Need help editing my UC personal statement! ):

<p>Hi all! This is my first time posting after months of reading threads here. I recently wrote my first essay, but I'm a terrible writer. ]: I feel that my essay isn't personal enough though. So, is anyone willing to help and criticize my essay? (:
Thanks for your time!</p>

<p>ya sure! 10char</p>

<p>I just found out I need 15 or more posts to send a private message =|</p>