Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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<p>Dates and times were the first things to go from Mom’s memory, now almost all names. She cuts photos from the newspaper of women that look somewhat like me, at some stage of my life, and then says it’s too bad they got my name wrong. Actually one of those photos inspired me to get a new hairstyle, after seeing how it looked on Betty F. :slight_smile:
When my grandmother was very aged (she lived to 100), she started calling my dad Tony. Tony was one of her brothers, but we also figured out that Dad at that point looked like her brother. </p>

<p>As @LasMa said, no point in correcting them. I read on the alz.org forums last year that ‘agree and distract’ is often a good technique. The memory care facility uses the motto 'join their journey," which I see as just a nicer way to say 'go along with it." I know it can be very hard to go along with it when you’re being called the wrong name, or trying to get them out the door to an appointment or something. </p>

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<p>MIL would mistake DH for his dad, who died young. DH found it disconcerting. No, no point in correcting, unless something about it disturbs them. Goes for many situations. I had to draw a line when, for reasons we never understood, MIL took a dislike to D2, who was maybe about 8. It required a change in some family patterns. </p>

<p>Distract is a secret weapon. I mentioned earlier that I had to use it with my grandmother, who could be nasty.</p>

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<p>My mom is very hard to distract. The facility mentioned it too, that she gets ‘stuck in a groove.’ </p>

<p>Sorry about your MIL and D2. I remember a grandmother saying “sometimes we even want to visit xxxx” (which was me). I never knew what the ‘even’ was about, other than my dad being an only child, and so maybe in her mind one child was enough, and I was the spare. :wink: </p>

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<p>Kudos eyeamom. What a great thing done. </p>

<p>I have 2 siblings who aren’t helpful with any aspect of elder care and never were. I keep counting my blessings that I have the benefit of what I’ve learned from process, as well as the fact that they are not asking to be involved in any decision making. I told them both early on in the process that they were free to move the elders near them and take over if the plans in place for their move near me were not to their liking, as the place is top-notch, non-profit, with an commitment to their residents through a continuum of care for life and I knew I couldn’t surpass it. That never came to be. </p>

<p>It is often annoying, but better to know who you are dealing with and then take care of the elder and yourself/your family. Can be sooner said than done…</p>

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<p>I also wonder how some of them sleep at night. How do you just not participate when your siblings are driving in, and spending a holiday working all day every day? There must be some kind of rationalization going on. While we were spending all day in 95 degree heat one day, my brother was out golfing. My sister has a much harder time accepting this than me. I just get that he’s only willing to do so much and I never expected he would participate.</p>

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<p>Well, the ‘other shoe dropped’ and my mother became increasingly paranoid and afraid of staying at home tonight. called all her family and neighbors (interestingly except me) and asked them to stay with her. she watched the news and crime reports and that did it. last 2 weeks have been terrible for her with confusion and memory problems. I called an ambulance to bring her to the hospital today and the ER doctor was very understanding of dementia and admitted her. I will contact her internist tomorrow and discuss assisted living for dementia that she was in 15 months ago for a month. the family/neighbors have been too supportive and I had to call them to not intervene with the hospitalization and placement. giving her a ride home to live alone was not going to work now. luckily my brother and I are on the same page (I hope). this will be a relief I hope for mom and us, but I expect the next year to be rocky. I am going with the local assisted living for now with eventual tentative plans to be near me. </p>

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<p>Regarding siblings helping or not, I have always been the sibling emotionally closest to my parents, I am much younger than the rest and had a bit of only child experience growing up and my parents were different people by then. It is not a surprise to be the main one, it was a surprise how little any one else would do.</p>

<p>Somewhere along the way as we were walking and talking, DH pointed out that is is 24/7/365 me, 100% me, why was I expecting anything from anyone else. Once that got through my thick skull, I found it freeing. I no longer expected faraway siblings to call weekly and entertain her (one does and I count that a blessing, not an expectation), I no longer expect any help whatsoever from the sibling in the same town and it really is better than way.</p>

<p>By the same token, I do inform the others, periodically, of what is going on, and I try to ask input from the sibling who stays the most in touch, but mainly, I make all the decisions and I implement all the decisions and I am 100% responsible for everything.</p>

<p>I have been able to get one of my faraway siblings to host our mother when I go to that town on other business, so I deliver her and they are willing to take her for those time periods. I will confess to you all that I sometimes want to make the picture more clear to our mother, as she waxes poetic regarding the lovely time she is having with them & their kids, wants to give them gifts etc, an immature part of me wants to tell her just how much arm twisting it is to get them to take her for a few days twice a year. I know that any time with them is a gift for her. I know she and Daddy never went to visit them the last 20 years because Dad did not like to travel and reconnecting now with her kid & the grand kids is a special treat. I just sometimes find it hard to stomach her glorying in “all they do for her” when I know it is a fight every time to get them to take her, often with good reason, but still, hard to listen to the adoration when I had to fight the good fight on her behalf.</p>

<p>Mainly, I figure if I am doing all the work, I am making all decisions & that just makes life simpler, at least I feel that way since i got all this figured out and it is a much easier attitude to live with than wishing others were helping more.</p>

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<p>Somemom, glad you have your H’s support. Pat yourself on your back ,as only you really know how hard it is to do what you are doing.</p>

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<p>Warning…rant follows…</p>

<p>Since my father passed away in February at the age of 93, I’ve had to face the reality of the relationship with my mother – age 89.</p>

<p>Suffice it to say she and I have always had a strained relationship. She will say things, do things and behave in ways with me that she wouldn’t dare repeat with my only sibling – a younger sister, or anyone else for that matter. At the core, mom needs to be sure she is seen as the the one who has had to hardest time in life and who is still dealt a bad hand of cards on a daily basis. She needs to claim the ‘I’m the most miserable’ token in any conversation.</p>

<p>Yesterday, after getting up at 4:00 a.m. to drop son at airport I had arranged to meet with a potential housekeeper at mom’s house. Mom has not been happy with her weekly assistance since her person of 3 years went out on disability. I get the never ending, repeating litany of how lazy, arrogant and unhelpful the new people are. The potential housekeeper has worked for one of my best friends for many years – including helping my friend with her mother when she was in a similar situation as I am now. </p>

<p>So, there I sit at mom’s house – bleary eyed at the crack of dawn waiting for her to awake. I make conversation by telling her it’s been a busy week since we came back from our family vacation. It was a hectic time trying to get S and D reset with laundry, shopping etc as they were both heading out within a few days of our return to their next summer activities. Her response in summary – you don’t work, you have all the time in the world, do you know how bad my life was when I was your age, all you and H want to do now is travel…etc. (FWIW…H and I run our own business and spend hours each day ‘working’, this doesn’t include the hours and hours H has spend on my parents business and life management issues). 5 minutes in the same room and it was already a fight. Yes, mom …I give you my heartfelt permission to have the ‘I had it worse’ token for each and every situation.</p>

<p>Housekeeper arrives and she seems amazingly perfect. I hire her for 1 day a week for the next month just to get mom’s house back up to a normal standard. It’s not an hour later mom starts lamenting that it’s a lot of money and I’m overpaying the housekeeper. Let’s not get logic involved…she’s paying the agency people she hates more per hour than this new person who will be doing a better job. Ugh. </p>

<p>I find out from D that mom went on a rant about how all of her Dad’s family are ne’er do wells. (And for the record - out of 7 kids only one is struggling and always has been to some degree). Mom went on about how her will is written such that no one in the ne’er do well family would ever be able to get a dime. She ‘s convinced H would just hand out the fruits of her hard labor to his family. </p>

<p>Now, H has been handling mom and dad’s business for the past 7 years or so. He has been kind, caring, solicitous and beyond helpful. I could fill page upon page of all he has done for them He is their main support system! He’s handled the whole legal end of things – including all the crappage that needs to be dealt with when the first member of a trust dies. D finally told grandma – enough you don’t get to speak of my family this way. Again, Ugh. (frankly I’m tempted to look mom in the eye the next time she brings up the subject and say…hmm…okay…I understand your concerns…I can make them all go away…I’ll file for divorce!).</p>

<p>Oh, and my sister…well…she stays pretty much detached. I asked her to do manage three simple tasks to help with the banking logistics after dad passed. She only lives 5 minutes from our family home ( I live about 90 minutes away). To date, nothing’s been done. More Ughs!</p>

<p>At this point mom wants to stay in the home. She is getting meaner and meaner and I don’t really know how much is related to dementia and how much is simply her becoming more and more unfiltered and letting her true feelings and nature shine through. </p>

<p>The biggest question H and I have is …how do we avoid becoming THIS to our children when our time comes???</p>

<p>Anyway…I have to go…H and I have a conference call with the lawyer to discuss yet more issues related to my parents lives…</p>

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<p>((dietz)) you are a saint. I don’t know what it is about the elderly that causes them to lose their filter. After dealing with my mom’s move I feel like getting a dumpster and start cleaning my place out. And I’m not a clutter bug by any stretch! </p>

<p>I’m 47 but this has me thinking and discussing how we see things going. And doing this to my kids is not an option. If I become miserable I hope they do stick me away somewhere and save themselves. I even went so far as to tell them now while I’m of sound mind and body that if this happens to me later in life, I want them to think back to now and know I would never want them to be put in the position I’m now in with my mom.</p>

<p>I hope and pray to age gracefully. Hubby mentioned something to me that gave me hope, and that is I’m really not a complainer. My mom always has been. Maybe that’s why I’m not, I made the conscious decision to be grateful and unassuming.</p>

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<p>They’re the same thing-- the dementia is letting her true feelings shine through.</p>

<p>dietz, I admire you for doing the right thing with your mother. I suggest you take a page from your D’s book, and when your mother starts saying objectionable things about your family, just tell her you won’t listen to such things. And if necessary, walk away.</p>

<p>It doesn’t sound like your mother will be able to remain in her house for much longer without a live-in aide, just judging by what we’ve seen in this thread with others who have been on the same trajectory.</p>

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<p>CF: I’m making a daily concerted effort to detach. H has been recommending this for years. I’m almost 55 and sitting there just taking her rants is a hard habit to break. But, I’m making progress. :)</p>

<p>I also mentioned to H that I’m concerned I will become like mom as I age - resentful and mean. He’s reassured me that those attributes are not part of my personality right now so he’s not concerned about the future. (Frankly, I was wondering he was thinking clearly - sometime the hormonies get the better of me these days.)</p>

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<p>Good rant.<br>
At various points, I had to tell my grandmother a firm, “No!” You can’t follow it with a lecture, they don’t get it. But a simple tag line worked with her. “No, you cannot criticize my husband.” No dementia, but narcissism that just increased with the years, as the filters weakened. </p>

<p>We were talking about “distracting” them, a few pages ago. I wanted to say, you have to know what will do the distraction trick for that person. I knew how I could change the topic with her. But just noting the weather or how good lunch was, wasn’t it. Certainly not some good news about someone else. It would make her madder because the topic/direction didn’t “satisfy” her. Oh, gawd. I loved her, she adored my kids, but I spent so much time being vigilant when she was with them.</p>

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<p>Dietz, that was a good rant. So sorry you’re going through this. Keep making progress on your DH’s recommendation. Sometimes we can’t control the parents at all; all we can work on is our own responses. </p>

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<p>Thanks for the kind words everyone. Some days it just gets to me more than others.</p>

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<p>Dietz, I am so sorry. Rant away, this is a great place for it. I am very grateful for this thread.</p>

<p>I had a very stormy relationship with my dad for most of my life. When I suddenly had to become the go-to person for him and my stepmother, it was very very difficult–every time I walked into their house, I felt like the alarm horns were sounding in the nuclear reactor–DANGER! DANGER! </p>

<p>2.5 years in, 1.5 years before he died, I found a wonderful therapist who helped me deal with a lot of the baggage I was carrying, and, as my therapist predicted on day 1, I could see that it was so much better resolving those feelings (well, mostly!) before he died than it would have been to try to work through these feelings after he was gone.</p>

<p>I know it’s not the same situation. But therapy really, really helped me in my situation and perhaps it might help you.</p>

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<p>I have to catch up on everyone’s posts, but I just got Roz Chast’s memoir today “Can’t we talk about something more Pleasant?” (2014). I know the stories and pictures can be highly-relative for posters here. She also includes some photos (Museum of old Schick shavers for example) - 18 chapters and epilogue.</p>

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<p>Help- </p>

<p>Questions

  1. what do I do with the mail with my mother in the hospital ( not close to get it) and she is going to be placed most surely in an assisted living. She still gets some mail although most has been changed to mine or my brothers address. We already did the one year temporary change of address transfer to me, and I got a letter stating she could not do it over one year no matter where it was transferred to. Only other options is Premium forwarding service through the US postal or permanent change of address. Ideas???</p>

<p>2.does anyone have a moving company idea for moving one desk (sentimental item) from the house shipped across country? should I try like Mayflower? I cannot wrap it and send fedex.</p>

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<p>Dietz, I have given this question great thought about how not to repeat the behavior with our children. The fact that we are well aware of the behavior is a great start. And I am not my mother. Period.</p>

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<p>SOSConcern, I loved, loved, loved that book. I already gifted 2 copies to people I knew would enjoy it. The exceprt from the New Yorker that was posted here months ago and admired and discussed is only a short part.</p>

<p>It’s much more than a book of cartoons. Lots and lots of text. A memoir we can all relate to, I am sure.</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Cant-Talk-about-Something-Pleasant/dp/1608198065”>http://www.amazon.com/Cant-Talk-about-Something-Pleasant/dp/1608198065&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;