'm sorry for my broken English as I’m not a native English speaker.
I realized my daughter became unhappy after the first semester of her freshman year. She couldn’t focus during class, and didn’t know what the teachers were teaching. She had to spend a lot of time herself to re-read and re-read everything at home in order to keep up with the school work. Eventually she lost all her confidence and blamed herself for everything. She lost interest in everything, including life.
So I took her to see a psychiatrist. She was diagnosed with severe depression and social anxiety. The psychiatrist prescribed her medicine.
She goes to a private international school (catered for the expat family from the US) where most students will apply to colleges in the US. Now she is at the end of her junior year. With the help from the medicine, she gained her focus back. She tries very hard in front of her classmates and teachers, but still very depressed everyday. Recently, she told me that she wants to do homeschool in her senior year. I want to help my daughter to start homeschool but I don’t know how. We haven’t told her current school that she wants to do homeschool yet. I also don’t know if homeschool is the best option for her.
I read posts and threads about mental health and homeschool in this forum. I hope other parents who have the similar experience can give me their advice on homeschool and how homeschool will impact her college application.
Thank you!
One option is for her to take online classes. Perhaps you can work with her current school and see if she could take a class or two at the school, take online classes at an accredited school, and still get a diploma at her current school. This could be presented as an accommodation for mental health, with documentation.
I gather the current school is not in the US, so the Americans with Disabilities Act is not relevant and she cannot have a 504 plan. Here in the US, when one of my kids was sick, we combined online classes with the school teachers sending a packet home each day.
Here is an online school that our school actually joined so that 25 students could take a class each semester. They have AP classes and a wide variety of other offerings. https://vhslearning.org
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Your main concern should be getting your daughter healthy. If that means removing her from the school environment then you should do that.
As far as colleges go, are you sure sending her to college in the US is a good idea? It sounds like she has recurring problems that aren’t yet resolved. I’m not sure what about the school environment is bothering her, but if it’s academic or social pressures those things will be there in college too. In my opinion, you really shouldn’t be thinking about colleges in the US until she’s got her mental health back under control.
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It may be that your daughter is ready for college, instead of a home-schooled senior year. Is there some nearby college that she could attend, while living at home? That would be less socially stressful for her, she could take classes that are most interesting to her, and she could continue to have the security of living at home, while making forays into the outside world, but not be in the pressure cooker of high school.
Thank you @me29034 @compmom @parentologist for your comments!
I totally agree that my daughter’s mental health is the main thing I should focus on now. Anxiety affects many of us. People with less impact will be just shy. However, for people who are severely affected, it will impair your daily life unimaginably such as you won’t be able to bring yourself to order a hamburger over the counter or call to make a booking at a restaurant.
The interaction with her own peers’ age group gives my daughter a lot of anxiety. She said all of them are so smart, happy and talkative. They are nice kids. However, she feels that she is the dumbest. Everything that comes out from her mouth would sound stupid so she is afraid of speaking out. She lost her confidence totally and blamed herself for everything. She thinks nobody likes her at school. No matter how much I assure her that she is fine and whatever I told her, she didn’t believe me. Going to school everyday took a toll on her. She used all of her reserve to cope with her anxiety. She was afraid that she would be called on. All she could hear was her heartbeat in her ears. How can she learn in such a setting? Anxiety made her learning impossible, then not knowing what the class was doing made her anxiety worse like a vicious cycle.
She has been taking medicine for about one and half years. Her condition has improved, especially her focus ability. She can do homework, study and read a book without much problem as long as she is not in her depressed mood. Because of the Covid situation in our country, all students have been doing online school since January. Now she told me that she wants to try doing her senior year homeschool. Like @parentologist said, high school setting gives a feeling of a pressure cooker to my daughter. So I support her idea because I know it is very hard for her to heal if she keeps going back to the environment that gives her anxiety.
Her school is not in the US, but it is a private international school, American-style
college preparatory education where 50% of the students are from the US. Her school helped her to get an accommodation from the College Board and so she can take her AP and SAT with accommodation in May. Also all of her teachers understand that she should not be being called on during classes. It helps to establish a safer environment.
I scheduled a meeting with her school counselor tomorrow and we are going to raise the option for homeschooling at the meeting. I am not sure if our school can do what @compmom mentioned that schools in the US will do for sick students. I will surely mention this idea tomorrow. That could be the best scenario for my daughter and me because she can still get support from the teachers to finish high school in a more flexible and safe environment. If our school doesn’t offer such help, then maybe online school is the second best option for my daughter. However, there are so many online schools out there and we don’t know how to choose. I will update our situation after we’ve the discussion with our school counselor tomorrow.
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice!
So you will first see if teachers can send packages of work home? I would add that my kid was allowed to go in and out of school and got the package each day regardless.
Maybe also ask if the school will accept classes from vhslearning.org. Did you look at their course list? The school does not have to join. You can use them as an individual, and pay per course.
I would be very cautious about the idea of having her homeschool. It sounds as if she meets criteria for Social Anxiety Disorder (in addition to depression and generalized anxiety disorder.) When people have Social Anxiety Disorder, the temptation is to isolate at home to avoid the thing (socializing) that you are afraid of. And in the short term it does provide a sense of relief. But in the long term, the social anxiety just grows worse, because you are hiding rather than facing your fears.
For people with Social Anxiety Disorder, reassurance doesn’t help. You can say “I’m sure the kids at school like you fine” a million times, but it doesn’t help. Also unfocused talk therapy where you just talk about your feelings doesn’t help. What really works is specific therapy for social anxiety that uses the techniques of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and/or ERP (exposure and response prevention.) These techniques are very effective. I don’t know if you can find such a specialized therapist where you live, but it would be worth it. In the meantime, you can maybe buy a book. A book to help parents know how to help their kid is “Freeing your child from Anxiety” by Tamar Chansky. Maybe also books by Cathy Cresswell?
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The psychiatrist that my daughter seeing also talked about CBT techniques to my daughter before, but my daughter said it was no use. My daughter said he asks her a list of same questions (such as do you have suicidal thoughts…) every time which made her hate seeing him very much. She just gave him the same answers without really thinking. My daughter believes talking to him is not helping and she is against talking therapy and told me not to introduce any new doctor to her. But recently, she told me she is willing to try to talk to someone (although she still thinks it is no use). So I am going to bring her to see a psychologist next week. I hope something will change.
I know homeschool may not be the best solution. Everything @fiftyfifty1 mentioned is valid and is exactly what I am worried. But seeing my daughter being stuck in this situation made me want to believe homeschool is worth a try. I feel very sorry for my daughter because her school counselor changed every year. It’s so difficult for her to have a different person who is supposed to be her closest alliance to support her mentally and academically in school. So tomorrow we are going to meet with a new counselor as her current counselor will leave at the end of term. I will hear what he feels about homeschool or take a gap year. I will also ask him how he can support my daughter in the coming year. I couldn’t feel the heart of her current counselor who is going to leave. So if I am going to keep my daughter at school, I need to feel something about him that maybe it is worth another try. It’s so hard to have no regrets when being a parent. But I believe my daughter will be okay as long as I won’t give up.
@fiftyfifty1 , thank you for your book recommendation. I will read it.
@compmom, could you tell me more about the packages of work home? was it considered homeschool? how your kid learned by himself. He used the online class from vhslearning? Thanks!
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This is why I suggested college classes, while living at home. She can sit quietly without being called upon, there is no expectation of socializing, the way there is in high school, there is no social pressure, but she would at least be in a classroom, out of the house.
BTW, for this kind of social anxiety, medication can really help. I don’t know whether or not she has tried medication, but she needs to explore this with an MD who can prescribe for her. If she already has access to a psychiatrist, that is where to start. Explain to her that the questions that the psychiatrist is asking her at each visit are standard of care. It’s not that he is specifically suspicious that she is at very high risk of suicide.
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If you do decide to homeschool, make sure that there is still something that obligates her to get out of the house and interacting with others. For example a club, a job, volunteering with old people, etc.
Regarding the part where she feels certain the CBT techniques will not be effective, this feeling is normal. The good news is that you do not need to have faith that it will be effective, you just need to do the work. It is like any other type of practice. You can tell me you are sure you are not musically talented and could never play the piano. And it may be true that you are not the most musically talented. But if I made you do the work, EVERY DAY, of practicing piano for an hour, at the end of 2 years you would be able to play the piano. No, not a professional piano player, but able to play a number of songs that anyone could recognize.
Right now her social anxiety is the boss of her. It is bullying her and keeping her from living a normal and happy life. She needs to do the exercises and learn how to be stronger than her anxiety, so it can no longer boss her around and keep her from enjoying herself. She can do this, anybody can learn how, but she must do the work. It doesn’t happen overnight or in 1 week. You cannot play the piano in 1 week. She needs a therapist who understands these techniques and encourages her to work.
You are doing a great job trying to find help for your daughter. You are an excellent parent. Do not give up.
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My kid had a medical issue which fluctuated so she sometimes went to school, sometimes didn’t. Sometimes went in the morning and left early, or went in late. One important thing that we made sure of was that she still participated in music and theater, even if she didn’t go to school, which normally isn’t allowed. We had an understanding principal who understood the importance of those activities for her overall development, while academics could be done in other ways.
She did a combo of online classes and classes at school, which she kept going via the packages sent home each day. Since the packages were done each day (and given to the school nurse), teachers did not have to notice if she was there or not. The packages included materials from class, homework, notes if appropriate and quizzes and tests.
I did meet with a lawyer once, because the school could not come up with a solution to the situation for a kid who actually wanted to maximize time at school. Along the lines of what @fiftyfifty1 was saying, you might want to also think about maximizing time outside the house, to the extent tolerable.
I homeschooled my son for 6 months in middle school when he was bullied. He did activities entirely with adults, with whom always got along. Worked with a vernal pond team, tutored younger kids in math, and volunteered in the library. It strengthened him.
Has your daughter been diagnosed with ADHD or a learning challenge? It sounds possibly like a more complicated picture and hard to tell cart from horse. What meds is she on?
In later high school many teens go through a lot of mental health challenges as the big changed ahead start to loom. I just want you to know that very often things do work out.
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I was a long time homeschooling mom. I had to make tough choices for my kids’ mental health. For two it meant putting them in school to keep them busy and not stuck in their own depressing thoughts.
I also homeschooled one of my kids for a year who had been happy in public school until a terrible anxiety flare. Because her psychiatrist disagreed with our decision it was hard. But it turned out to be a good year for her. It strengthened her academics and gave her space to chill. Since she wasn’t very social naturally, it was tough to find outside activities she enjoyed, but we eventually landed on raising puppies for a service dog organization. The puppy kept her occupied at home and we had meetings, training events, presentations and socialization opportunities outside the home. It was really a confidence builder for my anxious child. Animal people are gentle people to spend time with.
When we were in a crisis, I was thankful for the options we had for each of my children and what I could do to for them as individuals. I don’t think there is one right answer but it helps to be flexible and try different things, even for an anxious kids.
I sympathize with what you are going through and I wish you the best.
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We had a great talk with my daughter’s new counselor. He sounded very supportive and understanding. He pointed out to us that taking a gap year or doing home learning could be even more challenging for my daughter and me as we wouldn’t have the support that we would have from the school teachers and him. In order to help my daughter to overcome her anxiety and learning challenge, he will let her teachers know that she is suffering from some mental health issues and gave all teachers a list of recommendations (the one in the Psychoeducational evaluation) to help support her moving forward.
The classes that my daughter will be doing in grade 12 are reasonably light and moderate workload. So my daughter said she is willing to try and see. I also reinforced to her the idea that she can take a break or something whenever she feels the stress is escalating. The counselor also said they will do their best to support when that happens.
My daughter is supposed to apply for colleges this fall. Over the past one and half years when she was struggling with anxiety and depression, she developed her passions in animation, graphic design and music composition. She self-taught herself, building block by block, reaching out to the online communities where a lot of talented artists share their skills and experience. She is keeping a very humble portfolio of her works and projects she has done for her school and herself. So my daughter would want to try to see if she can apply to colleges and universities in the US where she can do more of those things she likes. Living a life of a normal college student and being around a new and strange environment is both a luxury and challenge for her that she is not sure if she will be up for it now. Her counselor encouraged her to apply first. Then to see if she can get any offers. Even if she does, she can try to ask for a year deferment if she feels she is not ready later.
So I guess my next step is to do some research on the colleges and universities that fit her needs. One thing I realized and still trying is I can’t be too excited when I see a little progress she makes. I also cannot be discouraged when lights drained out from her eyes. I need to prepare myself to give her advice and insights when she needs them. Finally, the hardest of all is I need to be patience when she needs the distance and space. 
I would appreciate it if anyone can recommend some good colleges for me to look at. I found threads and topics in CC about schools for art and design or film animation. But I wonder if those schools are too competitive? Are there colleges that have good caring programs for students who need mental health support?
Thank you so much!
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@MACmiracle, thank you so much for sharing your home school’s experience. I have been thinking about getting a puppy for a long time. I haven’t put it in an action because I already have three cats at home. When my daughter is sad, she will hug them. She said their companionship does make her feel better. However, cats don’t leave home. I really wish my daughter can go out to take a walk more. There are a lot trails around where we live. It’s so difficult to make my daughter to just take a walk. She said I don’t understand her. She said she can’t do it.
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Wise words: give yourself a few years to get there!
One thing I realized and still trying is I can’t be too excited when I see a little progress she makes. I also cannot be discouraged when lights drained out from her eyes. I need to prepare myself to give her advice and insights when she needs them. Finally, the hardest of all is I need to be patience when she needs the distance and space
I am glad she is going to try school. Perhaps the counselor can help set up a 504 plan (the principal usually does this at the school end) so that she can leave if she needs to, but the plan could maximize her engagement with life.
I have seen a college student with a cat at college btw. Single room with cat!
As for colleges to look at, check the Colleges that Change Lives website. Since she likes animation/art and music, she might do better at a small liberal arts college versus art school, though others can chime in on this. Bennington, Sarah Lawrence, Skidmore, Vassar and many many others might fit. If she really focuses on one area, like graphic design and animation, she could consider an art school as well. State U’s and colleges are another option to look into, especially if there is one close to home.
Think about and eventually ask her how far from home she want to be, since support from home in early undergrad years is helpful with the transition for many.
The counselor sounds great - so happy to hear that she will be attending school. I’d be looking for schools not far from home.
About the dog issue. Consider getting an adult rescue dog. That way you can test the personality, and find out if it’s tolerant of cats. It definitely helps with depression to have to get out and walk a dog twice a day, but it might not be possible for her to take a dog to school with her, although you could get it emotional support certified.