Maybe when he was mature enough to figure out that the Tuohys’ relationship was much more transactional than he perceived when he was living with them, he felt betrayed. He was a kid when they took him in.
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Do you think the Tuohy’s should not have intervened in Michael’s life and just let it play out?
Would it be better for people to avoid the stereotype behavior?
I always thought what the did was admirable but with the judgement not sure.
He was 18. And he was 30-35ish when he wrote his books.
What do you think the Tuohys did to be considered transactional? They took him into their home, got him through high school and into college and continued to support him both financially and emotionally for the next 5 years until he signed an NFL contract.
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How about placing him under a conservatorship for the sole purpose of getting him into their alma mater to play football?
How about enrolling him in a series of sketchy online fluff courses to get his gpa up for the same purpose?
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So it would have been better for them to do nothing for him? Without the fluff classes he would have failed out of school and probably not graduated nor been eligible to enroll in any college.
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Yep, they could have left him (literally) in the cold and not helped him at all, not invited him to stay with them rather than couch surf for another year. They could have let him leave hs without a diploma and not have a football career.
He’s not complaining about the help they gave him to get into school, including the conservatorship. He’s claiming they should have given him more, adopted him, got a better deal for the book and movie. He has said over and over it was his choice to go to Ole Miss and because the Tuohys were boosters and they’d already given him help before anyone even knew he’d go to college (paying for his lunches and clothing before he lived with them) the only way he could go to Ole Miss is if they did something to make the nCAA happy. By the time he applied to colleges, the Tuohys had already been giving him too much help to ignore the booster rules.
Read his books. He had other options but chose Ole Miss for several reasons, including that it was close to Memphis, his friend was going there, Collins Tuohy was going there, Miss Sue his tutor was going to work there.
He’s not disputing that he wanted Ole Miss and that it was the right school for him.
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I was thinking about this. I think the Tuohys were not educated in the care and emotional feeding of a kid (and at 18 he was a kid) who was desperate to bond with people who would take care of him physically and emotionally, which his mother knew she was not. I think had they known more, there may have been more nuance in how they treated him and explained themselves along the way.
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Helping Michael in high school and beyond seems very kind and generous of the Tuohys. The book, movie, public speaking, and foundation after feels exploitive of the relationship. I know that they didn’t write the book and probably couldn’t have prevented it, but they could have chosen not to cooperate or benefit from it. And I can fully imagine that they thought their story would encourage others to help kids in need like Michael. It just does feel a little icky when you think of Michael as a full person who contributed equally to the relationship because of his own gifts and personhood, not just as someone who needed saving. And I think he did think they saw him that way until they made their relationship with him into a cause that also benefits them financially. Human relationships are complicated enough when money isn’t part of it.
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I didn’t write that. I answered @twoinanddone’s question, which I quoted so as to avoid any confusion about what I was addressing. IMO, those are examples of things the Tuohys did which were transactional.
Do you disagree?
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Yea it all boggles the mind. He won in this deal. He got life.
It’s horrible they are no longer together - family, friends, whatever.
I do disagree because he was fully supportive of the book, movie, and speaking tour. As I said in an earlier post I went to a lunch where he and Leann were speaking. He was a grown man so the 18 yr old naive kid was gone.
It is easy to look back and say they should have, could have, etc etc. But I have to think when he was 16/17 they really did just want to help him out… regardless of race, athletic potential, or anything else. My opinion of course.
I see this point of view, especially the (ongoing) public speaking for $ part.
Big picture this whole situation has decreased the willingness of some adults (especially those who are affluent and white) to become involved/help (whatever words one wants to use) low income students of color directly or via non-profits for fear of being accused of having a white savior complex.
If it makes future “saviors” educate themselves on the emotional needs of the young person they are helping, so much the better.
I know that for myself, each stage of my (one and only) daughter’s life led to revelations about myself and my parents. Of course I know they did the best they knew how, but…
It’s possible that very strong feelings arose in Michael Oher as his kids grew up, feelings he didn’t have while it was going on for him. Or not–I am not his therapist or confidante but it occurred to me that these feelings arose at this time and not before. In any event, of course I wish them all well! Not that my wishes have any bearing on their lives.
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I don’t disagree. But what I am seeing, many have just stopped, sadly. That’s probably not better.
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So fewer coaches/big-time-boosters are out there looking for giant, talented kids to help? I find that hard to believe…
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So the only case in which white people might have considered helping a poor, homeless black kid is if they are a “giant, talented” NFL prospect?
A good example is Big Brother, Big Sister where participation has collapsed in recent years, down from 150K served in 2017 to 136K in 2019 and 94K in 2021 (most recent available). The pandemic clearly affected the 2020-21 figures, but it was already in a downwards trend before that. “White savior” language won’t help it to recover, because the organization acknowledges that most volunteers are white:
“typically about 90% of the young people we serve are from minority populations (mainly Hispanic and African-American), while nearly 70% of our volunteers are Caucasian. So about 450 of the young people on our waiting list are boys and young men of color.”
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I do think it is unusual for people to give the support the Tuohy’s did. It is one thing to donate $$ but quite another to take an unknown kid, from a troubled background, into your house and life. There was no way they could have known the future for this young man. It was a huge step of faith for them. They supported him not only his last year in high school but throughout college. He probably spent Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays etc with their family.
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I would really appreciate if those posting here would stop mischaracterizing what I write. Many people try to help others without regard to their potential ability to play DI football at the benefactor’s alma mater, and will continue to do so.
But if Oher wasn’t an athletic talent, the head high school football coach (who parlayed his connection to Oher into a career) would never have worked so hard to get him into the school where he otherwise was not academically qualified. That’s the reality of that particular situation, and my guess is that coaches will continue with such behavior.
Likewise, If Oher wasn’t an athletic talent, Touhy (the asst. football coach and a huge Ole Miss booster) would have never placed him in a phony conservatorship or enrolled him in the fluff course to get him eligible to play football for Ole Miss.
IMO, ignoring all that while drawing broad generalizations about how charitable will people behave going forward distorts the reality. In other words, there are reasons people are skeptical in this situation that do not apply to all charitable situations.
I’m sorry but this just isn’t accurate. They set up the phony conservatorship for the specific purpose of arranging for him to be able to play football at Ole Miss. Likewise regarding the fluff classes online classes to manipulate his grade point average. They not only knew he could play for Ole Miss, they went to great lengths to make it happen.
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Do you have different experience in terms of what you are seeing?
I am seeing what @twoin18 described. As I have mentioned, I have worked with low ses athletes of color for the last 6 years. The foundation I volunteered at (for a short time I was part of Americorps so was paid a small stipend) is closing up shop, it had been around for about 20 years. This foundation has helped multiple kids go to college, and more than a dozen played their sport professionally. The foundation can’t get people to donate $, nor people to to fill rolls such as I did in areas like college counseling. It takes a village to help these students, and some of those in that village are putting their time and money elsewhere. Part of the reason is because of white savior issues/criticism. And just to be clear about my background…I was a first gen two sport college athlete who also had to work during college. Does the fact that I am white (and affluent now) mean I don’t know what these kids need or how to help them? I think not, but many don’t see it that way.
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Right, but they didn’t know he would be successful in college, or the NFL. At all. There are many 4 and 5 star recruits who never make an impact in college, let alone make the jump to the NFL.
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