<p>Amusing Thanksgiving story:
MIL left a voicemail mid-afternoon on DH’s phone complaining they were not going to go out to eat on Thanksgiving & how disappointed she was
Then she left a second message mentioning they weren’t going because FIL is in the hospital with a broken hip
DH called back, spoke to FIL-FIL was back home, had fallen and hurt his hip, went to the ED and was checked out, sent home, they were on their way out to eat.
A few hours later FIL called back to make sure we knew he had gone to the hospital, but was okay.
Oh, and last week the DMV renewed his driver’s license, at 95, for four more years.
sigh</p>
<p>Sometimes dealing with them has a through-the-looking-glass quality. Hopefully his injured hip will keep him off the road for a while at least.</p>
<p>My looking-glass story from today: First, you need to know that my mom’s favorite aide is a woman named Jane. They have a jokey, teasing relationship, which is great. One of their running gags is that whenever Jane hears that Mom is going out to eat, she says, “Bring me a steak (or the specialty of wherever we’re going)!” </p>
<p>So today we had our big dinner over at the AL, after which everyone went to their respective corners for naps. For the evening meal we gathered at my house for sandwiches and pie and football (yay Hawks! 
). As Mom was coming through my front door, the first thing she said was, “Jane likes dark meat and lots of gravy, and she wants pumpkin pie.”
Me: “Huh?”<br>
Mom: “She said she wants me to bring her Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings.”
Me: “Mom, we had Thanksgiving dinner at noon. I didn’t cook another Thanksgiving dinner for tonight. We’re having sandwiches.”
Mom: (furrowed brow) “Oh. But she’s not going to have any Thanksgiving dinner.”
Me: “Mom, I think she was teasing. Whenever she hears you’re going out to eat, she always says to bring her something. It’s a running joke.”
Mom: “But she wants dark meat.”
DH: “I’ll make her a sandwich.”</p>
<p>After the game:
Mom: “Did you pack up Jane’s dinner? She likes dark meat and lots of gravy.”</p>
<p>Oy, LasMa! A hyperfocus concentrating-on-the-tree-because-she-can’t-see-the-forest-anymore moment for sure.</p>
<p>It’s so hard to remember we have to go into their world, because they can’t come into ours anymore. I like your husband’s answer about making the nurse a sandwich. </p>
<p>FIL just got his drivers license renewed last week for 2 yrs he is 94. He talked on the phone with D1 who lives in Germany and did not get it that they do not have Thanksgiving and that she was working.</p>
<p>Our Thanksgiving tradition has been that we spend Thanksgiving with my family and MIL/FIL spend Thanksgiving with BIL/SIL and SIL’s extended family. This year part of my out of town family stayed around for the weekend, so we invited FIL (MIL died in September) over to join us for dinner Saturday night. It was sad and troubling, but I’m glad we did it. </p>
<p>DH has been going over to visit FIL once or twice a week, and doesn’t really appreciate how far the slow decline has taken him. In many ways he seems much better since MIL’s death since he doesn’t have the stress of caregiving. What became obvious Saturday is how much his ability to seem ‘normal’ depends on him being in his home in a known environment around familiar people. I felt bad because he just seemed lost around my family, either saying nothing at all or saying some pretty awkward and personal things - the old age no filter syndrome. When he left, he drove through part of the yard on the way out of the driveway. BIL has driven with him a couple of times recently and said he thinks he is still safe to drive, but I’m not sure now. </p>
<p>Anyway, it was kind of a sad evening, but I hope it helps DH and his siblings get closer to the realization that FIL is going to need more help sooner than he will be willing to accept it. After he left, DH looked at me and said “he’s a hard guy to help.”</p>
<p>MomofJandL, my dad’s doctor told him not to drive at night, and my dad complied–obviously he could tell that he didn’t drive as well in the dark as in daylight. Maybe not enough, but maybe it would help for your husband to approach his dad.</p>
<p>On a positive side FIL whom we visited has plenty of socializing for his age and my mother is doing fine in AL. Does any one notice that the WW2 vets are wearing more military caps/shirts etc? I just bought my FIL (WW2) 2 airforce baseball caps for Christmas- his request.</p>
<p>Ha, ^^ My Dad loves wearing his WWII caps. He gets “Thank you for your service” continually from people. He also gets discounts! </p>
<p>I have been calling around to learn more about senior living options. (Should I start a separate thread?)</p>
<p>Anyway, holy cow, some of them are extremely expensive! Like, a six figure entrance fee that is not equity! Or a larger fee that is 90% refundable but I am not sure of the circumstances.</p>
<p>In speaking with my financial planner just about the monthly costs, I asked him what do average people do who do not have this cash? He told me I don’t want to know about some of the places people have to live. :(</p>
<p>Anyway, I have no idea how my parents could come up with a 6 figure fee, unless their house sold quick and I loaned them money that I am not sure I have. </p>
<p>Is there a good source to learn more about living options and particularly the finances. My head was spinning over the regular fee, the level of care fee, the lifetime care vs pay as you go etc etc. It seems like you almost have to do a little gambling when making these decisions!</p>
<p>This is why many families end up caring for aging family members–too expensive for quality care and other options are grim. </p>
<p>^^ I can see that, and I can also see why people go bankrupt from medical and other costs. My dad is fine except for not being able to calculate his insulin due to the effects of a brain injury. So he needs no care other than someone to come 4 times a day and give him a shot! And it has to be an RN if it is not someone the family teaches, so while he could “live on his own” he needs to have an RN type person attend to him 4 x a day. It’s quite an unusual situation to negotiate.</p>
<p>Otherwise, they don’t need help with laundry or meals or personal care or driving. But the availability of people on site in an emergency is becoming increasingly more attractive to me, especially if my mom starts to age.</p>
<p>If they can sell the house for enough to cover the fee, and they can pass the financial screening of the continuing care place, they may be able to move in before the house sells, and pay the move-in fee from the proceeds. That’s how it worked for my mom anyway. </p>
<p>It is a gamble, like all your other life decisions. Should they pay the big fee and then have small monthly fees for life? Pay a smaller move in fee and have the monthly fee depend on their level of care? Stay home with care givers until they are past caring where they live? Should they have bought long term care insurance? You only know the right decision in retrospect, so you do the best you can with what you know. </p>
<p>surfcity, many times these big up-front fees are to guarantee that the facility will accept Medicaid for the resident once all the assets are gone.</p>
<p>@surfcity, we are several steps ahead of you in this scenario. My mom was widowed 18 months ago and decided in September she wanted to go to a continuing care community. Her preferred place had a nice unit available for a reduced price if we closed by the end of the year. Its a life care community, so we’ll have a better handle on her long term costs. The price is well over 6 figures. She should be fine once she sells her current place (which she is dragging her feet on). In the meantime, I’ve had to play nice with one of my brothers and get him to loan my mother the entrance fee. Until she closes, we’ll be running 2 households and I still have to figure out the cash flow. I’m also trying to supervise the packing and moving. Her new place will be about 60% smaller than what she has now and the purging is slow-going. I have spent many sleepless nights and restless days trying to figure this all out and hoping I’ve made good decisions. This has really aged me. </p>
<p>Not only do you need the six figure entrance fee, you have to show funds that you can afford the place through age 92. That’s standard. There is usually a higher fee if you want it 90% refundable, or lower that you forfeit. Doing the one we’d forfeit and the obvious deterioration of my mom at a much younger age is why I think they accepted her. They’ll get all of my mom’s assets one way or another, which aren’t tremendous. But where she’s going is a heck of a lot better than any alternative we could find. </p>
<p>There are elder care continuing care facilities in many areas that do not require a buy-in for assisted living, “just” a monthly fee . Some states have elder service hotlines that can help to sort through options- not recommend certain places, but help you search by criteria. They can also help you find state inspection results for comparison. Geriatric care managers can be helpful with a search and usually know local options well. Considering what is at stake, a consultation can be a good investment if there are uncertainties. </p>
<p>Some ALs are for profit, some are non-profit. My father’s non-profit continuing care place is a non-buy in at the AL level of care and makes a lifetime commitment to residents (AL can be funded by a state program if assets are depleted as it has a strong medical component and NH can be Medicaid funded). They do vet for some level of assets prior to admission. Buy-ins work for many and may be the best option for some; probably worth a careful review of all paperwork to be sure it is clear. It is easy to deplete assets quickly in either case.</p>
<p>WOw, this is good info. I did look at a different place that just had the (high) monthly fee. But there was no full kitchen so it is not a good choice for now. I do need to consider all the scenarios. My mom is in very good shape - if something happens to dad, she would not need the level of care in the CCRC, at least at first. And would I want to move her closer to me as she ages? All things to consider. </p>
<p>I always wondered why my kids didn’t come with a manual, and now I am looking for the elder care manual!! :)</p>
<p>So whats the advantage to a six-figure buy-in place? Lower monthly costs? None of what I know of here has this high fee. Nor what my mother may move to, near my brother.</p>
<p>At least your places are 6 figures. In HI there are places that are 7 figures which charge $7K plus/mo for one meal/day–more for additional meals. Your estate gets back 90% of the 7 figures in your deposit but none of the appreciation or interest. </p>