<p>My3, hugs to you. Whenever I get caught in this roundabout with my mother or aunt, I remember my husband saying that my first mistake is trying to approach things logically. Our family members no longer live by logic. Their perception is way off the norm on the logic scale. I now approach each interaction with the idea that I am speaking to a 2 yr. old, I mean no disrespect by this. It is for my own self preservation and decreases their anxiety level as well. Take some slow breaths, I always resolve to make each conversation better than the last, (doesn’t always work, but something to strive for). Be kind to yourself!</p>
<p>One other thing is that these SRs are struggling to preserve their dignity. It really helps them to think of whatever way in which they are still special and still “better,” even if it means better than folks who are functioning so poorly. Be kind to yourself and take deep breaths. If it gets too tough, take a break and say you have to go but will call back, and then DO hang up, refresh yourself and call back as needed.</p>
<p>HImom - I think you are right about seniors and the concept of “better.” My mom will not get a hearing aid because her good friend has worse hearing and does not have one. My dad did not want to give up driving because others in the Parkinson’s support group who were further along still drove. As frustrating as it is, I am empathetic (but I did take the keys away for the safety of others on the road).<br>
My3grt - my MIL will go on and on about how well she did in rehab - the doctors thought she was amazing! Smile and nod, smile and nod (my MIL has been tooting her own horn forever; getting worse as she ages). Hang in there.</p>
<p>We all lose it on occasion, and then feel like crap for having done so. </p>
<p>I brought my mother for an eye procedure this morning to try to maintain whatever vision she still has left in her left eye. She did fine through the procedure, but after getting back to the nursing home, she kept insisting there was something in her eye (the doctor washed her eye before examining her post-operatively) and kept poking her finger in her eye to try to get out what she was insisting was in there. Nothing I could say could convince her that she was probably irritating her eye even more by poking her finger in her eye and that there was nothing in her eye. (She’s irritated her eye in the past doing this same thing, and has abraded her nose by rubbing it excessively). I finally left because it was just getting me more angry to watch her poking herself in the eye. Hopefully, both she and I will be more reasonable tomorrow.</p>
<p>My dad did not want to give up driving, but failed the vision test at renewal. Thank goodness because we had been talking about taking the keys away. However, it was the beginning of the major decline for him into Alzheimers. He would sit in the car for hours in the garage. I talked him into a state ID, which looks very much like a traditional drivers license, by telling him if he turned in the DL the ID was FREE!</p>
<p>In a lucid moment when he was bemoaning the loss of his license, I also told him that if he drove and caused a fatal wreck without a current license, he would be sued and all that money he saved for retirement would be gone. Worked like a charm, though he was still sad about it.</p>
<p>Dentmom4 --</p>
<p>Oh boy, I think giving up driving is the most difficult thing for our aging parents to come to terms with. On the other hand, moving to assisted living or a nursing home might be worse. In the case of my MIL, giving up driving was something she griped about for a couple of years. She seemed to accept the move to assisted living much more easily. I haven’t had to have the “no more driving” conversation with my mom . . . yet. Not exactly sure how well she still drives. Whenever I go to visit her ( she lives over 6 hours away), she always wants me to drive when we go out. I insist that she drive but she refuses. She has a couple of friends who are still driving. One is legally blind (no license but still driving) and other is so weak and feeble he can hardly get in and out of car. Scary.</p>
<p>Years ago when my father-in-law stopped driving which was the right thing to do given that he had to deal with diminished reflexes and he did have to move his car daily because of alternate side of the street parking in Brooklyn… it was the beginning of his depression which only worsened. It wasn’t so much that he used his car every day… it was more the idea of lack of mobility and becoming dependent on my husband and brother-in-law more to pick him up and take him places.</p>
<p>Mygr8 - Big hugs to you!! I know I said this before, but that was my prayer about dad - PLEASE GOD - after all I have done for my dad, PLEASE don’t let him die shortly after one of our (my) blow-ups. </p>
<p>They did not happen often - maybe twice a year. They only occurred if a) I had done numerous things for the two of them, b) I had not had enough sleep, c) I had neglected a lot of my own stuff on their behalf, and d) dad was being obstreperous. </p>
<p>I remember driving home one time and just starting to cry so hard. I felt awful. </p>
<p>I guess my advice is to know your own triggers. If I were sleep deprived I sometimes postponed something (if possible) because I knew I was hanging on by a thread. </p>
<p>My second thought is that in addition to the practical value of this thread, we are here to tell you that you are NOT a bad person, and that even those of us who have tried so hard aren’t perfect and sometimes we just lose it.</p>
<p>Oh (and by the way, I am avoiding work right now), one story that just came up at the bank. </p>
<p>I had been doing a lot of banking for my folks, had their account online so I could make sure everything was okay, so I decided to get a debit card for them. Went to the bank with dad and he thought it was a great idea. </p>
<p>The card arrived in the mail and he called me - very excited. I told him I would be over to the apartment in three days and to just put the card and envelope in his desk drawer. The next two nights, I talked to him on the phone and he said the card and envelope were in the desk drawer. </p>
<p>I came to see them and he was sitting in his chair looking VERY sheepish. He told me he decided to show mom the card that morning and that now he couldn’t find it. I think my blood pressure rose 30 points in one minute. We spent the rest of the morning looking for the card. I found the envelope and the paper it had been attached to - but no card. </p>
<p>I was fit to be tied. I was so frustrated and angry. I remember saying to him, “Just ONCE can’t you do what I ask of you? Just once.”</p>
<p>Hmmm, that might have been the day I cried coming home in the car. </p>
<p>That was last March. Dad went into skilled nursing in June, mom moved to AL in October, dad passed away in December. Guess what I found last week in mom’s apartment???</p>
<p>Oh Jeez WinP. I know that scenario SO very well. I haven’t been doing it as long as you, but for the past year I have been trying to do finances long distance. In Feb last year, we went in and cancelled some of Mom’s credit cards (they had been used by scammers) and got a new one that paid 1% cash back. YAY! So not even 3 months later, she had cancelled that one and gotten two others at the other bank. So it made it really hard to follow through with keeping track of some transactions. But she got sneakier, and went more to “large cash” withdrawals that I have no idea where the $$ went. I think much of it went to the housekeeper and maybe the handy man. I am in the process of trying to get MOM off the housekeepers cell phones since the housekeeper stopped paying the bill (ran short in Dec, Jan … oh great!) Mom now insists that she never would have bought a phone for the housekeeper, but I suspect she signed something. gak.
I haven’t started the crying after fighting with her though because I am still in the MAD stage. I cried time before last when I left her at the retirement home because she was “trying to be good” like the 4 year old she is now. Except next time she was being the bi*** from H***. So I wasn’t sad then!</p>
<p>wnp: Your story is so familiar. When my mother first went into assisted living (in the days before online banking), I would collect dividend checks when I visited and go to the bank to deposit them for her. At first, she was very good about keeping them in one place and knowing where they were when I arrived. Within a year, she was getting more forgetful about where she put them, or she’d find the envelope and no check, or there’d be a different check in the envelope from the one that originally was in it. After months of this frustration, I finally decided to change the address on her investments so they came to my address instead of hers.</p>
<p>Fast forward 9 years later when I’m cleaning out her assisted living apartment when she went into a nursing home, and I found 5 dividend checks she never remembered to give me or she couldn’t find. Fortunately, those checks were for relatively small amounts.</p>
<p>I once found a 6-month-old $3500 tax refund check in Mom’s underwear drawer. :eek: She didn’t put it in the normal place where she puts paperwork for me, because she was afraid the AL staff would steal it.</p>
<p>Ah, lost and found. A game a lot of us play with our folks. </p>
<p>I really never lose patience with mom. Her dementia is apparent. Language is so limited and so I have no expectations for her. Dad was different. His losses were masked by his unwavering gift of blarney. He would sound SO reasonable, even when he had no idea what he was talking about.</p>
<p>An update from my post # 706 - Long story short:</p>
<p>My 94 1/2 year old mother living in AL developed another UTI, the 2nd one to only be sensitive to an IV antibiotic. We were ticking along just fine having home health come to the AL facility to give the antibiotic until a week ago when the staff calls to say they think she has the flu - diarrhea, vomiting, weakness. She has such a marked change in alertness in 6 hours that she is admitted to the hospital. Diagnosis - C DIFF (Clostridium difficile)!! My understanding is it is not uncommon in residents of facilities and those hospitalized who are taking antibiotics. When taking the antibiotic, the good bacteria in your colon is cleared out and this C Diff, being an opportunistic, parasitic bacteria, moves in creating a toxin that causes the diarrhea. She seemed to be slowly getting better when Thursday she developed a rapid heart rate, BP shot up, fever, etc. - PNEUMONIA and CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE. She was moved to the ICU where she remains today. She will be looking better, feeling stronger, then a few hours later she is down for the count again. She is extremely short of breath and just very, very ill. The entire family understands her advanced age and is not looking for miracles. She is being given the best care and what happens now is in the hands of a great power.</p>
<p>Midwestparent: So sorry for the roller coaster you and your mother are on right now. I hope for the best for both of you, whatever that may be.</p>
<p>Midwest Parent
I am so sorry for you, your mom and your family. We can hold hands with you virtually and IRL that is about all anyone can do at that point. It is so hard to sit in ICU and wait. My thoughts are with you.</p>
<p>I had a long post whining about my mom and her increasing paranoia but it got eaten and it can wait. I wish I was certain what to do to balance her increasing needs and my H’s increasing feeling that she is dominating my / our life .</p>
<p>MidWest, C Diff is very common and a bugger to treat. My MIL had it after surgery years ago. I do believe they give you yet another antibiotic to treat it.</p>
<p>For all of you dealing with/fighting with your parents, are your folks mentally declining or in dementia? OR are you having all these frustrating conversations with just plain stubborn parents?</p>
<p>My MIL has become so unbelievably stubborn, that part of me wonders if maybe something else is going on too. Although it’s entirely possible that she just refuses to give in to anything that even hints that she is not as capable as a 40 year old.</p>
<p>And as far as lost and found, both of my parents have been very disorganized their whole lives. I’m afraid one of them misplacing things is par for the course and would not be a sign of decline.</p>
<p>Just opened this thread and saw your post MWmom. I will be thinking of you until you check in again. Our folks are so vulnerable. And when something hits - the change in status can be so rapid. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing when you have time.</p>
<p>Mwmom- my thoughts are with you and your family. Sometimes the decision tree is out of our hands; things are just too complex. It may be a mercy. Do take good care of yourself - it may help. Best to all.</p>
<p>Midwest, sending a virtual hug. It is so hard to watch our loved ones suffer the side effects of treatments that cure another medical condition. Hope this can bring on a smile… my soon to be 96 yr old aunt is in AL for rehab. She has been a holy terror. The student social worker noted that my aunt is used to getting her own way. Really??? No way!!! Ya think??? She treats everyone as her personal slave. Previous to her last hospital admission, we went through 3 agencies and about a half dozen aides, all who left, never to return again. One who ended up in the ER with chest pains, and I ended up taking care of her. Keep on smiling!</p>