Need help with Essay!

Hello,
I would first off like to start by saying that I am completely new to the website and have no idea what I’m doing ^^" but it seemed extremely helpful so I thought I would join and see how we could exchange.
I am currently writing my personal statement and am desperate for an outside perspective. I chose a very personal subject about my father’s mental disorder but I really, really want to avoid turning this into a sob story. Instead, I would like to show how it shaped my relationships with others, taught me to mature very quickly and that I can have a thoughtful look on the topic. However, I feel my essay is doing exactly the opposite of all that.
Would anyone be willing to read this (very) rough draft and give me comments?
Do admissions officers even want to know this? Is it too personal and should I just come up with something different alltogether?

Read these tips and see how it fits.

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/2003258-essay-tips-to-consider.html#latest

I admit, it sounds depressing. Not the feeling you are going for.

If you’re going to play with the idea, then write the essay. At worst, it will be cathartic, and then you can put it away and start your actual essay.

IF you have any shot at making this work, then I would suggest a very brief intro to your dad’s problems. This essay should not be about him. It’s your one shot at separating who YOU are from your statistics, and you have only 650 words with which to accomplish that. So a brief intro to dad’s illness, then an essay about how it shaped you into the type of person they want on their campus.