- Get SAT/ACT scores as high as possible. Everyone said 34 ACT with 800 SAT Math II and Chemistry was enough, no need to retake. It probably was enough to get where he applied, but would have been more chances for merit with say 35.
- Think how hard (or easy?) it will be when it's time to really decide to go to a school far from home, for both the parents and the student. Prepare yourself, or don't apply - the best school might just happen to be far away. Didn't seem so frightening at the application time.
One more note to my past…
Today, as expected we learned that our aid appeal was denied from the last of the LACs D was accepted to. D is devastated, hates me and blames me for ruining her life. At the moment I need a note from my future that everything will work out for the best.
I’m sorry to read that OP. Hopefully she will understand down the road . . . possibly way down the road. But at some point it could and probably will happen.
I’m sorry that your D is taking her disappointment & frustration out on you. We all make mistakes. A perfect time to hold your head up high, apologize, then move on.
She has other affordable options for the fall?
I hope to live to see the day our youngest understands! 
I was too laid back during my oldest’s application process, honestly. I wish I had paid attention and done my own research. She’s in a fine place, but we could have done better financially, especially in regard to our use of the GI Bill, had I been more involved earlier.
No regrets about the way the application process proceeded for my '16 grad. She applied widely; it was fairly reach heavy, as we sought schools that offered exceptionally generous need based aid and lottery-type merit scholarships, but there were several back up plans. In the end she had more choices than she needed, but it certainly could have played out differently.
Waiting to see how high school goes for #3 before making a plan. I suspect her journey will be entirely different from either of her sisters.
@Midwest67 @SouthFloridaMom9 Thank you for your kind words. Yes she has some excellent choices. Revisits start next week. I’m relegated to dog sitting at home. Hopefully she passes through grief and anger rapidly enough to make a decision.
We did something similar, strategically. We had H take D down for the accepted student event (re-visit), and I stayed home with the dog.
Our D was quite salty about her school until…well…I’d say we saw glimpses towards the positive by about Spring Break. It’s almost the end of the school year!
So, buckle up! An effective tool for us parents has been to simply talk less, ask very few questions, and when we do, keep it light and pleasant. We text pictures of the dog.
Funny, but I’ve been too laid back in my second D’s road on the college express. She wanted me to stay OUT of what she was doing, and I did. Now she’s mad because she sees that she may fall short in some areas where I encouraged her - but didn’t demand - she put herself out there in regard to leadership stuff.
@Old_parent, you need to stop beating yourself up. You have done the best you could with the knowledge you’ve had. My D knew going in that some acceptances would not mean she could attend because of finances, that this might not seem “fair”, but compared to the universe of kids in the world seeking a college education, she was lucky. So is your D. It will all work out.
Thank goodness S was tolerant and listened when I always asked the HS college counselor what Us were likely to give substantial merit to kids like S?
Visiting a range of these schools whenever our family was anywhere in the area was very useful, just to get a feel for what a large urban vs more rural campus was like and what snow fences and snow poles were.
We wasted several hundred $$$ on app fees that S never finished the apps for, but oh well, in the scheme of things, water under the bridge.
Letting D totally own her transfer app was good for her and the entire family–thank goodness the money worked out. Probably should have bought tuition insurance–whoops!
We did a lot of visits to safeties (financial and academic) with the idea that the reaches didn’t need much selling. I’d definitely do that again.
After you go through this notes to your past stage, years later I might add, you realize that changing everything would have been needed, not just a few things. And then it wouldn’t be you or your life. If only we had… Looking back I see how/why son did things- and how/why we parents did things. Innate personalities and not just intelligence. Drive versus being less intense all of the time. Tradeoff of academics/work other interests…
You are the person you are today because of experiences and decisions made in the past. Your past self made decisions based on who you were then. Likewise your child will acquire wisdom as s/he gets older. The same personality traits that meant s/he wouldn’t do x, y, z are the same ones that makes him/her who s/he is today.
Life is full of endless branching points where we took one path instead of another. Some lead back to the same path, others don’t. You can agonize over details that seemingly made a difference. But- details throughout the few years (relative to even a parent’s years) a son/daughter has been alive have been shaping things all along. When I look back I see why we parents and son ended up on the paths we are on.
Your D will get over her recent trauma. She will realize she still has a good college experience ahead of her. And that will lead to a good life. Maturity comes with life experiences that are not all positive. The college likely did her a favor by rejecting her instead of trying to make her fit. For you and her the college admissions process needs to become ancient history- no looking back at what might have been. Look forward and enjoy life.
So right, @wis75.
I took a gap, first semester of jr year in college, best thing for me, turned around my motivation.
Btw, when you look at “achievement,” try not to see it only in high stats. There are kids who grow, challenge themselves, are exciting, have impact, will get far, even if they aren’t “high achievers” in those numerical terms. (IOW, look for the qualitative.) That was more important to me, than the stats, themselves. I was seriously looking for where D1 could take her empowerment and grow it further. (DH was frustrating, lol, not D1.)
In hindsight there’s nothing I wish we’d done differently for her. The exploration was a time of bonding, probably because I watched what I said to her. We had so many reasonable discussions, but casually, when she seemed open to them, a miracle of restraint, on my part. I wouldn’t say we let her run the show, not…at…all. But she probably thought so.
In hindsight, I started everything later than I should have.
- I should’ve realized earlier that D would want something other than in-state flagship.
- I should’ve prioritized college savings earlier. (Original plan was in-state flagship on 2 salaries. Sudden crisis when there’s only one salary, and D is looking at tippy-top schools).
- I should’ve realized earlier than there are lots of good merit aid options at public schools all over the country. Realizing it earlier would have given us more time to visit a larger variety of options.
All in all, though, I’m happy with our results. D will be going to a school that she is really excited about, and I can afford it.
The college search and application process was painless for us. The older one was too busy to want to spend time constructing a list of colleges. He didn’t read any guidebooks or rankings or websites about college admissions. He deferred to me to construct a list, which I checked with him. We had enough money saved to cover the costs at any college. He had no Ivy ambitions, but wanted a college where it was safe to be a thinker. He’d visited a number of colleges as a high-school debater. He did not prep for the SAT or ACT, but had experience on SAT since taking the test for the Talent Search in middle school. He had no test anxiety, and had done well in middle-school statewide math competitions. We wouldn’t have done anything different in his case. He first saw the college he ended up attending after he was admitted (attended admitted students’ day and declared the next morning “This will do,” and so it was done. He attended the University of Chicago.
The process for the younger one was only slightly more demanding. She wanted to apply only to stand-alone art colleges (no state flagship would do). The only exception was CMU. She applied to CMU and several art colleges and was admitted to all of them. What was important in admissions to art schools was having an outstanding portfolio. With this in mind, she attended pre-college summer art programs after sophomore and junior years (School of the Art Institute of Chicago). Prepared her portfolio, did her applications, took the standardized tests and got good scores. We made one 10-day swing east to visit art colleges. She accepted the offer at RISD.
We joke that we don’t remember what much of what we did for D2. All along, she’d made nearly every trip with D1, we had some talks. But when it was time to focus on her alone, she was going through her brittle period. There was a match college she would have loved (some great music activities and that was her back interest/talent.) Another where she felt she really fit (but a reach, for her, stats-wise and in geo diversity.) And one where she was a shoo-in, but it was really hard to get excited. She jumped on a ED app to a different, great school (reach-y) and got in. I have no recollection of what her balanced list would have been, if the December news had been different. (The first college, with the music, was one her sis had turned down, which could have affected her chances.) We were lucky. (“Don’t try this at home.”)
@old_parent I’m sorry. Been there. DD did not go to “dream school” because of $$$. Picking the more affordable option did allow her to study abroad for a semester. And when she graduates in 2018 she will have only nominal debt - When your D gets to her school in the fall, she will find that many of her fellow freshman feel they belong elsewhere! They’ll commiserate over the schools they didn’t get into or couldn’t afford. She may go through the “I’m going to transfer” phase (as my DD did) but ultimately it will work out. DD is (mostly) happy now and doing well. You will be forgiven.
Looking back there was ZERO point in applying to our in-state flagship as they would never have attended a large school. I insisted because it’s always recommended here, but that acceptance letter was a $100 waste of money.
I think the best thing parents could/should do is make an honest assessment of their children during their sophomore and junior high school years. We drove a liberal arts major crazy pushing him through STEM classes that neither interested him nor did he truly have the make up to succeed in. Now in graduate school at Notre Dame it’s crystal clear that we wasted a few years of his high school life, and created an extreme amount of angst about home work and test scores and tutors for calculus. You’ve got ask yourself if you have to hire a tutor, hire an admission counselor, go to a boot camp, take a test multiple times to score in the top 20%, what’s going to happen on that one shot they have on a college mid-term? Our second son needed no pushing or prodding and is 5% in ever category - we saw that by middle school.
I was a long time baseball coach and I could tell you with absolute certainty the high school/college success probability for any 12 year old I coached. Because, besides the grey matter (or natural athletic ability), do they have the discipline, integrity, desire and support system (not crutch) that they need to grind through 4 years at a hyper competitive college?
The difference between S1/S2 was we let #2 be who he wanted to be with gentle guidance. We supported his decision to take musical theater right along side AP Calculus A/B (he gets A’s because he “supposed to”). Last night my wife made a confession that the biggest decision she made was “allowing” him to drop his third foreign language year of study because he hated it. She thought that was the death knell for his top college opportunities - needless to say it did not. He applied to and was admitted to 10/12 top colleges. Would it be a great idea if he knew multiple languages? Heck yeah - but what would we have accomplished forcing him into Spanish 3 as a high school junior (ps -see the angst described in paragraph 1).
I read an HR article yesterday and it spoke about this new “Gen Z” - they’ve been raised right, they’re driven, and they want to make their own decision. I’ve learned most that it’s time to listen to them - even if I disagree.
If money is an issue (and when isn’t it) i strongly suggest the parent take the reigns and deal with the FAFSA and other financial aid paperwork. I’ve seen too many kids who filled out the forms themselves and then when crazy high numbers came back, the parents freaked. I don’t know about you, but my 17 year old did not have the knowledge of my finances or the sophistication to complete the forms. Its called the Parent Contribution. I don’t know why anyone expects the child to do it. Would you let them do your taxes? Then I don’t know how folk won’t step in and do forms that, if done wrong, can be the difference in tens of thousands of dollars over four years (in some extreme cases hundreds of thousands). Just my two cents.