Yes to add: I did phone the college, UC Riverside. The young lady on the phone would not give me specifics about the finances, and told me to access it online. I tried to tell her that I cannot do that, then she started asking a bunch of questions that I do not know the answer to: How was it paid, etc… She told me to have my son get the information. Quite frankly, the young woman did not sound like a professional Financial Aid counselor, she may be a student answering phones.
I have decided to take my son’s birth certificate and both of our passports to the college this week in person, and see what withdrawal I can make. It may be that, like many of you say, they will refuse to give me money. And if so, that will be the end of that.
Please don’t suggest this. It is putting strangle hold on your college son. He should absolutely be able to join social organizations AND participate in things at college other than classes.
Please change your mindset about this. It’s a very long commute to Riverside from Pasadena. While you might not mind making the drive…your son is a college student, not an elementary school student. He probably would prefer NOT to have his mom drive him back and forth. Is this really necessary?
[quoye]Oh, and I do not know how to access the online tuition bill pay. I have never looked at the website.
[/quote]
The online access to everything about college is your son’s, not yours. He will have to give you access to his online information or you won’t be getting it…at all. So you will absolutely need to have your son on board with giving you online access…to anything about his college accounts, grades…etc.
Folks are saying that the dad likely didn’t pay the full year bill…but really, it’s possible he did. Your son can check his bursars account to see.
It sounds like you are struggling with what to do given your husband has left you.
- Hire a lawyer.
- You need to consider getting a job. Lots of good reasons. First, it might actually be good for you to get back into the working world. Second, it will give you some money of your own that you earned. Third, you might need this money to pay some bills.
- Please consider the feelings and needs of your kids while you go through this divorce process. Your college son is already in college. In some ways, your plan to pull him out is a punishment to him...if in fact the bills can be paid. Plus, the 80 mile or so commute is insane.
- You have a license to practice a wonderful profession. I fail to see why you think it’s OK for a dad to be a parent and work...but it’s not OK for a mom to do so. My husband and I both worked and were parents. These roles are not mutually exclusive.
- Your lawyer will advise you on how to protect your financial interests and the interests of your kids. If you really cant afford a lawyer yourself, find a legal aid office or a law school...but get some legal advice before it’s too late. The issue you might have getting reduced fees is that it sounds like your family income might be too high. But ask.
- Are your bank accounts jointly held?
OP- thank you for adding more information, very helpful.
There is one thing you need to learn right now- today- in order to have a happy and healthy future with your children- YOU DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR HUSBAND WITH YOUR CHILDREN. He is their father, and unless he has been abusing them, they are allowed to have an independent relationship with him that has nothing to do with you.
So- stop complaining to your son. Find a friend, a pastor, a therapist, a social worker. But do not discuss your marriage with your kids. That is a red line.
Moving forward:
Your marriage is over. Whether you sign papers today, tomorrow or never- your marriage is over. You may ask “how can a perfect stranger on the internet know that” and it’s true- it’s quite presumptuous of me. But I initially thought from your post that your husband moved out and you guys were at the “let’s figure this out” stage. It seems clear though that your husband has ALREADY figured it out. He has moved out and moved on.
So you have some work to do in order to insure a safe and healthy future, and that work does not involve rehashing what went wrong. You have strong feelings about a babysitter from 13 years ago. Your son is in college, your daughter is a teenager. Neither of them need to be cared for by a babysitter. If this is the reason you have resisted (for two years) going back to work, you need to look forward, not backwards.
If you are a licensed pharmacist, you can learn how to navigate all this legal and financial stuff. All of it is easier than pharmacy. You just haven’t wanted to (or had to ) learn it. But now you need to, unless you want to be elderly and poor because you didn’t take the time to understand your finances.
Did you sign a prenup before you got married? You will likely remember if you did. If you did not, your lawyer is going to explain to you what protections there are in place for you and your daughter (fewer protections for your son who is over 18, but if your husband has been paying tuition even after the separation, that’s a great sign that he intends to do the right thing).
Go back to my first post and get cracking. If you are affluent, all the more reason to quickly put together a list of all of your assets. And if you are affluent- even if you don’t have the cash on hand to pay the lawyer’s retainer- go sell something. That’s what consignment stores and pawn shops and other places of that ilk are for. Nice watch? Engagement ring? You need to raise some cash to get moving. Are you driving a nice car which is in your own name? You don’t need a fancy car. You need a safe car and you need cash for your divorce lawyer. Go get started.
OP- in the time in takes you to drive to your son’s college with his birth certificate and your passport, you could make a chart of every savings account, CD, brokerage account, stock, safe deposit box, life insurance policy, etc. that you and your husband own. In the time it takes you to argue with the bursar (who is not going to tell you ANYTHING without your son’s permission) you could look up your old IRA balance from your last job to see how much you have in retirement assets and who the beneficiary is (probably your husband, so you’re going to want to change that with your lawyers advice). And in the time it takes you to drive HOME from your son’s college, you could have interviewed three real estate brokers who can tell you what your house is worth if you sold it tomorrow, and how much you’d need to spend in repairs and cosmetic enhancements to get the biggest bang for your buck. And in the time it will take you to buy gas for the drive home, you could be finding your will to make sure your ex-husband is not your executor, and to make sure you have named a guardian for your 14 year old.
So would you rather do all the things I’ve outlined above with your day tomorrow, or waste the entire day having someone tell you “we will not show you your son’s bill without his permission”?
Move on.
Don’t bother doing this. Your son is legally an adult, and the college will not discuss anything with you without his written consent.
From their website:
Students Control Who Sees Their Information
While you understandably have an interest in your child’s academic, financial or disciplinary records, you need permission to access those records. Your student can grant you that permission in a few different ways. See our Disclosure Policies for more details.
http://registrar.ucr.edu/registrar/privacy-ferpa/family.html
Thank you for the advice(s). Our accounts were jointly held, now he has a main account (private, secretive), then an joint account that is for all household bills, Daughter’s dance recitals, etc. I have access to that account. So far he has never said “no” if I tell him that we need additional funds. I explained above why I cannot work. Also, I am not very close to my son. If he comes home to live, he will see that I am indeed suffering, and maybe show more compassion for his mother.
The lawyer I met with twice is a very nice lady, however she believes that my husband’s offer is reasonable and that a judge will not give me more.
I prefer to go to trial with a lawyer who is sharp.
If we go to trial, will my husband have to pay both of our court fees? I forgot to ask the lawyer when i spoke to her.
No prenup; we were young and in love.
Also, Thanksgiving, my son chose to go out to dinner with his father. My daughter stayed home with me.
Is this a legitimate thread? If it is, it is unfortunate that a person who prides herself on her parenting is dumping on one of her children.
This story doesn’t pass the smell test, imo.
Please don’t do this. The semester is nearly over. You will get zero refund from housing. Next semester is yet to be paid. There is nothing to refund at this point.
Don’t pull your son out of a college situation that your husband has agreed fund. You are going to start a war with the kids in the middle, and when that happens, nobody wins. Think about it. Your son tries to commute. Your husband simply has a lower college bill to pay. If he’s already covering household expenses, pulling your son out of school housing does not increase your household expenses so that you will get more money.
You can go to the fin aid office with all the ID you want; without permission, the fin aid officers cannot talk to you.
@Streszedmom I feel for you, I truly do. But let your son keep his stable situation…it sounds like he’s doing well in school and has good friends…please do not take this away from him. The advice here is so so good…take it one step at a time and you can work this out!
You can’t work NOW because of something that happened to your son 13 years ago? Really? I mean really? Don’t you think your 14 year old, and your college student can take care of themselves at this point.
I’m sorry, but that is a VERY poor excuse for not working…now.
Your husband has clearly moved on. This has been going on for two years or so, and clearly, he is ready to be divorced. It’s really not his issue that you aren’t ready to divorce. All this is going to do is gobble up a lot of money for a couple of lawyers.
Is there divorce mediation in your state? Some folks find this a good way to part paths as there is a discussion and resolution of how assets will be divided and child and spousal support carried out. Look into this.
As noted by @Blossom, your soon to be former husband has moved on…and out. It’s time for you to believe this and do the same yourself.
For the record…this is NOT a financial aid question at all. Not one bit.
What I got from your explanation is that you feel you cannot work because 13 years ago your son (who is now a college student living away from home) burned himself when some hot food was spilled. This is not a rationale thought process.
I will add that it would be highly unethical for you to take your son’s college housing money for your own use. You essentially would be stealing from him.
moderators note
Op has asked her question, called the school and has gotten an answer.
closing thread