I don’t think anyone here would say that going to a state school is a disaster. But the situation your daughter faced is very different from the one that the OP’s son may face. Your daughter didn’t get in to the private school; the OP’s son did, but his parents may change their minds about whether to pay for it.
Those are very different situations.
This isn’t just if your kid got into an Ivy. You had CalTech, CMU, Harvey Mudd (I have a full pay kid there, so I know what that costs!), MIT, and UChicago on the list. I don’t know if your kid applied to any of those in the end, but you were asking about them. Your kid was very likely going to be full pay at any of those, too, and they cost about the same as Princeton. Michigan is a smidge less, but still expensive for OOS. This isn’t about the Ivy status of Princeton, it is about saying you can and will pay, and then changing your tune after your kid is accepted.
What does your spouse say about this?
Dreams are crushed all the time, but the OP needs to take full responsibility that that is what they are doing to their child. I think it makes the poor decision making even worse to say to the kid “you are responsible for the reason we can’t retire.”
If you tell them they can’t go, so be it. Acknowledge that you royally screwed up. And if you tell them they can go do it with a smile on your face.
To burden them with your retirement plans is, in my opinion, monstrous.
Nothing wrong with it if you do it BEFORE the kid applies, and help them see the reality of the finances of it for your family. It is letting them apply, and then saying, “Just kidding!” that is the problem.
I totally agree. If they had been clear the kid could have applied to prestigious merit scholarship programs like AB Duke or Jefferson.
It is really bad. But what is done is done.
Useful cautionary tale here - have the money talk before the applications are prepared and submitted. Honestly, DH and I are still not 100% clear on what we think is appropriate to spend, although we’re getting there. Having read this, I will make sure that we are all on the same page before that common app goes live in August.
@squeakywheel I am sorry you are having to deal with this. As others have said, you have two choices ahead of you - pay as promised or admit that you made an error in judgment and ask your child’s forgiveness. Either way, there will be consequences.
FWIW, if you’re talking about a 10-15K upcharge from the next best alternative, say Michigan, I’d wince and write the check to Princeton. If it’s a 30K per year difference, that’s a different conversation.
Good luck!
You are looking at this all wrong.
You are privileged to be able to send your son to Princeton. Not many people can. Don’t just grudgingly pay up for it. ENJOY DOING SO! Don’t feel bad about it. Take a positive attitude that your offspring has this wonderful opportunity to obtain this kind of an education, and you have this wonderful opportunity to pass the wealth on through the mind. Be proud! You deserve it!
That’s what I did with my two kids.
Money can be replaced. Your kids? Priceless.
Congratulations!
"To burden them with your retirement plans is, in my opinion, monstrous. "
Whoa. Step back from the edge.
There are posters here who brag that their kid took the full merit award and that they borrowed from their 401K for med school or other professional schools and they are generally lauded as the geniuses of CC. There are posters who we don’t know about who probably have a grand total of $80K in their IRA and that plus social security, plus a house with a mortgage on it and a nice (leased) car represents the sum total of their retirement planning,
At the end of the day, all kids end up “burdened” with their parents retirement planning- just like we all are. How many of us have supported elderly parents? I’m sure a fair number. How many of us have paid the difference between the Medicare-allowed nursing care post-op vs. high quality private duty, around the clock care- especially for a parent with dementia who wouldn’t know how to ring the buzzer in an emergency? I bet a lot of us (me included). How many of us have paid for assisted living or full time aides to allow a parent to stay in their own home? A lot of us.
It is ludicrous to think that any of us have actually planned for every possible contingency. I know very wealthy people wiped out by Bernie Madoff who are now depending on their children. I know people of modest means whose pensions got carved out or destroyed in a corporate bankruptcy-- sure, they are suing, but they’ll be dead by the time there’s a pay-off. I know people whose retirement plan included a paid up piece of property which was destroyed by Hurricane Sandy or various other natural disasters- and now they have the wonderful opportunity to negotiate with FEMA on “replacement value”. Do you want to spend your retirement years living in a FEMA trailer? Didn’t think so. But you now have no money and can’t sell your primary asset since it’s a pile of timber on the Jersey shore- so you move in with your adult children.
Who you calling a monster?
OP- do the math. If you can afford Princeton, great. If you can’t, it’s fantastic your son has other wonderful options.
I don’t think you even need to know exactly what you’re willing to spend in advance. its fine to be willing to pay more for sone schools than others. Or to be less willing to pay the higher price if there are cheaper alternatives.
But tell the kid that at the outset. Don’t say that money doesn’t matter if you aren’t willing and able to pay the cost of any school on the list.
I certainly could retire a couple if years early if my kids had gone to cheaper schools. As it is, I will probably work until 65. That doesn’t bother me, partly because I worry about the work world my kids are graduating into, and what their prospects of having the same economic opportunities I have had will be. I’m going to give them the best education I can afford that is a fit for them. A couple years more of work seem like a small price to pay for that. I get that if you can’t retire at all or very late or with serious financial consequences, then you shouldn’t spend the money. But if you want to retire at 55, and are going to have to put it off a few years, your kids may not see that favorably. They probably won’t be able to retire at 55.
@blossom if you read my entire post what I find “monstrous” is telling kids that they are to blame for the reason their parents can’t retire.
Of course our kids are the reason why we can’t retire early. I paid for braces (bet you did too) and speech therapy and a whole host of stuff that people without kids don’t pay for. My single friends from college go to the Galapagos Islands on vacation; one has already retired and splits her time between a fabulous city and a gorgeous beach resort.
Our kids already know they are the reason why we don’t have as much dough as we should. You don’t need to tell a kid who can add or multiply that raising children sucks the cash out of your checking account pretty much the second the paycheck goes in there.
They may be the reason, but it is not their fault.
“Should” puts an unpleasant value judgment in there.
They didn’t choose to be born. You chose to have children.
Meh. I don’t want to go to the Gapapagos anyway. And I think it is more that we don’t have as much dough as we COULD.
I am thrilled to be a parent and tried with the resources I had to balance the need to provide for my kids and provide for my future.
Just pointing out that children realize they have some responsibility for their elderly parents (when the time comes) whether or not you paid for Princeton. Even folks with high end retirement plans can outlive their money, make a bad investment, become the victim of fraud, or end up needing 15 years of assisted living instead of the 10 they budgeted for.
Don’t your kids know they are your backstop? Mine do- because they saw us take care of OUR parents.
If you read some of the posts, you’d know that there were people apparently thinking NOT going to an ivy-like school was a disaster. But that’s besides the point.
OP mentioned that his/her son got accepted to “2 very good in-state schools.” My point is that they may not be bad choices. I realize that the case of my D is different, but the fact remains that she didn’t go to her “dream school” for whatever reason it might be, and it turned out to be OK. She in fact told me that if she had been going to the dream school, things might not have turned out as great as it was (at least so far). Her turning down the PhD offer from the (ex) dream school told me that she truly thought so, not just sour grape.
Maybe OP’s son ends up going to one of the “very good in-state schools,” and 4 years from now, he looks back and says, “It’s not too bad after all.”
To the OP, lay all the cards on the table and work it out with your family. Don’t underestimate kids. They may be more mature and understanding than what we parents oftentimes give them the credit for.
If NosyCaliparent and squeakywheel just traded kids then everyone would be happy.
I interpreted those posts as saying that it would be a shame not to take this advantage of this type of opportunity. But your interpretation may be closer to what the posters had in mind.
Likely two of UCB, UCLA, UCSD (probably as candidate for Regents’ scholarships) based on other posts indicating applications to those three, and California residency. But the entire rest of the list is of schools with Princeton-like list prices.