I totally agree with the showing rather than telling concept but I’m not sure this story is going to be interesting enough on its own nor am I sure he will be able to successfully use 650 words. If this story was something that was unique by anyone’s standards, the fact that it happened when he was so young would not be of significance.
You will most likely know which opinion works for your son when he completes a draft. If he can achieve a great essay without coming to the present, then Hunt was absolutely right and I stand corrected.
cHD 2013-- When I asked those questions, I was simply trying to prompt the student to come up with another story that would connect it to his present day life. I was bombarding him with questions so he could think about other interesting things that he could possibly write about. My intention was never to advise him to list his extracurricular activities. But I would be remiss if I did not mention that I know kids who have embellished their activities in their essay when they had a clear passion and there was an overriding theme, and they did just fine, more than fine, in their admissions.
I think it’s a great idea for an essay if he were not too young at the time of the event. I don’t think he needs to add in some grand message about animal rights. The words would be better spent fleshing out aspects of the experience itself. What was the dynamic between father and son? Did you right away offer him the option to build a trap? Was there a negotiation? Why did he build his own? Did he not like the other designs or find them humane enough? How long did it take him to build the mouse trap? What was it like releasing the mouse? Did he feel pride, concern that the mouse might be far from family and food, relief to be done with the project?
@educateddarcy - you may be right, so let me apologize if I was too aggressive. Here’s a revised opinion.
For very selective schools, its really important that the essay show more about who the applicant is and help the reader understand why their presence would make the school a better place. its helpful for the writer to come across as likable or possessing good character or both. Any “embellishment” of activities can get into the way and be counterproductive. Those activities need to be “sold” elsewhere.
For less selective schools other strategies can be very effective.
In my opinion - yes - it is too over the top unless those characteristics really define your child. It would be much better to find an anecdote which helps the reader really know who your child is - it shows their voice - and hopefully makes them appear to be likable or have good character or both.
I agree with Hunt. Let your son tell his story. We don’t need morals spelled out for us when we read stories and I trust adcoms are no different.
I disagree. On the surface, my son’s essay was about the pixel art he started to teach himself when he was 11, but it was really about his desire to learn, his resourcefulness, and his ability to be self-directed. And it was funny. It really showed his personality. He felt if colleges rejected him because of it, they probably weren’t the best fits anyway. He was accepted to all the schools he applied to, including one of our states most popular publics, so it didn’t hurt him any.
I also think it doesn’t matter much how old he was when this happened. By telling this story, he’s saying, “This is who I am.” I think it will stand out among hundreds of essays about how the student was inspired to work hard by hard-working relatives, or inspired by poor people encountered on a service trip.
Unless, of course, a bunch of people read this and think that mouse stories are a new hook.
I like the story–it not only shows a good side of your son but you also–most parents would set a trap and be done with it. I don’t think it matters how old he was–it shows a personality trait that doesn’t change much.
