My common app essay.

College Essays
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This is my common app essay for Yale University. I am looking forward to any suggestion for improving my essay. I know it’s about the personal tragedy but for me, it was a life changing experience. I would welcome the suggestion on the flow of the essay. As a stranger, does my essay helps you to portray me in front of you? Does it provide an insight of the kind of person I am? Every possible suggestion is welcome whether about improving sentence structure and vocabulary.

                                                                                         “The Journey”

First year, you think about it every day. You relive it. Doesn’t matter what you do. You can’t get it out of your head. People tell you it’s part of God’s plan. Maybe they’re right, but it doesn’t stop you from wanting to punch them in the face every time they say it. Then time passes, two, three years. Maybe you even start to feel normal. Maybe you start to believe that maybe this thing won’t actually scar you for the rest of your life. But then one day, something reminds you. A song, a smell or the day of Raksha Bandhan. And it touches that nerve, and all of a sudden, it’s the day you got that news all over again.

Entering high school, I would spend hours at a time talking through my memories with my sister. In her absence, my home felt empty. I tried to escape this feeling, but it chased me everywhere. Every subsequent day, my social zone shrank. My footprints marked only the path of school to home. I never realized before that the bond of love we shared was so strong that, even though she is not on the other side to hold it, the bond remains standing firm.

Throughout the sophomore year, I began talking to others about ideas that fascinated me, like astronomy and quantum mechanics, rather than frantically searching for common ground. I quit debate, having realized that I largely participated in it for the status it brought me, and instead joined badminton because I genuinely enjoy the sport. I started looking for trustworthy friends with whom I could share my daily life, but I fell short in that part of my life. Sophomore year of the high school paid off as I started gaining the friends that I wished to have during my freshman year. The basis of my friendships shifted from seeking validation to mutual, genuine respect.

High school was my escape from mundane routines; it was my exploration of another side of life. The vibrancy of the school walls resonated with my enthusiasm. Over the years, those rooms had served as my solace. Through supportive sharing circles, there had developed an atmosphere in which my only competition came from the internal drive to succeed. Taking notice of my classmates’ creations, I was inspired by their imagination and originality. I strive to produce pieces of interest; my pride drew simply from my own accomplishments. A strength of mine since childhood, my ability to spark interest, develops with my continued involvement in Physics. I credit my physics class for the hours I pour into my academic schoolwork, refusing to settle until my assignments are “aesthetically pleasing”. It was a humorous tribute to the class that has nurtured my innovative side.

My world is young, and hopeful, but practical always. My world consists of Physics books and formulas. I have moved on from my sister’s memory because this is what maturity is all about. Soon and sure I will be moving to college where challenges and friendship will be juxtaposed. In college, I will be a part of a diverse family. A family where learning will be the basis of everything. Every peer of mine will have their own unique story like me which will inspire me to push my limits.

I cannot change the past, but the future is surely in my hands. The internal struggle was long and hard. However, self-preservation eventually triumphed over self-pity. Insights and lessons gained in mathematics and Physics have also brought me solace. As I listened to my brother’s heartbeat the night of my sister’s death, my mind filled with agony and sorrow. However, in hindsight, I am thankful for the lessons I learned from my sister’s death; the pain I felt was a necessary step in the process of becoming the person I am today, someone who is unafraid to express himself.

I am looking forward to any suggestion for improving my essay. I know it’s about the personal tragedy but for me, it was a life changing experience. I would welcome the suggestion on the flow of the essay. As a stranger, does my essay helps you to portray me in front of you? Does it provide an insight of the kind of person I am? Every possible suggestion is welcome whether about improving sentence structure and vocabulary.

Thanks for reading my essay.

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Take this down! You don’t want someone plagiarizing your essay! Ask for people who will be willing to read it and the private message them!

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I agree, take it down ASAP! It’s probably too late for you to do that now, though.

4

Oh my God. Mods, where are you? @skieurope you’re usually here.

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Don’t post this anywhere. Ask a parent, good friend, or teacher, or consult the essay readers post.

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Please don’t post essays to open forums as there are students on here that may be tempted to use your essay as their own. I agree with the others and see WeLoveLyman’s post above for suggestions on people

7

You don’t want adcoms reading and reading and not getting to the point. First para, I had no idea what the tragedy is. I thought it was her leaving for college.

But, no matter. Yale has attributes they look for. You don’t hit them. This is apparently about grief (though you don’t state she passed until nearly the end.) Most of the first three para could be condensed into one (or less.) You need to catch their attention sooner. A brief ‘set the scene,’ then about you and how you rebounded. You need examples of your actions, to let adcoms see the qualities. What did you do, how did you activate and perhaps even do some good for others, with your understanding, after loss, or take on challenges? They want to see it for themselves.

I’ll stop there. For any tippy top, you need to know what traits they look for and give them some of that in the essay.

Sorry about your loss. It’s always hard and I understand your desire to write about it.

Now get it removed from here.

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MODERATOR’S NOTE:

I’m not here 24/7. Per ToS, we do not delete posts on request, not that the OP has asked. There are many places on this site from registration onward which informs users not to post private information.

With the disclaimer that I did not read your essay, I have read many essays here, and there are surprisingly very few that are of the caliber that someone would want to plagiarize. If the college did run a plagiarism check, it would probably just come back to your post… Closing thread.