I wonder if a current or past student could explain this “tradition” in more detail (i.e., it’s ethos, frequency, etc.). My understanding is the the “game” is to sit around a table in the dining hall and “compete” by telling each other how much work you have and how impossible it is to do it all, or finish it on time, etc. I gather, then, that the winner is the person deemed to have the most miserable predicament. Ok. On its face it might seem like a rather benign form of commiseration and, hence, support…a quirky tradition if you will. But from where I sit as a parent of a prospective student, it seems like it might be something quite unhealthy.
From my outsider point of view, it frankly strikes me as the consummate form of self-indulgent narcissism. On our visit to Swarthmore, students boasted about not talking about grades on tests, etc., because doing so did not foster the right kind of climate from which true scholarship emerges. I kind of liked this when I heard about it, although I think it is perfectly normal to confide in a friend if you didn’t end up with the grade you had hoped to get. In any event, while Swatties find talking about grades antithetical to true scholarship, they then, in their most public forum, engage in a “who has it the worst” exercise? Again, as an outsider to this, it simply strikes me as the ultimate form of elitism. That is, not only are we the smartest and most enlightened, but we sacrifice ourselves so much for the greater good of true scholarship that, in the end, we are also the most miserable. Really? Please.
Not sure I want my kid caught up in this form of scholarship. Can someone help me understand what I might be missing here? I know full well that it is difficult to fully understand without being part of it, but I also know that the rationale of “you can’t understand it until you are part of it” is the same sort of tautological reasoning put forth to justify all sorts of boorish behaviors. I am truly open to hearing how this tradition works, and works well. Thanks!
Our student has never mentioned misery poker. After reading your post, I decided to search CC for other mentions. I was surprised that my search turned up pages of hits, almost all of which referred to Swarthmore.
I understand why you might consider misery poker unhealthy. I wonder whether this activity encourages students to see themselves as victims. That would be unfortunate.
At my high school, we similarly compare our “misery,” though it’s not really a fully-formed tradition. I don’t think it’s bad at all, because it helps us laugh off all our stress. (My high school is well known for its heavy work-load and students who go to sleep at 3 am every night.) If you engage in “misery poker” comically, it’s not at all a bad thing.
@coase@strawberry3 Thank you for your comments. I can more than appreciate laughing off stress. After all, I think laughter is the best medicine for mental health anyway.
But let me clarify the basis of my concern a bit further. I am no stranger to the “misery” that comes with the pursuit of excellence, nor is the rest of my family. I am a physician, my spouse is a tenured faculty member, we have a child in medical school, one in college and planning on pursuing a PhD, and our youngest venturing to college next year. We are a family of high achievers, and one might comically refer to us as Les Miserable.
Yet I think the greatest gift we have given our children is to never take what you do so seriously that you lose yourself or the reason why you are pursuing your goal. If you do, it is not worth it. Learn to work hard, play hard. Learn to not take yourself or what you are doing so seriously that you forget a) there are those who are truly in misery, and you are not one of them, and b) you turn into some misguided cynic who doesn’t ever learn to be happy in life. I have seen far too many casualties among my professional peers because they lost sight of those key points. So, you see, I do not view myself as some overly zealous helicopter parent (nor did either of you imply it either, thank you!). I am just wanting to feel confident that if my child is offered admission to Swarthmore, that there is a culture there that indeed knows how to have good time; how not to take themselves too seriously; and how to keep things in proper perspective. I, too, looked up misery poker before my original post, and much of what I saw prompted my concern. I certainly hope that misery poker isn’t the central form of stress relief or fun at Swarthmore, as constant commiseration like that is, no matter how fun it may seem at times, an exercise in negativity.
@willjam,
I am the parent of two Swarthmore grads. I never heard them talk about “misery poker,” but I just went downstairs to talk to one of them who happens to be home for a visit. He said that what you read about consists of simple stuff like someone will complain about deadlines and what they have to finish and someone else will chime in, “me too.” He believes it’s no different than the general complaining that goes on at any school. He would absolutely not call what he saw for 4 years “misery poker.” Someone invented that phrase for Swarthmore and it just stuck. 8-| I can tell you that between my two grads, they had majors/minors in Political science, biology, theatre and history. They participated in a cappella groups, volunteer work, a religious organization, tour guiding, club sports, orchestra, research. (They both didn’t do all of those things!) They did both take advantage of the Honors Program, too. If you met them, I think you would find them both to be likable, well-adjusted young men.
Thank you so much for taking the time to ask your son and to post your very helpful response! As I read your post I quasi-imagined one of my kids providing me a matter of fact explanation to something that made good sense and put things in a broader perspective. My child loved Swarthmore on the visit and is specifically wanting a smaller school. Knowing that your boys loved it there and are doing so well was heartening to hear. Please thank your son for his input as well!
Everyone gets over misery poker after freshman year. I think its the transition to college that makes people stressed out, so after a while people learn how to deal with deadlines and assignments and not worry too much about them.
