<p>We do get to vent here about the challenges of dealing with our elders. It’s helpful in so many ways. But something came up in a recent conversation. Despite the problems, their orneriness or the roadblocks they now throw up, are we aware of some of the good traits we got from our parents? The ones that are meaningful to us and that we tried to (or couldn’t help but) share with our own kids. Because, in its own way, these things/this awareness can help us cope. </p>
<p>@dharmawheel I can share some insight with your sister, who obviously is also much different than you.</p>
<p>A friend’s sister, a single lady with a CS degree and at that time $80,000 salary - was a nut about dog shows, and went into about $100,000 in debt several years ago with her obsession showing one or two dogs. She took frequent job changes to get away from creditors - and her father probably bailed her out some financially too. She is totally not in contact with her own sister (and probably not in contact with her brother and his family either). My friend has H and two kids, a few pets but a more ‘normal’ life like you and me. Creditors were even calling sister (even though this is not legal).</p>
<p>It sounds like your sister is working two jobs to sustain her dog show cravings and number of pets. All of this takes enormous chunks of time, energy and money. Who knows if her H tolerates all of this or enjoys doing the dog show and dog care thing too, or is so enamored with her…</p>
<p>Many wise people on this thread, and you have wisdom too - you just have to be a little distant from some of the drama to see things clearly. Understanding does not mean your heart is not hurting though. That is where counseling or other things can help. Taking an ice cream break with friends…</p>
<p>To me it seems you want to have certain blocks of time just for your nuclear family, which is healthy; your mother finds opportunities to intrude and you are needing some coaching in saying no at those moments.</p>
<p>I like the operant conditioning comment. Try not to give up control, esp on things important to you. </p>
<p>Lookingforward - In the last 1.5 years, both my parents were diagnosed with dementia, we moved them from “paradise” (it really was) to a CCRC, my dad had a stroke making it difficult to read, my mom lost her license, and they do realize their memory is terrible. Despite this, the are 2 of the most positive people I know and are always looking at the glass half full: “This is really a nice place” “The food is so good” “Oh, it’s prime rib night!” (every Saturday but a surprise and delight each time), “such good medical care.” I myself have that positive “can do” attitude and it’s something both the kids have. They certainly didn’t get it from H’s side. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, my dad seems to be getting worse in the last month. He walks with a shuffling gait (has walked slow for a while but the shuffling is new) that seems to be worsening Alzheimer’s as opposed to weakness. I brought him to the bank (third time to get the stupid POA forms with the investment companies right). While there, he was continually baffled by my POA status and challenging me on it:</p>
<p>Dad: Why are you on this form? What do you have to do with this?
Me: I’m the POA
Dad: No you’re not
Me: Yes I am Dad
Dad: Since when?
Me: Since we signed the forms at the lawyer’s office</p>
<p>I’m not sure he will go along with another signing. More questions and push back every time. I can get conservatorship if needed. Both folks are on Alzheimer’s medication so the dementia is well recognized by the medical providers. I’m wondering if I should start the paper work towards that. If this last paperwork is done correctly (I got one sent back last week) I will have POA over all the finances. I’ve stopped statements coming to the house as dad frets and gets upset as he “doesn’t understand” what the letters are saying. I’m in contact with the nurses and medical providers. How many of you have found this helpful or necessary over and above a DPOA? </p>
<p>Oh, good luck GTalum.</p>
<p>I appreciate LKs “look for the positive” remark and I look forward to reading these stories. But my mother was never a good mother. She was intelligent, and married late for her era–26 yrs old–to a rare, in those days, college educated man, my father. (He was 4-F from the Army because of his polio, which made his education possible.) Her own mother was crazy, and browbeaten her to get married all during her 20s. My mother must have had a strong personality to stand up to her own sense of self-worth against her mother. She went to an Arts High School by subway in NYC, she was artistically gifted, and found fine work during her 20s decorating department store windows, designing greeting cards, doing little children’s books to illustrate. She hung out with bohemians and found her true love. Soon after their marriage, my father was sent to the SF office of his advertising agency and they lived there happily, my mother doing her art work with her publisher long distance. I’m sure these were the happiest years of her life. One weekend they went to LA and left their contraceptives at home and thus I was conceived. She told me so! So when the baby came along,my mother’s mother insisted on flying to SF, interfered in a damaging way, and made my mother so fraught that they made a terrible mistake and moved back to NYC. My father had no job and my mother had postpartum depression. When she was well (I don’t know how my father managed – I guess because he was unemployed), she parked me in front of Romper Room and spent the day at her art easel. Five years later (I was at home–there was no preschool then) my sister was born, and my poor mother had a total, year-long collapse. My father’s SIL took the baby, I was shipped to my mother’s sister, and nothing at all was explained to me. All I knew was, my parents abandoned me. Of course, my father had limitations on his time and was by then well-employed. But I know nearly a full year went by because my sister was born in Oct and in May my aunt took me to buy a Mother’s Day package of handkerchiefs for my mother. My mother was in a psych hospital for almost a yr and had ECT. (Three times in all, over the years) My cousin, a girl one year older than me, with her friend Karen, bullied me when they came home from school, threw rocks and sticks, pinched, shoved and said nasty things. Over the summer, I was returned home, wisked into 1960s Catholic first grade school (no kindergarten) where students peed in their seats because the nuns wouldn’t let them use the bathroom when they asked to go. I was beaten with a stick across their laps, I don’t know why, and rapped on the knuckles because I wrote with my left hand. I remember the shame of being the last student allowed to graduate from pencil to pen. At least they didn’t insist on making me use my right hand! My mother was drugged on early antidepressants with weird side effects during my elementary school years, turned to alcohol during my HS years (to her immense credit she quit cold turkey). After I married, they would drop by unannounced until we asked them to call first (they were the both retired), and her MD fine-tuned her drugs and she was much more normal. Evidentl, drugs had improved ver much over the decades.</p>
<p>My poor father got on a train at 7 am and returned home at 7:30 pm, if the train was on time. He worked in advertising, unfortunately a job with many firings/hirings, and had several operations on his feet which were somehow damaged by the polio he had as a boy. He had to wear special shoes. He shouted a lot, and was never very good with children. Unfortunately, he never understood or was supportive of my mother’s illness, which was a shame. He used to call her mean things. They would probably have been much happier, closer to each other, and more fulfilled in their careers if they hadn’t had children.</p>
<p>GTalum,
Shuffling gait, or a wide-based gait can be a sign of NPH (normal pressure hydrocephalus) or Parkinsons. Assuming he doesn’t have any other parkinsonian symptoms (tremors, masked faces, etc) might he have symptoms of NPH (bladder control/urgency problems, etc)? Have these been ruled out? Both have dementia associated with them, but both are treated differently from a primary dementia in isolation. NPH pts may need a VP shunt, but it can really improve the symptoms, including the dementia.</p>
<p>And, it’s wonderful, to learn your parents have positive attitudes, GTalum. </p>
<p>OK, confession time. The hardest thing for me is not to compare my mother to MIL/FIL in how they are choosing to age. Well, I do compare them, but not out loud. But I know who my role model is.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Now there is a very thought-provoking question! Off the top, from my dad I got my love of learning and curiosity about the world, my need for order (at times a double-edged sword but often makes life much easier), my moral code, and my introversion which I value greatly. I’m less like Mom than Dad, but from her I got my love of family, and my knowledge of the social graces.</p>
<p>GT, I’m watching your DPOA saga with interest, as we may need to go there with Mom at some point. Sorry to hear about the difficulties with your dad’s failing memory. But as my dad’s doc told me once when I was debating whether to give him some bad news: “The good news is that by the time you leave my office, he will have forgotten about it.” And yes, they do get repeatedly surprised with nice things that happen regularly, like prime rib night. That is glass half full indeed.</p>
<p>
Another opportunity to look on the bright side of memory issues!</p>
<p>In an extreme case of this, a friend’s mom unwrapped and re wrapped a Christmas gift and was delighted and surprised each time. Needless to say, she had advanced alzheimers. </p>
<p>Thanks for the information Jym, but dad had an MRI recently due to his stroke and the amyloid angiopathy diagnosis seems to be the other side of the Alzheimer’s coin. His gait is similar to what I am led to believe happens with Alzheimer’s progression. It’s a neurological disease, not just a memory one. He has no Parkinson’s symptoms and the NPH symptoms don’t seem like him. </p>
<p>Yes, GT, am aware of the progression of Alz. and other PDD’s. Its just that so many people overlook some very treatable causes of dementia.</p>
<p>HImom, that made me smile. :)</p>
<p>GTalum, I got the guardian/conservatorship on top of the power of attorney. It was most valuable when blocking people like the greedy handyman from visiting her. Some institutions preferred one over the other. Yes the IRS wouldn’t take EITHER! It was fairly easy to get because Mom didn’t fight it… And the court visitor could see in fifteen minutes that Mom was very vulnerable.</p>
<p>Mom had her good traits, one of which was always having a hopeful heart. Make the best of it. Now that she has been on AL for the …OMG!! Almost two years, she mostly is happy. She likes to help people though and no one will let her help now since she is the one needing help. I look on her “better” side a lot, it got me through some of her meaner times. But mostly she has been much more cooperative than I ever expected. </p>
<p>I still tell myself when I do something that is “just like your mother” and not in a good way, that I have to be at least half Dad’s. He is the best man I know. I am really glad that it worked out that he got to go live with my brother instead of my brother having my Mom. His marriage wouldn’t have survived her living with his wife. Even now when she tries hard to be “good” and not be a bother. She doesn’t always make sense, because she forgets things and makes up stuff to cover it. But now her white lies are harmless. </p>
<p>Got my spirit of adventure from my mother, love of nature and sense of ethics. And more. She was the one who really endorsed many of the chances I took in life. That’s not to say she was easy, then or now.</p>
<p>Dharmawheel – that was certainly a really tough childhood. It sounds like you’ve worked hard to be a very differnt mother to your children. </p>
<p>My MIL was wonderful in a lot of respects, but the Southern Lady thing of never actually asking for what you want and then being disappointed when others don’t read your mind/hints drove me nuts. My folks were very much capable of asking for what they wanted, opening the fridge to grab their own drinks, and rolling with change.</p>
<p>DH is at his parents now along with his brother, apparently the trip is going even worse than expected, who knew that was possible? Dad is 90+, acting anxious, manic, depressive, angry, mercurial, etc. He has had a small stroke in the last year, with no visible remainder effects, but it has affected his ability to think complexly and his emotions.</p>
<p>What are kids supposed to do? He needs help (they have a live in who is actually balancing his check book, which seems too intimate to me), but is angry and hostile that the boys even came to check on him. And yet, I don’t think he is quite bad off enough for a guardianship, what is the standard?</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, what stories you have to tell! It’s amazing how you seems such a wonderful wife and mom after your childhood. I suspect you have a lot of perseverance. </p>
<p>Esobay - I was able to get the IRS to recognize my POA after filling out their required form. Yet another place that would not accept my DPOA. I’m beginning to think it may be useless.</p>
<p>So sorry to hear of folks that have parents with symptoms resembling Parkinsons, dementia, Alzheimer’s, and also problems with DPOA and so forth. Much harder than my stuff. MY MIL lives in the Alzheimer’s unit at the nearby NH (the one my mother didn’t like) and sleeps in her wheelchair most of the day (she is 94). But when I visit with the girls and wake her up she is all smiles and graciousness, offers us “refreshments,” and chats, although continually repeating herself and questions.</p>
<p>The most amazing news. I just got an email from my sister. She thanked me for all the work I’ve been doing and said she had been caught up because her computer died–she now has a new laptop and–from how she went on about it, it sounds like a big deal–the caretaker couple for whom they give a rent-free house in exchange for working on the ranch are bitterly breaking up, seems the wife had an affair or two and has moved out, and the caretaker husband is depressed and useless. Sorry for the sour grapes, but I wish she had just picked up the phone to call ONCE to connect–hadn’t heard from her since mid-June–but she has her own way of dealing with her thoughts and time and how she compartmentalizes stuff and I’m just so relieved that she wrote to me.</p>
<p>Somemom,
How hard for you and your family. How are they handling your FIL?</p>
<p>Oops, forgot to add, criteria for guardianship vary by state. Look up the documentation for your state on line. Its a good place to start. Usually takes a medical/mental health person filling out a form after completing an evaluation. In my state the magistrate court then has an independent eval done to be sure the older adult isnt being railroaded.</p>