<p>It has been a year since moving my parents with mild dementia from their home to a CCRC. The only way I know how to tell the parents it is time is to have all the siblings on board and have a loving family conversation. This worked for us, but we did move them before it was “too late.” Trips are a disaster. They get lost at every hotel and my father falls a lot because he likes to “explore.” Fortunately, he is not frail. They lose track of time and place. The CCRC is wonderful and independent living works for them even though the trips are so difficult. I am planning travel to a family reunion in October and after that, no more traveling! After our recent travels for D’s graduation which all orientation was totally destroyed, they are doing fine back at independent living. </p>
<p>Psychmomma … so sorry you are going through this.</p>
<p>You have mentioned dementia … does your mom have Alzheimers? If so I’d recommend the book “The 30 Hour Day” … I found it very helpful. One learning for me was there is a pretty standard list of potential symptoms/issues that dementia patients deal with … however which of these symptoms/issues a particular person deals with is different and how they affect each person also vary. In the end each person’s path is unique but sounds familiar to others who have dealt with dementia.</p>
<p>Your Mom’s wandering, covering (stories explaining things she can’t explain), liking routine, not dealing well with new places, frustration, resisting her limitations … all sound very familiar to me (and lots of others with parents with these issues).</p>
<p>I’ll start at the end. A worker at the AL center my Mom now lives said to my dad … “As her husband your job is not that you provide the best care for your wife… but that you be her supportive husband and ensure someone is giving her the best care possible” Implied in that comment was my Dad (and my sister and I) could not longer give my Mom the best care by ourselves …and that was correct. </p>
<p>For my Mom the path went something like this. First, we had someone come into the house for a few hours every couple of days … not for my Mom, who hated the visitors … but for my Dad, who needed some time off. Eventually the help came everyday. Next we found elder day care where my Mom went for 4 hours or so … interestingly, even though she complained about going she liked it as there were lots of people and things to do. Like you Mom my Mom was a wanderer and that in many ways was the biggest issue … between worrying about her leaving at night … and also general safety (stairs, stove, microwaves, knives, etc) her staying at home was just too much for my Dad. We eventually faced the choice of AL or retrofitting the house for safety and hiring full-time help so my Mom could stay in our house. We went the AL living center and it was a great choice for my Mom. The progression of intervention happened over about a year. It stunk the whole way through … my we did the best we could at each point … and looking back I feel pretty good about the choices we made for my Mom.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>A (now) funny story about caring for a parent with dementia. </p>
<p>My parents went on a snowbird trip every winter and even after we knew my Mom had Alzheimer’s my dad wanted to take her one last time. My sister and I offered to fly with them to help my Dad care for my Mom on the trip … but my Dad said he would be OK … they have a bunch of friends at their destination who had offered to help with care there … he only had to worry about 24/7 care on the trips themselves and he could handle the trips fine.</p>
<p>So I drive them to the airport and drop them off. My Dad is in 24/7 mode (at least that is the plan). They gather their luggage and head into the terminal. Then they immediately fall into their regular travel routine which involves my Mom staying with the luggage while my Dad heads off to take care of something (to get a luggage cart?). What happened to the 24/7 watch Mom travel plan ??? And of course my Mom immediately wanders off the opposite direction of my Dad. They are 15 seconds into their trip and she’s already lost and I have a front row seat through the window of the terminal.</p>
<p>Everything turned out OK and it is funny looking back now … and also clear how easy it is to not understand how old routines may not longer be appropriate.</p>
<p>My dad tried one last trip to Florida. They rented a condo and one day he called me to say that he woke up in the middle of the night and my stepmother was gone. He said that “a little old lady brought her back.” Of course my stepmother was 90 and five feet tall at the time. That was the first and last time she wandered, but that was their last trip.</p>
<p>Funny in retrospect, 3togo. Remember when our kids were little, and every time we thought we had them figured out, they’d move into a new phase and we’d have to figure out a new set of tactics? It’s the same with these parents of ours.</p>
<p>Very true, LasMa.</p>
<p>This morning, someone nicely took my mother to brunch and she did ‘not have time’ to take her morning meds-all it takes a little change in routine- when she got home she was confused on the phone, but took meds and I think that straightened it around. </p>
<p>We just got home from moving my mother. The two of us who do everything continued on with the tradition and us and our husbands did the move. My brother stopped by to say hello and then went golfing. My sister was so furious she told him he’d clean up the old place before settlement, and that place is a mess as well. This was truly the worst move I’ve ever lived through. Mom acted like it was all a surprise, didn’t even gather up toiletries, etc. Didn’t tell the packers what to pack and not pack. Hardly enough room for everything and we ended up hauling a bunch of stuff out. Things that she refused to give up, I just said, okay, I’ll put them here in a box in your closet in the hallway - it’s the length of the hallway. She was grateful one second and awful the next. My sister found several ‘stolen’ items of mom’s. It was days of non-stop unpacking, assembling, etc. </p>
<p>This morning mom lost it a bit. Told me she was being held captive in the new apartment. It was 7am, I was in my pj’s and just making plans for the day to get some things to hang her pictures. We all had various keys for legit reasons - one person had car keys to get it fixed, another had the keys to the old place to clean it out, I had keys to her apartment so I could park in the one spot as I was the one running errands and getting stuff in and out. Accused my brother in law of stealing her tea. Her years old, dusty gross tea bags. </p>
<p>I’m just glad it’s done. She’s more compact on one floor, but still clearly needs an aid. We’ll see what she does. This apartment has a laundry room in the lobby, not in the unit and there is no way she can manage that. </p>
<p>I told my two no shows - the next move was on them. I would not participate. </p>
<p>Ugh, eyemom. I guess you can at least say that that’s behind you now, but ugh. I don’t blame you and your sister for being p!ssed. I don’t get that mindset of “I’ll watch my siblings do all the work.”</p>
<p>My dad also thought he was incarcerated for awhile after the move. </p>
<p>Hugs. Hopefully your mom will stabilize a little as she gets settled in.</p>
<p>UGH, eyemom. all you can say is Glad it is over for now. … HA I just realized I said same as Las Ma.</p>
<p>My bro helped a LOT, but I truly don’t think anyone did as much as my DH for the clean up after Mom was out. . And he really never liked Mom at all. Bro and I would walk around picking up stuff and putting it down. H would make us “DEAL WITH IT” for whatever we touched. </p>
<p>I moved Mom by myself though. Just enough stuff to get her out of the nursing home into the independent living. Her “handy” man helped move the bed and armoire. I kind of resented my bro not being there, but I got over it. He was sort of there in spirit and that was probably all he could face.</p>
<p>You have gotten over the worst I think. Mom threatened and ranted about stolen stuff and would have moved home IF she could have found anyone to take her. I am glad now that handy man didn’t. I bet he would have in another month, but I got him out just in time. The other thing we did that helped her was to get her old preacher to come visit and counsel her twice a month for almost the whole first year. He focused her on positive things and outcomes.</p>
<p>So, eyemamom, she’s home alone in the new place? Will she be ok? Anyone local to visit?</p>
<p>She moved within a half mile of her old place. She’s now walking distance to my sister. It’s the same town she’s lived for 30 years so nothing changes about shopping, doctors, etc. She’s now in the center of the town. If she could walk still she’d love it, so much within walking distance, but now once she realizes the car situation should be a thing of the past, she can take cabs for just a few dollars. </p>
<p>I don’t get how my brother could watch my husband and bil bust their asses setting up his mother and be okay going out golfing. A senior living/assisted living/nursing home is literally next door, and probably where she’ll go in a year, maybe two if she actually gets some help. My sis ran into someone from there last night and she said she almost always sees it’s the oldest and youngest daughter who end up doing everything. </p>
<p>Thank goodness she’s moved! I’ve been dreading this forever and I told my other two siblings hope they enjoyed sitting this one out. I will not participate in the next move, it would be on them. Being in a much smaller place on one floor will be so much better for my mom. Lots of older people live in the building.</p>
<p>Mom is so obnoxiously stubborn it’s going to take for her to suffer some small consequences to make her realize having an aid two hours a day is necessary, and not the worst thing in the world.</p>
<p>I sympathize Eymamom, moves are so hard and disorienting for the elderly. I am so glad my big move with my parents are behind me. Truly the most stressful time in my life! I would be furious with your brother as well. What gives him such entitlement? If it makes you feel better, one year after the move with my parents, their dementia is stable and my dad is functioning better than ever (before the recent “trip”). </p>
<p>eyemamom, so glad that move is over for you and boy, when you are little kids growing up you never realize how it will be when you are adult siblings and some clearly put more effort into “family” than others. Hope the adjustment for your mom goes ok.
My mom has settled back into her routine here. She was humming and singing the same night we got home - after her being stubborn and sitting on the curb throughout lunch earlier. At least after being here a year, she does have a routine.
The cleanout of her house seems elusive. Not only is it far, now the main road to get there is completely closed while a bypass is constructed nearby. This adds several miles to any trip from the town to the house and back. Doable but annoying and time-consuming. Although it caused problems, I’m glad a couple family members filled and tossed most of the kitchen canned and boxed food that was in cabinets. I am quite pleased knowing that everything that leaves her house will not reappear (as when she lived there and visited the dumpster once we left) and each bit of progress is permanent (all the junk mail comes to me, never again to pile waist high in every room at her house).</p>
<p>Kudos for getting through the move. And to your sister for telling off your brother.</p>
<p>Moves are disorienting, as we can all attest. My mother has been in a nursing home for 7 years, and they’re planning to move everyone in her wing to a different wing so they can do renovations and expansion. Nobody is looking forward to that. Staff are dreading it. Hopefully it takes a long time for them to get town approvals for what they want to do.</p>
<p>Know how, over the decades, some of our older relatives cling to those same pictures on the wall or photos of us in hs or college, that same doodad on the table, favorite teacup, etc? It can be helpful to keep some of those around whether it’s a new place or a short move like shellfell’s. Seeing the things that brought them comfort can still do the job. They can’t have everything, but a few things can be 'orienting." That was important to my MIL, when she moved into AL. When she temporarily lived with us, for what turned out to be the last months, we moved things around in her bedroom to get in a favorite chair and hang those pictures. She had dementia, but somehow these things gave her comfort. They were familiar.</p>
<p>I agree Lookingforward, I put up the “dining room” picture above Mom’s new dining room table. Forturnately it was a small one so was a good match for the tiny new place. Now i think it would be disorienting for her to go “home” if home actually existed anymore.</p>
<p>When my mom moved into memory care last year one of the suggestions was to bring a few familiar objects, and pictures of family members. I printed up and framed new snapshots of my now teen-aged children to help her keep them in her working memory. Unfortunately, darn it, when my husband did the final sweep of her LR at home to gather familiar things to put on her TV stand, he picked up 2 pictures of my kids at a much younger age. She put them right back on her TV stand, and there they are smiling away at her, but as little kids. When the teens go in for a visit now she’s very confused about who they are … ‘my grandchildren are little.’ I tried swapping the photos once, but she got very upset,wanted things left as they are. Another can’t win situation. </p>
<p>@eyemamom Add me to the ‘be glad it’s over’ chorus. I also have a do-nothing sibling, she uses the excuse that she is too disabled to travel, yet she somehow manages to get to Disney World once a month. I was very resentful for some months, but then came to the realization that is was actually easier for me and dh to make all the decisions ourselves. At least she didn’t balk at any of it, even from long distance. I can face my days knowing that we (dh and I) did the best we could for Mom and for her belongings. I wonder sometimes if the do-nothings have a lot of guilt, but maybe they are able to justify it to themselves somehow. </p>
<p>Good luck to everyone in dealing with their ‘oldies.’ To amuse myself, that’s what I named my online folder of links and info on eldercare, oldies.</p>
<p>12dandelion, your story of your mom not knowing who your now-teen kids are reminded me of something that happened with my dad. I walked into the room one day and he clearly recognized my face but couldn’t place me. Finally he said “Oh, it’s you, Pearl!” (not my name) I said, “Yep! How are you??” I figured, what’s to be gained by correcting him?</p>
<p>We think Pearl was an aunt of his, and maybe I now look something like she did when Dad was young. Another time he called me Gloria. No idea on that one.</p>