My D in a STEM profession, who needed to meet people after a long term relationship broke off found it at a cross fit gym. I know cross fit gets a lot of criticism but for young people who don’t meet people the traditional way, it was a life saver for her. She might want to look and see if they have special rates for students. Also if they have a introductory course to learn the basic techniques.
Other places to look (sorry most of these are fitness related). Running groups through local running store. Mine does a series to train for a race. Lululemon has free meet ups for fitness classes on Saturdays. Mine will feature a local place. (The last time my D went, lululemon offered 25% off for all who attended, can’t say that would be a given but you never know). I know a friend of hers joined a volleyball league. There are always softball leagues and bowling leagues.
My D who is not outgoing and is pretty shy found that she really had to put herself out. It wasn’t easy but she likes to cook so she would organize “girls nights”. She didn’t know these girls very well but found that when asked, people were pretty receptive. She asked girls out to the newest Asian restaurant. It didn’t matter if the girls were attached or not.
She was not interested in meeting boys but girls to do stuff with. She never did this but don’t they have bumble for friends?
ShawSon is completing two grad degrees – one STEM and one MBA. The STEM one was mostly male, but they would socialize with a group of females in various field who were friend with the females in his STEM program (which meant that they were predominantly Asian). He found a GF among the group of friends and they collectively are “Community Advisers” in a grad dorm. ShawSon said their job is to set up events to cause people in different grad programs to meet each other. Are there events like that at her school? He has also gone on skiing trips and led backpacking trips. I suspect on all of those, people could meet others. He also plays intramural and pickup basketball – I suggested this as he is an OK but not great athlete but is 6’4" with broad shoulders – and he met people he would not otherwise have met. The MBA program involves a lot of socializing – if she can meet people in the MBA program and get invited along to things they do, she will meet lots of folks.
I played a minor varsity sport in college and in my first grad school worked out with the undergraduate team (they were better than I was) and played in AAU tournaments until I hurt my knee. (Fun fact, I just saw a youtube video with a legendary coach from my undergraduate program who led the program for many years but started after I graduated mentioned me several times and referred to me as a good player, which warmed the cockles of my heart as I was OK but not that good). Second fun fact, my first grad school was at the same university that ShawSon now attends. I also played pickup basketball and played against the defensive backfield and receivers of the university’s football team including at least one guy who played in the NFL. By playing, I made a number of undergraduate friends there – wow were they much better than I was – but again I was meeting new people I would otherwise never have met. From that era, I think I only talk to one that I can think of 35 years later. But, if I’d stayed longer, things might be different.
In my second grad school, I signed up to be a non-resident advisor in an undergraduate dorm. At a gathering of the non-resident advisors, I met someone who has become one of my closest friends. I was assigned a shared office in an honorary society with another guy in a different field (albeit related) who became another of my closest friends as well as co-author and business partner. We introduced him to his wife at our wedding – although somehow that still makes her a little insecure. But, I’m heading over to his house for the Super Bowl. I also played squash – it was Ivy – and met a number of folks through squash – both undergrad and grad. One of the undergrads kept inviting me to parties at women’s colleges. Mostly short-term (very short-term sometimes) relationships, no GFs. I see him periodically when I visit LA. I went to parties of friends in other departments and met people there, with whom I became friends, some of whom I still see now.
Anyway,a few thoughts. First, no reason for her to be dismissive of undergrads. I remain friends and met people through them. Second, even if the activities aren’t great, she might find some activities that have interesting people. Third, sports or fitness was effective for me and my son. Fourth, being pretty aggressive about attending events and parties with people in other fields can work.
I hope this isn’t just idiosyncratic but is helpful.
I’m repeating an earlier posters comment because I thought it was such a good one. That is, to attend presentations in related departments. I believe food is usually served and one gets to meet other grad students.
As mentioned, my son joined structured events, like a book club, a bike club, the ski trip.
Could your daughter join others going out for lunch or dinner? Sometimes one meets their friends. Either way, going out with a group can diminish the dating component.
Sounds like it is not just the grad situation but that so many around her appear to be in the coupling-off stage. In my experience, if guys at that stage are looking to mate, they are looking to mate and „just as friends, right?“ won’t work no way no how. Not being willing or able to participate, for whatever reason, can make for a progressively lonelier life. I would not bother to look for male friends at that stage, no matter how much she may have enjoyed male friendships at her college, and limit myself to strictly look for female companionship. Even getting too close to married or otherwise established couples can be risky IMO, as the woman can be moved to break things off if she feels there is too much interest between her and the guy (I don’t mean necessarily on her side!) no matter how innocuous it appears to your D.
I second the idea of trying to find a choir, and some low threshold exercise, and otherwise having to do the work of trying out on and off campus stuff to find women her age who she clicks with. It is hard labour for an introvert, I know.
Interesting that the presence of grad housing and activities might turn out to be so crucial to ones wellbeing. Something to look for when taking decisions…I remember looking at the grad housing at a university I was thinking of going to for a PhD and thinking that a lot of it looked dreary and the grad students looked unhappy and lonely.
That is silly. My kid has had male friends at all stages of her life. I have male friends now as an adult. She is in an environment (course wise, at least) that is over 90% male. Of course she wants female friends, too, but she really is interested in and will continue to pursue male friends.
I don’t think she is miserable. But she knows from the past that she could have more and closer friends than she has right now.
Is there a Graduate Student organization? I put myself up as GRO rep from our engineering department (believe me, nobody else was all that interested) and got involved with women from outside my department. We put on a women in film series that introduced me to non-STEM women. I also got involved with the college tutoring project where we worked with kids that came to campus a couple of afternoons per week, although I don’t think that really led to good friends.
If she is looking to meet people through volunteering, she would want to pick activities in which she will interact with others, rather than one where she is the only volunteer present.
If there are some clubs that are of interest, I would urge her to try as she may meet some great women, even if they are bit younger.
@intparent note that I referred to young people at a particular stage in life (you and I are long past it, I’m afraid. No, actually I am glad really I’m past this). Roughly mid twenties, though I suspect the exact timing may be cultural and vary depending on your environment but I have observed this in more places and countries than one. It was perfectly easy and possible to make male friends before this, and perfectly possible after, but there was a time when the same „misunderstanding“ (wilful denial, rather) came up again and again and again. I found it stressful. It appears that your D finds it a least a little stressful. The solution appeared to be to either always exclusively socialise in couples (which I find annoying to this day) or in groups or only with women friends, until this stage was finally over and people were more relaxed again, willing to take „I’m not interested“ signals at face value.
I‘m sorry if you find this silly thinking. I’m not even sure how it would be helpful for your D. I just know that understanding this shift in thinking in the people around me earlier, realising that knowing and saying I wasn’t interested simply wasn’t enough might have spared me some bad drama.
I had plenty of male friends in grad school. Some (including me) had significant others at times and some times there was mild flirting, but we were certainly able to keep it in the friend zone. Never had a real issue. Disagree that it is not possible.
My D had a rough time finding friends originally in her tiny grad program in a small town. It was her and 5 guys, two of whom were Moslem from Africa and married. She did end up socializing with undergrads on a sports team to an extent, but involvement kept her from feeling too lonely. Hillel was too many undergrads. Personally I am a big fan of UU congregations but had a no in that quarter as well. This was an MA program, also in cornfields. What eventually worked is that there was an influx of new students the second year, including another female. In that process of doing research and accepting the newbies, she became closer to the guys in the program, and the dynamic was far more fun and sociable the second year. So…give it a bit more time.
mine is a 2017 grad from a women’s college in Mass. and now is in phd program at a university in Conn. she lives off campus and shares a house with other grad students that she didn’t know upon move in. they are all rather serious. It was difficult at first, she went from all her friends all the time and the next week was beginning research with her new advisor. she has made friends with her office mates, they do social things. She has told me that it is difficult to meet people out of the department and that there are only a few females, and most of the males are not socially handicapped. She does know some of her alums at the school, yet there just isn’t much time to devote to friendships. I did post her at CC earlier in her college search and found this to be a really helpful site. I lost my user id along the way…
Several musician friends have used meet up to find people to play with. Just playing on a Saturday night. Not even in an urban area! A few even formed a real band!
Plenty of good advice here. I love @mom2and’s becoming a rep on the Graduate Student Organization. And, making friends just does take time per greatlakesmom’s suggestion. But, I think making situational friends (perhaps some of the folks the OP’s daughter doesn’t find much in common with) and then meeting their friends is probably a good way to find friends.
I’m late to this party and haven’t read every post but I find myself a little puzzled about what need/ desire intparent’s daughter is trying to fulfill. Is she lonely? Bored? Looking for a distraction from the rigors of her program. Is she experiencing the desire for more emotional intimacy in her life. Does she find herself with few people she can confide in. Does Sunday night (fill in any day here) find her with nothing to do and no one to call?
If she can zero in on the problem she’s trying to solve, it might be easier for her to find a solution. My absolutely best friend continues to be a woman In my program who was married while the rest of our class was single. The marriage didn’t stop us from doing things together and becoming close. I had a single apartment and went out of my way to meet my neighbors. My point being… it isn’t hard to meet people. For me, the hard part was moving the acquaintanceships to friendships. Perhaps she is wishing to have deeper friendships than she’s thus far been able to nurture.
Honestly, she went to a tech school with a lot of whip smart and interesting people. She found people like herself – quirky, bright, and with a lot of varied interests. Maybe she was spoiled by this cluster in her undergrad world. The people she’s met in grad school are mostly perfectly nice – but not her “tribe”. She just needs to get out and meet more people in her grad school communitry, I think.
Maybe part of it is realizing that out in the world, not everyone is “whip-smart,” or displays whip-sharp wit all the time. That doesn’t mean they have nothing to offer, and wouldn’t be fun people to know and to hang with, or that they’re not slow-burn-smart for that matter. Also, I think, if you are talking about PhD program graduate students, they learn quickly not to spout off about things they haven’t thoroughly researched, so that may make people seem less whip-smart than might actually be the case.
This underscores the idea of trying to hang with some law students. In general, they love being whip-smart, and practice a lot. (But few of them are techies.)
She has gone out of her way to be friendly with everyone in her major, and socialized with them often. She likes them okay. But I’m guessing that there are people more like her out in the general grad student population of her school. She’s been reading the thread (hi, kid! :-h ), and has seen a few suggestions she’d be interested in trying.
My D met a group of people who became good friends when she joined a coed community (not university) softball team. Your D runs. Perhaps there is a running club in her town
Through the softball team, she met similar age young people, some of whom had graduate degrees, many who did not, and none who were currently in grad school. One of those friends had finished his MS and was working in this small college town. They finally began dating.
Good point. When D1 moved to finish her Ph.D in another state (her advisor at the first grad school accepted a job in Australia right as she was obtaining her MS in a 5 year Ph.D program-he was the only reason she had chosen that school, so she transferred to another school with better resources and ranking), her SO came with her, as he can work remotely and is not tied to any one location. This is great for her, since she has been interviewing all over the country for her post dissertation internship. This would not have been possible if they had both been in grad school on the same track at grad school #1.