<p>I’ve been meaning to dip my toe in that thread since I have two seniors that I’m responsible for for just over a year now, including one with minor dementia who doesn’t like to bathe. Sigh. </p>
<p>Dharmawheel, good for you. But you are done with explanations. She shrugged off your hug because she is still trying to play you.</p>
<p>I am sure you are an infinitely better mother than your mother was to you.</p>
<p>There. You have handled your worst fear. It gets better from here. Your mother’s reaction makes it clear that she just wants to carry on and move forward, without a lot of sentimentality or extras. Take her at her word. Tell her you have it all in hand. “Keep calm and carry on”. So many paradoxes in all of this, huh? </p>
<p>Posters, I apologize for posting before I read your earlier and earnest posts of the day. But as you can see the “simple” one page cost breadown was effective.</p>
<p>Now, I want to apologize for being so needy and a drag on the board. I am tempted to tell you about a life crisis I pulled through lie a heroine 22 years ago, but it is too intimate. Like my physician said, there is so way to understand or reason through why my mother causes me so much anxiety and emotion. But all of you here have been compassionate and helpful through my many long and tedious posts , and a few have blown me away with your generosity (thank you, travel nut), in particuolar… </p>
<p>To respond to you, old mom, I thought I might mention that my mom’s own mom was…it is so sad to say…horrifically mentally ill her whole life , and when she was released and was at home, I can tell that from what my mother relates, that she was–I won’t say a monster–I will say a terrible mentally ill person. After her firstborn child, in about the year 1900 was born, the MDs knew enough in NYC (Mt Sinai) about manic depression to keep her hospitalized for over a year. As I mentioned once earlier , my mother threw her mother out of her house when I was about 16, and they had no continuation for the rest of my grandmother’s life. My poor mother had a terrible growing up with her lunatic mother and absent (always at the iron mill) Polish-born father who was essentially absent.</p>
<p>Dharmawheel, it may be comforting to know that there’s a history there, but that is no excuse for your mother’s parenting. It was wrong, and it was NOT YOUR FAULT.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t take the brush off personally or put any meaning in it. If she is not a physically affectionate person it likely made her feel slightly uncomfortable - that’s all. You did the right thing, we all need a hug every now and then.</p>
<p>PhotoOp is right. Don’t think about the non-hug any more. You got her to agree; you should be dancing for joy, and yet even in that moment you found the next thing to be worried and upset about. Don’t go there. Put today in the Win column.</p>
<p>The real gift from your mother is going along with a constructive plan, DW. Maybe she was withholding affection, but maybe she was holding it together and trying to be the best she could be. The hug could have meant too much to her and made her more emotional about the change that some part of her accepts as necessary. This is the best she can do and it involves letting the best plan go forward. Agree that this is to be celebrated; being sure of the motivation of a person so impaired is virtually impossible. Probably not helpful to go to a dry well for a drink. </p>
<p>Remember where you both were in June. Cheers to YOU.</p>
<p>Also, lest you think that this stuff is easy for the rest of us, re-read the thread in a quieter moment, after your mother is situated. Many of us have experienced uncertainty, anger, and hopelessness while trying to figure this stuff out. It is only time on task, with multiple elders, coupled with my former profession that has informed me. We all learn in the trenches and share as it may help others. Everyone here brings wisdom to the table and no one has it all figured out. You are almost there. </p>
<p>CCSO, agree with oldmom, this isn’t your fault. If you ask your mother if they can stay and she says no, maybe it’s sleeping bags and couches at your house or, if you can, you help them pay for an inexpensive motel. (Since they pay for their tickets, could you afford to do that?) And sometimes not just flights, but also motels are less expensive a bit off from the holiday travel brackets. Best wishes.</p>
<p>There’s a mantra a friend’s dad gave us- keep reminding yourself and it eventually does sink in. (We used to joke it took 180 repeats.) It’s from a different context, but may help some: “These are not my problems, these are X’s. We’re just trying to do what we can to make things better.”</p>
<p>We were inserting the company name, but anyone can pick whatever/whomever it is. It eventually makes us realize.</p>
<p>CCsite, I agree with other posters who suggested a January celebration for the purpose of lower airfares. Have you looked into any local condo or home rentals for the visit? They can often be less expensive than hotels and would offer more room. I think if you looked into the cost and presented this to your SIL with the statement how sad it is that “Mom” is so rigid about her routine and interruptions.</p>
<p>Dharma, I’m glad things worked out this afternoon. I know how much a hug and recognition of what you are doing would mean from your mom. Be happy that you did your very best. Don’t discount Glen Hill. There are wonderful staff MD’s and they would be the ones to see your mom. Most are there visiting almost every day. Besides, if she had to go to the ER, it would be in Danbury and all of the MD’s are affiliated there and the records are available on the same computer system. Does your mom have mail order prescriptions? Check the facilities to see if they will accept the medications that way you can save on the cost that they charge.</p>
<p>Dharma, it will help when you quit looking for what isn’t there.</p>
<p>Get the house listed, have it priced to sell, ask for qualified buyers (know what that means?) and close it. You shouldn’t need 5 months for a good bid, if priced right. </p>
<p>In a family with little history of physical affection, a shrug (not only the hug, but the words,) should be no surprise. We don’t know what figures you used- but you can go with that, for now, no revisiting numbers. No anything now but focusing on the AL choice, deposit and accomplishing the move as fast as possible. You have a job to do, so to say.</p>
<p>If you use movers to get her stuff to AL, go for cheap “cross town” day-charge type people, (sometime called day movers?) if that exists in your state.</p>
<p>Don’t go back in time to other situations- what we are trying to help with is today’s issues. We can help better with today’s thinking and steps, add some clarity for these tasks. </p>
<p>Let me repeat:
Get the house listed, have it priced to sell, ask for qualified buyers and close it. You shouldn’t need 5 months for a good bid, if priced right. </p>
<p>Great–sounds like everyone is ready for you to move forward. </p>
<p>Have the realtor view and list the house, get bids from qualified buyers and get your mom into a good AL that has levels of care and in house doc if at all possible, plus transportation to and from docs. Good luck!</p>
<p>CC
Why are you in the middle of this? Is there a good reason why they can’t talk directly to grandma and ask if they can stay with her? It’s always best to get out from the middle in situations like this. </p>
<p>If grandma has changed (or if she’s always been like this and they don’t know it yet), then it is time they knew the truth. There is no reason to keep the truth from them. If grandma is so difficult and demanding, then they would probably choose to not spend the money on plane tickets (for 4 people no less!). A phone call will do or maybe just a quick weekend visit from just one of them.
My 2 cents.</p>
<p>CCSO, I don’t have any ideas that haven’t already been posted, but I wanted to send you a hug. </p>
<p>And Dharma, give the RE people one clear message only: we need to sell fast, what can we expect, at what price. We’ll list as soon as my mom moves in to AL. How fast, what price, what net to my mother?</p>
<p>Don’t get into 6, 7 or 8 months or advice on AL or chat about moms. You need the RE agency to take you utterly seriously, see you as a focused and goal driven potential client. Nothing to suggest it will be complicated to work with this house or that it doesn’t matter to you if it drags on. </p>
<p>Right. Dharma, if you can, simply tell the realtor that you want to sell your mom’s house, and quickly. He/she will ask you questions about everything they need to know. Answer the questions specifically and briefly. </p>
<p>Don’t go off onto tangents. Don’t go into long stories about your mom’s history, your sister, budgeting for AL, Polish aides, or anything else. Listen carefully to the questions, and answer them in as few words as possible. STAY FOCUSED. Do not be a difficult client.</p>
<p>Dharma, remember that you and the realtor are on the same page. You want to sell the house quickly, and the realtor you engage will want to sell the house quickly too so they can get their money. You don’t need to explain everything that’s going on, and you don’t need to persuade them because they are already persuaded. Just tell the realtor that your mother is moving to assisted living, and needs to sell her house. That’s enough. As LasMa says, you don’t need to go into disquisitions about Polish aides and how your mother is difficult.</p>
<p>@CCsiteObsessed - time to let your family in on what it’s like dealing with mom. Just tell them it is truly nothing personal but at 90 she really isn’t as flexible and open as she could be. And at this age there is no way to make firm plans for January yet. You don’t need to shield your sil from the realities of the elderly. You don’t need to shield anyone. Tell them you would love to see them, you’d love for them to come, you don’t know how mom will be at that point and if staying there will be a realistic option. </p>
<p>Dont wprry abput me goingi into tangents. My long posts were stress induced and I beg your pardon.</p>
<p>The discission will be succint and fact filled and emphasize that that must be an acceptable bid in five months so we can have the closing within 2 months.</p>