Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
3641

<p>SOS Concern, so sorry to hear of your sister’s troubles. That is sad. </p>

<p>I asked Social Worker friend about the abbreviations ADL: Activities of daily life. PCG: personal care giver.</p>

<p>In my haste and turmoil, I COULD have screwed up the oil bill so had to review that to be satisfied. But caregiver was all intense on reading the meds envelopes and labels, she can handle bills heretofore. In fact, one man wrote in one of her references that she used to help his mother will book-keeping etc. </p>

<p>I read the Boundaries bk–many good ideas. It is short.</p>

<p>After I posted last night I thought, NO about the piano lesson and ABSOLUTELY NOT about the baby grand piano. LF, I thought I might tell my mother that 16 yr old adolescent daughter is too shy to play with a guest, but your remark shows me that is involving my daughter. I’ll just tell her the steps are an issue. If she insists, I’ll have to follow up with daughter being shy and that will stop her.</p>

<p>I will tell mother that the teacher no longer has a connection with the Yamaha company she used to. If she pursues the idea I will kill it every way I can. But you know the most remarkable thing to me is she’s not home 24 hours and her crazily brilliant mind is scheming and dreaming on baby grand pianos, where an ordinary 87 yr old woman would be happy to focus on her meals, getting home to her nice bed, laundry, relief from arthritis, etc. </p>

<p>AS for the AL, to drive home the costs of at home care I even had her paged at the NHl when I saw the cost adding up to implore her to consider the Resort and that is when she said to me, sorry to be repetitive, “Dharma, if you mention The Resort to me one more time I will tie you up and send you there.” As old mom notices, it is either stay at home or move to my house, in my mother’s eyes. As my social worker’s note shows, her condition warrants an admit to a NH now and certainly will in three years. Yes, we will be forced into a RM and, in three years, a NH that accepts patients with Medicaid. And if it takes medics and an ambulette and sedation if an MD participates recognizing the drama (e.g., her shrink), my mother goes to a NH, not my house. (LasMa, I know you’re are a big advocate for AL, which I implored my mother to consider, but I hope you’re not disappointed in me for recognizing the futility of pursuing the idea.)</p>

<p>All the outings are over because the choices she has made are toxic to the family and she will use every occasion to be manipulative in conversation now (want a baby grand) and I can’t give her a platform for that. I was forced into taking her to DD1s HS grad. DD1 was Salutatorian and it would have been mean to say no, but I had to call the school to get us special seating, get her wheeling along on her walker, make sure she didn’t fall down, etc. Husband had to make special maneuvers with the car, etc. I know, it’s what we DO for beloved elders whom we want to include and make happy, but alas she is not good for me or my husband or daughters. I will keep up the outer pretenses with stop-ins when walking the dog, weekly shopping, CVS…always have to do the picking her up and bringing her here for holiday meals…(how many weeks till Thanksgiving?). Unfortunately September will be RM month. Then with the help of the WONDERFUL woman at the payroll agency, I will have to get into a routine of setting up tax payments, banking acct obligations, and whatever, but once that is a routine, it should not be onerous. But, on a personal level with my mother, where there used to exist a bond of mild cooperation, that bond is broken. She will not notice because we will continue with “polite conversation” but now I am totally on my guard.</p>

<p>I am sad about my sister because I called on Thursday afternoon agitated, told her the precise question I wanted her answer to/insight about, and to please call back and she hasn’t. Now, someone like my DH would have called RIGHT back. </p>

3642

<p>My husbands grandmother ran my mother in law into the ground. During the last year of her life she was saying she was going to go back to college and take a Russian class. </p>

<p>I believe my mil just gave her the course catalog and figured if she could figure out how to register, how to get there and how to walk across the campus on her own she could do it. lol She couldn’t even read the catalog. </p>

<p>I’m now having to set boundaries with my sister. She has become so accustomed to being in emergency mode with my mom she won’t settle down and stop micro-managing everyone. Childhood friends came to her town, then down to my city and she was trying to tell me how to be with them and what to talk about and be aware of. They were more my friends than hers btw. I will now only have one conversation a day, if that with her. She is literally calling me all day everyday. </p>

3643

<p>

</p>

<p>Don’t you see Dharma, you are giving your mom the freedom of choice in this situation which is not hers to make. She doesn’t have the assets for home care to be in her best interests. Nor does she have the capacity to make home care a viable option. You are the only one making it a viable option. You don’t need to implore with your mom. You just need to make the decision. </p>

<p>But, since your mom qualifies for NH care, it’s a good chance she will not qualify for AL and transfer to a NH is the only option going forward. I still would not do the reverse mortgage. Your mom would not like the Medicaid NH options. </p>

3644

<p>Dharmawheel, the more you do for your mom, the more you enable her. She knows exactly how to get to you: she knows exactly how much more (like 100 percent!) you do for her than your sister does, so what does she do? Say she wants to buy your sister a baby grand piano (!!!). She knows that you worry about your kids getting caught up in her venom so what does she do? Try to worm her way into your daughter’s piano lesson. Your mother may be physically feeble but she is a master manipulator and it’s very hard for a straightforward person of good will like you (me too with my brother–anyone remember the thread in which I told the story of my brother and the goats and my college graduation?) not to take the bait.</p>

<p>My sympathy and empathy.</p>

3645

<p>Dharma, PLEASE just tell your mom, “No, can’t take you to piano lessons. Stairs are too tough.” PERIOD. Do NOT bring your D into this. It’s NOT fair to your D and will in no way help the situation. DO NOT engage. Just say, “No.” Stop trying to treat mom as rational. She is playing her game and the only way to stop is for YOU to just stop engaging.</p>

<p>You are making great progress, but stop trying to get mom’s approval and stop letting mom drive the bus. You are the responsible adult and YOU are in charge. Your sister is ducking and you need to send her an email or registered letter telling her that her silence is approval of all the hard work you are doing.</p>

<p>I would hold off on the RV and move things toward SNF or NH, despite what your mom says. Find out where she will go if she has NO assets and if there is any space there. Take you mom to visit it and say THIS is where they will take you in 18 months when your money is gone. Take her to the places she can afford NOW and STAY at after she runs out of money and say THIS is where you can go now AND stay at if you go NOW. The house needs to be sold instead of giving 1/3 of the value to the RM folks, as the money is needed for your mom’s care.</p>

3646

<p>Dharma, I am in no way disappointed in you about anything. :slight_smile: You’ve been dealt a tough hand for sure. And you’re in that beginning stage that we all remember, completely overwhelmed and not knowing what to do or where to turn. AL was a great solution for us, but it’s not for everyone. You’re working your way toward your own solution. It’s a long road, with lots of side trips, but you’ll get there. And look at all the great company you have for the journey! :D</p>

<p>

That makes your D the bad guy. Just tell Mom the truth: “I’m sorry, but this is a special mother-daughter activity we’ve always done together, just the two of us. If you’d like, we can take you out to lunch next Tuesday.” (Or “I can come visit after the lesson.”) Just don’t expect that any reason you give her will be acceptable to her, and do what’s right for you and your D anyway.</p>

<p>Speaking of solutions, has anyone talked to you about the Board and Care option? </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Great idea, HImom.</p>

3647

<p>Dharma, it’s tough to “just say NO,” but for the protection of yourself and your nuclear family, that’s what you need to do. Don’t give excuses or reasons, just, “No.”</p>

<p>It’s clear you are a kind and generous soul who is being severely taken advantage of by your mom. It makes sense to have caregiver help with bills and provide an accounting to you with receipts attached and a spreadsheet or account book for you to double-check. Once your mom is in suitable housing, ALL of these expenses and duties will be taken care of. Good luck working toward a good sollution for YOU and your nuclear family!</p>

3648

<p>Ugh. Any advice on getting urine odor out of wood? Mom lives in depends and poise pads but somehow left a puddle on the wood kitchen chair overnight. I cleaned it and covered it with baking soda to try to draw any moisture out but ugh. It still smells. Why do I get so irritated? If she were a 2 year old I would be more sympathetic. She had no clue that this happened last night.</p>

3649

<p>If she insists, I’ll have to follow up with daughter being shy and that will stop her.
NO. Keep your daughter out of it. Verboten. What you insist is that mother cannot manage it. Twice, then you either ignore or change the conversation.</p>

<p>I was forced into taking her to DD1s HS grad.
NO, you gave in.</p>

<p>it’s what we DO for beloved elders whom we want to include and make happy
a) you cannot make her happy. b) NO, we do not give in to make them momentarily happy for their win. (Nor did we usualy do that for our kids when they were little.) We say No, there are no accommodations.
You could have brought her photos. </p>

<p>We sometimes do for others out of habit, especially when we were yanked as kids. And we sometimes do for others in order to avoid guilty feelings, now or in the future. At this point, any “guilt” would come from you, be your reaction. You CAN control that. You can control not checking in when you walk the dog. You can control much and don’t have to feel guilty. Because, on balance, you are already doing so very much for her. Seems your sister refuses to get sucked in. You can control how much you get sucked in. Sorry, just needs to be said. </p>

3650

<p>Baking soda can take time. For some pet smells in carpet, they say baking soda and vinegar- need to google the steps. At times, I’ve resorted to good kitty litter, left on a spot.</p>

3651

<p>You could try to mix the baking soda with vinegar a little water and dishwashing detergent. Us a sponge to wash it into the wood. Put a dishtowel on the area, (weight it down), to soak up the mixture. When one towel gets wet, replace it a few times. Rinse and let dry for a day to see if you were successful, if not, repeat the process. It may take 2-3 times. You may try to purchase some thin diaper changing pads and put them on your furniture. So sorry!</p>

3652

<p>psychmomma- About the wooden chair, if you are in a warm climate, put it outside in the sun and see if that helps. Just a wild guess on my part. Vinyl chair pads all around! This is a lot to deal with at home. </p>

<p>My almost 90 year old father with an atypically slow progressing dementia (20 years characterized by gradual loss of short-term memory initially and then by the loss of much long term memory, without confusion - continues to have humor, know he doesn’t remember, thank SN staff for help and recognize family members) has recently slowed way down. He is less engaged in conversations and is physically weak enough to require a wheelchair instead of his walker to navigate the 100 feet from the dining room to his room in his skilled nursing memory care. This increased weakness and disengagement has emerged in the last 3 months. It reminds me of infancy in reverse as his “wakeful”, engaged periods are of shorter duration and farther apart. I think this is the turning point, though I could be wrong. I get the impression that he will he is fading away, which has been in keeping with his temperament. That sounds a bit crazy and I know it. But I say that because unlike those who hold fast to all control as long as possible, he has been more than appreciative of others (me and staff) stepping in for assistance, decision making and logistics navigating. He has generally “good” health and is on almost no medication, with a couple of pending issues that could lead to a very low quality of life (bone against bone on one hip though no complaints of pain and an abdominal fistula that is frightening, but would require huge surgery to fix). I know it would be his wish not to outlive his brain and his body, so am in a mode of palliative care only. My belief in not forfeiting a graceful exit is a big help, as is my remembrances of his discussions of quality vs. quantity. How hard to navigate being bedridden without being able to retain exactly why, so I hope he bypasses that path. </p>

<p>I appreciate all the support and wisdom on this thread. </p>

3653

<p>Dharma- people who are manipulative are outstandingly good at doing it to those of us who are more straightforward. To this day I have to psych up to deal with FIL. He can still punch my buttons if I am not careful. What I remind myself is that I do not respect his opinion, I do not need or want his approval. I do not need to defend anyone to him or respond to his weird comments. I need to remain emotionally unengaged or it goes poorly for all of us.</p>

<p>We are all jumping all over you, but only because we have learned these lessons the hard way and we would like to pay it forward with our experience & save you a few weeks/month of pain.</p>

<p>You can only control how you behave, not your Mom, but when she is unreasonable just leave. You can say no to your mom, even to a request that previously would have been reasonable. </p>

<p>We recently told my sweet wonderful mother that she could not come with us to DDs grad in a city 2 hours away- she walks and thinks well, but the day would have exhausted her and to take her for a nap midday would have meant others would have missed out on the best part of the day. So, we told her no, she was said, but she accepted it. Because she is reasonable. </p>

<p>Just say NO to anything that is not the right thing for you and your family.</p>

3654

<p>Don’t see No as a failure. Or a failure to foster the sorts of closeness some families seem to have. We all deal with the hand we’re given, whether or not, in real life, we think we see what others go through. </p>

<p>Think of No as saving your emotional and physical energy for when a real crisis comes. Especially when there’s an imbalance. It’s not easy, we know. And none of us are perfect at it, at all times.</p>

3655

<p>After my father died it became very easy to say no to my mother. Odd, I thought. I must have been agreeing all along to not hurt my father. </p>

3656

<p>Somemom, lk, and others, thanks for the insight. I could have used this board when DD1 graduated from HS–that day I did feel that “duty” obliged me to take my mother and I was brainwashed by the idea of a daughter’s obligation to her mother to be dutiful. Pictures would have sufficed nicely and allowed me to concentrate on my DD.</p>

3657

<p>Dharma, I learned a wonderful trick on this forum. Allow me to share it with you. It’s called “the broken record.”
This is how it works:</p>

<p>Person 1: I want to go to the store.
Person 2: I can’t take you.
Person 1: But I want to go and I want you to take me.
Person 2: I can’t take you
Etc.</p>

<p>You simply keep repeating your statement in response to whatever they say. Eventually they realize they are not going to ‘win.’
So your mother wants to go to the recital. “Sorry Mom, but I can’t take you.” Why? I can’t take you. But you know how much it will mean to me to go. I can’t take you.
If she can carry on longer than you can stand, then the visit is clearly over as she is no longer interested in visiting you but rather only wants to badger you. Then leave!</p>

<p>Please don’t bring your daughter into the reason for why she can’t go to the recital. Stand on your own two feet here and simply say that you can’t take her. Period. It is your boundary.</p>

<p>BTW, there is a workbook that accompanies the Boundaries book. You may find it helpful in learning how to apply the principles in that book. It has been a lifesaver to many. </p>

3658

<p>I love the “I can’t take you” approach, bookreader. When we’re dealing with a reasonable person, explanations are appropriate. When we’re not, explanations only give them a weapon. </p>

3659

<p>Exactly LasMa. There is no reason to give an explanation in this case. </p>

<p>There is no reason to tell her why she can’t buy a piano either. Just say nothing to these crazy comments. Your mother is in no position to make it happen, so you do not need to get involved at all. Smile and nod and you’ll see that these kind of ideas come to nothing. She is only trying to pull you into her web of manipulation.
Make a game of looking for these kinds of comments. When you spot one, remember that you don’t have to comment. Just smile and nod. Or use the broken record technique. </p>

<p>And go enjoy your life! Helping your daughter with college is busy all by itself. I’m in the midst of this with my youngest. </p>

3660

<p>Yes, Dharma, you and your family DESERVE to enjoy your lives! Smiling and nodding and broken record are great techniques and avoid arguments that will go nowhere other than sucking you in and making you feel bad.</p>

<p>Congrats, Dharma, on all the great progress you are making. You do NOT owe excuses or apologies for all the wonderful and hard work you are doing. Keep things simple–“No,” with no explanation is FINE.</p>