system of justice.[5] Then I just sit around in an air-conditioned building and do fairly mindless research for however many hours a week. If I might add at this point, and I dont put this in a footnote to stress its relevance: the idea that lawyers work hard because they work a lot is an absurdity and logical fallacy which these spoiled children of divorcees and adulterers seem to revel in. I, however, dont live under this illusion (blatant egotism darling) and so dont consider the circumstances of the post-law-school-grad particularly dire. </p>
<p>In conclusion, [6] dear reader, I simply want wealth. But why? I have been happy with what Ive had. What benefit will a more luxurious car or nicer clothing give me? It seems that taking on exponentially more work (in units of time) for presumably marginally better goods (in units of extra luxury) would defy economic intuition.[7] So from whence does moneys utility stem? Well for that we turn to the next section.</p>
<p>Part 2: Then Comes the Power.</p>
<p>To answer the question of why money? we need to look at power and social power projection in the United States of America. I went to Michigan for undergraduate study and so, in the grand tradition of Tom Hayden, you can appreciate how much of this was crammed down my throat. I learned one important thing: I am already white; I am already male; I am already a heterosexual. Life sucks for the rest, but as long as I add wealth to the preceding list, I can compensate for the hooknose (God of Abraham; follow?) and attain power.</p>
<p>Columbia Law School would uniquely position me to attain power. But whats power? Power, my friend, for you are now a friend, basically means access; access to exclusive organizations, clubs, restaurants, schools, neighborhoods, political and social positions, etc. These are the kinds of things that money cant buy directly but obviously necessitate money.[8] Why the world works this way remains a mystery to me as much as it probably does to you. </p>
<p>And with that power comes the theater of the elite. I can feign interest in world affairs, pretend to develop a palette for fine wine, and act like I actually enjoy the mind numbing conversation of the conservative, Anglo-Saxon, brat next to me explaining how its not his[9] responsibility to provide for poor because if they only saved more then this wouldnt be a problem.[10] Of course I will be doing this where else but the finest, most private establishments my greedy, little feet can burst into. </p>
<p>But I leave you, dear reader, at an unfortunately confusing pass yet again. After all, I seem to disdain the privilege I will spend all this time amassing. What then, one wonders, is the point? It cannot be mere ennui. It cannot be ironic. And it cannot be inevitability. These reasons seem too French and I love America too much. So we turn to the final section in this little essay.</p>
<p>Part 3: Then Comes the Women.[11]</p>
<p>Do you hate me dearest reader and affectionate friend? After all of this, it comes down to sex. But what can I say? If one says they go to Columbia Law, that they make over 6 figures, and that they know someone at the such-and-such Yacht Club[12] then they are guaranteed a night of transitory love. And what love is better than that which lasts a night and ends at daybreak? </p>
<p>Ultimately I want something interesting and valuable. I am not shallow. Its the women that are shallow. I love them each and every one at least as much as I love myself.[13] And I want to break through that shallow exterior into the depths that underlie each gorgeous pair of legs. That is to say, I want to get to know them, if only briefly. And as any biblical scholar will tell you, to be intimate is to know. One can know everything really. But unfortunately the most beautiful girls, the ones with the most slender curves, the flattest bellies, the hardest legs and the softest facial features, that is to say, the interesting ones, require one to play an absurd game.</p>
<p>Is that cruel to say? Not all women are so shallow. But those that can be often are. Some women desire merely strength or smarts. But they too do not interest me. Either insecure or worse: intellectual. Intellectual women bore me. They speak and this kills everything for both of us. My ego and I have a very personal relationship when it comes to discussing anything at all and we dont like the banalities of estrogen interfering. And so when it does, ego and I can get quite unpleasant. </p>
<p>It is the beautiful ones that interest me, that inspire and entice me. Not just the beautiful ones but also the ones that know that they do not want anything out of a man not even pleasure. They want material wealth; they want the world and they simply use what skills they have to get it.[14] Naturally one speculates on and wants to understand what they do not possess, do not know and do not understand. And so beauty, raw and physical, is all I want in a woman because I want to understand it.[15] The aesthetic nature of the bosom, the buttock and the calf, to me, are at least as interesting as truth and freedom are to the amateur philosopher (who has not discovered that everything he does and says is a waste). And with each woman comes more knowledge of beauty and pleasure. The cost of this knowledge in turn can be reduced to a mere 3 years and some tuition payments. </p>
<p>And so money, power, sex, love and beauty: that is why I want to go to Columbia Law School. Thank you dear reader. You have been absolutely lovely. I do appreciate your time and patience in bearing with me. Lets ignore our secular duties for a moment[16]: God knows that I have loved every minute of your company as Im sure you have loved every minute of mine. And so thank you again and Good-Bye. Ciao. Bon Voyage. Shalom.[17] Kisses.[18]</p>
<p>[1] If you have seen Scarface you can guess the conclusion of this essay and jump down to part 3 or perhaps even just skip this all together: I assure you its nothing but an ironic attempt at uniqueness in a genre [the college personal statement] where uniqueness is dead and irony is more cliché than cliché itself.
[2] I hope you dont mind the affectationIve just been reading Tolstoy. And just to be sure, Im not trying to impress you; rather, picking up girls at Michigans undergraduate orientation is easy if one plays up the smooth, intellectual-type card. Inasmuch, I got bored in front of the library and actually read the book I was holding. Really, truly, honestly vile stuff: totally self-indulgent dribble from a Russian writer consumed in excess that sought misery to assuage some Romantic intuitions about absolutely nothing in the end.
[3] If that struck even the remotest chord its because you recognize it as a brilliant literary reference to Disneys The Little Mermaid. Copyright 1987.
[4] This is an example of poor writing on my part: One should never enumerate in-paragraph unless they dont add predicates to the enumerated subjects because it gets jarring, confusing and it corrupts the structure. One also shouldnt add footnotes to try and cover up for poor writing: its cheap, tawdry, pretentious and indulgent. Ill fit right in, wont I?
[5] Inasmuch as a system of justice can still exist or does still exist or has ever existed. To be sure, again, Im not trying to impress upon you that Im some pathetic Zinn-reading, Village-strolling, Ginsberg-wannabe. I.e., I dont maintain that were in some Foucault inspired totalizing dystopia nor that some sinister forefathers did everything in their power to screw us all over. Rather, I think its all theater, theater, theater and ego, ego, ego.
[6] Thats really the best I have. Forgive me and Ill make it up to you later?
[7] Kind reader, I suggest you quickly review the economic concepts of labor-leisure trade off and the back bending supply curve. Follow this with a quick read over on decreasing marginal returns. Without these two crucial concepts Im afraid the last sentences power will be lost on you. Admittedly I explained little and that is not my faultI am the victim of spatial constraints.
[8] At least to some extent: money cannot compensate for poor pedigree but sometimes a pedigree can accomplish the vice versa. Missus Blanche DuBois serves canonically here.
[9] This might be the best time to mention that I am well aware of my use gendered pronouns. I can assure you, however, that is quite intentional and not mere habit. I am well aware that women can be lawyers too. But power? Lets not kid ourselves. Joking! How anachronistic of me. Unfortunately we dont have a set of pronouns for the subset of women who stick to pant suits and the sort of indignant ill-humor that will ensure the only man they land will have the spine of an amoeba (or the fidelity of Don Juan). And so I use male pronouns liberally.
[10] One might mistake this last sentence for a bit of enmity towards the elite and empathy with the poor. Nothing could be further from the truth: I only find the total bastardization of economic theory by the Economics 101 Elites a tad annoying. Personally, I dont think the poor are my responsibility because I am not poor.
[11] A few casual friends (and thus self-appointed editors and critics) have suggested that the next section loses some of the wittier, oomphier, crasser banter of the preceding sections. Apologies. Apparently variety and meaningful apogee play second fiddle to jokes about class and brains. On the other hand, the misogyny, Ive been told, surpasses the line of satire. Swift and I will be dining on babies together in Hell, I fear.
[12] At long last, my own Midwestern, middle class and mediocre upbringing sheepishly surfaces. I confess ignorance! Where do the rich and powerful hang out in the City? My images remain firmly entrenched in the archaic descriptions of Fitzgerald and Salinger. And so yet another benefit of Columbia Law School rears its headat long last I can begin my training for entry into the culture of the spoiled, the undeserving and the entitled.
[13] Exercise: Using the clues provided in this essay, determine how much this writer and candidate loves himself.
[14] To avoid making this any longer I will reproduce a simple enough analogy. Venus : Beauty :: Hilary Clinton : Force of will :: Madame Curie : Genius :: A handyman : a hammer. What difference does it make what endowment is used to achieve the same end?
[15] For those who missed out on the subtle inference I consider myself quite unattractive and easily attainable. Its true; in the realm of physiognomy I am as insecure as a thirteen year old trying a cigarette for the first time. I use parody and humor to compensate. Then I dryly and blandly make ironic self-referential statements about it. Then I point out my bland irony to compensate for my lack of originality. This goes on and on, much like a certain, popular Sherry Lewis song.
[16] But for only a moment! Serious faith in God is the only true sin. Lest we end up like those boorish Southerners! We use money to separate ourselves from the Wretched of the Earth, but we would never speak ill of them. That is for the compassionate Christians.
[17] Originally I had the idea of sarcastically saying goodbye in as many languages as possible and making this list go on for the remainder of this page. Luckily I realized that (A) this is stupid, (B) this is a waste of both our time and (C) I know how to say Good-Bye in about 4 languages. So youre welcome dear readerthat was my last favor to you.
[18] Writing tip: one should hope the final footnote is as clever and memorable as the rest. Otherwise a sour taste is left in the mouth of the reader. This, then, is an example of what not to do.</p>
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<p>Now for the real question: What would you Admin Officers do if this landed on your desk?</p>