<p>I don’t have IRS experience, but have acted on their behalf with a variety of agencies. I never pretended to be them (and now only my father is alive-daughter here). When I had a cooperative, competent enough elder in the room with me on one government agency call, I was able to put them on the phone for permission to talk to the agency and that was efficient. Otherwise, you can email the IRS or check their procedures on the website to see if there is further information. It is so complicated and varies by agency. I have had luck getting agencies to send things directly to me, sometimes PoA was required, but often not. Good luck, GTalum. Hopefully, someone else can be more specific about the IRS. </p>
<p>I filled out form 2848 and followed the instructions to use my POA. They assigned me a number that I can use to
discuss my mom’s taxes although I haven’t had to use it yet. I’ve spent the last year getting POA’s in place with every agency, account and so on that I can think of. It’s a pain, but so so nice when it’s done. I don’t think the IRS will accept the POA without form 2848. Print it out from the internet. Good luck.</p>
<p>Also, IIRC there is a place on the 1040 where the taxpayer can indicate a representative. </p>
<p>Happily, out of the 9 new pairs of shoes we ordered, mom fit one well and is also interested in possibly another. We are mailing the other 7 pairs back to Zappos. I spoke to the nice rep on the phone and she helped me select 7 more pairs, which she is mailing me. I hope some of these will fit nicely am hoping some will fit. </p>
<p>When I make calls on behalf of my folks, I am split. Sometimes, if it’s convenient, I put my mom or dad on the phone to authorize them to speak to me. I confess that on occasion, I will just assume Mom’s identity and straighten things out. </p>
<p>Thanks preironic, I found the form 2848 and downloaded them. It looks like this will be the first of many forms I will need. to make a long list!</p>
<p>LasMa- Unfortunately, TurboTax didn’t lead me to the designated representative you can appoint! Though I did see that while googling today about the problem. </p>
<p>Travelnut and HImom - Up till now, I’ve done the “in the room” thing, but the issue with the taxes is so confusing and they don’t remember from moment to moment that there is a problem with the taxes. </p>
<p>The place you can designate someone to speak about your return is on the 1040, almost right above the final signature. You can go to that form in TurboTax and put your name in. It may only apply to that one year however. I don’t know - just assuming. I always fill that in also, but I think it’s limited in what info can be discussed .</p>
<p>
Funny about the thank you notes, my FIL has always been the first to complain if not thanked or acknowledged, yet he rarely answers the kids emails or thanks them for cards they send. Hmmmm.</p>
<p>My dad doesn’t open gifts he gets, so folks are not giving him gifts much any more. I prefer to take him & mom out or give them something they NEED instead of wasting money and time on more clothing when he already has WAY more than he needs. Mom ends up returning a HUGE portion of things that she’s gifted with, which is a huge inconvenience for her and us (plus she often gets less value than the person paid when they bought it). She also has WAY more clothing than she needs, so we take her and dad out and buy them delicious meals with us rather than more stuff.</p>
<p>We have sent the in laws several food gift items via Costco and found them to be pretty good quality and well received, especially the nuts & dried fruit.</p>
<p>We see them often, so taking them out for meals works well (otherwise dad & mom insist on paying). 
We really don’t want to add to their growing food stash.</p>
<p>I’ve been lurking on this thread for the most part since its inception and I thank you all for sharing your wisdom. My dad had a stroke four years ago and was left essentially paralyzed on his left side, with some cognitive deficit. He can speak and swallow, but pre-existing hearing issues have led to pretty much complete deafness. My mom has lovingly cared for him at home, with hourly aides twice a day, keeping him in excellent health, but for the deficits caused by the stroke. As you can imagine, this has taken a toll on her but she would have it no other way. I have a sister who is local to them (I live 400 miles away, another sister is 250 miles away) and she brings meals a few times a week and is, of course, the emergency contact. He is declining…at 86 its amazing he’s survived this long, but my mom might as well have an MD and a PharmD. She’s as good a nurse as good be, and medical professionals have noted that she is the reason he’s in a “good” shape as he is. His aides adore and love him, watching for any minor change in skin condition or anything so they can treat immediately. I could not ask for more in this regard. However, as a woman of her generation (she’s 82 next month) and given their relationship prior to this (they did everything together and traveled extensively), she cannot bring herself to do anything for herself save go to the gym 2 hours a week. I worry that she will collapse before he does. But I digress - my real issue now is that he has stopped eating. I know, and intellectually she knows, that this is probably the beginning of the end. I feel horrible admitting that, but reality is this vibrant 220 lb man is now truly a 130 lb shell of his former self. He cannot do anything for himself, save eat, and I think he’s either exhibiting the only control he has and making a conscious decision or his brain has ceased to register hunger and the desire to eat. Either way I fear the end result will be the same. We will use no extraordinary measures and nature will take its course, but it is heartbreaking to hear her frustration with the situation and quite honestly, with him. </p>
<p>I’m so not sure where I was going with this, but thanks for listening. </p>
<p>@runnersmom, I am so sorry. My dad (91) died a couple of weeks ago. He was the caretaker of my stepmother who has increasing Alzheimers-related dementia until a couple of years ago when he realized that he needed help (gradually and with great resistance). For the last year they had a live-in aide through an agency. The two primary aides (not counting their days off) were wonderful women. He still cooked 2 meals a day and viewed it as his mission to stay alive longer than his wife because he knew that her son would put her into a nursing home. I was there several times a week to take him food shopping (so he wouldn’t drive, ugh, ugh, ugh!) and to keep an eye on things.</p>
<p>Earlier this month he was hospitalized for some stuff, nothing major, but when he was being prepared for discharge, he had a massive stroke. I was so lucky that he had explicit instructions in a living will so I could say do-not-resuscitate, no feeding tube, no antibiotics, etc. And they kept him in the hospital for hospice care. But he held on for a week until I finally thought to tell him that her son appeared to be trying to do the right thing, that there was nothing more he could do for his wife, that my daughter was all set for college, and that he could let go. I sat with him all day holding his hand and he died shortly after I left the hospital.</p>
<p>So not the same story but there are similarities and I send my sympathy and empathy. I am sure it will be very, very hard for your mom but I can tell you that it has been great comfort for me when friends and family tell me that I did right by them and I am sure it will be the same for your mom. Therapy helps too!</p>
<p>(((((HUGS)))))</p>
<p>Runnersmom, I’m so sorry. </p>
<p>Caregiver burnout is a real thing. The possibility of your mom’s collapsing is very real. Has hospice been brought in? They can help her as well as your dad. </p>
<p>@runnersmom. I am sorry for this stress and ending. It will be hard for her. I have no advice here, just hugs hugs hugs.</p>
<p>oldmom, still sorry for your recent loss and sending strength and energy to get through the estate process as lightly as possible. <em>Stuff</em> is usually a metaphor for something else buried way back. I only have some cyber hugs for you, too.</p>
<p>I spent almost a week tending my Mom/her things at Easter. It went well. I got the demolition permit to finish burning down (firemen, Learn to Burn program) the house I grew up in. It was the cheapest way to get it cleaned up. Wasn’t enough insurance to rebuild unless we did it ourselves. Bro is a contractor and wanted to do it, but he doesn’t live in town anymore. You CAN’T do it long distance! Harder for my brother to let go also since he not only grew up in it, but lived there 15 years raising his family. I pushed to burn it, being more practical. Bro <em>said</em> he was OK with it (we are co-trustees for Mom’s crud so have to agree) but in his heart I don’t think he is OK and I hope it doesn’t boil up later. We aren’t on the same page, but at least we are mostly reading from the same book.</p>
<p>Thanks, @esobay. I have 2 brothers. Very long story but one was written out of the will 3 years ago. He plans to contest the will. He did this before with an aunt’s will and almost the entire value of the estate was spent in litigation. My dad’s estate is bigger (certainly not huge but my aunt’s was pretty tiny) but I could see this going the same way. I am so upset I could throw up. But I am not so surprised, just horrified that nightmares come true.</p>
<p>runnersmom, I’m so sorry about your dad.</p>
<p>When my aunt, who had severe dementia, stopped eating we realized it was her body saying it was time to go. We didn’t do any extraordinary measures, and in a few days she passed quietly and apparently without pain. For that, I am grateful.</p>
<p>Fang is right. Loss of appetite is common on the end stage of life. Forcing food in that situation is actually a disservice</p>
<p>runnersmom, so sorry about your dad and feel for you mom. My FIL died recently and we let nature take it’s course when he stopped eating. My FIL took care of his wife for years and actually revitalized after she died. As to your mom, when your dad dies, she will need lots of support as her sole purpose in life has been to take care of your dad. </p>
<p>One of the reasons why it’s a good idea to get Hospice involved is that they are very helpful predicting the course of events leading to a peaceful death. He will have drugs available as needed, no question, and you and your mom won’t have to wonder. My dad was in the hospital when he had his stroke and they kept him for hospice. I am so grateful to the nursing staff. They were wonderful, and helped me adjust to the fact that death is a part of everyone’s life. Medicare will cover all costs.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. This is one of those situations where it’s hard to tell if it’s that time, or if his meds (he’s on a Fentanyl patch) are just overwhelming his systems, but either way it sucks. I’ve broached hospice with her and asked her to talk to their doctor who is a wonderful, caring man but she doesn’t seem ready to go there yet. Reality is, they have aides in morning and night for get out of bed and go to bed routine. The morning aide does “therapy” with him every day, including ambulating and when he can, they still go for water therapy. His only medications are for a fib and pain, all others have been discontinued, and they have all the accoutrements needed for someone in his condition - hospital bed, roll-in-shower, wheelchair and lift. Not sure what hospice would really add at this point anyway. He does not have dementia, from a technical standpoint, and on a good day still engages with what he reads on TV - CNN is his constant companion :). I think I was just venting regarding a situation that after fours years seems to be moving quickly towards a final resolution. Of course four years ago we didn’t know if he’d survive the night, so he’s seen his grandchildren grow, graduate and become wonderful adults. All good things. I know it sounds a bit bizarre, but I hope for her to have some more living left after he’s gone. She’s always wanted to see the tulips in the Netherlands - I want to take her. When she’s rational and not exhausted she tells me that they had a great life and crossed many things off their bucket lists, including circling the Cape of Good Hope only 3 weeks before this happened. GT, I’m hoping that for her and I know he would too. </p>