Hi College Confidential world. I am a mother in an emergency situation. My husband left us last year. He has paid the tuition for my son’s college (UC Riverside). I do not work. I am a mother. I live with my daughter - she is 14. My son is in his second year at UC Riverside. This is my query:
Can I request a refund of the housing fees? My husband and I are not officially divorced yet - the divorce moves slowly throug the ridiculous court. He should not have left. Now he must pay our mortgage (5000) and the school fees for our son. I want this: I want our son to move back home (we live in Pasadena), and I want him to commute to UC Riverside. If I get the housing fees back from UC Riverside, I can pay for some of our household expenses. I am a licensed Pharmacist, however I have not worked in over 12 years. I DECIDED TO BE A MOTHER instead! My husband’s divorce lawyer is trying to make it look like I can go back to work because I have kept up with the Pharmd license. My mistake.
My husband and I still have the same last name, but different banking accounts. Can I call UC Riverside and request a refund of housing? I have not been involved in any of the college payments/ paperwork. I do not know how to do this. Please help ASAP. I will announce the decision to my son after I believe he took the last exams.
Hope to clarify: I will not stop my son’s tuition. The refund I am seeking is ONLY for housing. Husband paid the entire year upfront I think. I want to pull son out of college housing, and pocket that money. He left us.
If your husband paid the fees then they would be refunded to him.
Honestly I’d think the refund would go to the student, no matter who paid it. That’s how my kid’s school works.
Your son should make this request.
I doubt he paid the housing fee for the entire year. Most fees are paid just before the quarter starts.
The refund will be made however it was set up at the beginning of the year, most likely to your husband or to your son. If you weren’t involved, it’s unlikely you can request anything.
You want your son to commute over 2 hours each way to school? Is that fair to him?
You chose to stay home with your kids, but things are different now. It is likely you’ll have to go to work, even if you don’t want to.
While I empathize with you, it should be pointed out that having a career and “being a mother” are not mutually exclusive. (The same as having a career and “being a father” are not mutually exclusive.)
Commuting to UCR from Pasadena??? I currently am sitting a couple of miles away from UCR. There’s no way I would have a child commute here from Pasadena! 80 miles!!!
Sounds like you need to figure out a way to earn a living. Have you kept your license current? Kept up with continuing education? If not, then your lawyer needs to make it clear that you’re no where near close to returning to a pharm job.
Yes, the license is current - but I probably should not have. He is now trying to make me work again. Yes, I met with a lawyer twice. I may need to hire her. So, there is no 1 single form I can use to pull the money out myself? I cannot ask my son to make the request because he may tell his father. I do not want my ex to know until AFTER I do this. He is not paying enough in spousal support I believe. Our house mortage is very high. He agrees to pay the mortgage, but what about our future??
I’m sorry, but I do not think that your plan will work. That money absolutely will not be refunded to you.
I am sort of shocked that you think it’s a better decision to have your son commute so far rather than going back to work yourself, at least part-time. In my opinion, your son should not be the person who bears the brunt of this financial situation. It sounds like you have made this decision and have decided to announce it, without any input from anyone else. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.
I am sorry for your divorce. It sounds like it has been a really stressful time. I would put some time into researching other ways to make the finances go smoother - moving into a more affordable living situation, working part-time while your 14 year old is at school (or full-time, as many parents do), being as frugal as possible wtih all expenses such as food, clothing, gifts, etc.
It won’t work without student involvement.
I agree it’s not a good idea for him to commute that far, or for you to get that money without his knowledge, and that you probably need to go back to work, but you didn’t ask for that advice so…
stressed mom- take a deep breath.
You are not divorced yet, so any informal arrangement you have right now about mortgage, spousal, child support is just that- an informal agreement. Nothing is official until a judge says it’s official. So calm down.
First things first- do not do ANYTHING precipitous right now. Tens of thousands of women every year make financial decisions when their marriages go bust and many of those decisions are terrible ones. I know at least a dozen women who basically impoverished themselves due to panic and lack of planning. Don’t let that be you.
You need to do Four things:
1- get a handle on your financial picture. Assemble all your recurring bills (mortgage, property taxes, utilities, health insurance) and your tax returns going back to as many years as you can find. If you aren’t very savvy financially, your lawyer may be able to recommend someone cheaper than a lawyer (a paralegal?) who can go through your tax return and make a list of your assets. Knowing what you own is going to be important.
2- Call your bank- today- and get a printout of the payments made on your mortgage, and either go to city hall or wherever records are kept for property in your town to get a copy of the title/deed to your home. Ask the clerk to help you figure out if the mortgage you know about is the only loan or lien against your home. You may think you own an asset worth X… but if your husband has an equity line of credit on the house, you may own much less than you think.
3- Either retain the lawyer you’ve met with, or get a friend/family member to recommend another lawyer. But you need a lawyer. You have a minor child whose interests need protecting and the best way to do that is through the legal system. Your husband may have a 401K at work or other retirement assets you don’t know about; if you and your kids are now getting health insurance from his job, you need to figure out how you’re going to get health insurance going forward, etc. These are issues worth MUCH more than the 5K in housing you are worried about right now. Once you are off your husband’s insurance, even a small surgery or injury could set you back 50K or 75K. So try not to belabor the small stuff- you’ve got much bigger things to deal with.
4- Go online to your son’s account at college and take a look at what’s been paid, what is owed. I will bet you dinner that your husband did NOT pay the entire year ahead of time… or if he did, there are still fees owed so your son can finish out the year. But take a screenshot of your son’s account.
Once you calm down you will realize that having your son commute such a distance is not a feasible plan right now. And that protecting your 14 year old child’s future is an important priority for you.
And you need to adjust your thinking about going to back to work. Of course you can be a mother to a 14 year old who has a job- like millions of other women. Your goal right now is to emerge from the divorce in the best position you can, knowing that you are going to end up back in the work force at some point.
But these four things need to be tackled asap.
"I DECIDED TO BE A MOTHER instead! "
Quite a strange concept you’ve got there …
At some point in our lives, my wife decided to be a mother and I decided to be a father i.e. we both decided to be parents, and both of us continued to work and continued to stay updated in our respective fields. I did not feel at any time as if I was not a father and my wife did not feel as if she was not a mother. We continued to work and provide for our children.
Yes, ok. Thank you Everybody. I will hire the attorney. Not sure if she will expect a down payment, because all of my money comes from him. Hopefully husband may come back home because I do not feel like going through a divorce. My daughter is fine. My son will be unhappy to have to come home and drive to campus. He he has friends and likes the dorm living life. I will suggest he not join social organizations, and just attend class 2 days a week. That way he will not drive so much. I do not mind driving him.
Oh, and I do not know how to access the online tuition bill pay. I have never looked at the website. My husband took charge of everything related to college attendance, money, and grades. If I start asking them how to find this information, they will become suspicious.
My goal is to withdraw son from housing. Get the housing money refund. Then when my husband sees my son is suffering, he will offer more money. That may not work though, if I cannot get money from UC Riverside.
I am sorry for what you are going through but that is a truly horrible plan. You should not make your son suffer to manipulate your husband. If you have time to drive him back and forth to school (what??) then you have time to earn your own money. Hire the lawyer asap. As a dependent spouse in a long term marriage with a minor child at home you should be able to get enough support to keep you afloat until the divorce is final. Take the advice from @blossom
If you value your relationship with your son even a little bit, you will rethink this plan to “make him suffer” in order to get more money from your husband.
OP- you will need to pay a retainer upfront to hire the lawyer. That’s the way divorce lawyers work… but legally, you two are still married, so you own half of everything you have as a couple, i.e. checking account, investments, savings, etc. But you will need to come up with some cash in order to have the lawyer draw up the agreement which says that their firm is representing you in the divorce.
You do not need your husband’s help to look up your son’s account on the website. Most likely your son has a password which allows him in to the portal, and you should feel comfortable telling your son that you want to see if there are any charges on his bill for the current semester which will need to be paid before the end of the year, and ask him for the password. You may need his social security number as well for the look up but presumably you have that. Your son will be able to help you if you can’t manage this by yourself- there are no colleges that I know of that will allow you to register for next semester if you owe them money for THIS semester, so it’s in your son’s best interests to help you look up his account. Because if he owes so much as an overdue book or a lost key to his dorm room… he can’t go back to college until those are paid up. So your son will want to help you check his bill.
Where did your husband keep all the family financial records before he moved out? These files and folders (and/or the computer he worked on) is going to be needed by the lawyer, so save yourself some time and money and start sorting things out right now. Paystubs from your husbands job? Tax returns, W2’s, payoff statements from old loans (your husbands college loans? Your college loans?) all of these papers are important depending on the circumstances of your marriage and divorce. Did you work in the first few years of your marriage to pay off his student loans? The lawyer needs to know that. Is your husband still the beneficiary on your life insurance policy (if you have one)? You’ll need to change that over so your kids are your beneficiaries. Etc.
So give yourself a pep talk and get moving. Your can’t look at your kids as your meal ticket here… YOU are responsible for taking care of them and ensuring a healthy future for them, not the other way around. So you are not going to use your son’s college money to fund your household expenses… if your son’s college is too expensive, you and he will find another college to transfer to.
OK?
@Streszedmom You may not get access to the college portal until your son grants you access. Once they are 18, they are considered adults and their information is private. You need to go to the college’s website and read the procedure for getting parental access to the online portal.
As others have stated, you will NOT be able to receive a housing refund. Any refund will likely go to your son as most colleges require students to set up direct deposit for refunds. Also, housing contracts are usually for the full academic year. It is a legally binding contract. The only way to be released from the contract is if a student is graduating early, enters the military, will be studying abroad, etc. You cannot cancel a housing contract at will.
Just because the contract is for a year, that doesn’t mean the full year has been paid for. I’ve never seen a college that charges a full year in advance. I don’t think there is any money to be refunded.
@jamgolf There’s nothing strange about being a stay-at-home mother. Whether to work or stay at home is a difficult decision for women, and both are valid choices.
I doubt very much that UC Riverside will give you money that it collected from your husband. Its not their job to transfer money between spouses. Your son probably has signed a housing contract. At this point can he withdraw for next semester? I know at my daughter’s school it would be too late.
You are probably going to have to get a job. Being a mother doesn’t mean you can’t work. I am a mother and I always worked except when I was on maternity leave. You are lucky that you have been able to go so many years without working, but it sounds like that is going to change. You are an educated adult with a current license in a marketable field. Its time to start thinking about getting a job.
I don’t think it’s a mistake to keep your pharmacy license current.
You could work part time.
You are all very sophisticated and well knowledgeable. It has been so long since I have had to do things. I feel like a fish out of water. The thing is, we are quite wealthy. My husband makes alot of money, and he is willing to pay all of the household bills. He requested that I sign off on a divorce 2 years ago. I do not want a divorce so I refused. Then last year, he again requested a divorce except this time: He MOVED OUT. He moved out, then separated our finances. He is not going to get away with this.
I cannot work because: 13 years ago, our son and daughter were being taken care of by a babysitter. My son suffered a burn when he was handling a cup of noodles. The cup of noodles fell onto his thigh. He went to the ER in an ambulance! I raged, fired the babysitter, and decided to never work again. My husband said that he understood my strong feelings. My husband has offered some papers for me to sign, he will pay the $5000 mortgage, most of the utilities and both children’s school fees. There was some mention of spousal/ child support for a number of years. But seriously? Who cares?
However I do not want to sign it because, what about other stuff?
My son still has a burn mark on his thigh due to the lack of supervision.
The other thing I did not want to mention is my son is alot like his father. I do not get along very well with my son, because when I begin complaining about our marriage he rolls his eyes.
He is just like his father, and will protect his father’s money. My daughter is the apple of my eye.