@OCDaddy Thank you for sharing - those moments suck hard. They’re well into their teens but I found ice cream therapy always helps. (No sprinkles yet - sprinkles are for WINNERS!). Folks we know would comment how being a recruited athlete is great (ED, getting in by Dec) but most of the recruits go through a lot of rejection along the way. Just brutal when coaches ghost out. I think the rejection or indifference (!) after an ID camp or showcase event can be harsher than a reject-email to a Common Application.
As @Mwfan1921 and @homerdog note, it could be underdeveloped email skills and/or they’re just keeping options open. Coaches also change their minds, and if the assistant likes a player, he/she can advocate. It’s rare, but happens, and that was my son’s experience. These athletes know all about persistence so just got to keep on keeping on (while we parents weep inside for them).
Also, make sure emails are addressed to head coach AND all assistants, since assistants usually handle recruiting up until the final stages. A head coach may ignore a message from a prospect, figuring assistants will handle it, and may not notice that the assistants were not copied on it.
Hi all - I have questions about recruiting ‘break-up’ etiquette on the other side.
D21 is in the thick of D3 recruiting and is in regular contact with several coaches. There is one school that I think she’s ready to eliminate from her list. This is a really nice coach with whom she’s had several email exchanges and has met in person once, although she hasn’t done an overnight.
How does she break this off? Just go silent and the coach will figure it out? Or does she need to send a final polite ‘thanks but I’m going a different direction’ email?
What about the coaches with whom she had some initial contact but never met because she decided against a visit? The coaches are really busy, but so is she, so can let this group of schools just die on the vine, right?
Of course she’ll provide feedback and closure with any programs about which she’s really serious, which I think I’d define as one with an overnight and/or discussion of ED. Is that a reasonable standard?
I have a '21 also immersed in D3 recruiting. I kind of believe in the golden rule, that we would rather hear that a coach is no longer interested vs just having him go silent. My son only has told one coach that he’s been in extensive contact with that he’s not interested, and he did it diplomatically by saying that he didn’t think the school was a good fit because it was too close to home. The coach thanked him for that, and of course said if anything changed to let him know. My son also replies to schools that are bad fits but that have reached out personally (that is, after a showcase, but without having an extensive conversation with the coach) just by saying something like “thank you so much for your email, I appreciate your feedback, but I do not think XYZ school is a good fit for me. Thank you again”
Yes, it only takes a few minutes to email but the coach may have a lot of kids to evaluate, and from multiple camps. Until the coach does the evaluations and sorting, he could tell your D that he’s interested but he would have no idea if she’s number 5 or number 50. I think your idea that he’s now busy with the season and has the entire summer to decide on current high school juniors is probably correct. She needs to keep updating him about her season and her interest even if the communications is one sided.
ALL D3 students are ‘walk ons’ so there will not be support for non-recruits. There are kids the coaches tell will be welcomed onto the team if they get in on their own, but if the coach is going to use a tip or slot or whatever help that school allows (which is really the only benefit to being a recruit at a D3 school), it’s going to be on committed, recruited athletes.
I think a lot if not most Nescac recruiting happens in the summer after junior year and during Fall of Senior year.
The coaches want to watch all possible prospects to see how they close out their Junior year in both sports and grades/test scores. They are in no rush right now. So I don’t think they want to over communicate with a prospective student athlete and get their hopes up.
I would keep sending in notes with relevant info, like updated test scores, academic awards, sports results, schedules of where they will be playing and stuff like that. Reiterate continued interest and thank them for their time.
In May or June you might hear back from coaches saying they are interested and want the student to gather grades, transcripts and test scores and senior year schedule for a pre-read after July 1. If all goes well after that, an invite to overnight may be in order sometime in the Fall. If that goes well, that’s when you know if the coach will support the students application or not.
So, my advice is to come up with a list of ALL schools of interest and use the same tactic with them too, regular updates and communication, even if there is no response from the coach. You need to keep as many options open as you can.
Sorry that your D has been ghosted, it’s kind of the ugly side or recruiting. So try to find a school that she likes, offers what she wants to study, is affordable to you AND shows her the love… and focus on that. Good luck, it will all work out.
Different sport, and sex, so this probably doesn’t apply to spring sports, but my son’s been in extensive conversations, including phone calls with several NESCAC schools and has gotten to the stage of having a campus visit set up which includes meeting a professor and sitting in on a class, with one, and attending a Junior Day with another. While those are good signs, I do believe a LOT can shake out over the next few months, both academically and athletically.
@OCDaddy the recruiting cycle remains fluid until you receive the acceptance letter. Silence tells you something - it tells you she is not at the top of the list. But, you’ll find some coaches reappear after weeks of silence as his/her recruiting list takes shape. She may rise as those more favored may follow interest elsewhere. It’s a complex dance not suited for the emotional temperament of a teenager. Hang in there, you have plenty of runway left.
Thanks all. So much great advice and information here. We will keep plugging along and staying positive. Your place in the race doesn’t matter until the end. She has several more camps and then Elite180 (or as I like to call it Elite$600), plus her own junior year HS season, so she has plenty of opportunities to impress. I’ll encourage her to keep communicating as she has to date, which by all appearances has been at the right regularity.
@twoinanddone , I thought there was something called ‘soft support’, but at this point I’ve read so much it could be for D1 or non-NESCAC schools.
@Midwestmomofboys , good point. Many of her emails have been with the asst. coach but some recently have come straight from the head coach so it’s possible she left the asst. off the latest. I should have her check.
@OCDaddy as others have said, I wouldn’t read too much into a coach not responding to a few emails. I agree with keeping the assistant coach in the loop. Often one or more of the assistant coaches act as recruiting coordinators. But aside from that I would just keep lines of communication open and listen very specifically to what the coaches are saying when they do respond. It’s really very, very common for coaches to go silent for months and then all of a sudden get very friendly. If you think this is the correct level of play for your athlete, just be persistent and patient. (Now, if you have a D3 athlete who isn’t getting responses from Stanford, that’s maybe a different story. But you should be able to evaluate that independent of coach behavior).
@UpNorth2019 I think the polite, considerate, professional approach is correct when narrowing options. However, I don’t think the athlete necessarily needs to send a breakup letter to every coach she’s ever talked to. The majority just peter out on their own. But for those coaches who keep contacting, I think it’s fine for athletes to let the coach know they’re focusing on other schools right now. That usually ends the conversation, which can always be reopened. I wouldn’t ever just ignore an inquiry from a coach. Aside from being polite, it’s also a bit self interested: these coaches move all the time and one could easily end up as her future coach.
I DO think that when there have been discussions of OVs and support, that athletes really do need to keep those coaches informed. And once a decision and commitment has been made, coaches that are waiting on a response should be informed.
@OCDaddy The start of season is a busy time for coaches, but have your daughter keep updating the coach if she really loves Williams. In our experience, the Williams coach did a lot of recruiting during the summer after junior year. My daughter first contacted the coach during the fall of her sophomore year but did not receive strong interest (phone call and invitation to visit) until spring of her junior year. The coach watched her play throughout the summer and she was told in early July there would be no slot/tip forthcoming but that she could tryout if admitted.
Elite 180 is worth the money. It will give your player lots of exposure and the opportunity to interact with coaches in a smaller environment. My daughter would chat with coaches in the cafeteria and while walking across campus. The really interested ones would pull her aside after games to talk to her. Your daughter should make the most of that opportunity by reaching out to coaches beforehand to let the know she will be attending. In past years, several NESCAC colleges have also hosted their own camps around that time too if that works with your budget and schedule.
The recruiting process is brutal but finding the right fit for your student-athlete is worth it. Best of luck to you during this process.
Oooff, if it doesn’t work out I can give you a long list, but for now I will cross my fingers for your daughter that everything works out in the end and she ends up at a school she loves.
Thanks to all for your replies. I, too, tend to err on the side of ‘closing the loop’ on things, but also know that coaches are casting a really wide net at this point so thought it might be almost presumptuous to reply with a ‘thanks but no thanks’ to a coach with whom she’s had limited contact.
I knew there’d be a lotta great life lessons learned in her sport, but had no idea until this year that the same can be said of the recruiting process! This will be great experience for her for all her future college/internships/job applications and interviews. (And good thing, too: it sure is a lot of work…)
@OCDaddy, as many others rightly have said, don’t read too much into silence. There could be a reason, or no reason at all. I remember going to one recruiting session and the coach started complaining about kids who give up after emailing him and not receiving a response. “Show some gumption,” he said.
We found that the face-to face meetings with the coach often were beneficial. You can set one up by phone and have their undivided attention. The thing is, there is some travel involved, and with the time and money to be expended, you may need to set priorities.
For now, keep pounding out the emails about achievements and other things, twice a month if possible. See where it leads. Persistence is where it’s at.
@1ofeach, no need as I can now provide my own. After driving back from Williams my doctors now think I developed a blood clot in my surgically-repaired knee. On Friday that clot became a double pulmonary embolism that nearly smoked me. Scary event I have what I need to dislike Williams if I need it, even if none of it was remotely their fault!
In happier news my daughter recently learned that she is a recruit at Swarthmore College, which was at or near the top of her list. A small step down athletically but a great academic fit. She is very excited and if it works out it will be nice to be able to see more games this way. More games, fewer near-death experiences.
It will be a strange year for recruiting without a junior season and probably no camps, to say nothing about missing AP and SAT/ACT scores.
Thanks @AmBuddha! I should add a thank you to the many people here who encouraged me to have her continue to stay in touch with coaches. This current opportunity is not one that seemed at first promising but persistence and continued interest could end up paying off. Thanks all!
My D is a Class of 2025 and plays soccer. My D wanted a NESCAC experience, similar to where she goes to HS…Went to 5 or 6 NESCAC ID camps as a sophomore. Emailed coach after every one for feedback. A few were general (we like you, send us highlights, you’re on our list, etc…) to a few that were very specific about how much they liked her and why they wanted her at their school. IMO the ones who are “generic” are stringing you along mostly…Also IMO you need to get a coach who really wants your player at their school and is willing to say it… otherwise you are just among the 25 or 30 they are looking at. THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED - A coach to say “I will support you if you apply ED.” Don’t be afraid to ask. Until then you are among the many. Our strategy was to commit to the first NESCAC School that offered to support her in admissions. This is what we did and it worked out. It ain’t easy. Good luck.