“There’s a plan for you.”
“It’s because the route that you need to take isn’t that.”
“It’s how it’s meant to be.”
I know that they say these things to make me feel better, to provide me support and I really mean no disrespect when I type this (this is the reason why I am not saying it out loud), but I need to get it out.
The looming dates of acceptance and rejection letters impend. Days of rejoice or anguish whom which we regard as a toddler who is familiar with the idea of being burned but still yearns to feel the warmth of a flame. We are so cold, but the ferocious flames of the frightening bonfire are so bewitching and beguiling. It sings to us like sirens to sailors, promising elation and euphoria; however, we know it’s disillusioned delight that no doubt may decree we drop into despair and dejection.
I myself, in three days will have this experience. The one in which I sit at my computer, staring at an email from MIT, compelled to approach the flame for hope I can experience bliss meanwhile repelled by the possibility of burning alive.
If I am cast away, my dreams won’t be desolated nor destroyed. Simply the path that I take towards my happiness will be disturbed. People will tell me that it was “meant to be.” People will tell me they experienced it too, and that it was apart of a larger plan. But this the trick of the mind. And just like in Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken,” they later trick themselves. Just like he knows he will fool himself into believing that he choose his path because it was less traveled instead of a whim, they will believe that the path they traveled was because of some sort of fate. That it was meant to be.
There is no plan. Your fate is what you make it. I worked hard to get where I am. Telling me it’s all because of fate is equivalent to “your efforts mean nothing!” And it’s not because of fate. It’s not because the universe is testing you or trying to put you anywhere. If that was the case, the universe is sadistic.
Oh, so you wanted to test my emotional strength by having my mom tell me I was a mistake? That I ruined her life? That everything is my fault? That she should have aborted me?
Oh, so you wanted to teach me kindness by having me bullied and isolated my whole childhood?
Oh, so you wanted to teach me to be peaceful by having a family that kicks holes in walls, scream constantly, and hurl objects at each other?
Oh, so you wanted to teach me humility by having people abandon me when I need them the most?
Oh, so you wanted to teach me empathy by having me sexually assaulted when I was little, and be told it was my fault repeatedly by my mother?
Oh, so you wanted to teach me independence by having me raise myself? By supporting myself and my mother emotionally all my life?
And then you have the nerve to tell me it was all apart of your plan for me? That it was fate that I made it through everything. It wasn’t my own strength, it was already pre-written.
And what are you teaching the people who have it better? What are you teaching the people who have it worse? Why do they get different lessons?
It’s not fate. It’s situational. It’s luck. I have worked so hard to be where I am, and I was still not good enough to make it in. That’s on me. If I sat around thinking it was fate that put others in the situations worse than I am, I wouldn’t feel as bad for those people living everyday in misery. I wouldn’t understand their pain. “Why me?” they ask. Because the universe said so. But don’t worry, it’s all just apart of your fate. If I sat around thinking it was fate that put others in situations better than mine, I would be jealous and envious. Why the hell do they have a fate that makes things easier for them? Why do they get the fate of having both parents? Why do they deserve a loving family more than I do? Why do they deserve to be able to focus on activities, projects, and school instead of raising themselves? Why do they have the fate of being able to look more impressive on paper than I do? Why is it my fate to jump through hoops for everything? Why is it my fate that I can’t go to the same school as them? But I find solace in the fact that I have worked hard to be where I am. It’s not a choice of anything or anyone that I this is my life.
This is a message to all of you. Keep trying. Don’t diminish your efforts through saying, “It’s how it’s meant to be.” Keep going, because you are in control. And if you keep at it, you can do anything.
Sure, it isn’t fair and it’s harder. But it’s not our fates. If I want to got to MIT for their undergraduate research programs, then I have got to do more than walk on water. I guess I’ve got to swim on land. But, it isn’t fate. Because you can’t change fate. I will try and try and try. And that’s all I have done. I have not, I am not, and I will not giving up. And if it kills me, so be it. It’s my choice to die trying. But when I die, it’s not me giving up.
Life is effort and I’ll stop trying when I die.
