My roommate is one of my best friends but we’be run into some issues. She drinks a lot, smokes weed constantly (which btw means she’s up late coming in laughing until around 2am making it hard to sleep), and her boyfriend has been an issue. We’ve spoken with the R.A. in a mediated conversation and she hasn’t upheld a single rule. She keeps alcohol in the room all the time even though she agreed not to, gave the room code out twice even thought she agreed not to do that, never warns us when her boyfriend is in the room (he’ll be in here when I’m asleep) and overall ignores what I tell her makes me uncomfortable
But she can’t stand most people. So when i move out, someone else obviously takes my place and she has already expressed a hatred for that. She’s told me time and time again how much she loves me and how much she needs me and within the last few weeks has broken rules or done something she knows makes me uncomfortable
it’s hard to tell her since she has her moments of being so much fun and so good to me… Idk how to tell her I’m moving out (I’ve confirmed it with Res Life). Any advice?
You just have to tell her to SAVE your friendship, you have to move out. Maybe agree to meet one night a week for dinner in the cafeteria or to a coffee date to reform your friendship.
You are showing much more sensitivity and kindness than she is. This is not easy, but adding one more voice to the “tell her soon”, but matter-of-factly. Couch the negative between two positives, like “I value our friendship, and with my arranging to move to a different room, our time together can be more positive”. Be prepared for pushback/guilt induction and have the RA ready to address that. Good luck.
Well you learned a cardinal rule…never live with someone that is a good friend since it seems to always end this way. You think you know someone but actually you don’t. Tell her before your tests so it sinks in. So soon as suggested is best. Maybe talk to housing or RA for the best approach. Remember you are doing it to save your friendship not in spite of it. You are doing the right thing.
I wouldn’t call this person a good friend. Not if there’s no respect coming your way and you’re the one enduring her habits and wants. This is not about “moments.” Good for you, for recognizing this. It’s a life lesson.
Say it and don’t worry. If the friendship is real and strong, it will continue. If she whines or protests how much she loves you, “this is about my schoolwork.”
Tell her today if you haven’t already. When I lived in an apartment, I had decided 6 months before the end of my agreement that I would be moving. I was going to give my roommate lots of notice - a couple of months at least. But she found out on her own and it was awkward.
You can say “I am moving out on (date) because this living situation is stressing me out and I need to take care of myself.” You don’t need to provide any other reasons or get into a discussion with her. Your roomate sounds toxic so your decision is a good one. Good luck.
Interesting, because your post is all about your friend. Time to put you first. Your friend is selfish and inconsiderate. Your friend doesn’t value your friendship enough to respect you. Sorry to be blunt, but I think you tell her like it is. “We’ve tried everything, but you aren’t sticking to what we agreed on. I want to hang out with you, but I am not happy living with you.” I think you are more concerned about upsetting her than you should be. If she breaks off the friendship, then she’s definitely not the friend you thought she was.
I would wait until the last minute so she doesn’t harangue you. . “hey, I wanted to let you know I will be moving out…you want an environment where you can drink/do pot /stay up/have your boyfriend over and I understand, but that is not what I want. So I am going to leave you to it. But if I can’t be your roommate, I still want to be your friend. I will be staying over in Beecham house. Let’s get together when we get back from Xmas break.”
If she says " but i want you as a roommate! I will hate anybody else"
You say “But unfortunately not enough to adhere to the rules we agreed on. Have a good break and see you next year!”
This is her trying to control you…she keeps violating rules but is manipulating you to stay so she won’t get a new roommate. She can’t stand people perhaps because they stand up to her.
You are realizing that you have to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. This is good!
She has to live with the consequences of her actions…I also wonder how well she is doing in school.
Are you moving out before the end of the semester or after classes are over? If it’s at the end of the semester then I’d wait until after finals to say anything. If it’s before the end of the semester then I’d wait until a day or two before you leave.
You don’t have to give her an explanation. Good friends don’t treat each other the way she treats you, but you don’t need to go into that again right now. I would just tell her a new room has become available and you’ve decided to take it. If she asks why, just tell her you want to try something new. Don’t get dragged into conversations about previous disagreements or how much she “loves” you. If you give her reasons that opens the door to discussion and will give her an opportunity to argue against them. In the future, avoid people who don’t treat you well in general but “have their moments” of being nice. People who are truly nice don’t act that way.
She’s making your life miserable enough now, don’t make it worse for yourself during finals. Tell her after finals. Maybe even write your thoughts down and put it in a card. Personally, I don’t think she deserves that, nor is she a true friend, but you seem to want to continue some type of relationship and you have been very generous.
