One family's BS search and application process — start to finish (and then some)

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>SevenDad, thank you for posting your thoughts and experiences. </p>

<p>I think “fit” encompasses more than is sometimes mentioned here, including how much/what types of things your child can handle on their own. IMO, it isn’t as clear cut as “If they can’t do X, they aren’t ready for boarding school.” Different schools offer different levels of support, and then there are variables of how far from home, which teachers they get, which individual advisor, etc. </p>

<p>My oldest just graduated from boarding school (not one of the big names, but an excellent, well respected school), and we’re about to started the process again with our next child.</p>

<p>I scheduled all the interviews for high schools, and will do so again. Not because he couldn’t, but because I had a better grasp of everyone’s schedules, and had more flexibility in my schedule for when I could place the calls, spend time on hold, etc. That said, my child did the apps without me, as will this one. College interviews/tours were a different story, because it’s college. </p>

<p>Exie, I’m a little unclear when you describe parents answering for the child during interviews. When we did this four (almost 5!) years ago, the kids were brought into the interview rooms without their parents, there was no question of us going in with them. Only after that portion was concluded were we invited in, sometimes with, sometimes without him, depending on the school. </p>

<p>I think everyone is different to some degree when looking at what signifies independence and readiness. I expect my kids to do their own laundry–for me, it’s part of being on your own. Others here disagree. I can’t say I’m right and they’re wrong, I know plenty of adults who send their laundry out. </p>

<p>I don’t believe in tutoring and massive test prep for the SSATs or SATs, because I want my children to end up in schools that make sense for them. </p>

<p>BTW, 7D, we looked at St Andrews for my oldest and I loved it. He was waitlisted there, and we were fortunate enough to have other excellent choices. Wishing you and your family the best over the next four years. :)</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the comments and words of encouragement for the year(s) to come! Since April 10th, I’ve been laying pretty low on CC…refocusing on work and life stuff. It’s strange to look back and think that a year (or more!) has gone by since our family’s BS search started. </p>

<p>It’s also astonishing to consider how much of my time (and my entire family’s time) has been consumed with the process over that period. How many weekends were given up for school visits/interviews/revisits/etc. Knowing what we know now, I think the second time around (for SevenDaughter’s younger sister) we’ll be much more efficient despite her being a very different person/student than SevenDaughter. No requesting of 14 info kits. No 8 initial visits.</p>

<p>I had been sitting on my recap write-up for a while, and finally made time to finalize and post. Looking at it now, I could/should have included many more points, but perhaps these can come out in response to any questions new parents/families have after reading it.</p>

<p>Thanks to many of you who reached out directly over the year or who responded to my many PMs. I think our process was positively impacted by participation on the CC forum. Hope you’re all having a great summer…we’re planning to do a little back-to-school shopping for SevenDaughter today (linens and stuff like that)…</p>

<p>@Exie: I didn’t mean to single you or that one point out…I was really just trying to capture all the things I was thinking at the time…I guess I could have left that part out, but for whatever reasons chose to include it (and stuff like my POV on the Hunter Perkins incident).</p>

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<p>I have to confess, I never saw one page of any of the boarding school applications except the parent part and nothing of the college applications. I know one of them read an essay to me, I bit my tongue and suggested he proof read it, wait awhile then proof read it again and wait another day then proof read it again. The last thing I wanted to do was read their applications and disrupt their whole train of thought. Pretty sure my better half looked them over in the end to make sure they were complete but that was about it. </p>

<p>For 7D, this will have to get bumped up next Fall for those gearing up for March 2012. I’ll PM you before the big day!</p>

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<p>I scheduled the appointments for my children. They were in school during office hours. It would have been artificial to require them to call for appointments.</p>

<p>On the other hand, I think the schools are looking for students who can adapt to the boarding school environment. If an applicant is hesitant and unsure without a parent to speak for her, what will happen in September? A student does need a certain amount of grit and independence to find a place in a new community, without going home at night.</p>

<p>Every interviewer asked our first child, and us, why she wanted to board–and why we wanted her to board. I don’t think anyone asked us that question for the second, except the school which was close enough to be a day school. And even then, it was more along the lines of, “which option do you choose?” rather than “are you sure you can send a child away to school?”</p>

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<p>@parlabane, </p>

<p>debate is good and healthy. it’s all good, as my children would say. </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>We’re actually saying the same thing:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>SevenDad’s approach as he communicated without through the year was balanced and well-thought out.</p></li>
<li><p>That parents should be involved in the process but push their child to be more in the driver’s seat and the parent should operate in the background.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Teamwork and partnership are good strategies – but some parents insist on doing all (or most) of the legwork. It may seem like a minor distinction, but it factors hugely in deciding who is ready to enter a BS and function independently.</p>

<p>And I know some parents read more into it than that. But frankly, the independent kids who are driving the process get a different read at the Admissions meetings than those whose parents are doing it. </p>

<p>We wonder why some otherwise good kids get left with few or no options. This is one reason why.</p>

<p>Parents - at some point - have to learn to stop micromanaging the process.</p>

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<p>@SevenDad,</p>

<p>:) Clearly from my long posts I’m a stream of consciousness writer too. </p>

<p>You’ve been one of my heroes on this board. Your approach and your daugher’s decision to walk a “less touted” path and choose a hidden gems school that was perfect for the family and for the student has been a good model for others to study and I think you’ve helped a lot of people on the way.</p>

<p>It would have also informed my decision making more clearly when we were choosing schools had I been starting the process now. I was HADES all the way. My clear-thinking daughter, having done a summer at one, had other ideas. </p>

<p>She is wise as are you!</p>

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<p>We were at it again yesterday, traipsing (sp?) around campus of a prestigious school on probably one of the hottest days of the summer. The AO addressed all questions to DD and I was so happy to see her poise, her thoughtfulness, wisdom and intellectual curiosity in response. It was a feeling of okay, mom, no matter what happens, she can hold her own. You and dear hubby have done a good job. </p>

<p>It’s a lot more fun the second time around. I don’t think there is as much anxiety, though when March 10 rolls around, I am sure that will change. For now, I can say it is a very uplifting and proud moment, when you realize your young teen is ready to handle the process and the excitement and the challenges ahead.</p>

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<p>I sympathize w/r/t the summer tours. We’ve done a few I thought would end in heat exhaustion. Hopefully there enough people around to give you a good feel! :)</p>

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<p>There are some clear advantages and disadvantages of summer tours and interviews. We have some scheduled in both Summer and Fall and plans to circle back on a couple as needed. Fall is just too tough to get it all done at once and I worry about too many missed days of school and keeping first term grades up etc, and although certainly it helps to get a feel for the place with the hustle and bustle of students around in the Fall, and more teachers available, some of these campuses are at their loveliest in summer and in general I think summer perhaps can afford a lot of time with an AO and an opportunity to make an impression.</p>

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<p>This is a thread that “makes you think”.
Having landed kid #2, I am taking 2 seconds to breathe before digging in to the college process for kid #1. I have to say that this board has kept me afloat, and my kids owe you all. 7dad – many thanks for taking the time to consolidate a huge range of experiences. Exie- thanks for hard-headed and on-the-money advice. RBGG – I feel that we have all grown from being part of your process. Parlabene – always a focus on the thinking person’s bottom line. Dandrew and OPS –making sure we don’t get away with woolly thinking. All the Exeter parents who were so generous with advice and information – bless you. And there are more of you who either PMd or with public comments made life so much easier for me and my family. </p>

<p>Didn’t mean to gush. Blame it on the late night. Or the 3rd glass of wine. But none the less, thank you all. </p>

<p>I am wrestling now with Exie’s standard of “let the kid drive the process”. I think it’s a good one. We didn’t quite measure up. I did the calling and the plane tickets and so on. But in our own woolly way, we tried our best, and from trying to do it “the Exie way”, even if we failed, I think we did better than we would have done otherwise… Here are some snippets which make me look like the helicopter parent, but a helicopter parent trying so hard not to be one. </p>

<p>Round 1 – fall 2009, winter 2010 - Kid #1 is somewhat dyslexic. (This makes for a complication when your mother’s alma mater is Exeter, even if your work ethic is miles better than your mother’s ever was). But we stumbled through the visit and interview process, with just about everything stacked against us – an SSAT score of 97 pctile verbal and 9 math (not making that up – that’s what happens with high functioning dyslexics), a massive (and undiagnosed until helicopter mom read an article in the newspaper about thyroid problems an became the pediatricians’ worst nightmare) thyroid problem, being in current school with girls whose parents just didn’t get it, having a mother who puts everything off till the last minute……and none-the-less, kid #1 kind of pulled herself together. The key was the essays. Amazing how writing the essays brings out the best in them. Taft’s question “describe your family and your role in it” was the making of my daughter – I was in tears as I “proofread” her essay about her goal to pull together her grandfather’s legal work, her grandma and mom’s volunteer work, and her dad’s guts when he emigrated to America with $100.00 and a gymbag’s worth of clothing. </p>

<p>Long story short –after looking very seriously at Taft, NMH, Middlesex, Exeter (okay, Exeter was just to keep mom happy, she said as we were driving away “no” ) , she ended up at Culver. It was her gut choice. Mine as well. Not her dad’s initial choice, but he has come to understand that she has found her home. Not everything at CGA worked out exactly the way I wanted it to. And yet, I can’ get that mad about the things that didn’t work – because so much worked out so well, and so many pieces of the puzzle have helped her to wrestle in a positive way with things she needs to wrestle with.<br>
Round #2 - kid #2. Horse of a different color. No academic weaknesses – but the work ethic, or lack thereof! 7th grade was………I grounded him. I am not sure it did that much good. Then I forced him into the “oh sh<em>(&^</em>&^t” moment when he realized that the math teacher he had driven crazy in 7th grade was also going to be his math teacher in 8th grade……and writing his recommendations. </p>

<p>I helicoptered his essays. Sort of . Here’s what helicoptering means: “dear son, your 7th grade transcript is going to all these fancy boarding schools – and if you can’t explain why it happened, and what you did to fix it, you are not going anywhere. And if you can’t get in to boarding school, that’s fine, but you are not going back to the nice comfy day school where everyone loves you but wishes you would stop under-achieving”.<br>
But you know what – it worked. He did get religion. He did write a “from the heart” essay about how he realized that he was letting his family down, his civilization down, and himself down, and how he had managed to change it. And he meant it, and he has changed it. As far as 14 year old boys go, he is really doing his damndest not to be a jerk. And I am not going to make a huge deal of it, but I do notice that he schools for which he wrote the “from the heart” essay accepted him, and schools for which he wrote something else (“mom, I just don’t think I can write one more time about how I screwed up and I fixed it”) respectfully declined. </p>

<p>(PS – he applied to Culver, Exeter, NMH, Middlesex and Andover – accepted at the first 3, waitlisted at Middlesex, turned down at Andover - going to Culver, because he decided that he needed to emigrate from the eastern seaboard.) </p>

<p>So………what did I just prove? I think it’s “do it the Exie way” Listen to your kids, make sure that you and they are holding themselves to the highest standards possible… ask for improvement rather than level……trust them…….be proud. Here endeth the lesson.</p>

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<p>@sevendad
Thank you so much for sharing your family’s experience, it was very helpful! But do you reccommmend have the applicant themselves call for the interview themselves or have their parents do it? I tend to be somewhat awkward on the phone so I had my mother do it last year, but I may do it myself this year I it may help. What do you think?</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t say it makes any difference. Scheduling the interview visit only involves the Admissions receptionist, who probably isn’t in the room come March. Wife scheduled all visits/interviews, son ended up with 4 acceptances and 1 WL. I fail to see any correlation. Good luck this year!</p>

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<p>Wow, ssacdfamily, nice. Thanks for sharing. I get the essay thing now. Your post helped a lot. Thanks for sharing your trials and tribulations and good luck now in the college search for “fit.” Yikes, don’t even want to start to go down that path, yet.</p>

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<p>@ssac: I think what you did is provide useful and heartfelt perspective to your child. Experience takes time and sometimes kids need a mugful of reality with their breakfast cereal.</p>

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<p>@Ephant: I agree with PelicanDad…I don’t think it matters who calls (in terms of ultimate outcome). As for your awkwardness on the phone, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to work on that going forward…use role plays with family members if that helps. Also, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to write down either your opening line or some “what I need to communicate on this call” notes so you don’t ramble. I don’t think it will hurt if you make the calls, btw. May give you some additional confidence going into the interviews.</p>

<p>@SSACDfamily: Thanks for sharing your family’s story. I think there is a balance that each family has to find on their own…most of us will fall some somewhere between a full-on helicopter and a laissez faire approach. I also appreciate your experience that two kids from the same household may need very different approaches to the whole BS process…fortunately, I have a few years before we need to gear up for SevenDaughter2!</p>

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<p>You have NO idea how much sharing with other parents informed our own journey. </p>

<p>Truly - we’ve all grown on this board through the tears, the hand wringing, the gnashing of teeth and the comparing of strategies. Somewhere in all the threads is a solution for each individual family. Maybe the message is to take kernels of truth from us all, then push the student forward one notch more than we’re comfortable with but be in range to catch 'em if they stumble.</p>

<p>(SSACD - I think we’re raising the same kids).</p>

<p>If anything, doing the “make mom happy and apply to my school” was not a good one the first year. Over some of the best mussels on the planet (Centennial Hotel in Concord, NH) my D finally told me that Exeter was last choice. We went to the interview that afternoon anyway and got a flat tire on the rental car one mile from campus. She asked if I had enough of a hint. sigh. So I learned to let go and let her drive.</p>

<p>Either way - we’re family - the parents on this board. I hope we’ll keep laughing and loving and kvetching because college stuff is coming up faster than I thought and my “let em drive strategy” may start fallin’ apart about then! :)</p>

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<p>ssacd, forgive me for my ignorance - do prep schools have many kids like your kid#1? Being “highly unbalanced” academically (e.g. 97% in verbal and 9% in math on SSATs), do they need some sort of special program or additional support in academically challenging schools? Do the schools she applied to all have such support available?</p>

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<p>Good question. I can’t pretend to have a comprehensive answer, but here’s what we saw, and how my thinking evolved. I think I’ve gotten some kind of answer to most of your questions, but if I’ve missed something, feel free to ask again. I don’t know the answer to how many kids like her are at the various schools - I don’t think she’s alone, but just don’t have any idea of the real numbers. </p>

<p>In order – what is academic rigor (I think we have to get that on the table, otherwise the rest of the discussion isn’t in context), what works for a moderately dyslexic student, did we see it at the schools we visited, and finally, some more background on my student to put the “what works” in context. </p>

<p>“academically rigorous”. Do we mean that the school doesn’t reach down the academic spectrum, and doesn’t offer anything except high-level courses? Or do we mean that the school requires from every student that an argument must be supported with facts, that every subject should be treated in detail rather than in passing, that every student should be interested in something other than their IPOD or Gameboy, that every student will push him/herself as hard as they can. </p>

<p>This is a link I posted a while ago – didn’t seem to get a lot of attention, but I still think it hits the nail on the head……</p>

<p>[What</a> does academic rigor look like? | Casting Out Nines](<a href=“http://castingoutnines.■■■■■■■■■■■■■/2008/12/19/what-does-academic-rigor-look-like/]What”>What does academic rigor look like? | Casting Out Nines)</p>

<p>It’s a great blog, written by a teacher – I’ll spare you the details, but here’s the critical lead paragraph – “For me, “rigor” in the context of intellectual work refers to thoroughness, carefulness, and right understanding of the material being learned. Rigor is to academic work what careful practice and nuanced performance is to musical performance, and what intense and committed play is to athletic performance. When we talk about a “rigorous course” in something, it’s a course that examines details, insists on diligent and scrupulous study and performance, and doesn’t settle for a mild or informal contact with the key ideas.”</p>

<p>When I define rigor like this, then the question of “how much support does the student need” gets a lot easier. In fact, what they may need is not so much extra support as extra time. </p>

<p>To put the conclusions at the front – </p>

<p>The block system (1 hour 20 min classes instead of 45-55 min classes) probably works better – more time to explain things in context. (Culver and NMH do this.)</p>

<p>Discussion-based learning helps a lot – assuming you can keep up with the reading, putting facts together into an argument plays to her strengths. Pretty much every school has some element of Harkness method these days, but some are more enthusiastic than others. Exeter is still pretty good at this, but so are other schools. </p>

<p>Interestingly, discussion-based learning helps in math as well as humanities – with 20-20 hindsight, she might have benefitted a lot from “Harkness math” in the early going, and is benefitting from it now. Exeter is really good at this, and has (god bless it) exported it - my daughter’s Culver math teacher went to the Exeter summer math institute, and seems to have gotten the magic. </p>

<p>A larger school can probably offer a broader range of classes –which means you can put the student in a class which stretches them but doesn’t kill them. If you get it exactly right, then they can push themselves, and don’t need the extra support. For example - to be in a higher math class, she might have needed extra support, to be in a lower level math class and physics class, she just had to keep up with the work, go to regular “extra help” with the teacher, and spend some quality time with a dorm-mate who had a knack for explaining things. This gets back to the rigor question – if she’s finally getting the math into her bones, which does seem to be happening with the chance to start over and take it slow – then I think that’s rigorous. (Her brother, two years younger, will probably start ahead of her in math this fall - so what. He will have to make progress in order to impress me. )</p>

<p>And, while plugging along in lower-level math, she can race ahead in Humanities. The class discussion that I heard on parents’ weekend was right up there – certainly reminded me of my 10th grade discussions – and also met the definition of rigor. </p>

<p>Perhaps the most important thing – a focus on progress rather than results. Dyslexics are really good at making progress. Results eventually come, but they do best when the environment says “make progress and the results will take care of themselves”. </p>

<p>I think it comes down to whether the school is or is not comfortable with the wide range. Once they’ve decided that they are comfortable with a wider range of readiness or ability, then there is the question of how they deal with it – accurate class placement, extra support, or both. I suspect they all ask for a strong work ethic – that’s the secret sauce that makes everything come out right. </p>

<p>Background stuff -
I am somewhat repeating myself here – but I think it’s useful to know the background so that you get some sense of where she is on the “issues” spectrum, and you can judge whether this is an acute problem or a more general “make a few changes here and there and see how we do” problem. </p>

<p>Background on dyslexics – they get it as well as anyone – maybe better, since their pattern recognition skills are pretty good - but doing the work usually takes them longer. A lot longer. My daughter’s work ethic came in part because she just had to. Also, she re-took the SSAT and managed to raise the 9th pctile to 18th – still a challenge! Her math teacher told me that she thought the “real number” was probably somewhere in the 40s-50s, which I think is fair representation, and also tells you how much test anxiety may have been involved. So her profile is one of test anxiety plus dyslexia, offset by work ethic, good recs from her previous school, 4 years of summer volunteer work (which she loves and can talk for hours about), okay sports (no travel teams, but decent ability) and I think (if you’ll believe her mother) a pretty good brain that comes out in her ability to engage with adults and talk about a wide range of subjects that matter to her. </p>

<p>A complicating factor was the hyper-thyroid – as it turns out (wish I had known this a lot earlier): the poor hyperthyroid sufferer is not only exhausted, but has a hard time to stay focused on anything. Put all together, it was a mess, and I continue to be amazed that the schools, who were by and large supportive, were able to see through it all. </p>

<p>I don’t really know where she falls on the spectrum of learning issues – I’ve known people with severe dyslexia, and, knowing what those kids went through, it seems almost shameful to say my daughter had a problem at all. But I think she has had to work awfully hard to get where she is, and we could have given her more help that we did – we had a lot of tutoring in grade school, but stopped it in middle school – with 20-20 hindsight, that was probably a mistake, but we were advised to give her the chance to fly on her own. </p>

<p>Finally - A little ancient history - To take Exeter as an example - one thing that doesn’t get a lot of mention is that at least in the 70s, and, according to my dad, in the 50s, there was a fairly wide range of students there. To quote the old man, who was a top student – “there were the guys I was with in science, math, and English – and then there were the guys I was with in French” (he butchered French for 4 years – not sure either he or French ever recovered). My experience, 25 years later, was similar. The defining feature wasn’t how smart you were, it was how hard you worked and how much progress you made. To be realistic – nobody was dumb. But I don’t recall spending a lot of time thinking how smart we were either. </p>

<p>I am not exactly clear whether that is still the case – to judge from the current parents’ comments, there is still a place for the “stronger in one thing than another” kid, and my impression from my visit there last December is that the kids are really nice. During our visit, the AO and I talked about the math lab and the reading lab, which sounds like it’s more developed now than in earlier years, although I do recall a comment somewhere in these threads that an Exeter student has to really fall before the system kicks in to help. </p>

<p>So, bottom line - I feel that the question should be less “can a dyslexic find a fit in a rigorous school” and more, “what is the kind of rigorous school that fits a dyslexic”. Importantly, I don’t think the school has to compromise –the things that make it better for the moderate dyslexic actually make it better for a lot of other folks as well. From my immediate experience Culver makes it work, NMH makes it work, and for some reason I get the feeling that Exeter may still make it work also. Each to a different degree, and with a somewhat different mix of elements, but the elements are there. The fact that I don’t mention Taft or Middlesex is because I don’t think I was focused on asking the right questions during the visit. I had a great conversation with the head of school at MX, and she gave me some great advice about tackling the SAT, but we didn’t talk much about what is MX can do for the “unbalanced academic”. </p>

<p>We didn’t look at the school, but a friend’s child at Berkshire is getting a lot of extra academic support from the school, and the support is being offered in a very positive way.</p>

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<p>ssacd, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. While I think your definition of “academic rigor” makes sense, to me at least on the surface academic rigor means fast paced classes, demanding work in amount and difficulty and a LOT of effort to achieve an A or even a B. I agree there are courses of different levels to facilitate the needs of different individuals, and often times the more advanced courses are the ones that are more demanding as the students of high aptitude in the subject effectively raise the bar. That said, I’d still be a little concerned how a kid who scored 9-18% in SSAT math, a fairly easy test (if you don’t mind me say so) would fit in a regular HS math class with peers of similar aptitude in an academic challenging school, – hence the question if typically there are many such kids in those schools. Since math and sciences are related, would they have problems with science classes too? </p>

<p>You mentioned these kids usually take a lot longer to do the work. Would the school assign less work or give them a more generous deadlines as part of the support? Sorry if I still don’t get it. I am genuinely interested in the topic.</p>

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<p>I think I can help ssacd out because I’ve interviewed hundreds of kids. Standardized exams require students to think in a certain way - and under an artificial time constraint. It’s not necessarily an indicator of a student’s aptitude or ability to process and synthesize information absent of that one variable. Hence, many schools are starting to recognize that rather than create a “one size, fits all” environment, they’re more open to stretching the methodology to accommodate students whose learning style isn’t cookie cutter but are nonetheless very bright. That may mean more time on assignment. It may mean other methods (such as one on one time with the tutor or instructor, or a counselor that works on the specific issue and helps the student develop skills to compensate for a deficit). Which is why - even at the college level, standardized tests are being de-emphasized over a holistic look at the child. </p>

<p>A good example is a visual learner may do better than an auditory learning. Likewise, some students excel when they can touch and manipulate something. </p>

<p>Rigorous - in most cases, means the subject matter is complex, requires a degree of high order thinking to synthesize and analyze information once the information is absorbed. It’s not necessarily mutually exclusive that students who need a different way to get the information processed are therefore unable to master it on par with their peers.</p>

<p>Either students can do the work or they can not. Which is why grades, recommendations, essays and supplemental materials count for so much. If that were not the case, many schools wouldn’t accommodate students who needed extra time on tests (for example), nor would the testing organizations allow those scores to be considered against students who did not. </p>

<p>Test scores are but one of many “factors” in determining a student’s ability. Some of the lowest scored students (who otherwise met all other criterian) often tend to do better than their peers because they can’t afford to slack off or take anything for granted.</p>

<p>I think that’s why I’ve become so enamored with how admission’s decisions are changing. That a “whole” child sometimes trumps an artificial “test score”.</p>