@takacatboy - Yes, I do think you and my D have much in common. That’s why I’ve taken such interest in your situation and feel like I understand some of your issues and concerns – and why I am writing treatises on the subject.
D had applied (and gotten into) to many of the schools you’ve mentioned (including HYPS, Wash U, USC, Vandy, Rice, U. Chicago, Bryn Mawr, Grinnell, Duke, UVA, and Davidson). She had been very thoughtful and thorough in her research. Ultimately, like you, her main criterion was that she wanted to be with really bright kids in a highly intellectual environment with students that are passionate about learning (she had done TASP the summer before and loved that experience. More than anything, she wanted to replicate it). Her other criterion is that she was looking for merit, but ultimately, we made a decision as a family to forgo that for HYP or S if indeed she felt one of those would be a much better fit. It turned out – much to our surprise (and delight) that Stanford was a really good fit, which is funny because D hadn’t seriously thought about it as an option because a) she assumed she wouldn’t get in, and b) she assumed that it would be overly tech-y/entrepreneurial and that the humanities would be disparaged there. She has not found that to be the case at all; then again, SLE might be a bit of a bubble. But it’s a pretty amazing bubble. FWIW, my husband – a professor in the Social Sciences – contacted a couple of Stanford profs to get their take on the humanities at Stanford versus Yale (her two top choices). What he was told – and this does seem to be the case – is that yes, the school does have a very techy bent, but many kids majoring in STEM fields are doing so not because it’s their passion, but because feel a lot of parental pressure go that route and that they are not so happy about it. In contrast, the kids that are choosing the humanities seem much happier, that there is a lot of faculty support, and there is a lot of solidarity among the students. This certainly matches what my D has perceived thus far.)
Stanford also has a more quirky irreverent vibe than HYP or U.Chicago, which may or may not appeal to you. But if you’re looking for smart kids, you’ll find them there. Or at most of the schools you’ve got on your list for that matter. Having said that, D did find a qualitative difference in the level of intellectualism among students at H, Y, P, S, UChicago versus some/most of the other schools; she got the impression that the kids at Yale, Stanford and UChicago (she ended up not visiting Princeton or Harvard) were brilliant, and she felt that there was a higher degree of intellectualism there as compared with schools like Vandy, Rice, and Wash U where she thought the kids were really smart but the level of intellectualism was just a notch lower. And, like you, it was not about the prestige, it was about finding like-minded peers.
I didn’t get a too-sporty vibe from Davidson, but my D was in it for the Belk full-ride (she was a finalist, but it was a relief that she didn’t get it as it would have been tough to turn down). It was a lovely school, but I think that it may lack the level of intellectualism you seek. Swarthmore would likely have it. Carleton too.
The other question I have for you is whether you want and LAC or a research Uni. You seem to lean in both directions (I wouldn’t expect someone to have both U. Michigan and Swarthmore on their list, for example). Ultimately, my D felt that LACs would be too limiting in terms of course offerings and faculty (if there are only a handful of faculty in your area of interest and you don’t like one or two of them, you’re kinda screwed.). D didn’t apply to UT Austin – too big and “open carry” were big turn-offs.
As for your gap year, it sounds like you’ve matured quite a bit and are have been having some amazing experiences, so don’t look back.`That said, as I mentioned before, if you really think that Yale would be a good fit and that you made a mistake by turning it down, you have nothing to lose by contacting them, re-applying and explaining your circumstances. And there’s nothing stopping you from re-applying to Princeton while you’re at it.
As for my brother, sadly, he’s got some pretty major issues that he will never recover from. I hope your brother fares better (and, given his age, your brother’s prognosis may be better than mine, who was ca. 60 when it happened).